Reads: 5129  | Likes: 11  | Shelves: 9  | Comments: 37

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: The Imaginarium

A girl is sacrificed by fire to earn a god's favor and win a war, only to be whisked away at the last minute by gods that may actually be demons.

Table of Contents


Second draft of a story idea I’d had for a while. Comments encouraged. In fact I demand them. Kidding of course. Do it if you have the time and drive.
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The Temple

The sacrifice is deferred...supposedly.

Edits will be frequent. Do not expect this to be the same chapter as 5 days ago.

Palm=7.2 in. This an obsolete unit of length measurement used since medieval times(depending on where you are) and after. The text will use this unit of measurement as defined by the book
"Mathematical and Philosophical Dictionary" by Charles Hutton. Character=61.92 in.
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We are now on Version 4.

Edits will be frequent, especially accounting constructive comments.
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Past and present mingle as the timeline gets as confused as our protagonist.
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The past seems to actually offer answers rather than raise questions about this current predicament.
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Recent Comments


A very intense read, Simon. The short sentences really add to the sense of horror, conveying a real sense of disbelief and a feeling of betrayal. You know I think your work is great -- this is no exception!

Sat, July 1st, 2017 7:55pm


Thanks! I did my best.

The next few are getting sent out shortly.

Sat, July 1st, 2017 1:32pm

The Eldritch Author

This was good. There's a sense of both urgency and hopelessness in the narration, perfect for what's happening. The page structure plays well into that as well. So far, so good. I look forward to reading more.

Mon, July 10th, 2017 5:54am


I'd just like to say an incredibly late thanks, Yacone!
It gets less terse from here on.

Sun, August 13th, 2017 4:23pm

Mark Reece Healey

Very dark, but intense. It is expressive in poetic form which I like.

Mon, July 17th, 2017 5:01pm



Mon, July 17th, 2017 1:10pm


Quite an intense piece of writing. Stream-of-consciousness. Not often used, but effective and comes across as very up-close and personal. Makes the whole piece read uncomfortably. Great work!

Tue, July 25th, 2017 7:25pm


Thanks Reagle!

Thu, July 27th, 2017 12:50pm

C A Sechler

This hooked me in and I can't wait to continue reading! I have to see what happens next!

Mon, August 14th, 2017 12:23am


Thanks, I appreciate it.

Sun, August 13th, 2017 6:49pm

Ethan Howard

I decided I wouldn't wait to read this.

A very unique way to start the story. Your descriptions put me in that room with the girl. And the fact that it was told from victim's point of view made it even more tense.

I'm late to the party, so you may have heard this before: the build up style is very Hitchcockian. You brought things to a crescendo and then dropped the bottom out with......."Then nothing." That ending forces the reader to see what happens next.

Well done & keep up the darkness.

I'm putting this on my binge read list and I will comment as I go along.

Tue, September 5th, 2017 5:40am


Thanks for going out of your way, Ethan.
I'm pleased to say you're first to use that term 'round here. I do have a little collection of his work, incidentally. Suspense really relies on emotion, so I'm glad that choice panned out.


Tue, September 5th, 2017 10:51pm

T. E. Jackson

So, I've realized I've not read much of your work, Simon, and I've decided to change that. I thought it best to start with this novel, as I think I remember you mentioning in the forums before. Regardless, very grabbing beginning. The sense of urgency and horror felt by our main character was incredibly tangible; I could imagine myself standing amongst the crowd, looking on - in what I would personally feel - horror and disgust. Something that our side character, Amari, also seems to be experiencing. The short sentences, as others have noted, really pushes through the sense of emergency and desperation, but they also are remarkable. Despite their short length and rushed pace, they lack absolutely nothing, so fantastic job on that. I'm eager to see what happens next and I think I might just hop on to the next chapter. So, Je fais mes adieux. I'm off.

Wed, August 22nd, 2018 7:54am


Thanks for taking the plunge.
I'm rather proud of myself for conveying emotion on page. It's always been an issue I've had, so hearing that my attempts to work on that have results is nice to hear.
You'll see about Amari.

Thanks again, I look forward to more of your thoughts.

Wed, August 22nd, 2018 11:23am


Holy crap, that was intense. You perfectly captured her chaotic train of thought; exactly how someone who is afraid would be thinking. Sent chills down my spine. And it left me with a bunch of questions. How did she even get there? Why is she being sacrificed? What kind of demon-worshippers are these priests around her? Seriously, what is going on?
I swear, this has got to be the best introduction to a story ever. No information whatsoever, no backstory, just pure action to grab you and not let you go. Amazing.
Moving on to the writing itself; it was fantastic. Clear, concise and simple, it flowed perfectly with the first person POV as well as the atmosphere. You have a firm grasp on narrative and have used your skill to show the emotion behind what is going on, instead of telling us. Fantastic job, and I hope to read more soon.
With love, Thea and Ivy :)

Wed, August 22nd, 2018 5:24pm


That's high praise.
It's quite a leap for me to start off with no information and in-medias-res, but I'm glad it's payed off for some. In addition to working on bringing across more emotion.
Thank you.

Sat, August 25th, 2018 11:28am

Keke Serene

So first, did a quick google of your title: correct me if I'm wrong that you intend 'born.'
I try to stay away from difficult titles in other languages/Latin, as usually they're difficult on the inner ear reading or difficult to pronounce on the tongue. How do you pronounce the title? Google couldn't help me with this.
I'm very much interested in whether any Greek mythology will be incorporated in this story. 'Amari' is my only hint at any time or place and I'm colored quite curious.
As far as what's actually written here, I do wonder what themes will surface from a fiery start- a phoenix, maybe? But that Armageddon reference from google got me a bit perturbed. Maybe we'll be whisked to the afterlife, or the end of the world- or the past to how this poor soul got on the altar.
I find the description of the preistess hilarious- horrific bitch, so maybe off that language this isn't Ancient Greece. lol
I like this, though. You definitely get a sense of shock and panic for this poor soul.
I found the 'I am going to burn alive,' a bit redundant as we as readers very well know what's about to happen.
Otherwise, an enticing first chapter!
On to chapter two.

Wed, September 12th, 2018 6:45pm


Thank you for reading. Now as for your thoughts/questions:

..I intend born?
The pronunciation is between "effigy" and (Eu)genia.
The basic premise was inspired by the myth of Iphigenia. That's about as far as it goes.
You're going to have enlighten me as to what google showed you, because I haven't any idea what you mean. otherwise, the title may be taken from the inspiration, but I've gone out of my way to mush things so that it's recognizable but not specific.
I'm glad the style did it for foyu.
Variations of bitch and other delightful insults have always been around.
The readers do, the character is only just experiencing acceptance and resignation to their fate after their one hope of being saved fizzles out.
...Eh. You're not wrong either.

Again, thanks for your thoughts and enthusiasm for this first chapter.
I look forward to the next.

Wed, September 12th, 2018 1:11pm

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