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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
summing up the way i feel

Submitted: June 30, 2017

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Submitted: June 30, 2017

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You may ask how did you get those scars? Or Why did you give yourself those cuts? Is something wrong with me? Well there is,I have depression. I have depression where I have to hide it in and out of school, my face hurts from the forced smiles and laughs. I come home wanting to be left alone not talked to but, I cant be left alone. I want to be by myself,I don't want to spread my negativity to people. If you see me smiling like nothing is wrong look deep into my eyes, I know I told you that I hate making eye contact but, I only said that because I don't want you to see the real me. Now I want you to help me, look into my eyes I'm drowning in my own sorrows of sadness the tears I've held back for years and never let them escaped. If I tell you "I'M FINE" look into my eyes and hug me telling me "I know you're not ". I need somebody to help me I can't see through the murky waters of my depression. The only thing that understands me is the end of a blade. The pain helps me through the mental problems in my head. I like how the blade makes you feel like you are a God to your own body. The first time I felt like this,I felt worthless I wanted to kill myself but,I can't I know how heart broken my mom would feel. I can't die knowing it will be my mom crying over my grave she would've preferred me to do that instead of her child then she would've said to stop being sad she is now in heaven. She hated seeing me sad she always wanted me happy. She never wanted me to worry. I felt like I let her down, I am a daughter that wants to die but can't, a daughter with depression. I am always stressed out with life, people say try lighting candles. The problem is when I see a candle I fixate on people's, my friends and family's life ending. And when I start thinking like that it sticks for a really long time. I just wish my mind had a off/on switch. I would have a hard time if my mom died. She is my world I love her I would literally die for her no matter what. She was always there for me when I needed her. Some people may say they are afraid of dying, some may ask me my response is "no",you see I am afraid of living. Once you die you are relieved from the pain that the world caused you. I have imagined and dreamed the death of my family and friends. I've woken up terrified but, yesterday night I dreamt my death,which was to suicide. I woke up and felt envy towards the girl that died in the dream.(which was me) I don't want to be here why was I put here,in this cruel world. Yes I know I have people that I love here. Yes I know people say that they "care" for me or that they "love me". Just stop. Don't say anything to me I won't believe you. I only believe what my pain has to say, Like the way the blade feels good against my skin,the pinch is saying "Maybe next time I'll bring myself to do the right thing. Maybe I will.


© Copyright 2017 Ale-jandra. All rights reserved.

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