The Donahues Episode 267

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Jacob discovers the plight of the common Townie while working at Shinebox pizza, and elects to try to avoid its entrapments. Ryan is amazed to see his former bandmates, now in a band called “Hallway Depravity”, performing on a Japanese talk show. He seeks to form his own band to combat them. Mayor Satch announces his intention to pursue Hansbay’s bid for the 2032 Summer Olympics. Ethan and former Mayor Alexander collaborate to thwart this ambition.

Submitted: June 29, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 29, 2017









“Nobody wants to hear the 12-bar blues, from a guy in platform shoes”

  • John Darnielle


(We start with Mayor Satch sitting behind his desk as a camera crew sets up in front of him. Conan is standing by)


CONAN: Mr. Mayor, it’s very unusual for a sitting Mayor to address the city directly on television.


MAYOR SATCH: If the President can do it, I can do it.


CONAN: Your approval rating is 45%, Mr. Mayor, and you’re about to pre-empt Criminal Minds, which will lose you the 52-year old single mom vote.


(Mayor Satch turns towards Conan)


MAYOR SATCH: This is about Hansbay Pride! You got that? I’m chock full of it. So much, I got this tattoo on my ankle- (Mayor Satch puts his foot on his desk, lifts up his pant cuff, revealing a tattoo reading “Hanbay Pride”) You see that?


CONAN: Sir, that says “Hanbay Pride”.


(Mayor Satch looks at it)


MAYOR SATCH: Ah, shoot. I was going to show the voters this. Oh, well. (Mayor Satch sits down) I can still show my Hansbay tramp stamp, I guess.


CONAN: Please don’t do that. Just give the speech you wrote.


MAYOR SATCH: Fine. When are we live?


CAMERA MAN: Three, two- GO!


(Mayor Satch faces the camera)


MAYOR SATCH: Greetings, people of our fairy city. I mean to say “fair city”, but I know we have some tinker bells out there just wanting to believe again!


(Mayor Satch chuckles)

CONAN: Oh, Christ.


MAYOR SATCH: Flap your wings, Tinkerbells!

CONAN: Move on.


MAYOR SATCH: Anywho, as you all may know, I had many disagreements with the Republican government under Mayor Sarandon. But nearly two years after his tragic suicide, I am reminded of one thing we actually agreed on. The Summer Olympics should be held in Hansbay! Finalists have already been chosen for the 2024 and 2028 games, but I am going to take this opportunity to propose to Chairman Edelman and the City Council, that we bid for the 2032 Olympic Games! This is about Hansbay Pride, people, if we don’t believe that our city can handle millions of tourists and the construction of a giant stadium within fifteen years’ time, then what do we believe we CAN do? (Mayor Satch holds up a sock puppet with googly eyes super glued to it) “Damn straight!” (Satch puts the sock puppet down) Thank you, Rigmarole the patriotic sock puppet. He loves our city. And so should the City Council. The International Olympic Committee meeting is in September. So, I say- (Mayor Satch puts a white hat on that says “HANSBAY 2032” and has the Olympic Logo underneath it) let’s bring it on!


CONAN: Oh, God, that’s copyrighted.


CAMERAMAN: We’re clear.


(Mayor Satch turns to Conan)


MAYOR SATCH: How’d I do?


CONAN: We’re gonna get sued for using that logo, sir.


MAYOR SATCH: You didn’t answer my question.


(Cut to Councilman Sloane standing up on the dais during a city council meeting, holding a microphone)


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: Would the right honorable gentleman from Conrad Heights care to explain how we can fit millions of people into this city, much less afford to house them, feed them, and clothe them? Or is this his back-door way of sneaking Syrian refugees into our small town?!


(Councilwoman Cusick mumbles in agreement)




(Ethan stands up and picks up his microphone)


ETHAN: Perhaps you can explain it to ME, because from what I remember from your first marriage, you snuck PLENTY of people through the back-door of YOUR house. (Graves and Edelman laugh and cheer in agreement, as Sloane casts his hand forward) If we follow our Mayor’s directive to INVEST in our city to get the infrastructure it needed for the 2032 Olympics, we could garner mass revenue from tourism! It’s so simple, I thought even a small-minded alt-right troll like yourself might comprehend it!


(Graves and Edelman groan in agreement, and Sloane and Cusick boo)




(Sloane stands up)


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: May I inquire of the right honorable gentleman as to WHY he’s suddenly changed his mind on the issue?! It was the worst kept secret in Hansbay that you actively undermined Mayor Sarandon’s proposals for the 2024 and 2028 Olympics. Or did all that Russian Vodka give you amnesia?


(Cusick cheers as Sloane sits down. Donahue stands up)


ETHAN: Maybe the right honorable gentleman himself forgets, I’ve changed my residence, my party and my marital status in the last three years, I don’t think my change on this issue is all that surprising.


(Ethan sits down, and Edelman and Graves cheer and laugh)




(Sloane stands up)


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: I think the right honorable gentleman has made my point FOR me.


(Sloane sits down as Cusick cheers)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: The time on both sides has expired, all in favor of preceding to a vote on this matter on Tuesday, June 27th at noon?






CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Without objection, the vote will be held in six days’ time. The City Council is adjourned.


(Chairman Edelman slams his gavel. Cut to Ethan walking out of the meeting chamber and down the hallway of City Hall. He looks into the camera)


ETHAN: You didn’t really think I support such an asinine idea, do you? No, this is all a ploy to keep the Mayor happy while I work to squash this thing like a bug under my feet. If you keep the King happy, he won’t notice that you’re slowly poisoning him. And once he does, it’ll be too late.


(Cut to Ethan walking into his apartment to see Jon Ossoff speaking on TV, after his defeat in the Georgia Special Election)


JON OSSOFF: A few moments ago, my friends, I called Secretary Handel, and- (People start groaning) no, please! (Pause, as the crowd calms down) I commended her on a hard-fought race.


(Ethan looks behind him into the camera)


ETHAN: Some people just don’t know how to win. Although I think it may have been his constant Barack Obama impression that did him in.


(Ethan sits down on his couch. We cut to Ryan sitting in a chair in a big classroom, holding an electric guitar. People around him are practicing, with the help of instructors. Ryan is toying with a couple of chords, when an instructor comes over)


INSTRUCTOR: You need help, Ryan?


RYAN: More than you know.




RYAN: Oh. Don’t-don’t be too confused, it was just a joke.


INSTRUCTOR: Hold on, son.


(The instructor pulls out a Japanese-English dictionary. Ryan sighs. Cut to Ryan lying on the couch in Sweatshirt’s apartment. Sarah is sitting in a nearby chair eating a candy bar)


RYAN: I just don’t feel like I’m getting much out of this music program.


SARAH: It’s one of the most respected music schools in the country.


RYAN: The language barrier makes it really frustrating. Is that racist?


SARAH: No. Not yet, anyway. Just tread carefully.


RYAN: I don’t know. It’s just boring me, to be honest.


SARAH: It’s the whole reason you’re here, Ryan!

RYAN: Yeah, why else would I want to spend the summer in Japan with my girlfriend?


(Tracy walks in)


TRACY: I have no idea, for real. Sweatshirt’s been in his room playing Minecraft since yesterday morning.


RYAN: At least he’s interested in what he’s doing!

TRACY: Well, he’s not obnoxious enough to make money off of playing Minecraft, so I just want him to find a new job already.


SARAH: Speaking of which, what are you gonna do for money now that you’re out of the drug game?


RYAN: I’ll get that all figured out. (Cut to an apartment door opening to reveal Ryan standing there. Ryan holds up a Chinese take-out container) Delivery.


(Reverse shot to reveal Ryan is talking to a Japanese twenty-something man)


JAPANESE MAN: Ohhh, thank you! Thank you, sir! May I smell?


RYAN: Sure.


(The man smells the box and nods)


JAPANESE MAN: This has uh…”soy sauce”, right? (Ryan squints, and the Japanese man widens his eyes and smiles. Ryan widen his eyes and smiles too, but, still looks confused. They both start nodding) Good.


RYAN: Yep. We understand each other.


(The Japanese man hands Ryan some yen, which he puts in his pocket and then hands him the take-out)


JAPANESE MAN: Do you happen to sell fried rice?


RYAN: Whoa, for real? Damn, dude, are you looking to die?


(Cut to Ryan walking up to another apartment door. He knocks on it. A middle-aged Japanese woman opens the door)




(Ryan holds up a container of take-out)


RYAN: Delivery.


JAPANESE WOMAN: Oh, of course. Let me get money. Come in.


(The Japanese woman walks away, and Ryan walks in to see what’s playing on her TV. She goes into her bedroom, and Ryan watches her TV. It’s a Japanese talk show, hosted by a man named Haruki Mioto who is sitting on an orange chair on a colorful set)


HARUKI: ??????? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????(Haruki holds up a KFC gift card, and then puts it away) ??????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????Hallway Depravity???????


(SUBTITLES: Welcome back! During the commercial break, a part of the audience caught on fire, but one of our brave contestants put it out! That brave person has won a gift certificate to Kentucky Fried Chicken! But moving away from our state-required game show portion, we now have a special guest. Please welcome, a metal band from the United States of America, Hallway Depravity!)


(Ryan’s eyes widen)


RYAN: Huhh!??!


(Oleander, Michael, Alec and Tara walk on set and sit in four separate chairs. There are Japanese subtitles for the English language interaction that ensues)


HARUKI: Thank you so much for coming on, Hallway Depravity.


MICHAEL: Thank you, Haruki. As the frontman of this band, I feel I speak for everyone when I say we have a ton of respect for Japan and its culture.



HARUKI: Thank you. Now, you men have experienced a name and line-up change recently, correct?


MICHAEL: No, Depraved Hallway Fern was a separate band. And to be honest with you, Haruki, it’s better off in the past. We’re ready to smash everyone’s face in without Ryan Donahue.


(The audiences goes “ooooh”)


OLEANDER: This set is amazing, I’ve never seen some of these fuckin’ colors before, man.


MICHAEL: Olly, we’re on TV, man.


HARUKI: No worry, everyone learns the English curse words in Elementary school! (The audience laughs) I MADE A JOKE! THAT MEANS IT’S KICK-A-GOLD-FISH BOWL-OVER TIME!!!


(The crowd cheers as Haruki walks over and knocks a gold fish bowl off a pedestal)


TARA: Oh my God!


(Haruki sits back down as the crowd cheers)


HARUKI: ???????????.


(SUBTITLES: Thank you)




HARUKI: ???????????????????


(SUBTITLES: Are you going to perform a song when we come back?)


MICHAEL: Let me put it like this. (Michael clears his throat) ???????????????!


(SUBTITLES: Your milk has a vagina on it!)


(The audience gasps, and Haruki looks into the camera)




HARUKI: ???? "??"??????????????????.


(SUBTITLES: I’m sure he meant to say “yes”)


(Cut back to Ryan watching the TV, disgusted, as the Japanese woman walks into the room, completely naked. She’s holding money)


JAPANESE WOMAN: I’m sorry, it took me sooo long to find money between the couch cushions…


(Ryan is still looking at the TV)


RYAN: That’s fine, just give me the money.


(She hands Ryan the money and Ryan gives her the “take-out”. Ryan then quickly leaves, and the Japanese girl looks disappointed. Cut to Jacob at Shinebox Pizza, watching Jesse put a pizza into a delivery bag)


JACOB: How much more training do I need? This is pizza delivery for Christ’s sake.


JESSE: It’s one of the most dangerous jobs, you know.


(Jesse closes the bag and goes to a computer to dispatch the order)


JACOB: It’s dangerous in Newark, but here the biggest danger is being tipped one dollar by a guy who makes 250,000 dollars a year.


(Cut to Jesse driving Jacob in his truck, with the pizza in the back)


JESSE: It’s a good, sunny day, you know? It’s just beautiful outside.


JACOB: Yeah, it’s nice.


JESSE: How long have you lived here?


JACOB: 23 years. So, all my life.


JESSE: Me too. I was born on that exit right over there.


JACOB: …On the exit-


JESSE: In the back of a van.




(Jesse picks up a pack of Marlboros and takes out a cigarette, and puts it in his mouth)


JESSE: Do you drink at all?


JACOB: Yeah.


(Jesse lights his cigarette)


JESSE: What do you like?


JACOB: I like whiskey, vodka, beer-


JESSE: I got sooo drunk last couple days. Went through a whole bottle of tequila in like, two days.


JACOB: Wow. Nice.


JESSE: I’m trying to be like my old man.


(Jacob looks at Jesse and chuckles)


JACOB: Really?


JESSE: I look up to him. (Someone on a motorcycle putters by) Oh, shit, is that Steve?! (They both stop at a red light, and Jesse rolls down his window) HEY!

(Steve looks over and takes off his helmet)


STEVE: Holy shit! What up, dude?!


JESSE: Nothin’ just trainin’ this homo!

(Jacob waves)


JACOB: What’s up?


JESSE: What are you doin’ out here?


STEVE: I’m just ridin’ around. (Steve puts his hands in the sky) This town is beautiful!

(Jesse laughs)


JESSE: You know it, man.


JACOB: The light is green, guys.


STEVE: Hey, we should get a beer!

JESSE: Sure, when?


STEVE: Right now! Bring homo along too!

JACOB: Name’s Jacob.


JESSE: But we call him “buddy”.


STEVE: Cool, I love that name! And I love this city! Let’s get a beer!

JESSE: We’ll do it after work, okay? We can’t just skip work.


JACOB: We also can’t just sit at this stoplight.


JESSE: (To Jacob) You wanna get a beer with Steve and I after work?


JACOB: Sure.


JESSE: (To Steve) I’ll text you after work, man.


STEVE: Alright, fine.


(Steve puts his helmet back on, revs his engine, and speeds away. Jesse turns back to Jacob)


JESSE: He’s a fun guy.


(Jacob nods)


JACOB: …Why aren’t we going?!


(Cut to Jacob and Jesse sitting at a table in the patio area of Hansbay Crafthouse. Steve walks over with his motorcycle helmet on, and he takes it off as he sits down)


JESSE: What’s up, guys?


JACOB: Nothing much. Waiting for our beers. Wait, hold on, Jesse, I thought you were ninetee-


(Jesse puts his finger to his mouth)


JESSE: Shhhh.


(Jesse takes out a fake ID reading “Everett Cumberbatch D/O/B 2-17-1996”)


JACOB: Ahhh, sorry, Mr. Cumberbatch.


(Jesse puts his ID away)


STEVE Wasn’t Everett Cumberbatch the kid that died in a car crash sophomore year?


(Jesse somberly nods)




JESSE: Did you know Emma works here?


STEVE: Oh shit, no way?


JESSE: Yeah.


JACOB: Who’s she?


(Jacob takes out his pack of cigarettes)


JESSE: She was this girl who got knocked up sophomore year. Man, everything seemed to happen in sophomore year.


STEVE: How old’s her kid now?


(Jacob lights his cigarette and exhales smoke)


JESSE: Probably four.


JACOB: I wonder if she’s gonna serve us-


(A girl walks over and puts two beers down)


GIRL: Two Burlington Blondes?


JACOB: Yes, thank you.


GIRL: Okay, and what can I get you…Steve?


(Steve smiles)


STEVE: A Burlington blonde, please. Not just the beer.


EMMA: …’Kay.


(Emma walks away)


JACOB: Was that her?


STEVE: You bet your milk vagina it was! 


(Cut to Ethan driving, while listening to NPR)


NPR: Congressman Steve Scalise, the Majority Whip in the House of Representatives, has been released from Intensive Care and is now in a much more stable condition. The Congressman was shot last week by James T. Hodgkinson, a former Sanders campaign volunteer, at a Republican Congressional Baseball practice. In other news, there appears to be no indicating that the Justice Department will pursue civil rights charges against Jeronimo Yanez, the St. Paul police officer who was acquitted for last year’s shooting of African-American civilian Philando Castile. When asked why, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said it is, quote, “improper to talk about anything I do here, now GIT! GIT!” he screeched, poking a broom at assembled reporters outside the Justice Department’s headquarters. This is NPR.


(Ethan pulls up and parks in front of a house in a neighborhood. He gets out of the car, walks to the door, and uses the knocker to knock on the door. Evan opens the door. He has a beard, and is shirtless)


ETHAN: Oh. Hi. (Ethan turns to the camera) Strange. I thought he would be well suited for irrelevance. (He turns back to Evan) Evan, may I come in? I need you.


EVAN: Yeah, I bet. Just like the city of Hansbay “needed” me, before they stabbed me in the back.


ETHAN: You were never elected in your own right- (To camera) agh! It’s so hard to pretend to be on his side. (To Evan) Nevermind, can I please come in?


(Evan opens the door and walks forward, and Ethan comes in. Cut to Evan putting on a shirt in his living room, as Ethan walks in)


EVAN: Make yourself comfortable.


(Ethan sits down, and Evan puts his “Alexander 2016- Because it Works!” shirt on and sits on the couch. Evan pours himself a cup of whiskey)


ETHAN: Why are you acting unemployed? Weren’t you hired as a lobbyist for big sugar?


EVAN: I’m working from home. (Evan takes a sip of his Whiskey) What do you want?


ETHAN: Do you want revenge on Mayor Satch?



ETHAN: Okay, well, this is your best shot.


EVAN: What do you want me to do?!

ETHAN: Use your influence as a sugar lobbyist to sway Graves and Edelman in the other direction on the Hansbay 2032 vote.


EVAN: What would sugar have to do with-


(Ethan takes out a blueprint, drawn in crayon, of the proposed stadium for 2032 Olympic Games in Hansbay. It is signed by “Mayor Irville Satch, Esq.”)


ETHAN: The area of the proposed stadium overlaps the proposed Hostess Factory. It would be a shame if Vermont’s kids kept their teeth in their heads.


EVAN: Right, but we haven’t acquired the rights to that land yet, it’s just a proposal-


ETHAN: Evan, I don’t care. I want the bill to be killed.


EVAN: Why can’t you just tell them to vote against it?


ETHAN: Because I’m voting for it.


EVAN: But, why?


ETHAN: Because I’m the Mayor’s Golden Boy.


(Ethan smiles, as Evan sits back)


EVAN: …So the apprentice has become the master, huh?


(Ethan chuckles, then turns towards the camera)


ETHAN: I was never either of those things. (Ethan looks back at Evan) I suppose so.


(Evan starts laughing evilly, as Ethan sits there, uncomfortably looking on, as Evan gets more and more maniacal in his laughter. Cut to Chexton Graves in his office, lying in a hammock that hangs in front of his desk, between two support beams. Chexton is drinking a Big Red)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Ah, nothing more refreshing in the summer than a damn Big Red. 


(Chexton throws the can over his shoulder, as his Secretary pokes her head in)


SECRETARY: Councilman Graves, a lobbyist is here to see you.


(Chexton faces his Secretary)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Is it Chet from Mad House comics? Because that guy rules.


SECETARY: No, sir, it’s Evan Alexander from Americans For Sugar.


(Chexton sits up in his hammock)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Are you sure that wasn’t Alexander Evans?


(Evan Alexander comes in, as Chexton’s Secretary closes the door)


EVAN: It’s really me, Chexton.


(Councilman Graves gets up)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Well, good grief, brother, I didn’t know you did lobby work these days. Last I heard you were fired for huffing new car smell at the Lexus Dealership.


EVAN: That video was not of me, just a car salesman that kinda looked like me.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Hey, man, I’m not one to judge.


(Graves shakes Evan’s hand. Evan sits down, as Graves sits in his hammock)


EVAN: So. First off, how is Emma?




(Evan furrows his brow)


EVAN: Your daughter Emma.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: I don’t have a daughter.


EVAN: Oh. Your Facebook account says you do.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: No, that’s another Chexton Graves from Essex.


EVAN: I can’t believe there’s another Chexton Graves.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Let’s cut to the chase, why don’t we?


EVAN: Alright.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: I like a good chase.


(Graves smiles a terrible smile and cracks open a Big Red)


EVAN: …Yep. So, the Hansbay 2032 bill would be a disaster for big sugar.


(Graves sips the Big Red)




EVAN: The proposed stadium would be built where we plan to open a factory.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: What kind of factory?


EVAN: It would make-


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: A chocolate factory?


EVAN: It would be more like a, uh, a sugar processing plant- a chocolate factory, it’s a chocolate factory.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Well, hot damn, Mr. Mayor. You’ve tied my hands behind my back and stuck a butt plug in my ass, I cannot vote for this bill if it deprives our town of a chocolate factory.


EVAN: Oh. Okay! Perfect.


(Evan extends his hand)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: You forgot something, cowboy.


(Evan squints, and then apparently realizing, nods his head)


EVAN: Oh, yeah. I’ll be sure to donate to your campaign next year.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: There we go. Put ‘er there, son. (Graves extends his hand, and Evan shakes it, and Graves pulls Evan close, and puts his hand on his shoulder and starts patting him on the back) I read the Art Of The Deal.


EVAN: I can tell.


(Cut to Ryan sitting in Sweatshirt’s apartment, on his laptop, typing angrily. Sarah walks in, holding some groceries)


SARAH: What’s up, Ryan?


RYAN: I’m awesome, thanks.


(Sarah puts her groceries down on the counter)


SARAH: Not my Ryan. You’re never “awesome”.


RYAN: Trust me, I’m fine.


SARAH: Ryan, I didn’t even ask you how you were doing. I asked “what’s up”?


(Ryan puts his laptop down and stands up)


RYAN: I’m drafting a post for Facebook.


SARAH: Ryan, what the hell happened? (Sarah walks over to him) You never use Facebook unless you’re threatening to hurt yourself publicly.


RYAN: Those assholes from DHF formed their “own” band called Hallway Depravity.


SARAH: I thought you were “fine” with that.


RYAN: But they’re ALSO bad-mouthing me. On JAPANESE TELEVISION!

SARAH: What?!


RYAN: I can’t find the video online, but I saw them on some Japanese talk show bad-mouthing me.


SARAH: Are you sure it wasn’t a dream you confused for reality again? Like when you swore you held hands with Sailor Moon on the roof?


RYAN: No, I knew that was a dream. I just wanted it to be real. This was 100% real. They’re baiting me.


SARAH: And you’re taking it-



SARAH: OOkay, calm. Calm yourself. (Sarah hugs Ryan) Shhhh.


RYAN: I’m gonna make my own band, Sarah-su.


SARAH: Ryan, you’re just hysterical. And I can say that, I’m a woman.


(Ryan wrests free of Sarah’s hug)


RYAN: No, I’m serious. (Ryan turns to Sarah) I hate the music program here anyway.


SARAH: Yeah, you’ve made the clear.


RYAN: It’s too strict. It’s like Tiger Mothering, but for teaching. I hate it.


SARAH: If you quit, we have to go home.


RYAN: No, I’m not gonna quit. But I am going to start this band. You can be with me or not.


(Sarah sighs)


SARAH: I don’t know any instruments.


RYAN: You have a voice. And Sweatshirt probably knows an instrument.


(Sweatshirt walks in)


SWEATSHIRT: Why would you assume that?


RYAN: Am I right?




(Sweatshirt walks into the kitchen and pulls out a Japanese Mountain Dew)


RYAN: Shit.


(Sweatshirt walks in)


SWEATSHIRT: But Tracy does.


RYAN: Perfect!  What’s she play?




RYAN: Fuck. Really?


SWEATSHIRT: She was in band in High School. Oh, shit, so was I. I guess I know that instrument too. Haven’t been in these parts of my memories in a long time. Who is that over there? Jesus, I should lock my doors.


RYAN: Great. So I have two vocalists and two piccolo players.


SARAH: Well…I may have a couple people for you.


(Ryan raises his eyebrows. Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Sen, Michiko and Hikaru in Sweatshirt’s living room. There is a guitar and a bass guitar on stands, and a drum set)


RYAN: I really appreciate you guys coming to join the band.


SEN: Are we seriously going to play in this fucking apartment? People are trying to sleep and may not want to hear you scream your shitty poetry.


RYAN: No, we’re not recording anything yet, guys. We just need a band, and a name.


MICHIKO: I’m gonna just choose one off the top of my head, gals.


SARAH: That’s a good idea, whatever she says, goes.


RYAN: Wait, why-?


MICHIKO: I’m feeling the vibrations in the air, and they’re telling me “Spicy Abortion”.


RYAN: Let’s feel some different vibrations.


MICHIKO: I thought what I said goes?


RYAN: I never agreed to that!!


SEN: You need to get your shit together, Ryan. This band is already falling apart and we don’t even have name yet.


RYAN: Just hang tight, guys. I have a phone call to make.


(Ryan takes out his phone and walks into the kitchen. He calls Michael. Cut to Michael vaping in a Japanese love hotel. He is in a hole in the ground of this purple and pink room, festooned with heart-shaped pillows and multi-colored lighting. He is peaking out of the hole, peeking into the bathroom, watching a Japanese woman taking a bath. Michael takes another hit of his vape)


MICHAEL: (Whispering) She doesn’t know I’m watching heEeEr. (Michael chuckles. The Japanese woman gets out of the tub, her naked body full visible) I hope she doesn’t see me! (The Japanese woman puts on a towel and walks past Michael’s hole) And she didn’t!! Ahahahaha! (Michael sinks into the hole) Ahhhh, this is the best country on Earth.  (Michael’s cell phone rings. He picks it up and sees that it’s Ryan) Oh, here we go. (Michael sits up straight, and answers) Hey.


RYAN: (On the phone) Sunday. 9:30 PM. Alley behind the Freshness Burger in Shibuya. Just you and I.


MICHAEL: Alright, Ry-Ry. (Michael hangs up, and turns his head right) Olly, Ryan called and said he wants to meet. I might need your crazy hobo eye-gouging skills if he tries shit.


(Pan over to Oleander covered in Teddy Bear, in pure ecstasy)


OLEANDER: Don’t talk to me right now please.


(Cut to Jacob, Jesse and Steve sitting at Hansbay Crafthouse, drinking beers)


JESSE: Steve and I are thinking about getting an apartment, but it’s gonna be hard. I live with my mom-


STEVE: So do I.


JACOB: You live with your mom?


STEVE: No, I live with his mom.


JACOB: Oh, okay.


JESSE: We’re trying to save up for the apartment, but I can only stand to eat McDonald’s five days a week, tops.


JACOB: I beat that pretty much every week.


STEVE: So what we’re thinking is, we have a way to make a lot of money quickly.


JACOB: I’m listening.


STEVE: We’re just going through Jesse’s mom’s stuff from her failed marriage and selling it.


(Jacob tilts his head in confusion)


JACOB: Sorry?


JESSE: Trust me, dude, she doesn’t want to be reminded of that miserable marriage.


STEVE: Yeah, we’re doing her a favor.


JACOB: Is she letting you?


JESSE: No, but that’s just because she freaks out a lot.


(Jacob sits back)


STEVE: Yeah, she loses her shit over stuff like this.


JACOB: Right…


JESSE: We should leave.


JACOB: We haven’t paid yet-




(Jesse and Steve run away, Jacob panics and also runs. Cut to Jacob, Jesse and Steve walking in the forest at night)


STEVE: It’s such a peaceful night.


JESSE: It’s the perfect night for a flask of Taaka, right?


STEVE: Yeah, man. It’s just one of those magic little blessings in life, you know?


(Jesse takes out a flask of Taaka and hands it to Steve, who swigs it. Steve then hands it to Jacob)


JACOB: Thanks.


(Jacob takes a swig. He then gets a text from Renee, which he checks. It says “when will you be home??” He gives the flask to Jesse)


JESSE: Who’s that?


JACOB: My wife asked me when I’ll be home.


STEVE: You have a wife?!


JACOB: Yeah. Did I not mention that?




JACOB: Oh. That’s concerning.


JESSE: You mentioned it to me.


STEVE: Still, though, that’s like a big step. To get married.


JACOB: Yeah. You might say it’s a pretty sacred thing that you wouldn’t want people exploiting for money.


JESSE: Like, by selling cakes and stuff?


JACOB: Just forget it.


JESSE: I think selling cakes is fine.


(Jesse takes out a cigarette as they approach a bluff that overlooks Lake Champlain)


STEVE: I just feel like I’m staring in Jesus’ dimples, man.


JESSE: Same. (Jesse tries to put the cigarette in his mouth, but fumbles it, drops it, and it rolls off the cliff and into Lake Champlain) Shit. That was my last one.


(Jacob pulls out a cigarette, and Jesse turns towards him. Jacob puts the cigarette in his own mouth and lights it. He exhales the smoke)


JACOB: Do you guys wanna get going?


(Cut to a City councilmen and women talking amongst each other before Chairman Edelman gavels in the meeting)


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: They just delayed the vote. Moderates are running for the hills.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Cowards. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for the rich and Heller, Collins and Murkowski don’t have it.


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: They were probably the kids in law school who skimmed The Fountainhead.


(The two enjoy a hearty laugh)


ETHAN: I can’t believe I advocated repealing Obamacare for six years. I mean, I don’t like it, but shit, we should improve on it, not throw twenty-three million people off health insurance!


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: To be fair, TrumpCare only throws twenty-TWO million people off health insurance.


ETHAN: Oh, well, thank God.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: If you still don’t like ObamaCare, what would you do to improve on it? Public option, maybe?


ETHAN: No way. That’s socialism.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: So, certainly not single-payer, right?


ETHAN: No way, that’s communism.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: So, then, what is the other option?


ETHAN: Well, maybe we could regulate insurance enough to ensure its quality, and maybe require people to have health insurance so that there are plenty of healthy people in insurance pools to make sure everyone’s taken care of.



ETHAN: No, Councilman, it’s “DonahueCare”.


(Chairman Edelman gavels in)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: The City Council will be in order.


(Ethan looks towards the camera)


ETHAN: Not when I’m done with it.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: As scheduled, this time is set aside for the vote on the bid for the 2032 Summer Olympics for the City of Hansbay. Does the majority leader wish to propose a method by which to vote on this legislation?


(Ethan rises)


ETHAN: Yes, Chairman. I propose we take a voice vote.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Is there objection?


(Councilman Sloane rises)




CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Could the gentleman offer a reason for his objection?


COUNCILMAN SLOANE: We should vote with money.


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Objection overruled, let’s proceed to the vote. (Sloane sits down) All in favor of the resolution to bid for the 2032 Olympics?


(Donahue, Edelman and Cusick raise their hands, shocking Sloane, Ethan, Edelman and Graves)


ETHAN: (Under his breath) What?!


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Oh. Okay? All opposed? (Sloane and Graves raise their hands) The vote is 3-2, the motion is approved.


(Chairman Edelman slams the gavel. Councilman Graves leans over to Ethan)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: (Whispering) Why did Howard Roark’s love child over there change her position?


ETHAN: (Whispering) Why did you change your position? (To the camera) Golly gee willikers, I hope no one corrupted him!


(Ethan looks back at Graves)


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Someone corrupted me.


(Ethan looks back at the camera)


ETHAN: Did not expect that. (Back to Graves) Well, you almost ruined the bid. Thank God Cusick stepped up for mysterious reasons.

COUNCILMAN GRAVES: Totally. Do you wanna get smoothies after this?


ETHAN: Please stop asking me on dates.


COUNCILMAN GRAVES: They’re called “bro-dates” and they’re totally normal!

(Cut to Ethan walking into Councilwoman Cusick’s office. Cusick is on her computer, typing away)


ETHAN: Melinda, do you have a second?


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: For my good friend from Conrad Heights? No. Any time lent out to others is charity best kept for the betterment of the self.


ETHAN: Cool, so I’m just gonna sit down.


(Ethan sits down in front of her desk. Cusick sighs and faces him)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: What do you want?


ETHAN: Why’d you change your vote?


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Why do I ever do anything? For ME. I did it for ME.


ETHAN: Yes, but who offered you what?


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: Why do you care? I thought you were FOR the bill?


(Ethan looks into the camera)


ETHAN: Women like this confuse combativeness with strength. The real strength is in manipulation. I mean, that’s the only reason Madeline was ever born. (to Cusick) I don’t want this thing to have been passed through corruption. It doesn’t make us look good.


(Councilwoman Cusick chuckles)


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: You bleeding-heart liberals. You’ll figure out what I got soon enough.


(Cusick turns her computer screen towards Ethan to show a live stream of Mayor Satch, Amy Satch and Sheriff Warren standing in front of the Hansbay Public Library. Satch is wearing a top hat and a sash that says, “The Mayor” over his suit, in front of a podium before a gaggle of reporters)


MAYOR SATCH: I regret to inform the people of Hansbay, that due to an unfortunate snake infestation, the Hansbay Public Library will be closed until further notice.


(Ethan furrows his brow)


ETHAN: My God.




ETHAN: He’s wearing a top hat and a “Mayor” sash during a very serious news conference.


COUNCILWOMAN CUSICK: That was actually part of the deal.


(Ethan turns to the camera)


ETHAN: Since when does Satch play ball? Since never. Someone else is behind this. And I intend on finding out.


MAYOR SATCH: (On computer) Remember, those creepy crawlies can get ya! Be sure to pack a gummy bear or two to throw on the ground to distract them before they swallow ya up!


(Ethan sighs and gets up. Cut to Ethan walking into the Mayor’s office area. Amy walks up to Ethan)


AMY: Excuse me, Councilman, do you have an appointment with the Mayor?


ETHAN: Amy, I just need to talk to him for a second.


AMY: Well, let me see if he’s available right now. (Amy goes over to her desk and haphazardly skims through a bunch of blank papers) Oh, look at that, he’s all booked up. It’s hard being a rightfully elected Mayor, you know? Oh, I guess you wouldn’t know anything about that, huh? Do you want a Chocolate bunny? (Amy takes out a chocolate bunny) Irville eats these year-round.


ETHAN: …I’ll stop by later. (Ethan starts walking away, and then turns to the camera) It’s her. Of all people, it’s fucking HER.


(Ethan storms out of the room. Cut to Ryan standing in a back alley. He checks his phone)


RYAN: I didn’t ward off five knife attackers just to be stood up. (Michael walks down the alley, to Ryan’s relief) Thank God.


(Michael stops in front of Michael)


MICHAEL: Look at you. Your eyes have gotten bigger since you left the states.


RYAN: Yeah, it’s this procedure they’re doing to make me seem more anime. They inject these stretching agents into my eyeballs, it hurts like a bitch, but it’s worth it.


MICHAEL: What do you want, Ryan?


RYAN: I want us to end this stupid shit. It’s dumb. And it hurts both of us. I should just rejoin the band. Think about it! We could do shows in Japan and it’d be our FIRST international tour!


MICHAEL: We already did that without you.


RYAN: How did you afford this, by the way?


MICHAEL: Let’s just say Mayor Satch held a “call in to win taxpayer money” contest. Actually, that’s exactly what happened.


RYAN: Fuck, I should’ve stayed!

MICHAEL: The point is, dude, we’re having a creative renaissance without you in the group. Sorry. But it’s not happening.


(Ryan furrows his brow)



MICHAEL: You also disbanded it. We’re having a show in the Bunkyo ward tomorrow night, you can come if you decide to be mature about this.




MICHAEL: ?????, Ryan.


(Michael walks away, and Ryan starts rubbing his temples)




(Cut to Ethan and Evan sitting in Evan’s apartment)


ETHAN: So, what did you find out?


(Evan takes out a folder and sets it on the table)


EVAN: Satch doesn’t like you.


ETHAN: Well, I know that, but that’s why I’ve been a huge loyalist ever since he chewed me out at Jacob’s wedding. To get back on his good side. For Christ’s sake, I rescued his daughter!


EVAN: It hasn’t worked. He doesn’t trust you, from what I’ve gathered.


ETHAN: No, it’s not him that doesn’t trust me. It’s someone in his ear, and I think that’s Amy. But what reason would Amy have to distrust me?


(Evan raises both his eyebrows)


EVAN: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?


ETHAN: Amy hates me because my son took her daughter away from her.


EVAN: I was actually thinking about how anyone could bare having sex with Irville Satch.


(Ethan chuckles)


ETHAN: This thing is insane. What an ungrateful bitch.


EVAN: President Obama rescued your son, right?




EVAN: And you still opposed him for four years after that, right?


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: I guess politics overrules everything.


EVAN: My advice? Don’t trust Satch, don’t trust Graves, Edelman, Cusick or Sloane. And DEFINITELY don’t trust me.


ETHAN: No need to worry about that. (Ethan looks into the camera) Sometimes when the world is begging you to fill a role, you need to fill it. Tonight, that role will be my old enemy Evan Alexander’s drinking buddy. But tomorrow, that role will be a perpetual pine needle in the mustache of that dopey prick Mayor we have. (To Evan) Do you have Scotch?


EVAN: Yeah.


(Evan stands up. Cut to Jacob and Renee in their bed. Jacob is awake, staring at the ceiling, and Renee awakes, and turns over to Ryan)


RENEE: Why’d you get home so late? Kyle was fussy.


JACOB: Sorry. I went out with a co-worker.


RENEE: How was that?


JACOB: I felt like a kid again. And not in a good way.


RENEE: What do you mean?


JACOB: I just want you to know. We don’t have to stay in Hansbay if we don’t want to.


RENEE: But I love Hansbay. The parking laws are lax and the gym is way out on the edge of town.


(Jacob nods)


JACOB: Good. I’m glad you want to stay here.


(Pause, as Jacob holds Renee close)


RENEE: You smell like shit.


JACOB: I know.


(Cut to Michael, Oleander, Tara and Alec on stage at a Tokyo music venue, as Hallway Depravity. There’s about two or three dozen people in the venue. Michael grabs the microphone)


MICHAEL: WHO HERE IN THE HOUSE HAS HEARD OF US BEFORE TONIGHT?! (Silence) WELL YOU’RE GONNA REMEMBER US NOW! (Smattering of applause and cheering) We are Hallway Depravity, we’re from west Vermont in the United States, and now we’re going to sonically assault all of your faces, and you better not file charges either, because we’ll call you a liar. (Ryan walks into the venue and sits in the back of the room with his arms crossed and stone-faced) Thanks for joining us, stranger back there. (The crowd looks behind them) No, don’t pay attention to him, THE SHOW’S UP HERE! THIS IS OUR SHOW! (People look back at Michael) Okay, this first song is called “eat ya fuckin’ breakfast”, and it’s not about what you think.


(The band starts jamming, as we cut to Ryan, watching in the back, looking pissed and skeptical. Cut to Ethan on the dais during a city council meeting)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: All in favor of Mayor Satch’s proposal to classify July 11th a citywide holiday so everyone can go get free Slurpees from 7-11? (Graves and Edelman raise their hands) All opposed? (Donahue, Sloane and Cusick raise their hands. Edelman sighs) The vote is 3-2 and the motion is defeated.


(Ethan smiles as he puts his hand down. Cut to black)



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