the inner mind

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Not everyone is a survivor there are times when we need our own hand for help,this short essay was something I had written for those who feel left out and who go through depression.

Submitted: June 20, 2017

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Submitted: June 20, 2017

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"I hate every inch of myself" I always said that to myself. What is depression? where does it come from? Does depression mean you are lonely? How does it differ from sadness? From a teenager we get through a lot when it comes to peer pressure, annoying siblings, arguments with parents and relationships.

I met a girl long back who was different, something about her made me so curious. She wore black always, with no make up ,she had a pale face and she always carried a key chain in the shape of a guitar with her name on it and strangely no key on it.People thought she was probably some wanna be goth who just wants attention,but as I got to know her she was just the opposite. She had the most mysterious and colorful mind ever anyone could understand,and it took a very long time for me to know her. "cutting your wrist off doesn't mean you are depressed or you want to kill your self" she said, "only cowards do that." when you are sad there are plenty of reasons why, it could be a hard day at work, or a fight at home, or even one the silliest reasons. It all starts with war inside, you are first occupied with tormenting thoughts,with questions like "why me?" or "will this ever stop?". Then you surrender yourself to being alone always, you like staring at walls visualizing images on them,then you start crying when no one is around, sometimes you even cry for no particular reason you cry because you want to. There is this hard feeling you have inside this feeling where you want to scream and shout out your lungs, you wander off within yourself, every morning you wish were never born or you could go back and change the hands of time.Going to parties dancing to loud music, drinking would never make me feel better, I would go out yes , but how does that help? We all need that one person to talk and listen to, share about how we feel. But what if there is really no one who is worthy of trust or understanding. There used to be nights where I would lock myself in the bathroom and stare at the mirror trying to understand what went wrong.

Let me tell you , it is only you who can defeat yourself and the things that haunt you. It wont be easy but it will work. Some people say to change how you feel ,you need to socialize and go to a different place, but I have learnt it a different way. I would say socialize with yourself. Wear new clothes take care of yourself first then think about others,treat yourself, buy a journal, write about stuff you would want to talk about, stuff you are going through and maybe even the things you hate. Loneliness is godliness, it opens your heart and mind. I took the dark side of me as a weapon to fight my inner demons. Being different does not mean you are not wanted, it means you are special. To fight depression is to fight the devil. And when there are too many problems you just need to breathe and think about all the best things that happened in your life. My this friend had gone through a lot, she was hurt, back stabbed,betrayed,cheated ,beaten and ultimately was into depression. Her presence at home made her feel useless and not wanted. She would do everything right and give all to get back the love she wanted. But she was ignored and heart broken every time. She came to that extent that she had to give up and always blame herself for it. But wait, all the pain she thought she knew had withered slowly, she began to discover herself she adopted a hidden talent in her that gave her inner peace and happiness. Yes her life was not perfect but she was.

You don't need a lover or a soulmate to help you heal your bruises, because you are a healer yourself. and there are haters, cheaters ,liars and thieves.You don't need to prove to anyone how you are doing because if you've been there your work will show it.


© Copyright 2017 Angela D.S. All rights reserved.