Then To Now

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Fragments Of Thoughts
Just another little entry

Submitted: June 22, 2017

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Submitted: June 22, 2017



You. The person that fills my mind when everything else is silent. The one that picked me up when I was flailing in a downwards spiral. The only one who cared enough to ask “what's going on?”. While the others were going about their days as if nothing in the world could ever phase them, YOU were the person who paused for long enough to read between the lines. When it felt like my universe was crumbling around me there was still the one who was standing inside of the walls rebuilding it brick by painful  brick. 

And then one day, you just stopped. The walls were high over my head and the water you had drained from me began to fill once more until it collected in my lungs, slowly drowning me. I look at you and the person I once knew has escaped you and in its place is someone I can't recognize. 

“I'm still here for you.” You say more to feet than my eyes. That's the thing, you won't look at me anymore. It used to be so easy to catch a glance of those eyes that had left me speechless so many times before but now it's rare that they even look in my direction. 

Nothing's changed, he's still there… I tell myself over and over, trying desperately to convince my mind that it's true. 

Even when it was clear that the one I knew was not going to return to me anytime soon, my heart was still so full of him. When he finally broke down to the girl that had replaced me, I was standing on the sidelines. This was not a football game, I was not okay with being an insignificant member of his evergrowing crowd of supporters. No, this was not how our story was supposed to end. 

Still, I let him go. Or at least, I tried to. I told them all that I'd moved on, that there was another. But there wasn't, there couldn't be when I didn't have the closure, the “I don't love you anymore” conversation that was supposed to close the gate. 

So I sat in the empty, hollow hallway. In the exact place where we first talked. When he’d come over to me that day as I read my book silently, trying to everything to discard the memories of him, of US, from my head, it felt like no time had passed. Like we were still the people we had always been. 

He finally looked at me, I mean REALLY looked at me again. He asked how I'd been and if I was seeing anyone new, even though he doubted I was because, realistically, even after we grew apart I knew he’d asked about me. This time, it was me who put the bookmark in my novel and half heartedly put it in my bag. It was me who said that it too late, even as my voice broke before I could finish my thought. 

I knew not to chase him. He had been the cause of my happiest days and the opposite. And though I was unsure if I could ever truly erase him from my life it was time to let him know that there wasn't another girl there waiting for his return. No. Not anymore. 
I was no one’s second choice, not even if I had begun as his first. 

© Copyright 2018 Paige P. All rights reserved.

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