My life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a story about my life i am planning to publish it on the internet and if it's a succes and people support me i might publish it to my friends and teacher and see if they can help me out further. Dont forget to enjoy :D!. Commenting is appreciated but if you don't want to its fine just enjoy the story

Submitted: June 22, 2017

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Submitted: June 22, 2017

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How should i start this… I guess we’ll start at when i first went to high school. The moment everyone makes big changes in their life’s starting my first class i was enjoying it i looked around the classroom and observed the people and wanted to choose wisely with whom i was gonna hang out with. I got into class alone no one from my older school was there (except this one guys that i didn’t like). The groups in the class were quickly made while i was still alone yet i wasn't the only one who was alone so i guess faith chose that friend with whom i still have contact till this day. Let me tell you a bit about my class you had how i like to call them ‘’the rebels’’ those were the kind of guys that would never listen and only do sh*t they wanted to then you have ‘’the girly girls’’ those were the girls that wouldn’t speak to anybody except for the “high class” people. Then you had ‘’the girls’’ those were the normal girls that didn’t mind who you are how you look like or where you from. And last but not least you had us (me and my friend) it was kinda lonely i know but we felt comfortable at least that is what i thought. Half way through the year i felt happy and nothing was weird i even had a crush on a teacher for a while but the teacher left the school for another job. It was my math teacher that was kinda funny. My mentor was kinda useless he always just shouted and never really helped someone, he even shared personal information with the class. i did feel lonely when i was at home but it didn’t really bother me yet, to be honest it felt peaceful so i wanted to keep things like that. Until ‘’the rebels’’ fell apart one of them had stolen a bike on school and got suspended. The other 3 members of ‘’the rebels’’ (i don’t know why) started hanging out with me but they started behaving normal. So i hang out with them i had a great time. first year passed everything seemed good i passed the year and went to my second year. Half the class didn’t pass and half did. Most things stayed the same.my second year was quite normal like every student i was struggling with my notes and did my best on school. The class changed a bit since people left and people came. I don’t know if you noticed but i am quite picky and timid.  At this part i had a friend group made of 4 me and the 3 ‘’ex rebels’’. The ‘’ex rebels weren’t timid at all and let the newcomers feel home very fast. There was this one guy that we invited to our group we’ll call him Jacob. This guy was really nice only i don’t know what it was but i had a hating feeling towards him (guess because i had the feeling he was stealing my friend).

That is where it started going wrong with me, i became someone i didn’t want to be yet i did. I was doing okay on school and was really mean to Jacob my friends liked it and ditched him but thank god he came with his other friend to this class and that friend stayed with him. So the year passed on and the guys asked me why are you disliking me there i stood with a red face and nothing to say. I was so red i had to come up with something so i said ‘’i find you arrogant’’ with a lot of confidence. ‘’Oh’’ he responded ‘’i am sorry’’. I felt so bad but didn’t show it. Eventually he came in the group and we were friends for the rest of the year we all passed and got to the third class (where things went terribly wrong with me). Let's just start it off at the beginning. I had a new mentor to be specific 2 new mentors 1 women and 1 men. The women was also my math teacher  that i pretty much disliked. She was and still is pretty bad at giving math, and then we have the man let’s call him Edward who also gave me physics. I kinda felt like Edward could be my best friend he was in his 20’s and i am like 15 (from here on i’ll continue with the present form) I created a bound with him. Me and my friend group were really well friended and we all liked each other till (don’t ask me why) i felt like i didn’t fit in the group so i had a fight with ‘’the group leader (not really a leader)’’. I continued the year with Jacob whom i really hated in second class. I know weird huh how thing could go, i started having trust issues and also wasn’t really my self. At least that was till i became best friends with Jacob. Funny enough this world is small and my mentor/physics teacher live next door. Let’s continue so i became best friends with the person i hated most in the second class i guess and also that friend who i ditched in first class. We were a group of 3 at this moment. Jacob had a girlfriend so it actually ended up just me and the dude from the first class. I started isolating me from everyone and everybody. I don’t know what it was but i started feeling depressed.the first half of the third class i was hiding it (i’ve always felt suicidal) only revealing my smile to the world. My mentor Edward was really nice to me i was always happy to be in the class with him. And school was fun but when i came home the problems started, i hear yelling and screaming my parents were fighting it was so bad they were thinking about divorcing it was a dark time. I followed classes but also called me in sick so many times for school. Depression, sleep shortage it all played a role in it. But in school i never showed my depressed side i didn’t want to bother people with my feelings. Jacob really changed my life he made me who i once were he would always correct me when doing something wrong it’s all you can ask in a friend. So my depression played a big role it led to self harm. It all started me just trying it out i felt relieved after doing it but i didn’t continue doing it. slowly i started hanging out with the whole class but felt like they didn’t really like me at all what just caused me more grief and pain. Like you already read Jacob and Edward had the biggest impacts on my life. My grades were dragging me down and i haven’t even started about my brother whose grades were even lower what caused more and more chaos home. My parents settled down and didn’t divorce after all they sometimes have a fight but then see us and talk it out. I started having mental breakdowns where i just cried rivers in my room hiding it from everyone just to not let them know. In class i hid my depression behind my happy smiley face no one noticed. Edward started being a pain and dragging me down started to feel to comfortable being near him so i set up distance. After (not really but kinda) ignoring him for a few weeks he noticed. Calling out to me a few times asking are you mad or just tired, and said things like are you mad at me which on my turn i answered with no i am not mad at you it’s all fine(hoping that he would try to pull something out of me but he didn’t). Eventually it all started being too much i started self harming again i have some scars on my left hand i burned myself on purpose with a hot spoon and i cut several times. Jacob slowly took distance because he had a girlfriend what is understandable. So i was kinda alone which killed me at that time. Edward noticed something wrong, he called me and we went on a 1 on 1 conversation where i told him what bothered me about him (didn’t tell him the whole depression story) which he just made worse and kinda helped me out at the same time. He told me you are isolating yourself from everyone who said something and you took way to personal. That isolation will kill you eventually(he didn’t mean literally kill a well you understand don’t you he didn’t know about my thoughts and feelings). He was completely right i felt that i was isolating myself from anyone and not reaching out to anyone because i didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I felt the worst i have ever felt It 12 o’clock and i still had 4 hours of school, i couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I ditched school went home cried it out.. i cried so much that day which is today 22th of june 2017. I grabbed a little knife and started self harming i made one big cut on my leg not for attention(exactly why i did it on my upper leg so no one can see it) but so i could engrave this day on my body. The pain i felt was too much to handle i made more little cuts and cried. Tried sleeping and numbing myself from life (with sleep) didn’t work nothing seemed to help. I felt suicidal but hey i am writing this that means i didn’t suicide yet, but i keep having these thoughts of no one cares about me will they acknowledge my pain after i am dead. Should i make them regret it and keep living on. Now i am typing this out trying to figure my life out this was a short summary of my life TIPS ARE WELCOME!!!!

 


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