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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
This about what goes around comes around.

Submitted: June 05, 2017

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Submitted: June 05, 2017



My blog "karma"


Where to begin? I can't even begin to reminisce on how perfect I once had it. When your young some of us really do take things for granted. It's like you start off with the best and windup with the worst. You had everything you wanted, but you wanted more. Why do we do this? Sometimes It feels like, "why didn't anyone warn me of the consequences." If I had known then what I know today, my life could've been so different. It's like you had all this love and attention from so many people, you divided your attention that you couldn't even give one person your entire self. I am sure this caused the other person to feel hurt and betrayed, probably the same hurt and betrayal I was recently introduced to. 

Karma. I have so much pride I tattooed it on my chest by my heart because I can't begin to tell you how many people I truly loved and couldn't tell them or show it. The suffering I caused myself, for so long, made me such a bad person. Crying alone, hating the world, and myself for so many years, really changes who you really are. It's like you punish yourself for some reason and used to that pain. You hinder your ability for happiness. Gosh! I was finally able to let all that go, that pride, that ego, that controlled me and kept me miserable for so many years. But for some reason, it felt right while living it. When I was finally able to show my love it felt so great to actually feel how it felt to let yourself love another person. Which brings me back to that happiness I once had, why couldn't I do what I do now, then. Why? 

Karma. It's like here I am, this is really me, you're lucky because no one has ever seen this side of me, so you feel confident and ready. But then all of a sudden everyone you meet is what you once were, and you're amazed that now there is no one out there to love you how you want! It's almost impossible to find. And you just can't believe how many times you actually had it so many times before and now you can'tI find it? Now not a soul out there is searching for what you're searching for, seems like. 

And you know what, I'm not ashamed or afraid to admit the things I've done in my life because I've changed. I know what I used to be and what I am now. 

It's like you never thought you would go through extreme measures in trying to satisfy someone. Dealing with tantrums, insults and humiliations because you really loved them. You finally built this patience and finally allowed yourself to love. And instead of getting a thank you, it goes unnoticed. It's almost like you feel you are begging for them to stop the nonsense and act mature, in hopes of the relationship. You go against your morals to do things you never done before, for sake of saving the relationship and it really begins to mess with your head. You automatically begin to think something is wrong with you. Karma does exist all you can do is accept the challenges life throws at you and continue growing and recognizing what to never do to someone again. Because when you open yourself to someone those things hurt not just your heart, but your soul. All you have left is hope, that one day you can be recognized and loved again. 

It weird because I find that I'm not the only one going though this, a lot of people are feeling the same thing right now.  Feeling lonely, hopeless, and sad. It makes me want to scream to the universe, "where are you already?" I'm looking for real love the kind that consumes, and inconveniences you; the one that you can't live without each other kind of love. And it almost feels impossible! All I can do is listen to music and escape to that euphoria I crave and dream about and wait for that love to find me. ??

Written by: Alexx Layton 

lived it: Alexx Layton

© Copyright 2018 Alayton. All rights reserved.

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