all consuming

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: June 05, 2017

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Submitted: June 05, 2017

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Yet again...

I am coming to find,

that maybe the 

direction of which,

I'm pointing, really should be

pointed back towards me.

 

I reminisce,

memories fading.

As if we never met.

I am just left with the idea

of who I want you to be.

 

Missing the warmth of 

a nurturing embrace.

I try to hold on,

to what I think

love is and it slips away.

I find myself alone, again.

 

The comfort,

that I found in the dark

silence, has now 

turned on me. 

I have lost my rhythm

and can't find the beat.

The beat, to this

dead heart of mine.

 

All my days blur into one.

Trying to remember when you left,

or was it me? Was I the one to leave.

Walking around in a haze,

I feel like I am trapped in a maze that 

is not meant to be escaped. 

 

I shiver under the stars,

And my only companion in this crisp 

cold night, are these thoughts

that often are all consuming.

 

I feel as if my head is 

splitting at the seams. 

Caught in this web 

of made up dreams.

Never knowing 

Was it me,

Am I to blame

Letting it sink,

engulfed by the shame.

 

It's that hour again,

hour of guilt

at four AM.

Sleep is not a 

visitor anymore.

She evades me,

assaulting me,

relentlessly. 

 

My old friend,

insomnia, has come

and won another night.

Comforting me, in consistency.

 

Reminding me of

all the things I wish I had 

done. Is it too late now,

or was it too late then?

 

Driven by countless 

forms of fear. 

My days are spent,

wrestling these demons

inside.

 

Is there

such thing as a 

happy ending? 

Or am I doomed to

continue this

vicious cycle?

This game of tug-o-war?

Tug-o-war with hearts?

 

 

All this time I am

given to spend, 

spinning circles 

in this dead end. 

 

Comfortably, uncomfortable. 

To swim in self pity and

hopeless despair, is so familiar.

 

Not wanting to see

what I already know,

that faith will win and fear will lose.

 

Do I want to win?

Or am I just going

to continue fighting

this until the end?

 

She was my reason 

why, my release of 

any accountability.

Defined my worth on

her giving me away,

and holding the world

accountable for what she did 

and didn't do for me.

 

Stuck as a little girl, 

wondering is this because of me?

There is something wrong 

with me. There must be!

 

So engrained,

mostly unaware of

the self fulfilling prophecy that 

I keep manifesting. 

 

Under the impression,

that they all will leave. 

This constant distrust,

sneaks up and lets fear

talk me into being the

one to leave..

 

Questioning,

if I will ever be able to 

maintain anything sustaining.

 

But who will I be,

if you take away my identity.

This facade I created to 

keep the walls up, while 

simultaneously being whoever

you wanted.

The manipulator,

in incognito.

I would appease

all those around me.

This need, need to feel

connection. 

Confusing lust for love,

indulging in alcohol of the 

flesh variety.

Thinking, is this the one?

 

Years spent giving away

pieces of me.

Unable to see that 

it was slowly killing me.

 

You may get a sense that

I am pretty self aware, that

this transparency is who you

think you really see.

 

Vulnerability is a very

uncomfortable thing 

for me.

What would you

do, if I let down these 

walls of mine?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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