Shall I Trust You?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Follow up to Crazed. I finally got the other half of the story. I refuse to say who I believe. I only wrote off the emotions of the story teller, not on my own.

Who to trust? Who to tell? Will you listen to me without judgment? Or am I better off staying bundled, hoping that I don't spill apart?

Submitted: June 27, 2017

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Submitted: June 27, 2017

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Shall I Trust You?

Or shall I trust no one

But myself

And the secrets

That I lie beside

 

Will you listen?

Or will you judge me?

Am I better off

Staying tightly wound

Hoping I don’t crack

At the seams

 

She thought I was a cheater

A liar

A player

Crazy

Demanding explanations

Untrusting

 

But one-sided stories

Are only true

When the other half

Is dead

 

And I

Am very much alive

 

Within every lie

Some truth remains

 

I only wanted

Someone to text

Cuddle with

Late night excursions

 

Our own little secret love

Not even the friend

I didn’t really ask for

He didn’t even know

 

Felt like I was lying to him

Stealing his crush

Even if

He never had a chance

 

But nice things don’t last

And nice guys don’t finish

They’re manipulated

Tortured

Strung through the desire

Of love

She was playing games.

Me? Just another piece

On her chess board.

Checkmate

 

There is no end game

Not for her

I was just lucky enough

To catch on

 

Some like it

The manipulation

I don’t do

That sadistic shit

 

I want

No games

Just honesty

Truth

Maybe love will come

 

Our secret

Stayed secret

Told one person

In another state

She flipped shit

 

Why were we hiding?

Something wrong?

Felt like a hidden gem

In her wallet

 

Always thought of

Cherished

But never shown

 

I was fucking

Tired

Of being a prop

Where was the love

I needed

I deserved?

 

Who to talk to?

Who to tell?

 

That friend?

Fuck that

He was one

Who approached

With arms wide open

He listened, cared

And then….

Everything was about him

His ego

His life

His lies

 

Who to trust

Who to tell

 

Already dreaded the mundane job

Didn’t want to fear it

A constant battlefield of landmines

Who knew my issues

And who would blab to the world

It was life’s version

Of emotional tug of war

 

Toxic relationship

But I loved the why

I don’t know why

I lock myself here

 

I can really only

blame myself

For my hurting

My own heart

 

She kept that friend close

Never told him no

His crush became

An obsession

 

A hore for attention

Kept everyone near

Close enough to see

But not to really connect

‘All on eyes on me’

Kinda gal

Understatement

 

Didn’t trust her.

All aboard the sinking ship

And still…

 

Who to trust?

Who to tell?

 

Work piled up

Business was tiring

And the panic attacks

Were back

And so was the fear that came with them

My life derailing

Losing control

The moment of no return

Dangling in front of me

 

I didn’t want the sympathy

The looks that came

With the pity

The shame

The ‘why can’t you deal’

 

Didn’t have time for this shit

Didn’t have time for her

 

Ended things – abrupt

Could have been smoother

Not thinking straight

Or had my subconscious

Saved me from

A losing game?

 

I knew all about her

Her family issues

Her wants

Desires

The game that she played

That I wanted no part of

 

But I didn’t want to share

My secrets

With her

 

She was just someone to spend time with

To waste time

To fuck with

 

Hindsight

I didn’t share my problems

Not because I couldn’t

I didn’t want her to know

 

Not ashamed

Or afraid of the look

The pity

The worry

 

Didn’t want her to know

Because she’d laugh

In my face

Use it against me

Manipulate my bruised

Heart

 

There’d be this weapon

And I’d have placed

It in her hands

 

And for what?

To feel loved?

 

I needed someone who

Would understand

Who loved me

For my imperfections

 

Just another person

With problems

Desires

Dreams

Hardships

A life to live

 

And yet

She only saw herself

 

Maybe I was still secretly waiting for a call, text,

Poke on fbook

Maybe playing the game

Was a guilty pleasure

 

At what cost?

 

Like a forbidden fruit

I just couldn’t get enough of

 

Maybe it was time

Give her a taste of her own medicine

To let her feel

Manipulated

Used

Chewed out

Ignored

Brokenhearted

Accused

Alone

Chained to a losing game

 

But what would that make me?

 

And yet, it still came down

To the same problem

 

Who to tell

Who to trust

Or should I just rot with these secrets inside

 


© Copyright 2017 D. Nic. All rights reserved.

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