Borderline

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is my story, how one single event changed my whole life. It showes the risk you take when you use the internet as a child with no experience and how bad it can end.

Submitted: June 19, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 19, 2017

A A A

A A A


BORDERLINE

Where the fun ends

 

 

 

To all the girls who might underestimate

how much one bad experiences

can impact your whole life.

 

This is my story, based on actual events.

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 1

 

After an annoying ride home with the bus I finally arrive at my hometown. The conversation I had to hold with this girl was useless as always, but thanks to my previous school I have to pretend that I like my old classmates, that  I like to talk to them about stuff that doesn’t interests anyone. Being social is so exhausting.

 

Anyways, after a five minute walk I turn into our settlement and hope that I won’t see anyone I would have to talk to. Luckily, our house is almost at the beginning of the row, so the chances are low.

But they exist. And of course I meet someone. It’s my neighbours son, Milo. He’s probably about 4 years old, so I don’t have to feel bad for just ignoring him.

 

“Hi Ilean!”

Please not.

He’s staring at me.

“... Hi.” I try to smile at him while searching for my keys.

He still stares, not saying a word.

I turn around. Find your damn keys you fool! Unlock the door, get in, close the door. There you go. I glance out of the window. He’s still there, waiting for something to happen. Well, not my problem anymore.

 

I mean, I probably overreact. He’s just a kid. A stupid, annoying, kid. Milo. What kind of a name is that even? Who on earth gets a kid and thinks “Oh, you look like a Milo!”? That’s right, no one. No one should get named like this, it’s like punishment for you entire life. Have fun being a successful adult man if your name is Milo, who the heck would hire you? They would laugh and ask you for your real name, even think you would be funny for a moment. And then, uh oh, we’re sorry but we can’t offer you a job. Not with that name.

 

During my little rage I made into the living room and switched on the TV. Mom’s already home and prepares dinner. The rest of the day went over quickly, I watched some television, we ate dinner, I played some games on my computer and talked with some friends.

10:30 pm. I should go to bed. Tomorrow is friday, means weekend is near. No need to stay up late, I got to be fit for tomorrow evening. I get myself ready to sleep, lay in my way too comfy bed and close my eyes. Please do not dream.

 

— I’m 16 and at the train station and waiting for him. I know him from Youtube, Maku is his nickname. I have skyped with him before, so I know how he looks like. I just hope he’s as nice as when we talked on the phone.

The train arrives, he reaches from sector A to D. Great, how am I gonna find him?

I stay there and wait until all the people left, since he probably waits where he got out.

There.

Blond hair, awful haircut, glasses. That must be him. He waves at me, so I’m probably right. At least it would be strange if a random person would wave at me for no reason. I walk up to him and we hug. We actually planned how we hug, really corny.

I don’t know why, but we can’t go home. So we go watch a movie, Guardians Of The Galaxy. It was great. We go home and eat dinner with my family. We go up to my room. I don’t know what we did there, but at some point we lay on my bed which is way too small for two. We cuddle. I feel uncomfortable. I try to get out of bed, but he holds me back. In a playful way though. I get up, laughing, and look at him. Then I see it.

He got an erection. What the heck. He says that’s nothing to worry about, that’s just because we cuddled. I don’t understand anything.

Cut

I’ve laid the mattress of my bed on the ground so we both can lay on it. He asks me if he’s allowed to take my shirt off. I’m overwhelmed, don’t know what to say. I say nothing. Look at him with clueless eyes and hope nothing bad is going to happen.

He takes off  my shirt.

“Is everything alright?”

I say nothing. He waits.

“I’m in a state of shock I guess.” I smile at him to signalise everything’s alright.

“Well okay then.”

He starts kissing me on my collarbone. He wents down, between my breasts (I kept the bra on) down to my belly button. He glances at me.

“Still state of shock?”

What is going on? How did I ended up here? What is he doing?

“Yeah.”

“Well I can’t go further, your hand is laying there and blocking the way.”

“On purpose.”

I want him to go. —

 

5:30 am, my alarm goes off. Christ, not again. I hate those dreams. But I got no other option than just forget them.

I prepare myself for work and leave the house. One hour traveling by bus and train incoming. I’ve set my alarm, so I can sleep a bit in the train too. But I don’t want another dream, so I watch the town passing by, slowly we get more into the landscape. I love traveling by train. Headphones on, sun shining in my face, it’s really relaxing.

Except I get flashbacks. I hate them. Of course I thought too much about the dream and now I have to think about what happened back then.

 

 

CHAPTER 2

 

I’m for sure not the only one with a mother who always told me to be careful on the internet. With who I talk to. I always listened to her, I didn’t wanted to test out how far I can get. And still it happened.

 

I was about 14 or 15 years old. Naiv, bullied in school because of my weight and clueless about what kind of people you can meet online. I was at home on my computer, my first own computer that I bought with the money I saved over christmas and my birthday. I was on this new website called “Rooms”, it was basically just a map full of different houses where you could choose a room to live. It got everything, chances to decorate your house, chances to meet other players in public rooms and so on.

The room got names, and one was called “Skype”. I didn’t thought it over, I just joined the room and instantly got a message of another player. He wanted to skype (what a surprise) so I gave him my name. It went really quick.

 

He added me and we started writing.

“Do you got a facecam?”

“Uhm… no?”

“Any pics?”

I had one picture of me and my family when we were in holidays as my profile picture.

“Only my profile pic.”

“Ok.”

He called me.

I waited, then tried to make the first move.

“Hello…?”

“Hi.”

Silence.

“If you want we can have sex over the phone.”

 

Call ended.

My heart was pounding like mad. I went offline, shut down my computer and went to my couch. Laid down. Started crying. I had no idea what to do or how to  react. What is going on, why did he said that?! I can’t tell why I felt so horrible in that moment, it was a combination of total shock and the guiltiest conscience I ever had.

 

Later my mom came home from work, I ran straight down to her to tell her what happened. I cried and was really hysterically. Her reaction was the least thing I could use back then.

“Well, I told you to be careful.”

That’s all she got for me. She gotta be kidding me. This is all you have to say? She smiled at me with that “oh you silly kid”-look. That’s not exactly what I need mom, fucking support me, help me, do SOMETHING!

 

 

 

CHAPTER 3

 

Next Station: Bridge. Great, there we go. Another day full of useless work and no purpose.

 

It’s not like I don’t like to work. I prefer work over school, since I can be productive and don’t just have to listen to a boring teacher. I mean I got only two days of school now, some years ago I was there the whole week. Can you imagine having the same lessons over and over again, doing your homework right after you come home?

I seriously wonder how I achieved to always do my homework. I don’t remember procrastinating the whole evening, I did everything right way. I couldn’t do that anymore. I’m too lazy.

 

What makes it even more impressive for me is, that I hated school back then. Like really, I hated it. I got no friends after my best friend left the school, and from then on lots of people started bullying me for my body. I was very slim, still am, which gave them enough reason to make fun of me all the time. My teacher never said anything, even though I’m sure he noticed it once a while. But I still liked him. Until the event with the skype call.

 

A few days after it I had to write an exam I missed (probably because of illness?). I was alone in the classroom and he wanted to explain me what I have to do, it was geometry.

I didn’t listened. I couldn’t even look at him. I was so scared of him, it felt like there was no more space between us. Well, also half of his face was destroyed caused by an electrical accident, so there wasn’t a good reason to look at him anyway.

And, as expected, I solved the exam the wrong way, since I didn’t knew what to do. Good job to my old, scared self.

 

The rest of the day was the same as always. Work, lunch, work, driving home. Some minutes before my bus arrived, I got a message from my mom.

“Can you please get the bread from the bakery tomorrow? We are at grandmas’ place and will return late.

Love, mom”

Of course I can, I just don’t want to get up early in the morning, just to drive to the bakery by bicycle so I can talk to pissed people who don’t want to work on Saturday mornings. Well, guess what, you chose that job, so that’s not my problem.

 

The evening I got a message from Cultex, a platform for people all over the world to get in contact with each other.

“Hey _sunrise_, you got one new message from Trait0r_77. Click here to read it.”

I click.

Page is loading, Chat appears.

“Hey cute, you wanna friendship with me…..??? I look forward messaging you, BYE?!”

Deleted.

I miss those days when you got serious messages from people who were actually interested in you, sometimes more than it would be healthy. And who were able to write in a proper english. Not this… invention of english and “I don’t need grammar, I got swag”-mixture. Ugh, makes me puke.

 

CHAPTER 4

 

I took a look at the clock. 9:30 pm. It’s way too early, it’s freaking friday, I won’t miss a whole night full of possibilities. I look through my chats. Conversations from a week ago until a year ago. Some deactivated their profile in the meantime. Huh? One blocked me.

 

A guy from Finland, 21 years old, living on how own in an apartment. He had feelings for me which I couldn’t return, the drama was already program.

We have skyped a few times, it always fun to talk with him, even if he was kind of a special guy. Not that I’m normal, but it wasn’t the best combination. Did I actually saved the pics he sent me back then?

I click through the folders.

Hate those paths of thousand folders and in the end you just take another pic to see where it gets saved.

I take another pic.

Found it.

What the… ?

 

No pictures of him, but of another guy. A quite handsome. Well, to be honest, he was pretty hot. I remembered the times we talked on Skype (it was always kinda hard to get to call him, he was always busy with… Don’t ask me, something).

He smoked, I didn’t cared about that, he looked way too good.. Tall, perfect six pack, a tattoo and a charm with which he would have got every women on the freaking planet.

It was an exhausting time I’ve spent with him. We were both interested in each other, that wasn’t the problem. First thing, he lived in another country. No big deal. Second, his continuous absence annoyed me on an unhealthy basis. Last but not least, he had a problem with my problems. Sounds funnier than it was.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you to like sex, because I love sex and need it in my life.”

That was one reason why I held distance to him. And even we weren’t together, he was really jealous. Always checked with who I meet and talk to.

 

He actually made me, after not having contact for a year with him, breaking up with my boyfriend back then. We talked for 20 minutes. Those were enough to get me back the crush I had for him and convincing me to end my relationship.

That was the point where I definitely decided to not ever have contact with him again since I wouldn’t be able to get rid of my crush for him.

 

I should delete the pics.

Since it looked like I won’t get any more productive today, I went to bed.

 

— I’m waiting on the airport, nervous as hell. Where is he?! I call my mom.

“Ilean?”

“Mom, he’s not here, what should I do?!”

“Easy, just wait there. It takes about 15 minutes to get through the control and to find your package. He’ll come, don’t worry.”

“... sigh. Okay, see ya later.”

Okay. Keep calm. Everything’s okay.

Minutes pass, I feel like I’m waiting since hours.

He walks out.

Oh my god. Oh my god, that’s him.

 

He walks up to me, with a big smile, we hug. It’s the guy from Finland. I have no idea what to say.

We arrive at home, lying on my bed.

This feels so surreal.

He leans over to me. His head above mine. He comes closer.

Not yet, mate, what the heck?

 

I stretch out my arm to keep him away from me. At least wait until you ate dinner.

I knew he had feelings for me, but I didn’t.

 

Dinner is over, we’re back in my bed.

He sighs.

I look at him.

Think this through, are you sure?

“... It’s okay.”

“What?”

“You know what.”

He kisses me. —

 

2:47 am. Brain, please! I get up, drink some water. Sit on my bed and look out of the window. Seems like it’s full moon. Explains a lot.

Breath, relax.

 

— We eat dinner.

“So, your dad and I are going to watch a movie tonight, we’ll be home at around 9 pm.”

“... What? Today already?” I stare at her with big eyes.

“Yeah.” She looks enthusiastic.

As it seems our plan was to get my parents out of house so we can “do it”. But it wasn’t planned to be that early.

I’m not ready.

“If you want, we can wait.”

I’m scared, I’m so not ready for this. No, no problem, we have to.”

I keep my eyes closed. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to be here. Just let it be over.

“OUCH! Kill me.

“Did it hurt that bad?”

I start crying. We did it another 6 times. —

 

 

CHAPTER 5

 

10:54 am. Saturday. What a great dream to start the day.

As I got at least enough time to get the bread, I first eat breakfast. Saturday mornings are hell if you’re about to watch TV. I literally never saw something interesting at that time.

I get my bike and drive to the bakery. My memories about this place hit me every time I enter the door.

 

Back in my old school, when it was about finding an apprenticeship, I went here to get an impression of the job. It was horrible.

Getting up at 2:30 am (which seemed to be late for them), the way too intense smell of sweets and bread, I felt like my stomach would leave every second.

After I tried to help getting the croissants done, the boss of the bakery took me to a separate room.

Oh shit, that’s it. He will do it.

I was so scared. Why? It was after the event on skype. I didn’t trusted men, especially if they took me to a single room. He even got the key for it to close it.

He’ll rape me.

 

He tells me to sit down at the table and comes closer.

“Here”, he hands me some papers, “please fill them out.”

He leaves the room.

The papers were about my day, how I found it, what I learned and so on.

Girl… I sighed, relieved and ashamed at the same time.

I was so sure it would happen. What’s wrong with you?

 

Lucky me, the workers there know my whole family, so I actually just have to enter the room, take the bread and pay. Well, mostly I make it to say “Good morning”. Yes, I’m that social.

 

I passed the day with my boyfriend and some friends of him. Cinema, eating, drinking. Normal weekend.

Sunday morning, I slept over at my boyfriends place and drive home. The sun is shining through the clouds, it starts raining. Rainbows start to appear.

I love nature.

 

Next station, Main station.

I’m still looking out of the window, amazed from the raindrops running down to the end of the frame.

“... Ilean?”

I turn around.

Shit.

“... Hi, XY.”

“How are you?” He smiles at me.

Oh come on, fuck off with your wannabe smile.

 

The story between us went not that good. What a surprise, right?

 

I met him online on a dating site, we had two dates. I had the biggest crush on him, I was in love with his eyes. (I’m not kidding, he had the most attractive eyes I have ever seen until this day.)

When it was clear that there won’t be any future for us, I told him to wear his sunglasses so I don’t see them. Yes, it was that extreme.

But it wasn’t clear.

 

The first time we talked, got to know each other, he “kissed” me if you want to call it like that. Well, he kissed me, I just moved my lips in the most awkward way ever. He even found my problem with sex was interesting. Which was still better than any reaction I got before from others.

What was strange was the call he got. It was a girl he explained afterwards, pregnant from a guy who left her. So far so good.

“I didn’t said I’m here with you because that would have made here extremely jealous.”

Okay. That’s strange.

 

My gut feeling didn’t fooled me.

 

The second time we met he told me in clear words that it’s too complicated and I should “forget him”. Funny you.

We sat at the lake on a bench. Now that I knew there won’t be another date, I was in a “fuck it”-mood. I loved his eyes and didn’t wanted to get out of this empty-handed. As it seems, I gave him so kind of signs and we started kissing. I didn’t really realized how it happened, but it didn’t bothered me.

And boy, that was the best, first real kiss I head. Obviously it didn’t really lowered my feelings for him, but I’ve got over him somehow.

 

“... I’m fine, and you?”

I didn’t listened to what he said. I had my headphones still on and just ignored him.

This train will stay here, we ask you to leave the train and wish you a good day.

 

Yeah. As good as saturday started.

CHAPTER 6

 

5:49 am. I overslept, great.

Same story as every day, get up, get ready, leave. My bus arrives, point 6:30 am. I need to call XY.

It rings.

Call canceled. Good boy.

He has trouble getting up in the morning, so I call him to waken him up. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

New message from XY.

“Ty.”

Means he’s up.

 

I arrive at work. Start my computer, start Internet Explorer (not voluntarily though) and wait until the page loaded.

My messanger starts flashing on the toolbar.

“Ty for the call, saved my ass”

“Np”

We write a bit. Not about anything specific. Mostly I rage about life and he comments on it. He knows about probably all my problems, since he’s a great guy to discuss about stuff like that. His mother has also some experience, when not even a job, in that topic. Well, he’s also really interested in kinda everything, so that makes it easier too.

 

He also knows about my problem with sex. I often panic around because I’m scared to lose my boyfriend. Exactly because of my problem. You can probably imagine how the sexual live looks like if one person got some problems with it. Yes, not that interesting.

The funny thing, everybody except myself is convinced it will work out. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be happy as hell if it would. I’m just not the most optimistic person on earth, so it’s hard for me to stay positive about it.

Once I was mad at myself because this single event of my childhood more or less ruined my sexual live completely.

“I mean, it was only a skype call, I didn’t even saw him, why did that hit me so hard?”

“Well think about it, u were a tiny ilean back then, things like those often hit harder when ur a kid than when ur adult”

Yes, he always write like that. He’s the “Grammur King”, but he often listens to me when I have a crisis again, so I can’t really say something about it.

I hear the sound of foot steps, should close the messenger before someone sees my way too private messages at work.

I spend the rest of the day, next to working, with searching for ways to deal with my anxiety. 21minutes before I can leave the messenger flashes again.

“U know what, maybe u got a trauma of it”

A trauma? Never thought about it.

“... Great!”

I go online, maybe the definition can help me out more. I mean sure, I know what a trauma is, but not if it fits on my situation.

 

From Wikipedia:

“Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a severely distressing event. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience.”

 

Well great, so I’m traumatized. Why did it happen back then? Why not now? If I would have called this guy today and he said this one sentence, I would have probably just laughed and stopped the call. As a 14 year old girl I had no knowledge about this topic at all. I didn’t knew what his words meant, but for sure my head took the message a bit too serious. Little drama queen over here.

 

It’s time to leave, I pack my bag and go. I’m more tired than the other days, thanks to my recherches. Have fun this night, I occupied myself the whole day with the same topic. For sure I’ll dream about puppies playing on a rainbow and eating chocolate. Not. (And yes, I know that chocolate isn’t good for dogs, it’s about the picture.)

— “He got a lift by a friend and waits at the bus stop, see you in a few minutes!”

“Okay, but don’t get in the car with them, come right away back home.”

I close the door and walk down the street. I even wear something more suitable for a… Well, let’s just call it a date. I don’t really know what it’s going to be. He’s already waiting. He tells me they wanted to go driving with me, but I’m not allowed to get in the car, so we go back home.

In my room, we sit on my bed. It got bigger.

We start kissing.

Like before, we knew each other from skype. He’s a really strange guy, I don’t know what I like about him.

He starts touching my bra, I say nothing.

This one time, I make an exception, everything is still okay.

He slips with his hand under my bra.

I push him away.

What. The. Fuck.

“... the heck?!”

“Well you know, nipples are way more sensible, you would like it more like that.”

I don’t know how the rest of the day passes. The next morning we sit in the train, he goes home. Hugs me and acts like we spent a great time together.

I hope you die in hell. —

 

 

CHAPTER 7

 

I wake up in the middle of the night, crying.

Take my mobile phone, turn on Wlan, open WhatsApp. Open the chat with XY.

 

“What would you tell a person how she could distact herself from cutting her?

“Well spending time with othere peoples is what i would suggest first. If thats no option  I would tell here to do something he or here likes doing. At best something where u can shot down and just forget the reality for a moment”

(...)

I get more precise.

“ ... Let's pretend the person is me“

“Then i would tell u try to find out why u want to cut ur self”

“It's a mix between "ugh", the urge to do it and that my sensitivity about pain isn't as high as normal”

And my dream, but I won’t talk about this one.

“So its becaus u want to feel ur self ?

“Probably“

“There are many better ways to feel somthing then that way. Just from a objective view”

“Like what? The options aren't that big”

“How serious do i have to take it ?”

“Not too much”

“Puh”

“Don't have the tools to do it anyway. And I'm too stupid to get the blades out of my razor”

“U tried ?”

“Y”

“I just want to say that pain is no good feeling, its not worth it”

 

We talked into the night, I ended up not doing anything. I just hated myself for this dreams, this problem, everything that makes me a freak.

 

The next morning I skype with my boyfriend. I make some drama as always because of the sex topic.

“But what if you get tired of my problem and want to leave me? I mean I could totally understand it, I just don’t want to lose you…”

“I already told you, that’s not going to happen. I love you for what you are, not because of the sex.”

I mean he’s right. I told him even before we got together that I got a problem with it. He said it’s no big deal. And yes, he proved it. Still I’m scared it will change one day.

 

I get up from my computer, the sun reached my window and is now shining in a bright yellow that it almost makes you blind. Birds flying over the trees, cats playing with each other like they would copy the rules of hide and seek.

Such a wonderful day and I am worrying about this shit. I walk up to my mirror, where I can see my whole body.

On my computer I see a new message from my boyfriend, “bad dream again?”.

I look back at myself in the mirror.

 

… Yeah, I wish all those events would just have been dreams.

 

 


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