Scientists Find Long-Awaited Cure For Intelligence Epidemic

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A short satire on cellphone usage.

Submitted: June 22, 2017

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Submitted: June 22, 2017



Scientists Find Long-Awaited Cure For Intelligence Epidemic

By Emily Sloan


Knowledge is a rapidly spreading epidemic in our society, ten times more contagious than the common cold. However, scientists have invented a device that will help us combat this intelligence plague, and prevent it from infecting more people. This cure is the cellphone. Due to its small size and ability to connect to the Internet, it allows us to increase our minimum social media intake (eight hours a day will keep the doctor away), and offer much-needed protection from the dangerously high levels of education children are exposed to on a daily basis due to mandatory schooling laws; helping us create a healthy, happy, and haplessly ignorant generation. 

“My daughter used to love reading books, and was diagnosed with a severe case of logic,” says Jane Smith, mother of seven-year-old Brexit (pronounced “Bridget”). “But now she’s too busy posting hundreds of seemingly identical duckface selfies on Instagram to bother reading. It’s a miracle!”

For the first time since the Middle Ages, we’re seeing a rapid drop in both IQ and literacy statistics – both gateways leading to a terminal case of curiosity. No longer do we have to throw our poor, unfortunate, knowledge-ridden intellectuals into quarantine asylums for the rest of their lives. Now, we can simply give them a cellphone and a Facebook account, and the damage is reversed almost immediately.

Finally, the centuries-long war on knowledge has taken a turn for the better. No longer will children be forcibly pushed to their full academic potential; they will instead be free to push the maximum amount of time a person can spend on Twitter without sleeping. No longer will misunderstood adolescents seek out unauthorized book dealers; they’ll go to an Otherkin forum to combat their needs for a learning fix (research shows that one minute on one of those sites and one will lose approximately 147% of your brain cells. That’s right, you’ll grow more just to lose them). No longer will people receive news on current events through reading the newspaper, and will instead turn to Buzzfeed for the things they really care about: gifs of people microwaving their turtles. No longer will we be slaves to knowledge.

At long last, the pursuit of knowledge has come to an end. With this device, we will overcome our animalistic instinct to seek out new things and learn, plunging our society into an abyss of blissful ignorance and cat memes.

Welcome to the Age of Unenlightenment.

© Copyright 2018 Emily Sloan. All rights reserved.

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