Potential chapter for Self Destructed.

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
A scene that popped into my head randomly, and I ended up writing this pretty quickly.

Submitted: July 01, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 01, 2017



The second time we met was much better than the first.

For a start, you weren’t glaring at me so hard.

In fact,

It was almost like you were flirting with me.

After you saved me with all your toughness and muscles.

I'm not mocking, I swear.

A festival.

I’d been dreaming of it since I could remember.

Just to attend.

I never thought I’d be playing there.

It was mesmerizing.

Standing in the middle of a moving crowd

Just taking everything in.

Breathing in the air of music.

Good music.


I think out of the three of us, I was the only one who was really nervous.

I'll always remember Daniel just standing there, stuffing is face with a hot dog,

while Austin was irritating one of the stall owners by being extra picky.

I had to act like the mother hen, slapping some sense into those two idiots.

“Do you think we’ve practiced enough?”

“What if the crowd is really hard to please?”

“What if we totally embarrass ourselves?”

I nagged and I nagged those poor boys trying to get them to be as nervous as I was.

“Stop panicking,” Daniel said, his mouth still full.

“Are you kidding? Look at you. How can I not panic?” I remembert saying, with my eyebrows raised. 

Austin just laughed as he took in Daniel’s face. “The only thing that could go wrong is if Dan throws up.”

Daniel gave him the finger but I stared at them in growing horror. 

What the fuck was I gonna do, if Dan puked his guts out on stage?

So I did something I’m sure Daniel in his grave is still cursing me for,

and knocked all the food out of his hand.

“I’m not taking any chances.”

This day is still so fresh in my mind, our goofiness, messing around, and just plain stupidity.

Dan turned to Austin who was doubling over in laughter. “Dude, if she’s always this crazy before we perform, I want out.”

These boys

these precious precious boys...

I love them with every fibre of my being,

their craziness and stupid tendencies.

And it still hurts me to this day.

Because they didn’t deserve the death they got.

Not one bit.

I can still see them rolling their eyes at me, 

As I’m turning into a wreck, pulling at my hair.

But then they’re wrapping their arms around me, steering me towards where I was dying to go.

“Hanah is the craziest,” Austin sang, 

And I pinched the side of this stomach.

“She’s kinda creepy too,” Daniel joined in.

“I hate you guys,” I said pointedly.

“You love us really,” they both sang at the same time,

And I want to tell them then and there,

that I really did.

That they meant so much to me.

But I don’t.

I just smile at their goofiness.


Before I know it

I’m on the stage

And there’s a microphone in my hand.

There’s this feeling that my knees are about to give out.

But Austin gives me a thumbs up and Daniel just winks.

You got this, they both mouthed to me.

I miss them so much babe.

We all got along so fine.

Even you could stand them.

I guess, the one thing that makes me feel better,

Is that I know I’ll be joining them too.

In hell.

It was always hell.


Because we were real fuck ups, the three of us.

The moment on stage ended as quickly as it had started. 

The after rush of it all had me buzzing with adrenaline. 

Austin and Daniel were both grinning widely and I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. 

This was what it felt like to be alive.

“That was fucking awesome!” Dan yelled as he grabbed me and whirled me around.

“Hell yeah!” Austin shouted and jumped on both of us causing us all to fall on top of each other. 


I wish you could’ve been there.

I wish I met you a long time before we actually did.

I wish we had more memories to count.

Because I feel,

If that was the case,

I’d leave this world feeling much happier than I do right now.


We definitely looked like a bunch of crazies but I was too happy to care. 

When we all finally recovered I managed to pull myself from Austin’s iron grip who wanted to ‘capture this moment’ and made me take a dozen stupid selfies with him.

I'd have taken more if I knew I was to lose them too soon.

“Right, now that we’re done, and Hanah has stopped acting crazy, I’m going to go find more food, which she hopefully will let me eat this time,” Daniel said as he grinned at me and ruffled my hair.

How do I remember everything so fucking clearly?

He was a brother I never really had.

a piece of me that was lost forever when he went.

His absence follows me everywhere.


We separate that day.

Going off to find food.

I wish we didn’t.

I wish we always stayed together.

No matter what.

Maybe then, they wouldn’t be gone.

And I wouldn’t blame myself for their deaths.


I’m walking and not really looking where I’m going.

Bump into a man.

Stumble back.

Try to smile when all I’m feeling is queasy.

It's the dizziness from the stage.

Sidestep him with a polite smile.

He follows my movement.

He's big. Towering over me.

“Is there something I can help you with?” 

Wrong question.

Should’ve just legged it.

Moves closer.

A game of moving backwards and forwards.

I’m panicking.

Body in lockdown.

Wave of deja vue.

Split of a second,

The grab of my arm.

Strong grip.

Kick him where it hurts.

Open my eyes to see him stumbling back.

A bloody nose.

But I never made contact with his face.

Turning around to see no one other than Tyler fucking Castell glaring at the man.

“Touch her again and I’ll fucking break every single bone in that disgusting body of yours. You understand?” 

You looked concerned.

Never in my life did I expect this.

You were staring at me, not glaring, and I realised you probably didn’t recognise me.

You raise an eyebrow at me before they furrow in concentration.


“You’re Hanah right?” 

I freeze. How the fuck did you remember? 

“I saw you perform.”

You saw me fucking perform.

Knowing you were standing there, looking up at me, had my stomach doing flips.

I must’ve looked relieved because your lips quirk up in a small smile. “You were good.”

Babe. The one thing you knew

was how deadly your compliments were. 

What it did to me.

How it made me feel.

“I feel like I’ve seen you before,” you say slowly, your eyes travelling across my face before lowering as you do a once over of me in search of an answer.

I'm suddenly really conscious of what I'm wearing, an unexplained feeling of wanting to look nice for you settles in the pit of my stomach.

The Smiths shirt tucked into a denim skirt that comes just above my knees.

My legs were bare, just with a simple pair of ankle boots.

I opened my mouth to contradict you. 

I wasn’t going to remind you of what an arsehole you’d been, and how hostile your attitude was.

I’m sure you were told that on a regular basis.

But before I could, I saw Ella approaching us, her beautiful face stretched into a large smile.

“Oh my God you were amazing!” Runs over and envelops me in a large hug. 

"I didn’t know you could sing!”

Well you don’t really know me, I wanted to say but instead smiled back.

“It’s a new hobby.”

“And you’re band mates were so hot,” she gushed making you roll your eyes. 

Your whole demeanour shifts to looking bored.

“I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to hear.” I sound lame, but you'd put me on edge.

“How do you know my sister?” you suddenly ask, eyes narrowed.

Never liked to be out of the loop.

Always wanted to know all your facts.

That's what you were. Made of knowledge and intellect.

Ella slaps your arm. “You’re so rude. How do you not remember her?”

You're glaring at her. “Because I don’t fucking know her.”

“She was that girl that I’ve been talking about for ages.” I raise my eyebrows at that. “Ice cream parlour girl, remember?”

No, I thought. 

He doesn’t.

 And I didn’t blame you. 

I looked completely different, and on top of that you'd only seen me for a split second. 

You were looking at me again, your scrutiny making me uneasy.

“I’m sure you looked really different then.”

God you had no tact. 

“Yeah, well I did,” I muttered, wanting to just leave the two of you and get me some fucking food.

I'm awkward with people who are just gorgeous.

Scratch that.

I'm awkward with people period.

Feel out of place.

But I will never regret my relationship with Ella.

My sister.

My other half.

My twin.


“Ell, leave her alone.” you say, still staring at me. 

Almost challengingly. 

As if you're asking me whether I’d coward out and walk away without making a friendship.

And suddenly I wanted to prove you wrong. 

It was highly likely that all of this was in my head and I was just being paranoid, but I always ignored that rational part.

Instead I smile brightly at Ella and ask, “Where’s your phone?”

And that, my dear Tyler, was how Ella Castell and I became best friends. 


And I owed that to you. 

© Copyright 2017 Hanah C. All rights reserved.

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