the girl in the yellow dress

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
this story follows the life of hannah, a girl who hates her job and her sucky life. her job is terrible and she is in no committed relationship. her younger sister is getting married, which is utterly mortifying, and everything revolves around the wedding extravaganza. it is extremely humorous, and will leave the reader falling off their chair with laughter.

Submitted: June 06, 2017

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Submitted: June 06, 2017

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The Girl in the Yellow Dress

 

Oh my gosh, why does my head feel like it has been hit with a bat? I start to move from side to side, when I realize I am entangled in sheets. I start to open one of my eyes and see that I am surrounded by pokemon. The walls, the bedding, the curtains, EVERYTHING. Where the hell am I? The last thing I remember is going out last night with Mary and Katherine, and now here I am in a 2nd graders bed probably. Oh god, am I a pedifile? Oh great, like my life doesn’t already suck enough: shit job, crappy apartment, let's just add child molester to the list why we are at it. I turn around to the other side looking for my shirt, when his puppy eyes are staring at me.

“Why, Good morning!” He whispered, as his bad breath whisped onto my face.

Even worse! He is a grown up loser! Oh god, I bet he still lives with his parents. Ugh I cannot bear doing the walk of shame, in front of a mom again. How embarrassing. He has bushy brown hair that resembled what I saw under his armpit. Ugh, he wasn’t even in good shape, I have to find something good about him, to give myself an excuse for going home with him. Literally nothing. I am not a 10 on the model scale, but there are some qualities I guess. I have somewhat of a skinny body, on a good day with a tight new pair of spanx. I also graduated from NYU, which makes me sound like I am smart. So there is some stuff that deserves a pat on the back, if I do say so myself. Anyway, I have to come up with an excuse to leave.

“Here let’s go into the kitchen and I will make you some breakfast.” he said.

Even worse, he wants commitment.

“Uhh, That’s okay I have a busy day at work and I have to go. Where is the bathroom?” I mumbled back.

“It is down the hall and to the right.” he smiled back, with his big flashy gums. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people have bigger gums than teeth, it is just so unproportional. I make my way to the bathroom using the human sized pikachu blanket to cover my body. Pikachu was getting a good look today. Oh my gosh I wonder if I am his first? I mean there had to be more desperate girls, like myself, that would go home with him right? I’m just going to tell myself yes. I get into the bathroom and cringe. On the plus side there is no pokemon, but instead Dr.Seuss’s Cat in the Hat. Why god? Why do you  do these things to me? I mean I went to church when I was younger I used to pray and drink the wine and eat your stale bread. I mean sure I started drinking at 16, and seeing guys more often. But the priest told me if you confessed it didn’t count! Blame him, not me! Do you try to ruin everyone’s lives like this too? I splashed the cold water on my face and put on my black dress. Ugh the walk of shame is so embarrassing, even in New York City, even the hobos on the street judge you. I called an Uber, praying that God could give me someone close by. He didn’t. Shocker though in that department. The uber was ten minutes away, instead of the hoped for 10 seconds. I went back into the bedroom, and had to say the dreaded goodbye.

“Hey, you.” Oh crap what was his name again. “I am going to get going, but thanks for everything.” I mumbled.

I bolted out the door and waited around the corner for the uber. Jesus, now I am on the corner in a tight black dress, looking like a leftover prostitute. How embarrassing, I am 27 and still having one night stands with guys I don’t even know.  Why do I do this to myself? While I was standing there, (still waiting for this freakin uber) my boss called.

“ Hannah, It is your boss calling. I was wondering if you ever ran that email over to publications regarding the new column. As I told you it was very important that they receive it before 1:13 pm yesterday. I hope you keep in mind how much I depend on you. Also, can you please pick up my dry cleaning. Thanks.”

Ugh he is such an ass. Of course I sent the stupid  email he only told me about 100 freakin times yesterday. Does he think I am challenged or something. God, he is such a man child, “get my laundry”. Get your own freakin laundry, you would think by the age of 45 that this guy would be able to do it himself. But, no. he gets paid $150,000 a year to order me around and be his little bitch. I graduated from NYU in journalism! They promised me connections, but all I got was one internship with an editor who smelled like feet and never brushed her hair.

Ahhh finally the uber! Now I can go home and forget about this night. Ugh, but mary and katherine are going to judge me so hard, for going home with this loser. After waiting like 15 minutes for this guy, the drive was only about 5 minutes. I walk into my house, and see Mary sitting on the couch with a People magazine.

“Why, hello. Did you have a nice evening?” she laughed

“Shut up Mary, everyone has their slip ups, mine just happened to be with a guy stuck in the second grade,” I chuckled. We both stood there laughing for a solid five minutes, when I made my way to the kitchen for some of Walmart’s finest coffee.

“Oh and by the way, your mom called.” Mary yelled. “She left a voicemail.”

Ugh, great. She is probably calling about Jen’s wedding extravaganza, considering that is all we talk about anymore. I pressed the beep, anticipating the exciting discussion on whether or not the cake should be lemon blueberry, or lemon strawberry.

“ Hello Hannah, it is your mother. As you know the wedding is coming up, and I forgot to tell you that tonight we are having a gathering at the house with all the family, bridesmaids, and groomsmen. There will be many single bachelors there. Brad has told us he has an older brother that is quite charming. But anyway be at the house around 6. It would mean a lot to your sister. Hugs and Kisses.” Beep.

The worst part is that Jen, is my younger sister. It is quite mortifying having to watch your younger sister get married, why you are still having to contemplate whether or not you are doing the walk of shame. Everyone is the family loves jen, she was a cheerleader, captain of debate team, and student council president. While me, I was the stoner sister who was a bad influence. No one ever cared how I was affecting myself, they only cared that I would be a negative example on Jen. Well now, of course, she is getting married, to some catolog guy, so they can live in a cookie cutter mansion, with their Ralph Lauren children. She will probably drive a minivan, be classroom mom, and head of the PTA. A true dream come true. Arguing with fellow soccer moms on whether or not they should serve Iced tea or lemonade at the team party, like the kids actually give a shit. I mean, it is the ultimate fantasy. My apologies, Gregor family that I chose the alternate path.

I decided to watch reruns of My 600 lb life, to feel good about myself again, but I just ended up falling asleep due to my exhaustion of self pity. I had about 5 hours till I had to get ready and put on that ugly yellow dress my grandma got me last year. She said that it was the ultimate eye catcher for young men. Yeah, maybe 5 year olds, who think I am big bird.

I woke up, late of course. Leaving me with around 30 minutes to get ready. I hopped in the shower and quickly blow dried my hair, to give myself a one up. I threw some foundation on my face to cover all my blemishes, and put my beautiful dress on. My cousin who lived in Soho was picking me up, and as usual she was late. I waited in the downstairs lobby, mortified by my pee dress, hoping that this lady would finally get here. My cousin Kristen, is the other delinquent in the family, she wears dresses above the knee and drinks wine on the weekends. So basically to my family she is a modern day whore. Her husband Bill wasn’t able to “make it”. Yeah right, that guy just doesn’t want to be around my cookie cutter family, surrounded by Stepford wives. Kristen pulled up in her red bug, honking away. I walked out and slid into her car trying to preserve my dress.

“Hey girl, you ready to go visit the nunnery.” She laughed.

“I prefer calling it, “Amish Country.” I responded.

We continued making jokes about our family all 40 minutes, until we pulled up to dreaded driveway.

“Ugh, you think these stupid wedding parties would get easier over time, but I just want to play sick everytime I get the phone call from my mother.” I mumbled.

“For my wedding we just went to a church and the house after and it was fine, everyone had fun. So let’s just go in with a smile and act like we love talking about the difference between coral and light pink peonies.” she responded.

 

We started to walk into the house, when I took a pause outside. I admired the wooden shutters glazed in a warm ivory, they embraced the windows, and added light to the house. The porch where I used to play, wrapped around the house, while the wooden panels remained stained in mocha. The house has changed so much since I was little, what was once my oasis, has now turned into a nightmare. I began to walk in as the door flung open.

“Where have you been young lady, I told you it started an hour ago?” my mother scolded.

“Sorry Aunt Kathy,  there was an accident and I was late to pick hannah up.” My cousin replied.

“It is fine. Come in, I am sure your sister is dying to see you.” My mom said.

Indeed, I bet while Jen is surrounded by her J.Crew friends, she is only thinking about little old me. Waiting and wishing for her only sister to come and bring light into her life.

“ Mom, is there any wine here?” I said.

“Hannah, of course not. You know Brad’s family doesn’t drink. Do be so insensitive.” she uttered in disgust.

Sorry mom, that I wanted one glass of wine to get me through this night. Please don’t send me rehab.

I continued walking around when I saw a shockingly attractive man next to the fireplace. His warm blonde hair illuminated off of his tan skin. He looked over at me and melted my heart with his blue eyes. Figures I look like a fat sour lemon when there is actually someone worth a second look at this dumb party. Maybe this is Brad’s brother, I mean he did say he was charming? I started to walk over when I was interrupted by a strange man to the left of me.

“Oh my gosh, Hannah? It’s me Paul.” he said.

I turned around hoping this was not true. When in fact it was pikachu boy! Again, why God? Accept this time his bushy hair was covered in a fedora. I do not know what I hate more fedoras or big gums. But right now, he had all of the above. His brown eyes were just staring at me, and I was trying so hard to not look utterly disgusted by his presence.

“Hey Paul. What are you doing here?” I mumbled. When I really wanted to ask him to get the hell out of my house.

“My brother is the lucky man to be.” He chuckled.

Oh dear. This was the charming brother? This sad, pathetic boy, is my setup?  My God, what does my family think of me? They honestly think that me and this guy are on the same level? I know I haven’t brought a guy around in a while, but c’mon! I will kill Jen, and Brad, that ass, he is not welcome in this family.

“Oh really? Well that’s nice. This chat has been real swell and all. But I think I hear my sister calling me.” I started to slowly back away, but he would not shut up.

“Hannah, look my tie is yellow. I don’t think that is a coincidence.” He said.

Yeah, and it is about to be covered in vomit, If I do not get away fast. I turned around and the hot guy was gone. Figures. I walked over to my sister who was probably discussing future baby names with her snobby friends.

“Jen , can I have a word?” I whispered.

“Hey Hannah! Glad you could make it, isn’t this party fabulous?” she giggled.

“Yeah it’s a real rager. Anyway, Brad’s older brother, really? Have you seen him?” I said.

“Hannah you need to be less judgy. I mean he is a tad quirky but he is a nice guy. Just get to know him.” She replied.

“Jennifer! He is obsessed with pokemon!” I yelled.

“How do you know that?” she questioned.

Oh shit.

“Uhh, he told me. Anyway besides the point.” I stated, I started to walk away. When I bumped into someone behind me.

He had lemonade all down his button down. God, no wonder my family thinks I am an embarrassment.

“I am so sorry. Here let me help.” I started to grab napkins when I looked up. His smile was electric, he started laughing as I was making a complete fool of myself.

“It’s really fine, I mean this is the most eventful thing that’s ever happened at one of these things.” he laughed.

“Yeah I know right.” I said. Ugh, why did I say that. Stupid Hannah, why couldn’t you think of something funny to say instead.

“I’m Alex, one of the lucky groomsmen.”

“I’m Hannah the sister of the bride to be. Or as I like to call myself the girl who runs around doing all her shit, and gets no appreciation.” I mumbled.

“Yeah, this wedding has cost me a lot of money.” He laughed

“Same! I don’t even spend this much on myself. But I can’t ever say that something is too expensive, because then I get the death stare from my mother.”

I look over and see the hot guy again talking to another man. God, he is so cute. I don’t know whether or not I should leave this mediocre guy for the that one. I mean he is really funny and all, but damn that guy is so attractive. I mean I don’t know why I put myself on such a pedestal, I mean I am no Victoria’s Secret model. Okay stay with Alex, he is on your level.

“Oh so you are looking at Kyle.” Alex mumbled.

Am I that obvious? How does one respond to that?

“Uhh yeah, just because i have never seen him before.” God that was the worst excuse.

“Yeah…..just letting you know that guy he is talking to, is his partner.”  He chuckled.

“Figures the hot ones are always gay.” I whispered.

“Ouch.” Alex said.

“Oh I didn’t mean it like that. You are very cute as well and….”

“Hannah- come help me out for a second please.” - my mom yelled.

I started heading for the kitchen door, hoping this conversation will be over.

Of course, my mom only wanted me to sit there and wait for the oven, so she could socialize. Apparently, that’s all I’m good for. Staring at a timer. Glad to see this is where my student loans have lead up to. Waiting for an oven.

Screw this is I thought. Why do I care what these people think of me? I am going home, no excuses, no lies, just because I want to. I start to walk out of the kitchen, and straight for the door. The taste of freedom is on my tongue. I sit out on the front step. When I hear the door close behind me.

“Do you want to go to the diner or something?” Alex questioned.

What do I have to lose?

“Sure.”

 

 


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