Scared To Be Me

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
I am hiding and you keep pushing, but I am scared. Though, I don't know how much longer I can keep this in.

Submitted: June 07, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 07, 2017



The air smelt of the ocean, as the breeze from the opened door washed over me. The dull roar of waves washing over sand outside the balcony door. The cheerful chirping of birds trying to lull me to sleep, but all I could do was stare up at the ceiling. It was a faded peace, cracks and peelings of paint scattered across it. Maybe if I looked at it long enough I could fade away and escape this lie that I was living.

Click, the hotel door unlocked, I closed my eyes bracing for myself for a conversation that I knew would be filled with lies. “Hey Alex, all of the girls are set up at the competition. They are nerding out with the other groups at the moment. You settle in alright” it was light and full of love and sarcasm.

“Yeah mom, I got the bed next to the balcony if that’s alright” I said sitting up on the bed looking at my mom, she was different when she hung out with her old collage friends, she was happier.

“No problem, I know you are still scared of the dark” she said teasingly, I stuck my tongue out at her as she sat down on the bed across from me. “Alex is there something, something you want to tell me. You are acting different, and when I asked if it had to do with”

“Stop mom ok, I’m fine” I forced out with a smile as I clenched my hands.

“You’re not ok, anytime I bring up boys” She said confused, “anytime I even joke about you having crush, you just shut me down.” She leaned forward to rest a hand on my knee, but I flinched away.

“Well maybe because I’m sick of you asking about my love life, like seriously how many times can you ask if I like someone or joke that I like one of my friends before you get tired of it” I said slowly getting more agitated. “OK, get this mom maybe I don’t like anyone ok”

“You know it’s ok you can talk to me”

I stood up and walked past her, “no I can’t ok not about this, this is my business ok, just leave it alone” unclenching my hands I started pace in front of the hotel door.

“Alex, I don’t get why this is such a big deal, just tell me his name”

“STOP! Just stop” I said, “fuck why won’t you listen I can’t tell you there name”

“Alex what have I said about swearing, you have had crushes before I don’t understand why this is any different” she said standing and walking towards me, but I just back up more shaking my head trying to keep my emotions in. “You don’t have to be embarrassed everyone has crushes” she said, but she still didn’t understand, “I know I had many crushes on my guy friends.” Her voice trying to keep light but it was starting to strain under the emotion that she felt. “You and I used to talk about everything, but over the last few months you have been retreating,” her voice cracked a little as her eyes starting watering. I just kept shaking my head, I had to keep this, I could deal with this. She couldn’t know, but it was getting to much I just wanted her to shut up. “Its not school, ok I have been racking my brain but all that comes up with this boy that you like, and I know that you do. Remember Amy got it out of you last night” that reminds me, never fucking play truth or dare with Amy again I though but couldn’t help a grin that escaped. “please, talk to me, why is this boy affecting you so much, just tell me about him.” She pleaded.

“HER” I screamed, all the anger and confusion spilling over, “ok it’s a her, not a fucking him!” I said turning to mom square on, I couldn’t take this anymore I just needed her to stop pushing.

Her eyes went wide, mouth open in surprise, “Alex” she whispered out, but I was already gone my heart racing face, shit what have I done, she wasn’t supposed to know, but I couldn’t hide it. Every time she talked about my future boyfriends or husbands it felt like I was getting stabbed in the back.

I don’t remember how I even got there just remember running down the stairs because the elevator was taking too long and hallways, walking through them, running through them just trying to escape as my breathing got harder and harder. I knock on a door before I even know why, couldn’t think about anything else then trying to breath, as my vision got more and more blurry. The door swung open to bright blue eyes and ginger hair, Kate.

“Alex” she said softly as she approached me, I probably looked like a mess, as tears started to come down. “Come in, sweetheart I have you” she put an arm around and directed me in to her room.

“Aunty Kate” I whimpered out as she sat me down on her bed crouching down to my eye level. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it softly, understand that was really scared. I hadn’t called her Aunty in years. “I think I made a mistake. I was just so made. I couldn’t take it anymore. She just kept asking and asking and saying him, him, him. I just had to stop it” I said hanging my head as tears fell. “I told her, I told her not him, her, her not him. She knows”

She gathered him in her arms and held me as I cried. “It’s ok, I have you.”

I don’t know how long at sat there as she held me. I went through the conversation over and over and over again, wishing I had never said anything. Mom wasn’t supposed to know. What does she think now? How am I supposed to face her? Kate talked to me, about everything and anything trying to take my mind off what had happened.

Kate wasn’t Mom’s sister but they have been best friends since collage. How they met was always funny to here. Kate always wore her heart on her sleeve and was so accepting and strong. She knew something was up months ago went she looked after me for a weekend even though I am almost 16. She didn’t pry though, that’s not how she works, she just tells you to come to her when you are ready. We were half way through the second star war when I broke down and told her everything. She listened to me and never asked for more. When I was done she told me she loves me and if I was going to eat my popcorn because she was hungry, it made me laugh because it was so Kate. We continued to watch Star Wars. Right before I went to bed she pulled me into a hug, told me she loved me and that she couldn’t wait to meet the girl that had me so entrapped in her words. That was how Kate operated and she knew that’s what I needed.

I was pulled from my thoughts when I heard a knock-on Kates door. She paused whatever story she was telling and looked at me confused but I looked back at her with the same expression. “Kate, Kate I can’t find, Alex.” Mom… no she can’t be here, “I’m worried can you please open up I don’t know where else she could have gone.” No, no, no. I just, I need, shit. I hastily got up from the bed and ran into the bathroom, slammed the door behind me locking it. I sunk to the floor, brought my knees to my chest. “Alex, sweetie, are you in there?” Shut up, shut up, I need some quiet, I can’t think. “Kate please open the door. I need to talk to her.” Please go away I can’t face her.

I heard Kate open the door, her voice is quiet, soft. I heard two people leave the room and close the door. I only heard the heaving of air as I try to quieten my head, but I can’t the thoughts just kept racing. I hug my knees, nails digging into my palms as I tried to focus on the pain, instead of what I was feeling. I needed something to ground me. Tears wouldn’t stop falling and I couldn’t keep watching them fall like. Eyes screwed shut I hoped to shut out the world.

I don’t know how long I sat there but eventually I could breathe again until I heard the click of the door being opened. My breath hitched. I heard the person quietly close the door as they moved to the bathroom and stopped outside. They sat down, and lent against the door back to back with me. They sighed as if they wondered about what they would say, what they could say, mostly it sounded defeated.

“Al…, I know you can hear me” It was mom, no I couldn’t do this right now, I can’t talk. My breathing became laboured as I tried to calm down but nothing was working. “Al, what’s”

“Stop…” I whispered, “please, I … I can’t talk”

No one talked, all that could be heard was the ragged breathing I tried to control. We sat in silence, but still the tension was thick. I heard rustling of paper, the click of a pen. Then something slid under the door. I slowly opened my eyes and looked down on to the paper. It read for every secret that is kept a lie is told – author Alex, I’m sorry you had to lie to me, everyone. It was something I had written down on a piece of paper a few weeks ago. I didn’t even know that she had seen it. Another one was slid underneath, love is beautiful, love is harsh – author Alex, I’m sorry you felt like you had to hid her. I had written that when I had realised how much I felt towards a girl for the first time. Another one came, fear can only be overcome with courage, I am not courageous- author Alex, you are the strongest person I know, I know your scared, but I love you and this isn’t going to change that.  

I didn’t even realise, she payed attention to everything I wrote. She realised that I wrote when I couldn’t speak when I could figure out my emotions, when they were just too much. “Pen” I said quietly, it floated around the room, settling down over the two of us and changed something. There was a shift in the air. A pen rolled under the door. I grabbed it and one of the piece of paper and flipped it over. I didn’t mean for you to find out, I was scared, I’m still scared of what you will think of me. I know this isn’t what you expected. I wrote hastily, my hand shaking as I wrote. I quick pushed it under the door with the pen.

The paper came back. Al- I love you know matter what. I don’t care who you love or like as long as you are happy. You are still the same baby girl I had 15 years ago, and that doesn’t change just because you like girls. Writing was always good for me, it allowed me to process. Right now though, I needed my mom, and needed to trust her.  I wrote back, can you sing for me. Her voice always comforted me through life, and I needed to trust, hope that it would comfort me now.

“Close your eyes, I see what you see. The darkness is high and you in ten feet deep…” Mom started. I started to relax, the music washing over me like a warm blanket. Finally, at the end of the song I reached up and unlocked the door, and took one of the best leaps of faith in my life. I felt the door move away from my back, heard her drop down beside me but I couldn’t look at her. She pulled me into a hug as she started a new song. We sat there for a long time, and she only paused signing once to tell me that she loved me. We had a lot to talk about, but at least I had hope. 

© Copyright 2018 Jacob Ian Allen. All rights reserved.

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