The Void

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
The nameless protagonist finds herself trapped in a state of unknowingness. Questions are raised that have haunted mankind since ancient times while she tries to find her way out of the void. Only fragments of a life she barely remembers are her guide..

Submitted: June 12, 2017

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Submitted: June 12, 2017

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Who am I?
Who. Am. I.
Where am I? All I can see is darkness. I can't feel anything. There's only a cold and distant sensation in my chest. It's slowly crawling through my veins.
I can't move. I can feel my limbs but I can't move them. I can't breathe. Only the feeling of suffocating exits and I can't change anything about it. What am I supposed to do? Will I ever be free?

Sometimes I can see pictures, like memories which are slowly drifting towards me just to disappear again. I can see myself in them. I am laughing. There are other people laughing with me. We are children. We are happy. We're playing games like hide and seek, later we're drinking alcohol and seem to have a lot of fun. Sometimes I see strangers, people I don't recognize. I see their decisions and different futures. I watch them running through their lives. I'm always standing beside them but I never step in. I never stop them. They're all so alive. They're all full of colors. But they are also just like matches. Alight for a moment and dead in the next one.
All these images appear seldom.
Most of the time I'm drifting through this void. Listening to the silence. I wish someone would save me. I wish someone would take me away.
Can someone please break this silence? Silent. Everything around me is so silent. Although my thoughts are like hurricanes trying to escape. My internal cries are like thunders trying to break me. I want to scream out of frustration! I want to cry! I want to get this storm out of my head into the darkness. But everything is silent.

One time I felt a presence. Something or someone. I tried to reach out, tried to set myself on fire from the inside to somehow send a signal of my existence in here. I tried everything. But I couldn't move, I couldn't speak a word. And a split second later the feeling of someone there was gone. I was alone again.

Who am I? Where am I? Why is this happening? What can I do? These are all the things I can think of but there is no one who could answer and there's nothing else to fill my mind.

 
A ring. I can see a small golden ring formed like a delicate heart in its center. While I have this picture in front of me I get this feeling of safety and warmth. It's like the first step into a new love. I catch a glimpse of life. I take a deep breath and I can feel how my lungs are filled with air. It feels like colors are poured into me. My head is filled with flowers. It's almost as if my insides are dancing. My blood is flowing, my senses are taking in all kinds of feelings of love, trust, support, understanding. But the second these fireworks are exploding inside me.. It's gone. The fragile ring is gone and the black, cold void has me back. This was the first memory to ever make me feel like that. I felt, almost alive? 

Sadness. Somehow I'm having a feeling of sadness deep inside of me. I'm not even sad that I'm here. It's more a general sad feeling rooted down in my bones. I'm sad for the world. I'm sad for the people I can see rushing through their lives. Sad for the kids who waste their opportunities, all their chances and possibilities for a moment of silence or a six feet deep hole. I'm sad for all the children and adults who don't have a choice, who live in a system that kills their minds and creativity. I'm sad when I see little girls and boys play innocently in the snow not knowing the world and the pain of life. I'm sad because one day their happiness will get replaced with a lost feeling. With a feeling that devours them. When I'm concentrating on these images, the darkness around me gets thicker and my head feels like bursting. I try to let go of these lives in front of me. Let my mind wander off and leave them again to themselves. In the end they're all just heartbeats pulsating around me, a distant vibration in the dark. One day they'll stop beating anyway.

"The void". That's how I call it. The nothingness around me. I can't feel it or see it and still I know it's there, the something that keeps me imprisoned. It's neither heaven nor hell. It's nothing yet it exists. It's cold but not freezing, just cold enough so I can't feel warm. I'm not sitting or standing. It's not uncomfortable however it's not pleasant either. My eyes are open and I am not blind nevertheless I can't see anything. How do I know that I am not actually blind? I don't know. I just feel like I am able to see. It's just something deep down that gives me the certainty of knowing things.
I can't tell how long I've been here. Maybe weeks. Maybe just hours that feel like years. Maybe just for a few seconds feeling like centuries. Right now I'm not even sure if I haven't been here forever. I don't really have any memories about a life before the void, so perhaps I've always been in this place. But then the question occurs again where these images are coming from, in which I am certainly sure that it's me who I see. Are these not my memories?
So many questions and no answers. Who am I? Where am I? How long have I been in this space?

I spot a picture coming in my sight. It is a boy sitting at a white clean table, staring at nothing in particular, thinking. From what I can see he looks sad and lost. His long, black hair is falling partly over his eyes but he doesn't seem to care or even notice. The look in his eyes is lifeless and cold. He holds something loosely in his hands. As I try to look closer the vision gets sharper and I can see a golden ring, I feel like I've already seen somewhere before. It is beautiful and fragile. In the big palm of his hand the ring looks astray and even more frail. His lips start to tremble.
Suddenly my heart skips a beat. Life is pulsating through my body. I feel. I feel the boy's overwhelming love. I feel his loss and lifelessness. I can feel his heart throbbing every time he thinks about her. I feel his pure desperation. I hear his screams. I can hear the howls he keeps hidden deep inside his scarred soul. He is calling out for her but not a word leaves his lips. Everything inside of him is rioting. Everything inside and outside of him is breaking. And I feel everything he feels. And I hear everything he's not letting out. And I want to run to him and tell him it's okay. Tell him I understand him and I feel the same. I have the demanding urge to hold him, break open with him and let everything trapped in our hearts out, and then.. it's over. Everything's gone just as fast as it came. And the void has me back.

Regret. So many of the people I can see in my visions are full of regret. Most regret all the chances they didn't take. Every risk they were too afraid to consider. They even regret fearing. They regret that they didn't learn from the mistakes they obviously made when they chose the save road. And then they do the same things over and over again, always regretting everything they did and the paths they took. At first I was angry at them. I was angry because I thought how stupid they were to live like that, to waste their precious lives this way. They had a choice at least! While I was forced to solely exist without having a chance to live at all. And with every angry thought the void around me was getting thicker and thicker, heavier and more suffocating.
But with time I changed my opinion. Because I arrived to the conclusion that if I were one of those people myself I probably wouldn't have made any better choices. If I were to grow up like them I would have made similar decisions and wouldn't always live my life to the limit out of fear since humans are not invincible or immortal. And those people know that. Finally I think it is okay to let a few opportunities slip through your fingers if you at least try to catch some. And it is okay to regret if you don't let the sorrow slow you down or make you stop trying. Sometimes all you can do is try. And even a life where you can choose you're own way can force you into doing things you don't want to do because it still has it's boundaries and borders. We are all just prisoners and have to make the best out of our time.
My head feels a little bit lighter when I think those things and the feeling of drowning in my thoughts gets a bit less worse.

Warmth. For a second I sense something warm touching my hand. I'm setting myself on fire from the inside in an effort to respond, to send a signal, to do anything. Anything to reach out and just answer. But it is no use the feeling was gone in a moment and I could do nothing to change it. I am uselessly trapped in my own body.

What are those things I can sense sometimes? It's like I suddenly know there is someone or something but it's no use to try to get through to it. Although they probably should they don't scare me at all. It's rather the opposite. When they appear I feel less alone and like there's still hope for me to get out of here one day. Some day this will be over and I will be free to live life like every other human being. I will be human. I will be alive. I. will. be. free.

A vision forms itself in front of my eyes and I try to get the best look of it as long as I can. I notice myself sitting on a playground swing. It must be some time in the evening because the shadows are already long and the sunlight gives everything a golden undertone. The whole scenery looks like the end of a long hot summer day. The breeze is playing with the grass around the me swinging softly back and forth. I can sense that it's me who I'm seeing without being able to distinguish any facial features. It's like the air is thick and blurry around the person that is me. Abruptly I remember the heat of that day and how I sat anticipating the arrival of someone really important to me. Just as these feelings come back to me I see another figure entering the picture. It is a tall boy with messy, jet black hair wearing a pair of ripped, dark jeans. His old t-shirt looks washed-out and has a few holes in it. The writing on it is already fading away but I know that it says "Man muss noch Chaos in sich haben, um einen tanzenden Stern gebären zu können“. The me in the image hasn't noticed him yet and he appears kind of nervous. His right hand is opening and closing restlessly while his right one is clenched to a fist. The moment he stepped into my vision I knew exactly what he held firmly in his clutch. He takes a step forward and the golden shimmer of the memory starts to disappear. But although the reaction of my body wasn't that strong this time I got a warm, happy feeling lingering in my chest even long after the vision was gone. I'm feeling the general warmth of being alive. The air and every bit around me seems to flicker with energy. I wish I would remember more. No matter how you look at it this black-haired boy must have played a role in my life and I want to know more about him. I want to get my memories back, and my life. No matter how much I try to recall my memories nothing happens. No vision. Nothing. Why does this void have to torture me like that? What have I done that I am trapped in here? Captured with my thoughts and my frustration. Thinking about everything that happened or is not happening rips away every good feeling I just had. Again the void has me back completely.

Exhausted. I'm feeling so tired. With every second passing I want to be less and less alive. I even get thoughts of just wanting do die. I would be free, I wouldn't have to think, I wouldn't be so damn tired. If I can't live I just want to die. But this place won't let me do neither of them. Why do I have to be the only living thing to not have a choice? Why me? I am cursed to crave all the things everyone else is getting naturally. What have I done to deserve this? What is wrong with me? Why me? Someone please make it stop.


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