The Donahues Episode 266

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan and Sarah conspire to destroy Ashton to free themselves, Jacob gets a job at a pizza place, Kimberly and Luke spar over where they should move, and Ethan becomes weak after enduring his father's funeral

Submitted: June 17, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 17, 2017









“So I run to the river, it was bleeding, I run to the sea, it was bleeding, I run to the sea, it was bleeding, all on that day”

  • Will Holt


(We start with Kimberly and Luke sitting at their kitchen table, on laptops)


KIMBERLY: There’s a neighborhood off of Howard Street that is pretty affluent, they have a gate and everything.


LUKE: I looked at that place, the gate has been propped open by rocks for five years.


KIMBERLY: It’s a welcoming, community.


(Luke takes off his glasses)


LUKE: I don’t understand why it has to be in Hansbay.


KIMBERLY: It doesn’t have to be, I’m just considering all of our options.


LUKE: Everything you’ve suggested thus far has been in Hansbay, Kim, you even suggested the house you used to live in as an option.


KIMBERLY: It’s not the same house! That house was torn down, it’s just the same lot. With that same beautiful cedar tree.


(Kimberly smiles and looks off to the side)


LUKE: Kim. Kim. KIM!


(Kimberly looks at Luke)


KIMBERLY: What’s up?


LUKE: There aren’t a lot of good options in Hansbay.


KIMBERLY: What about that house that used to be an insane asylum and is now a mansion that a couple committed group suicide in?


LUKE: …What do you mean “what about” that option?


KIMBERLY: The place had a magnificent chandelier, sliding glass windows, and we can just turn that bedroom into a guest room and sleep upstairs.


LUKE: And leave our guests haunted?


KIMBERLY: Oh come on, you don’t believe in that stuff-


LUKE: I don’t, but it has an aura- (Luke clears his throat) Kim, you’re clearly against leaving Hansbay, why?


KIMBERLY: I’ve lived here for 27 years. My son lives here.


LUKE: Your ex-husband lives here, too.


KIMBERLY: What is that supposed to mean?


LUKE: I don’t know, I’m sorry.


KIMBERLY: He just lost his father, you know.


LUKE: I know. And that’s terrible. Listen, I’m sorry. I’m just saying, some of these houses in South Burlington are brilliant.  (Luke turns the computer towards Kimberly, showing an online listing for a mansion) This house has a nook on each floor, a golf course in-neighborhood, and our neighbor would be… (Luke looks around) the CEO of Ben & Jerry’s!!!


(Luke squeals with excitement)


KIMBERLY: Why does any of that matter to you?


LUKE: Kim, we’ve earned our affluence. We should enjoy the fruits of our labor.


KIMBERLY: Who are you supporting in the UK election?


LUKE: Jeremy Corbyn, of course.


(Kimberly throws up her hands)


LUKE: What?! I don’t have to pay taxes there, and I hate Theresa May!

KIMBERLY: If the status symbols are so important to you, fine, we’ll look at your houses.


(Kimberly stands up)


LUKE: No, don’t do that.


KIMBERLY: Do what?


LUKE: I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do.


KIMBERLY: Do you want to do anything I want to do?


(Luke sighs and sits back)


LUKE: I don’t see the point of staying in Hansbay, I’m sorry.


(Kimberly sits down on the back of her couch)


KIMBERLY: Let’s just talk about this after you get back from the UK.


LUKE: Fair enough. (Luke stands up and grabs a Newsboy cap, puts it on, and then grabs a scarf and puts that on as well. He grabs some shabby suitcases too) Ready to drive me to the airport?


KIMBERLY: You’re visiting your family, not reporting back to your childhood factory, right?


LUKE: It’s cold there, Kim.


KIMBERLY: Still, though.


(Cut to Luke and Kimberly at the gate of an American Airlines flight from Burlington to Newark Liberty International Airport)


KIMBERLY: Don’t get into too many soccer riots, okay?


LUKE: I will try my very best.


KIMBERLY: Good. (Kimberly and Luke kiss. Luke walks to the gate and gets his ticket scanned. Luke is welcomed onto the bridge, and Luke waves at Kimberly as he walks onto it. Kimberly waves back. Once Luke is out of sight. Kimberly lethargically sits down on the airport waiting chairs and checks her phone) …I still don’t mind that asylum suicide house…


(Cut to Leonard Donahue’s funeral. There are a multitude of mourners gathered inside a church, wearing black suits for men, and black veils for women. A priest is eulogizing Leonard Donahue, whose coffin is sitting, open, on stage. A picture of him is upon a pedestal, with a plaque reading “Leonard Nicholas Donahue, August 13, 1935 – May 31, 2017” below it. Paul Donahue is standing at the edge of the stage holding his remarks)


PRIEST: Leonard Nicholas Donahue was a remarkable man. Clothing. Advertising. The butter business. A Jack of all Trades and a Master of all of them. But most importantly, he was a man of God. (The priest looks over at Paul) Right? (Pan over to Paul Donahue, who nods. The priest looks forward) Okay. Yes, a Man of God. He is now in the presence of his creator. And Chuck Berry! Which is cool.


(Cut to Ethan sitting in the pew, between his sister Allison and his mother Lynn. Kimberly is sitting behind them. Ethan looks quite depressed as the priest’s eulogy falls into the background. Ethan puts his head down. Kimberly puts his hand on Ethan’s shoulder from behind. Ethan notices and puts his hand on Kimberly’s and shakes it. Kimberly then removes her hand and Ethan’s hand falls into his lap)


ETHAN: (Whispering) Thank you.


(Cut back to the Priest)


PRIEST: He will now spend forever in the house of the Lord. But those of us on Earth, will miss him for as long as we remain. But let’s wait, guys, I think we’re better off waiting this one out. I am now honored to introduce Leonard’s oldest son, Paul Donahue, to say a few words, Paul Donahue, everybody.


(The Priest steps aside, and Paul takes the podium)


PAUL: …Dad. I know I haven’t always been the perfect son. I’m fifty-seven years old and I’ve never had a job. I think that’s all that really needs to be said on that. But I’ve always loved you. Yeah, you weren’t an enabler like mom, and you were a real bastard for that, but I loved you anyway. So, this is for you. (Paul takes out a forty in a paper bag and pours a little on the stage, to groans from the audience)


ETHAN: Jesus, Paul.


LYNN: Dear God.


(Paul puts the forty away)


PAUL: Don’t act shocked, It’s not like I stopped being a fuck-up just because my dad died.


(Paul walks off stage. The Priest walks back to the podium)


PRIEST: Let’s get some nuns to clean the sin juice off the stage. Thank you. Next up, please welcome Leonard’s youngest son Ethan.


(Ethan walks up on stage and takes the podium as the Priest stands aside)


ETHAN: Thank you, Father Perkins. My father was an extraordinary man. He was born in 1935 to Nicholas and Morgan Donahue in Essex. When he was ten, he stole ten cents from a merchant. Yeah, they still had merchants back then. Anyway, he stole ten cents from a merchant, and when Grandpa Nick caught him with those ten cents, he asked my father, “how did you earn ten cents?” And little Lenny Donahue said “I ran as fast as I could”. (Laughter) Hmm. He was then mercilessly beaten by Grandpa Nick, but…those were different times. (Ethan clears his throat) I can tell you that, my first memory of my father was him diligently working at his desk while I sat on the couch watching him work. I was about four. The reason I remember is, he went four hours without looking at me. And I felt no need to try to get his attention. Because, somehow, I knew what he was doing at that time was more important than whatever bullshit I had going on. (Laughter) Sorry, father.


PRIEST: As long as you don’t pour anything-


ETHAN: Hey, come on, I’m trying to deliver my eulogy.




ETHAN: He was such a dedicated man. And a dedicated father. I mean, as soon as it was quitting time, he paid plenty of attention to me. But work was not the time to do that. I took that as a lesson. To work relentlessly and never stop striving for more. It’s the American Dream. He event spent some time in prison for trying to pursue the American dream. (Ethan pauses, and tears up) But he was always my role model. And I’d like to think he was proud of me. For what I’ve accomplished. (Ethan sniffs and wipes away tears) The last time I spoke to him, it was about… (Ethan notices Anella sitting in the pews) Disney Land. The man loved Disney Land for some reason. And not even Disney Land California, but Disney Land Tokyo. He had extremely fond memories of it. I don’t get it. But to me, it indicates this hard-working ball-buster had a fun-loving side too. And that’s important. (Ethan nods) I still don’t get it though. Rest In Peace, Dad. I love you.


(Ethan takes his remarks and leaves the podium, as the mourners applaud. Cut to the wake. Ethan and Allison are speaking in a corner of the room)


ALLISON: This is a real bummer, little bro.


ETHAN: Yeah. Our father died.


ALLISON: I just can’t believe it. I truly thought that old bastard would live forever.


ETHAN: I know…I mean, he did smoke for a few decades.


ALLISON: Yeah, but in his generation, everyone smoked, and they all turned out okay.


ETHAN: No, a lot of them are dead.


ALLISON: Ethan, please, I’m trying to process this.


ETHAN: You’re right, Ally, I’m sorry.

(Ethan puts his hand on Allison’s shoulder)


ALLISON: You made a great speech, by the way.


ETHAN: Thanks.


ALLISON: Dad would’ve hated it.


ETHAN: Ugh, no kidding. He hated sentimentality.


ALLISON: He used to tell us that his funeral should be a crane lowering him into the ground with only mom watching.


ETHAN: Yep. He always said he meant to get around to putting that in the will.


(Lynn walks over wiping tears away from her eyes)


LYNN: The Priest was just dreadful today, wasn’t he?


ETHAN: Yeah, why’d we invite him to speak?


LYNN: He was the only one we could get short notice. Not many Priests here knew Leonard well. It’s kind of odd, considering he would tell me “I’m going to the church to clear my head” numerous times a year.


(Ethan and Allison look at one another)


ETHAN: (Simultaneously with Allison) I’m gonna go comfort Kimberly.


ALLISON: (Simultaneously with Ethan) I’m gonna go comfort Uncle Maxwell and his boyfriend.


(They both walk in different directions)


LYNN: Look at that, Maxwell and his boyfriend are still alive.


(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly speaking)


ETHAN: Thanks for coming, Kim, it means a lot to me.


KIMBERLY: I wouldn’t miss it for the world, I always had a sweet spot for your old man.


ETHAN: He liked you, too. Probably too much. In a way that made me tell him to cool it, sometimes.


(Kimberly chuckles)


KIMBERLY: He was very friendly.


ETHAN: Yes, that he was.


KIMBERLY: You seem to be taking this okay.


ETHAN: Yeah, well, the fact he’s gone doesn’t hurt as much as the fact that I didn’t see him enough in his final years. And I think that if he had lived longer, I might’ve made the same mistake. And that bothers me.


KIMBERLY: Don’t worry about that, Ethan. You’ve had fifty-one great years with him.


ETHAN: They weren’t all great, that’s the other thing. I just keep scanning through them in my mind, and…more and more difficulties come up each time.

KIMBERLY: Like what?


ETHAN: He was emotionally distant. I feel like the last time I saw him was the first time we had a heart-to-heart, you know?


KIMBERLY: It takes a long time for men to open up. I mean, you and Ryan still have an icy relationship, right?


ETHAN: I rescued his girlfriend! He should put money in MY debit account!

KIMBERLY: I’m just saying, it’s hard to shake off emotionally cold relationships. It’s hard to change habits.


(Ethan nods)


ETHAN: You’re right. I wish Ryan could be here.


KIMBERLY: He does too. But planes to America are expensive.


ETHAN: How is he?


KIMBERLY: Great, from what I hear. Hold on, my old schoolmaster is over there and she wants to lecture me. Be right back.


(Kimberly walks away. Anella walks over to Ethan)


ANELLA: Hey, Ethan.


ETHAN: Hey, Anella.


ANELLA: I just wanted to say-


ETHAN: Sorry, I wish I could talk, but, I should talk to the Mayor, over there. He IS my boss, after all.


ANELLA: He’s just eating a bowl of olives over there.


ETHAN: Talk to you in a bit.


(Ethan walks away, leaving Anella dejected. Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Tracy and Sweatshirt sitting around the table at Sweatshirt’s place. There are two “two” candles in a dark chocolate bar, as they sing happy birthday in Japanese)


TRACY, SWEATSHIRT & SARAH: ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????!


RYAN: How long did it take for you guys to memorize that?




SARAH: Blow out the candle.


RYAN: I like to let it burn a little longer so I can taste some of the wax.


TRACY: What is wrong with you?


SARAH: Many, many things.


TRACY: No, I mean, the fact you chose a bar of dark chocolate instead of a birthday cake.


RYAN: Dark chocolate is great! It’s like milk chocolate without the milky goodness.


TRACY: Exactly.


RYAN: Whatever. I love it. Now everybody leave the room so I can eat it.




SARAH: He doesn’t eat in front of other people, remember?




SARAH: Just eat it later, babe, we gotta go over the plan.


RYAN: We’ve been over it like two times!


SARAH: Yeah, that’s not enough!

RYAN: Fine, one more go around.


SWEATSHIRT: Okay. Our plan to take down Ashton Delay is as follows. You invite- (Cut to Ryan walking up to Ashton in his apartment with an envelope) Ashton to a party so you can regain his trust.


RYAN: Do you party?


ASHTON: If you’re asking whether I do eight-balls, the answer is yes.


SWEATSHIRT: Then, at said party- (Cut to Ashton sprawled out on Ryan’s bed, surrounded by wine bottles, as music thumps in the background, and Ryan and Sarah look on) get him drunk as fuck.


(Ryan looks at the camera)


RYAN: I don’t think that’ll require much interference on our part.


SWEATSHIRT: And then stuff- (Ryan takes out a napkin with a phone number in Japanese written on it) a napkin with a phone number on it in his pocket while he’s sleeping.


(Cut back to them)


TRACY: And who’s phone number might that be?


SWEATSHIRT: None other than the daughter of Hirohito Kanamori, Meisa Kanamori.


SARAH: Yeah. We know. Why are you saying it again?


SWEATSHIRT: She asked!

TRACY: I’m just hoping Ryan remembers.


RYAN: You underestimate me, Tracy.


(Tracy chuckles)


TRACY: Okay.


(Tracy takes out spaghetti and starts eating it. Sweatshirt holds his girlfriend)


SWEATSHIRT: You got into my weed, didn’t you, babe?


TRACY: No, I just fucking love spaghetti.


SARAH: The bitch is high.


(They all laugh. Sweatshirt lets go of Tracy)


SWEATSHIRT: So anyway, remember to put the- (Cut back to Ryan putting the phone number in Ashton’s pocket) phone number in Ashton’s pocket.


RYAN: (VO) Thanks for hacking to get us them digits, Sweatshirt.


SWEATSHIRT: No problem. Oh, and invite a really average-looking Asian girl- (An average-looking Asian girl walks over) to the party later on, so he’ll remember an Asian girl being there but not whether it was Hirohito’s daughter or not.


TRACY: (VO) Sarah and I will do casting, so it’s not just a bunch of men deciding what Asian girls look “average” and which don’t.


SWEATSHIRT: (VO) And then- (Cut to Ashton walking into the Yakuza headquarters, only to be greeted by Yakuza henchmen) the next morning, Ashton will meet with Yakuza, but a routine patdown- (Yakuza pat Ashton down and empty his pockets, only to find the number) will reveal that he has the number. (Yakuza hold him and one of them goes to tap Hirohito on the shoulder, who was sitting in the corner drinking Saki. He is handed the note and crushes it in his hand) Hirohito will be so angry that Ashton will- (Ashton flees the building, then cut to Ashton foaming at the mouth while sitting on a plane) be forced to flee the country and hopefully overdose on the plane. (Cut back to them) And then I will hack into the Yakuza mainframe, delete their personal information on you, and you guys will go into hiding in our apartment until you find a new place to live, far away from the Yakuza.


(Tracy claps quickly and shortly)


TRACY: Beautiful!

RYAN: It’s fool-proof. Except for the countless things that need to go right in order for it to happen.


SWEATSHIRT: What’s the alternative?


(Ryan and Sarah smirk and look at one another)


SWEATSHIRT: We are NOT committing group suicide in the Aokigahara suicide forest.


(Ryan and Sarah shrug their shoulders)


RYAN: Well, darn.


SWEATSHIRT: This is a good plan. It’s time to put it into action.


SARAH: I agree.


RYAN: …Okay. I’m in. (Sarah, Tracy and Sweatshirt put their hands in the middle. They all look to Ryan) …I’m in, but I’m not gonna do the, 1-2-3 “go team” thing. I mean, come on guys.


(Cut to Jacob sitting in a booth inside a pizza restaurant, being interviewed by a chubby man in his mid-thirties with a beard, wearing a uniform that reads “Shinebox Pizza”. He is looking over Jacob’s application. Jacob is wearing a collared shirt)


MANAGER: Wow, so you served in the army for six months?


JACOB: Yes, I did.


MANAGER: Did you ever shoot anyone?


JACOB: I, uh, have, yes.


MANAGER: Did he die?


JACOB: Will I have to shoot anybody in this job?


MANAGER: No, man, I’m sorry, brother.


JACOB: It’s alright.


MANAGER: Yeah, I think you’re a good fit, you have a car, right?




MANAGER: It’s not a tank, is it?


(The manager laughs)




(The manager looks over to the bartender washing cups behind the bar)


MANAGER: Hear what I said, Gary?


GARY: What’s up, Shawn?


SHAWN: I was saying this guy might drive a tank, to deliver pizzas, because he’s in the army.


(Gary chuckles)


GARY: Maybe.


(Shawn looks back at Jacob)


SHAWN: That’s Gary, he works the bar.


JACOB: Hey Gary.


SHAWN: We only serve craft beers here at Shinebox, it’s our thing.


JACOB: Cool.


SHAWN: So, yeah, basically, when you’re out deliverin’ pizzas, just represent the company well. Don’t speed, don’t violate traffic laws, don’t, you know- (Shawn laughs) flip people off when you’re drivin’, you know?


JACOB: Right.


(Shawn turns to Gary)


SHAWN: Isn’t that right, Gary?


JACOB: Oh, Gary’s back.


GARY: What’s that, Shawn?


SHAWN: You shouldn’t go flippin’ people off while delivering Shinebox pies, right?


GARY: Say again?


(Shawn chuckles)


SHAWN: I was just telling Jacob here you shouldn’t go flippin’ people off when you’re out deliverin’ Shinebox pizzas, huh?


GARY: What’s that?


JACOB: (Under his breath) Oh dear Christ.


(Cut to Ryan sitting in his apartment, watching James Comey testify in front of the Senate Intelligence committee on his laptop)


DIRECTOR COMEY: I was honestly concerned he might lie about the nature of our meeting and so I thought it really important to document. That combination of things I had never experienced before, but it led me to believe I got to write it down, and I got to write it down in a very detailed way.


RYAN: Come on, he’s never dealt with a President calling him to tell him he had nothing to do with hookers in Russia before? I find that hard to believe. Where’s the “calling it even” media when you need them?


(A loud knock on the door is heard, and Ryan mutes the testimony, goes over to the door and looks through the peephole. He sees Ashton. He backs up, takes a deep breath, and then opens the door. Ashton walks in and takes out a cigarette)


ASHTON: What’s up, chattel?


RYAN: Hey.


(Ryan closes the door as Ashton lights his cigarette)


ASHTON: Watchin’ that Comey bullshit?


(Ryan walks toward Ashton)


RYAN: I was getting a little homesick.


(Ashton exhales cigarette smoke and faces Ryan)


ASHTON: Comey could be lying.


RYAN: Okay, then that’s perjury. Is Trump willing to testify under oath?


ASHTON: If your question is, “is Trump willing to commit perjury?” The answer is, abso-fucking-lutely.


(Ryan chuckles)


RYAN: You’re funny, man.


(Ashton squints his eyes)


ASHTON: Excuse me?


RYAN: (Inward thought) Not a smooth way to broach this. Adjust. (Talking) You’re a chill dude, I actually enjoy working for you.


ASHTON: Is my duder Ryan now a chill bro instead of a little sad boy?


(Ryan chuckles)


RYAN: You’re funny, man. (Inward) Damnit, why do I keep saying that? Just cut to the chase. (Talking) Do you want to come to my birthday party tomorrow night?


(Ryan hands Ashton an invitation that says “you’re invited to ryans 22nd birthday thing, byob, byoc, byoe, check your coats and concern for your personal wellbeing at the door”)


ASHTON: You want me to come?


RYAN: Yeah, dude. Like you or not, no party would be quite depraved enough without you.


ASHTON: Like me or not?


RYAN: I happen to, a lot of people don’t. But who cares about them? Let’s just take a night off from the daily grind of ruining people’s lives to have a rager. What do you say?


ASHTON: …I have been pretty stressed recently. My parents are starting to catch on that I wasn’t kidnapped.


RYAN: See you there, Ashton.


(Ashton nut taps Ryan)


ASHTON: You too, buddy.


(Ryan holds his balls and tries to smile through the pain)


RYAN: Hmmm, you’re such a prankster!


(Cut to Kimberly driving Jacob, Renee, Kyle and Ethan back to Jacob’s apartment in her 2017 Escalade. Renee and Jacob are sitting in the back, where Renee is breast-feeding Kyle. Ethan is sitting in the front seat, feeling uncomfortable and looking out the window)


RENEE: Somebody’s hungry…you are growing into such a hardy young boy, so hungry for momma’s stuff!


ETHAN: Aaaagh, what’s on the radio?


(Ethan turns up the radio)


NPR: Exit polls indicate Theresa May’s Conservative Party is set to lose their majority in parliament in today’s elections- a shocking result that could jeopardize May’s future as Prime Minister and lead to a leadership fight for the Tories, who are still expected to remain the largest party in Parliament.


ETHAN: Well, enough of that.


(Ethan turns the radio back down)


KIMBERLY: It’s natural, Ethan.


ETHAN: I know, I just don’t like seeing it.


JACOB: I’m with you on that, dad.


RENEE: We’re over here, Kimberly.


KIMBERLY: Alright then. (Kimberly pulls up to the gate of their apartment complex. She rolls down the window and sees the gate code computer) What’s the gate code?


JACOB: Just wait for someone to leave.


ETHAN: You guys don’t know your gate code?


JACOB: It’s too late to ask, okay?!

(Cut to Kimberly driving Ethan to her house, Jacob, Renee and Kyle now being gone)


ETHAN: Thanks for, uh, having us ride together. I wanted the funeral to be a family affair.


KIMBERLY: No problem. And I’m sorry again for your loss.


ETHAN: Yeah…it sucks. But we all hold our breath, knowing this day will come.


KIMBERLY: I don’t like to think about it.


ETHAN: But you do. Right?

(Kimberly shrugs)


KIMBERLY: Sure. But I still think mom and dad have a lot of time left in them.


ETHAN: I think so, too. (Ethan chuckles) I’m sure Jacob, Ryan and Madeline have thought about our deaths before, too.


(Kimberly chuckles)


KIMBERLY: Probably.


ETHAN: They’re really fairly independent, aren’t they?


KIMBERLY: Not financially. I’m hemorrhaging money to Jacob and Ryan.


ETHAN: Did you always have this Escalade?


(Kimberly laughs)


KIMBERLY: Shut up. I’m a little wealthier now, but I got here by being frugal.


ETHAN: You had a little help.


(Kimberly smiles and looks at Ethan)


KIMBERLY: That’s true. (Kimberly looks forward) I just have no idea what Ryan is doing in Japan, to be honest.


ETHAN: Studying music, right?


KIMBERLY: When you spent the summer in Berlin in the summer of ’86, did you JUST study business?


ETHAN: No, I also threw rocks at East Germany every day at around six.




ETHAN: Hopefully Sarah is keeping him in check.


(Kimberly shrugs)


KIMBERLY: I guess that’s all you can hope for.


ETHAN: …Remember when we went to Japan?


KIMBERLY: Yeah, of course. That was the summer of…?


ETHAN: 2000.


KIMBERLY: Right. That was fun, we saw the Meiji shrine.


ETHAN: And we were chased by those guys in power ranger costumes for a…couple miles.


KIMBERLY: Ah, that was terrifying.


ETHAN: But remember when we finally lost them?


(Kimberly looks up, as if to think)


KIMBERLY: Yes, I suppose I do.


(Kimberly looks over at Ethan, and then back on the road)


ETHAN: Roppongi was pretty cool, too.




(Kimberly pulls up to her house. They both get out of her Escalade. Ethan sees his car parked on the side of the road)


ETHAN: Well. Thanks.


(Kimberly turns to Ethan)


KIMBERLY: No problem. I’m sorry for everything, this must be a terrible day for you.


(Ethan breathes in)


ETHAN: I try not to telegraph my internal turmoil.


(Kimberly chuckles)


KIMBERLY: …Do you want a drink?


(Ethan bites his lip)




(Ethan and Kimberly walk toward Kim’s house. Cut to them walking into the living room/kitchen area. The TV is on, showing Senator John McCain questioning former FBI Director James Comey)


DIRECTOR COMEY: Yes, as of July the 5th, the FBI completed its investigate work and that’s what I was announcing, what we had done, and what we had found.


(Senator McCain pauses and raises his eyebrows)


SENATOR MCCAIN: Well, at least in the minds of this member, there’s a whole lot of questions remaining about what went on, particularly, considering the fact that, as you mentioned, it’s a quote, “big deal” as to what went on during the campaign. So, I’m glad you concluded that part of the investigation, but, I, I, I, think that the American people have a whole lot of questions out there, particularly since you just emphasized the role that Russia played, and obviously, she was a candidate for President at the time. So she was clearly involved in this whole, situation, where fake news, uh, uh, as you just described it, “big deal”, uhhh, took place. I du-uuhhh, you’re gonna have to help me out here. In other words, we’re complete the investigation of anything that former Secretary Clinton had to do with the campaign was over and we don’t have to worry about it anymore?


DIRECTOR COMEY: With respect to Secr- I’m not, I’m a little confused, Senator, with respect to Secretary Clinton-




DIRECTOR COMEY: We had investigated, criminal investigation in connection with her use of a personal e-mail server-


SENATOR MCCAIN: I understand-


DIRECTOR COMEY: And that’s the investigation I announced the conclusion of on July 5th.


SENATOR MCCAIN: So, but, at the same time you made the announcement there would be no f- charges brought against, uh, then-Secretary Clinton, for any activities in-involved, in the Russia involvement in our- engagement in our, uh, election. I don’t, I don’t quite understand how you could be done with that, but not complete-done, with the whole investigation of their attempt to affect the outcome of our election.


DIRECTOR COMEY: No, I’m sorry, we’re not, at least when I left, when I was fired on May the 9th, there was still an open, active investigation to understand the Russian efforts, and whether any Americans worked with them.


KIMBERLY: What in the holy Hell is McCain talking about?


ETHAN: I knew anti-Trump Republicans would save us.


(Ethan sighs and turns off the TV as Kimberly takes out a glass of wine from her liquor cabinet)


KIMBERLY: Comey just told them the President tried to obstruct justice and this apparently senile dude is still obsessed with Hillary’s goddamn emails. It never ends.


ETHAN: What wine is that?


KIMBERLY: It’s a 1947 Pinot Noir Rose.


(Ethan shakes his head)


ETHAN: If I didn’t know you, I’d want to punch you in the face.


(Kimberly chuckles, and takes out two glasses and pours them each a glass)


KIMBERLY: To Leonard Donahue.


(They clink the glasses and take sips)


ETHAN: Holy shit, that is excellent.


KIMBERLY: I know. Wanna see the houses we’re looking at? We’re having some trouble deciding.


ETHAN: Just in case I’m not resentful enough?


(Kimberly laughs)


KIMBERLY: Just look at ‘em, come on. (Ethan puts his glass down, as does Kimberly, and follows her to the dining room table, where numerous printed out house listings are on display) Which one catches your eye most?


(Ethan rubs his chin, and points at “225 Horn Swallow Drive”, a five-bedroom six-bathroom mini-mansion in South Burlington with a huge backyard)


ETHAN: That seems like it has a backyard big enough for servant’s quarters.


(Kimberly giggles, and then slowly places her hand upon Ethan’s hand. Ethan looks at her hand, and then clutches it. Then they take their hands off the table and hold both of each other’s hands. Kimberly starts kissing Ethan, and they begin making out, as “The Greatest” by Alabama Shakes begins playing. Ethan puts Kimberly up against a support beam in the middle of the kitchen as they continue making out. Cut to them walking into Ryan’s old room, as they remove articles of clothing and continue making out. Ethan throws his dress shirt, tie and suit to the floor, as Kimberly removes her blouse and bra. Kimberly gets on Ryan’s bed, and Ethan removes her pants. Ethan undoes his belt and pants as well, and the two start having sex. The song fades out as we fade in to Jacob and a teenager, both wearing “Shinebox Pizza” shirts, in the kitchen at Shinebox Pizza)


TEENAGER: So, yeah, if you’re not getting any deliveries, there are things you are supposed to do in the meantime.


JACOB: Like what?


TEENAGER: You can make knots, they’re pretty easy. (He grabs some dough and starts flattening it) You just flatten some dough, and- well, you get it.


(He stops doing it)


JACOB: No, I don’t-


(One of the waiters, a tall, handsome guy, walks by with a tray of food)


WAITER: Comin’ through. Oh, hey! (The waiter looks down at Jacob) You must be the new guy!

JACOB: Hey man, name’s Jacob.


WAITER: Good to meet ya, buddy! Let me know if you need anything.


(Waiter winks and walks away)


JACOB: He’s charismatic.


TEENAGER: Yeah, that’s Mason. He’s fucked every girl here.


JACOB: Wow. Have you fucked any girl here, Jesse?


JESSE: Nah, man. Well, I fingered the dough mixer in the freezer once.


JACOB: You mean, the middle-aged Latina lady back there who speaks no English?


JESSE: Yeah. (Jesse puts his hands on Jacob’s shoulder) Don’t count on this place to get you any pussy, buddy.


JACOB: Well, I’m married, so I wasn’t planning on it- how old are you, Jesse?


JESSE: I’m nineteen.


JACOB: Okay, well, I’m twenty-three, so I don’t really want to be called “buddy” if you don’t mind.


JESSE: Fine, I won’t. But you’re the bottom of the food chain here, you’re the new guy. So don’t expect others to respect that. (Jesse pats Jacob on the back) But still, I got your back, bud. Now I’m gonna teach you where to hide cigarette butts after you’ve sneaked smoke breaks in the freezer.


(Jesse walks into the kitchen. Jacob shrugs)


JACOB: I guess you do have my back.


(Jacob follows Jesse into the kitchen. Cut to Ashton walking into Ryan’s apartment party. Ryan, Sarah, Sweatshirt, Tracy, Hikaru, Michiko and Sen are at the party, where Twenty-One pilots is playing. There are numerous bottles of vodka and people smoking weed)



ASHTON: Whaddup, Ry-Ry?


(Ryan hugs Ashton)


RYAN: Glad you could come, bro.


ASHTON: Hey, you only turn twenty-two once. (Ashton lets go of Ryan) But Sarah seems to remain the same age.


SARAH: What does that mean?


RYAN: HA HA! You’re funny, man. Let’s get you a drink. (Ryan walks over to a table with solo cups on it and picks one up) What do you want?


ASHTON: Straight vodka, thanks.


RYAN: Comin’ up.


(Ryan pours Ashton a cup of vodka and hands it to him)


ASHTON: Thanks. (Ashton drinks the entire thing in one big gulp. Everyone cheers, as Ryan looks on in amazement. Ashton puts the cup down) Go ahead and re-fill it.


RYAN: Sure thing.


(Ryan pours another cup of vodka for him. Cut to Ryan and Sarah in the kitchen a little while later, while everyone else is partying)


SARAH: He’s making this really easy for us.


RYAN: Yeah, but he also has the tolerance T-Rex. So we need to keep the alcohol flowing.


SARAH: Why would a T-Rex have a good alcohol tolerance?


RYAN: Because they’re-


SARAH: Yeah, they’re big, but they were never able to make alcohol, because they had no farming or grain, so their bodies would be completely unaccustomed to alcohol-


RYAN: I’d love to have this debate with you at some point, but I need- (Ryan takes out a funnel and a bottle of Everclear) to funnel Everclear into my master’s ass.


(Ryan walks out of the kitchen, as Sarah chuckles and takes a sip from a solo cup. Cut to Ashton lying on the couch, with Sen and Hichiko)


ASHTON: Have I told you guys the story of when I hooked a celebrity’s daughter on coke?


SEN: Please don’t tell that story.


(Ryan comes over with a bottle of Everclear and a funnel)


RYAN: You ready?


ASHTON: Fuck yeah I am.


(Ashton opens his mouth)


RYAN: Ah, we’re going orally, okay.


(Ryan sticks the funnel in Ashton’s mouth and pours Everclear down it)


MICHIKO: Your liver must be made of titanium.


(Ryan stops pouring and takes the funnel out of his mouth, and Ashton sits back)


ASHTON: I’m on my third, baby.


MICHIKO: Your third liver?


ASHTON: That’s right.


MICHIKO: You should not be proud of that.


ASHTON: And yet I am. (Ashton smiles and looks toward Sen. Ashton takes a cherry out of his pocket) Put this in your mouth please.


(Cut to Ryan walking towards the front door. He looks through the peep hole, and he lets an Asian woman in)


RYAN: (Whispering) Thanks for coming.


ASIAN WOMAN: I’m always up for a role. Any role. Where are the cameras?


RYAN: No cameras, all you have to do is be here, and make sure that guy- (Ryan points to Ashton) sees you. But don’t talk to him.


ASIAN WOMAN: My agent told me-


RYAN: A role’s a role, right? Now go over there and be visible.


(The Asian woman shrugs and walks over into the living room. Ashton sees her)


ASHTON: Who’s this?


(Ryan walks into the living room)


RYAN: Man, you must want a SHOT!

ASHTON: FUCK yeah, I do.


(Ryan pours Ashton a shot of Whiskey, and hands it to him. He takes it and throws the shot glass at the wall, breaking it into pieces. Sarah comes in)


SARAH: Awesome, I’ll have to clean that up.


ASHTON: (Slurred) The maid’ll get out, don’t worry about it, Sarah-sar-sar…


RYAN: HA HA HA! You’re funny, man…


SARAH: Don’t walk in that area for a little bit, alright, guys?


(Sarah walks back into the kitchen)


RYAN; Ashton, you want to do another?


(Cut to Ashton. He is out cold. Sweatshirt walks in holding the note)


ASHTON: You ready?


RYAN: (Whispering) Yes. (Sweatshirt walks over to Ashton and carefully starts to slip the note into Ashton’s pants. Ashton twitches a little bit, and mumbles, causing Sweatshirt to hesitate) Keep going.


(Sweatshirt slips the rest of the paper in his pocket and quickly steps back)


SWEATSHIRT: Well. We did it.


(Tracy comes in, and Ryan sighs and checks his phone)


RYAN: Well, guys, it’s 8:15. What do you want to do now?


ASIAN WOMAN: Can I get paid now?


RYAN: Yeah, sorry.


(Ryan takes out his wallet and starts thumbing through yens. Cut to Ashton, wearing sunglasses, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, approaching Yakuza HQ the next morning. He walks up to the door and knocks the tune of the entire Mario theme song, which takes about 90 seconds. They finally let him in, and he walks into a front room, where two Yakuza thugs start frisking him)


ASHTON: You guys really have it made with this job, huh?


(One of the Yakuza thugs reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone, but also the number on the napkin)


YAKUZA THUG: ???????????? ??????????????


(SUBTITLES: You see this? Isn’t this Hirohito’s daughter?)


ASHTON: Wait, what is that?


YAKUZA THUG 2: ????????????? ????????????????.


(SUBTITLES: Yeah, Meisa is his daughter! She has the huge tits and the tight ass)


YAKUZA THUG: (To Ashton) How dare you treat Hirohito’s daughter like play thing! We will get him over here right now!

ASHTON: What are you talking about, I didn’t-


YAKUZA THUG 2: Tell that to this phone number!

(Yakuza Thug 2 holds up the phone number)


ASHTON: I’ve never… (Ashton flashes back to the Asian girl in Ryan’s apartment, and then back to the present time) remembered fucking his daughter.


YAKUZA THUG: We give you out. Run away while we get Hirohito and never come back.


(The Yakuza Thugs walk down the hallway, and Ashton looks around)


ASHTON: Man, I hope that pussy was worth it. Because it does not feel so right now.


(Ashton runs out of the building. Cut to Hirohito in his office, with the two Yakuza thugs standing in front of him)


HIROHITO: ?????????!


(SUBTITLES: He got away?!)


YAKUZA THUG: ?????????????. (The thug holds up his limp hand) ????????????????.


(SUBTITLES: He’s so strong! Look, he hurt my little hand)


(Hirohito slams his fist on the desk)


HIROHITO: ???????????????? ????????????????????!


(SUBTITLES: Get him back here immediately! He must marry my daughter right away!)






HIROHITO: ????????????? ???????????????????????????. (Hirohito smiles and sits down behind his desk and kicks his feet up on the table, while resting his chin on his hand) ??????????????????????????


(SUBTITLES: He is the perfect fit for Meisa. He is irreverent and surly, she is studious and well-mannered. Sometimes life has perfect little surprises for you, you know?)


(The Yakuza thugs look at each other, and then bow, and walk out the door. Cut to Ashton walking down the street of Tokyo. A van pulls up, and the Yakuza thugs get out)



(One of the thugs knocks Ashton out with a baton, and the two of them lift him up)


YAKUZA THUG: ????????????! ?????????????! ??????????????.


(SUBTITLES: No need to worry! He's an escaped mental patient! We have got this under control)


(They throw him into the van and drive away. Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Sweatshirt and Tracy in Sweatshirt and Tracy’s apartment. Ryan, Tracy and Sarah are sitting on couches while Sweatshirt is on his PC, hacking)


RYAN: Status update?


SWEATSHIRT: Count Dracula is blackula.


RYAN: Is that a status update or a bad movie tagline?


SWEATSHIRT: It’s the second one.


RYAN: What’s the status, Sweat?


SWEATSHIRT: It’s like 89% done. They won’t have your information anymore.


(Ryan and Sarah breathe a sigh of relief)


RYAN: Thank God. I can’t wait to live here and make decorating decisions.


TRACY: It’s only temporary.


RYAN: That’s the same thing my parents said when they found me abandoned in a grocery cart twenty-two years ago.


SARAH: He’s just trying to get attention, that didn’t happen.


TRACY: Have we heard anything about Ashton?


RYAN: No, we haven’t. And it’s concerning me a bit. (Ryan’s phone rings. He sees the caller ID says “Ashton”) Well, here he is now.


SARAH: Answer it!


(Ryan breathes deeply, and then answers it)


SWEATSHIRT: Sound clueless.


(Ryan goes cross-eyed)


RYAN: Hello?


ASHTON: Ryan, you have to help me.


RYAN: With whaaaat?


ASHTON: Hirohito is FORCING me to marry his daughter on threat of death!

RYAN: Wait, what!?


ASHTON: Yes! Apparently, she was at your party last night, and I must’ve gotten her number!

RYAN: She waaaas? You diiid?


ASHTON: Yeah, and now you have to help me escape from this marriage, man. Meisa isn’t the woman for me. (Cut to Ashton on his cell phone in a garage) She’s READING in the living room right now. And she insists that I make my bed EVERY. DAY. Even my mom didn’t make me do that! I mean, shit, I’d rather marry my mom than this chick! In fact, damn, marrying my mom wouldn’t be so bad. Oh, God, is that what I’ve wanted all along?


RYAN: (On the phone) Ashton, calm down. I can get you out of this situation.




(Cut to Ryan, Tracy, Sarah and Sweatshirt)


RYAN: Tell Meisa you’re going out for cigarettes, and then then don’t come back.


ASHTON: (On the phone) Dude, you don’t understand, the Yakuza knows everything about me!

RYAN: My friend just hacked into their computers to delete Sarah and I’s personal information. We can do the same for you.


(Cut to Ashton)


ASHTON: Wow, you back-stabbing prick.


RYAN: (On the phone) I’m offering you an out.


ASHTON: How do I know this is even true?


RYAN: (On the phone) You have no other choice but to believe me, bro. I can have your info wiped.


ASHTON: In exchange for what?


RYAN: (On the phone) Release Sarah and I from indentured servitude and never tell the Yakuza anything about us ever again.




ASHTON: Shit, you’ve got a deal.


(Cut to Ryan, Tracy, Sweatshirt and Sarah)


RYAN: Cool. (Ryan puts the phone to his chest) Get rid of Ashton’s info.


SWEATSHIRT: Cool, you want me to get the French nuclear codes while I’m at it?


RYAN: Please, get rid of Ashton’s info. (Sweatshirt turns to his computer and starts typing. Ryan puts the phone back to his ear) You don’t deserve this, you know. You put us through Hell- (Dial tone) dumbass hung up before he knew the hacking was complete.


(Ryan puts the phone in his pocket, and Sarah puts her head on Ryan’s lap)


SARAH: So, we’re safe now?


RYAN: I guess.


TRACY: I feel like we’re a little less safe.


SWEATSHIRT: That’s the risk we took with this whole endeavor, I guess.


RYAN: I mean. Tokyo has thirteen people million. They won’t be able to find us.


SARAH: Remember when we coincidentally ran into Sen, Michiko and Hikaru at Ashton’s party?


(Ryan nods)


RYAN: Yeah…that was, you know. A fluke.


(Cut to Ethan waking up next to naked Kimberly. He sits up, and Kimberly turns over to face him)


KIMBERLY: Morning.


ETHAN: This should not have happened.


(Ethan gets up and puts on underwear. Kimberly sits up)


KIMBERLY: We had a lot of time to say that before it happened.


(Ethan starts putting pants on)


ETHAN: I’m sorry this happened, my decision-making was clouded by grief and the tasteful funeral chardonnay that was served at the wake.


KIMBERLY: Don’t be sorry, I shouldn’t have come on to you. Things haven’t been…amazing, with Luke recently.


ETHAN: You don’t need to explain. (Ethan starts putting on his shirt) Oh, and if we love Ryan, we’ll burn this bed and tell him it caught fire due to, I don’t know, faulty wiring.


KIMBERLY: Agreed. (Ethan puts his shoes and walks towards the door) Ethan.


(Ethan looks at Kimberly)


ETHAN: What’s up?


KIMBERLY: You enjoyed it.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: ...Yes. (Ethan leaves. Cut to Ethan walking up to his apartment door. He unlocks it, and walks in, to see Anella standing in his living room. He huffs, and slams the door) The FUCK do you think you’re doing here?


ANELLA: Ethan, please, I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss-


ETHAN: Get out. I appreciate it, but get out.


(Anella tears up, and nods. She walks out of the apartment. Angrily, Ethan runs over to his liquor cabinet and pours a drink for himself. He then swallows it in one fell swoop, pours another one and turns on the TV to see Quinn Porter reporting on the British elections)


QUINN PORTER: Rumors in the UK seem to indicate Prime Minister Theresa May will not resign, and will attempt to cling to power through a coalition government with the Democratic Unionist Party, a far-right, anti-gay, anti-abortion party, or as Americans know it, the Republican Party. Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has called on May to resign, and has pointed out the hypocrisy of forming a coalition when May used the term “coalition of chaos” to describe how Corbyn would form a Government. England goes into Brexit negotiations in nine days, with no clear leader and little leverage. One thing is for sure, though, according to international elites. Jeremy Corbyn is the British Donald Trump, only way less racist, way less xenophobic, kinder, more intelligent, far, far more liberal and also in no way like Donald Trump.


(Ethan turns off the TV, puts his drink down, and lays his head on the pillow on the couch and closes his eyes. We fade out)



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