it wasn't her

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
I was sitting in inpatient while writing this short story. it holds so many vulnerable thoughts and memories. it's a story of a girl who's had a hard life.

*warning : some content might be triggering*

Submitted: June 24, 2017

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Submitted: June 24, 2017



She was only 18 , she has the whole world ahead of her. There's so many : opportunities , jobs , friends , varieties of food , vacation spots , Cars , and so much more that the world could offer her and the only thing she cared about - was not being alive. I want to take you back in a time warp so you can get the gist of what it's like to walk in her shoes ; when she was growing up , to this present day of 2017.

1999. The most regretful day of her life , she couldn't tell at that very second (because she was just a fetus) but she can tell now , 18 years later. Let's jump right in , like you do at the pool when you know the water is just so cold but you have to just get it over with to be at a nice comfortable temperature with yourself. 
When she was just born , she was immediately adopted into another family because her mom wasn't physically or mentally able to take care of her and her other 7 siblings. So , the best option was to give her a better life than what she could have had. 2000. Just 1 years old, not really knowing what's going on, she's just being a baby. There's nothing interesting that happens until 5 years later , so let's just skip ahead. 2005. Her mom took guardianship over this boy , little did her mom know he'd end up sexually molesting her and bringing his friends to “join the fun”. There's so many questions I have for her. Why didn't she say something ? How did her mom not know? What made him choose specifically her? Well , I'll tell you why. She didn't say anything because she was afraid of the repercussions. She knew how much her mom loved her ‘Baby Boy’ and the truth would only destroy her. I still don't know how her mom didn't know. Considering one of the events happened under her bed, with her in the room. And the last question remains unanswered. A mystery. There were so many events in her life that happened, that I would like to share ,but we don't have much room to tell each and every story about what he, his brothers and his friends did to her. Besides , who wants to know anyways? 
She was a ballerina , tap dancer , a little gymnast (before she even knew) and a wild child. Always teaching herself how to do cartwheels and handstands. Then she'd always want to be up and running around causing , what my grandma would call , a raucous. She was an extremely active child , I don't think she ever wanted to just sit down and relax. One thing she wasn't much of , was a talker. She was always so quiet. Kept to herself. I know - she was in all these sports and didn't talk ? What a weirdo. But it wasn't like she never did , I guess she just didn't really like to unless she had to. She was in elementary school , I don't think she ever liked school from the beginning. She never was a straight A student. There were always a couple Ds and Fs thrown in the picture. She was bullied a lot , for her skin color and just because she was Kiki. I bet you were dying to know what this girls’ name was by now. Or maybe it was too obvious from the beginning of the story. You wouldn't have known though,  unless you knew her. That was pretty much her elementary school experiences , not much to it. Where all the drama starts is junior high. So let us skip ahead , once more , to 2011. 2011. 6th grade , puberty , making new friends , hoping for a fresh start. But what she hadn't realized was that all the people that were bullying her, would follow her to middle school too. She always had an easy time making friends but a difficult time making them stay. 
2012. 7th grade. I think by this point Kiki has had enough of everyone's shit. She started self harming. What did that solve ? Nothing but pain and unnecessary scars. But she didn't think of it that way, she thought of it as a release , an escape. Not sure from what but she did. She hated middle school , she just wanted it to be done and over with so she can move on to high school to do bigger and better things with her life and she knew once high school started most of the people who were bullying her , won't be going to the same high school as her. And that gave her a huge feeling of relief. 2013. 8th grade , was the best grade for her mentally just because high school was right around the corner. Still didn't have perfect grades, still didn't have perfect friends , but the friends she did have were good influences for her. To sum up her 8th grade I'd use the word , chaotic. 2014. Freshman year. She was so excited to finally be in high school she would have done anything to fit in with the people around her. She finally met a group of friends that she had a feeling would stay awhile. 4 years , awhile. Hah , was she wrong. But we'll get to that later. Her freshman year started off ok. Until she started dabbling with drugs and alcohol. Her new “friends” we're doing it so she did it too. She hid it from her mom for a long time , before she ended up finding out. First it was marijuana , then she started snorting Adderall and that caused her to have a mental break down during school and telling her friend about it and how she didn't feel like she should have a life anymore. After her email got ‘Flagged for content’ that's when she started to get scared. She thought she would have to rat all her friends out and herself. Which she did , but thank god all her friends worried about was her safety and if she was ok. WRONG. She lost her best friend for a good 7 months. This was a really hard time in her life. She had a best friend ; a good one and then she just went away. Her freshman year started off good and ended in a whirlpool. She met this social worker named Ms.Faye. She didn't like her at first, when she looked at her all she thought was “who the fuck does this bitch think she is” invading her life and trying to get her to say things she doesn't want to say. After awhile of getting to know her , her perspective changed in almost a week. You can never judge a book by it's cover. Because now , she's one of the most important people in her life. She'd do anything to keep her happy and smiling.
 2015. Sophomore year. Sophomore year was the most uneventful year of her whole life. She had friends and her grades were doing ok. She was neutral. Content with where she was in her life. 
2016. Junior year, all hell broke loose. All the demons broke out of their cage. Hell might have have even froze over. So much chaos , drama and important tests she needs to take and WOW. Just thinking about it made her so stressed. This was where her depression kicked in before she even knew it. She never wanted to get up , never wanted to eat , never wanted to go out , nothing. All she wanted to do was just lay in her bed and sleep. She started talking back to her parents and never doing what they asked but always expect to be rewarded. I think she was just so lost and confused on what to do with her life. She had so many expectations being thrown at her she felt like a human punching bag by the end of the day. I don't think she knew how to control herself , her emotions, her actions.. She just didn't know. 
2017. Her senior year. I know I've said this before but , the most mortifyingly chaotic , disruptive , most grossest , depressing , anxiety filled year of her life. Ok, maybe I'm being a little dramatic - mmm, no I'm not. Definitely is all of those things. Ms. Faye and Kiki had such a close relationship at this point she felt like she could almost tell her anything. Except the important things and things that made her uncomfortable to talk about. So, let me rephrase that. She felt like she can tell her the things she wants to hear and not what she should be hearing. That ended up being a huge problem. But Ms.Faye knew Kiki better then Kiki knew Kiki. She knew she was depressed and wasn't mentally ok, but she never thought it would have gotten to this point. Hospitalization. And neither did Kiki. It all started when she got called down to Ms.Fayes office. As a coping skill , Kiki wrote poems and journals and never shared them with anyone but close friends she knew wouldn't tell. But she made a mistake and thought she could trust Ms.Faye not to tell and keep things between us. Because she did that. Sometimes. But not this time. She was comfortable enough to show her because she wanted to know how she thought of it, she wanted her professional opinion. Well , I'll tell you what her professional opinion was “this girl is about to kill herself” “this is a suicide note” . Kiki was in so much shock at this point, she didn't know what to even say besides “no it's not”. She couldn't sit there and defend herself from her own poem, that she claims ,wasn't a suicide note. 3 minutes after Ms. Faye left to get another professional opinion from another counselor , there were so many thoughts racing through her head and so many voices she didn't know which one to even listen to. She couldn’t even listen to her own at that point. But something came over her and told her to go to the art room. Ms. Faye was trying to block her from leaving but she said she had to go to the bathroom - lie. Even though there was a bathroom literally right next to her in that hallway. She claimed she “didn't like” using staff bathrooms. But she went around her and ran out the door. The girls bathroom was closed even. She heard the door open behind her and that's when she ran. She wasn't even thinking at that point. She made it. The art room. It was unlocked , as she hoped for. But she knew there was a good chance it wouldn't be open because there were dangerous tools in there. She opened the door, sat on the floor and began to think. “I'm gonna kill myself “ , “this is it” , “I want to die”. She was looking around the room to try and find something that would take her life. Then something clicked in her mind from before that Ms.Pach(her art teacher) has said before. “This is an exacto knife , very sharp, you can seriously hurt yourself with one of these so be careful using this please”. I started to look for them , and she couldn't find them. But then there they were. The little white styrofoam cup with about 15 exacto knives in there. She picked the sharpest one and then went in the dark room, because she knew no one would find her there for awhile so there's a good chance she could have bled out and died. She paced and thought for about 10 minutes before making the decision to take that knife and cut herself. Same spot. 10,12,13 times later. She saw a tendon. There was a lot of blood at this point. She wasn't feeling nauseous , dizzy, or tired. She just felt fine. So she did it 3 more times , laid on the floor, and closed her eyes. She might have even passed out at this point for 5 minutes. She then woke up , saw what she did to herself and started to panic because she wasn't dead. She did it again. She tried hitting the artery and nothing happened, no matter how hard she tried. She finally gave up. She immediately face timed her sister in law and told her what she did she was talking to her for a good 4 minutes before she told her to hang up and go get help. She knew people were looking for her at this point. It was 6:15pm when she got caught by the cops and her dad that were looking for her. The cops asked to look at her arm and she hadn't seen it in the light yet. When she did she was surprised that she didn't bleed out. They took her in an ambulance , took her to Northwest Community Hospital , stitched her back up and took her over to KB3N(orth). The Adolescent Mental Health Unit. 3rd floor. She then started contemplating her life all over again and decided to rip out her stitches. No one found out until a day later when they went to change her bandage and found that there were no stitches in her arm. They then called an ambulance to take her back to the hospital to try and get her arm stitches back up again but at this point in time , it was too late. They had to keep it open and risk infection and possible amputation. They put her on antibiotics to prevent that from happening. Of course she refused at first but then she got reality thrown in her face and decided to just start taking them. She's been in KB3N for 10 days now. Today is Thursday April, 20th. 10:18am.  She's sitting in the school room , writing a “short story” for Creative Writing class. Telling her story. Even though it's not short. Kiki never expected this to come , she never thought she'd actually try to kill herself. Even to this day she still has no idea.

I don't think I ever introduced myself properly. I'm Kiara Vergan. I'm 18 years old and I'm here for Suicidal thoughts , Suicide Attempt , Depression and Anxiety. While I'm here I'd like to work on my Compulsiveness , impulsivity and thinking before I talk. I'd also like to work on managing my emotions and self control.

© Copyright 2018 KikiV. All rights reserved.

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