This is a letter to my ex and myself. For anyone who has been in a relationship where they are constantly cheated on and put down we always ask ourselves why. Why did we go threw that? Why did we stay. This is my answer. What's yours.


Am I in love with you or am I just used to you? That's a serious question I have to ask. I feel like your not there for me but your here because of our history. The time and tears we put in to build this relationship. Now look we are now. No trust but of denial. When I look in your eyes I see lies. Hidden truths. That what your telling me is not as truthful as you say. You don't lift me up anymore. I don't smile as much. My heart doesn't flutter when I get a message from you. When you don't talk to me for weeks I don't worry. In fact those days without you be the best than when I am with you. So it goes to question why do I stay. If I'm really not as happy with you as I feel why do I stay? To feel repulse when talking to you. Hate and hurt when I hear your voice. Abandonment when you say I love you. I really don't know why I stay. Is it because I love you? But when I say that I don't feel as if I do. I do have love for you. A lot of love. But I don't think I'm in love with you. I don't feel like I truly love you when I say it back. It's like an automatic message. From the first time I told you I loved you, to now when I get off the phone with you. A message  I'm supposed to keep telling you. But the emotion and feelings are not there. A hollow message. Animatronic. When did this happen? How long have I felt this way? I truly don't know. Maybe it was when you told me about that other girl. Or messages between you and your ex to fix you guys relationship. A relationship that doesn't need to be fixed because your in a relationship with me. Maybe it was when I got tired of hearing about all your other bitches. Hearing the gossip but ignoring it. Why is it that when someone tells us something we try so hard not to believe it? Even when there are signs and evidence in our face we still deny? Is that why I stayed? Maybe? No. I stayed because I was afraid. I left you belittle me. You put me down to a pulp. Made me believe that no one would want me except for you. That I would never find a love like you. Quite frankly I don't ever want a love or anyone to remind me of you. You love me but yet you start denying me. Because there's someone else. Your a coward. I'm not gonna lie, you broke me. To hear words from a person who loves you but doesn't want the best for you. Telling them your goals, dreams, aspirations and accomplishments but downplay you. How you short yourself because you want to build a future with them. But they distance you more. The better your life gets the more they become a succubus. Stealing all your joy. Starting arguments and putting you down lowering your self esteem. Turn your accomplishments into a slander against them. How getting your dream job or finishing your diploma is pushing you guys apart. How your doing these things to show you don't wanna be together. So what do you do? You stay. Put your life on hold. Your dreams on hold for someone who doesn't even respect you guys relationship. You think and somewhat hope that this is what's best for your relationship. That your the cause. By doing this your relationship will get better. And it doesn't. So you work harder but it still doesn't change. Then you have anger and resentment. You do all this for a relationship that was built on cheating and now look at you. Look in the mirror and look what you let this person do to you. You let them break you. You let them step out on you and your relationship and took them back, break your self esteem, your ambition, and your mind. Who are you? What happened to you? Stained pillow sheets and tissue boxes are your best comfort. Is this what you want for yourself? Is this how you saw your life? No. So why won't you let go? You know there's someone else. You hear the pause and stutter in there voice when you ask. Your womanly intuition is telling you. And then there's the admirers. Those people who make you feel good and then bad that you do. Bad that you have those thoughts that turn into an act of a kiss. Did I cheat? Not as much as you did! Not if they kissed me. Well maybe because I liked it. I thought of it again. A thought that made me see this relationship for what it is. I'm not happy. Neither are you. But I stay. Because no one will want me like you do. The thought of being single and trying to find someone scares you. So what will be the last straw? Today. I let you create another relationship and still denied it while you carried me. Not again. This redundancy of lying,cheating, emotional and verbal abuse is over. There's no more chances. No future were we may be together. No hope of Us. Their is no us. You didn't want me. You wasn't afraid to lose me. Why? Why won't their be an us? You lost me. Replaced me. All when you humiliated me. I gave you ride or die and you gave me games. I won't let you guilt me to being with you. There is no me and you. There haven't been for years. I just never left. Why? That's a question I gotta ask myself. Why did I go through a redundancy of cheating and lying? Maybe love. But I don't feel that's what it is. It's not love.  I don't love you. The empowering feeling I got from saying that almost moves me too tears. I've been lying to myself for years to convince myself on a belief I knew deep down was not true. I did love you. Past tense. I don't love you anymore. I truly stayed because I was afraid. Your words got to me. I won't lie about that. I believed I was ugly. That no one would want me. That I should stay with you because who would wanna put up with a girl with trust issues, emotional trauma, and self esteem issues. No one. But even if no one wants me, if I found no one, if I was too live the rest of my days single then so be it. I want me. I love me. This redundancy of "love" built on lying and cheating is over. 


Submitted: June 27, 2017

© Copyright 2022 Miheema Goodine. All rights reserved.

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