The Ravenous Sun

The Ravenous Sun

Status: In Progress

Genre: Romance

Houses:

Details

Status: In Progress

Genre: Romance

Houses:

Summary

My therapist told me to start writing a journal in May, and I never took her seriously. Then the Sun tried to eat me, and I reconsidered.
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Summary

My therapist told me to start writing a journal in May, and I never took her seriously. Then the Sun tried to eat me, and I reconsidered.

Chapter1 (v.1) - A Fabulous Party Story, June 2015

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: June 01, 2017

Reads: 85

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: June 01, 2017

A A A

A A A

When I started taking Zoloft, they had no idea what was going on in my head. They couldn't be bothered to give me a diagnosis or a psych evaluation beforehand. They just decided to throw an antidepressant at me and hope for the best.

I took the first pill around five in the evening. By six, I was laughing and rolling around. By seven, I was sobbing and clutching at my skin, yelling about how I wanted to rip it off, pleading my mother to take me to the hospital before my heart stopped.
I got into the car. The world was hurtling towards me so, so fast when she started driving. On the phone, my father yelled at her, and she yelled back, and I grabbed onto the seat, trying so, so hard to block them out.
My head roared. We turned onto the highway, and I caught the full view of the sunset.

 

The sun bled into the sky and reached out towards me and I thought it was stretching its long fingers into the car, beckoning me closer. So, so, so vast; so bright; so vivid; so huge; so deep; blinding me, threatening to swallow me, it was larger than my life it was larger than existence.


Right then, I knew that I wouldn't survive that night.
I would disappear and die, or I would kill myself.
I couldn't see anything before me. I couldn't imagine going on. There was no point. I would have to fade away.


My mother and father led me into the ER. I could smell death. They found me hunched over, talking to an old woman who was shivering and touching her face. She asked my parents if I was okay, and I had started crying again. I wanted to go. I wanted to die. Everything was gone.
There were demons swirling on the floor. I stared at them. I was so angry
They led me down a hall that went on forever and a lady asked me how I wanted to die. I said that I wanted to disappear into the ocean, like Edna from The Awakening. I wanted to fall into infinity and become nothing. I had to. I could not go on anymore.
They brought me back to my parents. I sat on a seat forever. They took blood. I cussed and squeezed my mother's hand so tightly that it had bruises for a week.
They put me into a van and took me to Snowden. By then it was one in the morning and I was so cold and nervous and scared. Snowden was all white and bright halls. The woman put lotion on the bleeding cuts on my legs and I said goodbye to my parents. She led me into the brightest room I had ever seen in my life and I sat on the bed.
I didn't sleep. I thought that if I closed my eyes, I would die and never see you again. I would never have existed. I would not exist.

Sometimes, I still wonder if I actually died that night, and if I’m on my second life, as if I had nine, like a cat. I'm still amazed at how much I've missed so far, just enjoying things, not taking them for granted. I'm still scared, and I still have nightmares, but time passes, and I will move on.

 


© Copyright 2017 fiona madigan. All rights reserved.

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