Super Screenwriter

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fan Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
No education is required to become a professional screenwriter, just good storytelling abilities and imagination. Woody is much more than a screenwriter. He is also a director, actor, comedian, playwright, and musician.

Submitted: June 18, 2017

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Submitted: June 18, 2017

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No education is required to become a professional screenwriter, just good storytelling abilities and imagination. Screenplays have become, for the last half of (the twentieth) century, what the Great American Novel was for the first half. Closet writers who used to dream of the glory of getting into print now dream of seeing their story on the big or small screen.

Woody is much more than a screenwriter. He is also a director, actor, comedian, playwright, and musician. As a kid he grew up eating "Bananas", and got funnier than monkeys by throwing bananas peel under people's feet. He liked to play trick on people. He would also rob them and "Take the Money and Run". Every time he saw someone drinking water he would shout:

"Don't Drink the Water", it's poisoned!"

He was also rude at school with every hot girls, asking them:

"What's New Pussycat?"

And when he walked into his "favorite" teacher Liliana:

"What's Up, Tiger Lily?"

He ran away as fast as he could before getting into trouble.

And when he played cards with friends and Sam won, he accused him of cheating, and told him:

"Play It Again, Sam"

And Sam would just play it again, cause he assumed he was cheating. How funny!

During the class about sex education, he would just stand up and say to everybody loudly:

"Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)"

Whatever he said, everybody would laugh, even the teachers.

He was a boy from "Manhattan", very much attracted to "Broadway Danny Rose". A friend of his father called Danny Rose introduced him to the world of theaters in Broadway. Woody had too much imagination, and his parents thought he could channel it in the world of theaters, instead of playing silly tricks on people and getting into trouble. Woody will always recall the first day Danny Rose took him to see a play at a theater in Broadway. Since then he calls it, "Broadway Danny Rose".

But Woody couldn't help telling jokes and embarrass people. When an old woman asked him what was his favorite show, Woody told her proudly:

"A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy"

The old woman just pretended she didn't hear the answer; it was just too embarrassing for everybody present.

Over the years he became such a good screenwriter that most of the good "New York Stories" had been written by him. However he said to people that he felt depressed and confused most of the time, that his mind was filled with "Shadows and Fog". He accused "Husbands and wives" to wear masks and fake love.

"Everyone Says I Love You", but they are all faking."

He was also attracted by "Crimes and Misdemeanors". What fascinated him the most was "Manhattan Murder Mystery", cause he liked mystery and he was from Manhattan.

In 1977 he met the woman of his dreams, "Anni Hall". He fantasized about her in his dreams and dubbed her "Mighty Aphrodite". She was "Sweet and Lowdown". She was "Picking Up the Pieces" from his broken and confused mind, and would put it back together in a more logical way. Woody was so in love with her that he bought her "Blue Jasmine" instead of red roses. He was an "Irrational Mind" that had found "Magic in he Moonlight".

He became very romantic and took her "To Rome with Love", then spent "Midnight in Paris" with her, screaming his love at the top of the Eiffel Tower all night long, making a huge scandal. He got expelled from France, and was put in the first flight "Paris Manhattan". He felt miserable on his way back home, feeling like a "Fading Gigolo". He had a "Match Point" with Annie, and he completely blew it.

As he grew older, he became obsessed with "Love and Death". He was also obsessed with sex, the absurdity of life, and God's failure.

"The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you."

You can have sex alone, too, and nobody's going to make fun of you for doing it. It's called masturbation. It seems Woody missed it during the sex education class.

"Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex."

If talk ends up in arguments and misunderstandings as it happens frequently in couples, sex is better. Some lonely souls go to bars to talk (about their sorrow) and find company, then if lucky they leave the bar with someone to have sex with. It's called fooling around.

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Some friend told him to take some burundanga just before dying. So, when he would wake up in paradise (or hell) he wouldn't remind anything that just happened.

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."

Horrible and Miserable. So, now you know what the acronym H&M means. It's the marketing message from the brand. It's how you'll feel when you buy their products.

"The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

If God did us in his own image. There's no questions he is an underachiever.

"So, goodnight Woody. If you dream about birds, don't worry. It's just Woody (Woodpecker) pestering you. Knock, knock!"

 


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