Gold Covered in Oil

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Things you would normally get angry over, should be revisited in order to see the truth in the situation. Only then can you see your own faults.

Submitted: July 02, 2017

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Submitted: July 02, 2017

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Just when i think i have my life figured out, a second opinion makes me reconsider my whole well being. However, that hasn't been the case lately as I've been falling asleep every night entering what seems to be the same dream but different situations. The situations feature a handful of people that were very important to me, and still in some way happen to leave me with the feeling I still love them just as much as i did before they left me. Each dream appears to start where the last one leaves off when i wake up, and ends with terrifying events but valuable lessons needed to be recognized. Trying to justify my actions only brings me closer to apporaching an early death considering that in reality no man nor woman could live that long with such a poisoned heart and mind. I know for sure i'm no where near the end as it feels like my journey has only just began. From old loved ones trying to murder me then lying to me while everybody is standing around still not giving an answer, to events from past relationships being relived.

Wishes are one of the few things i very much hoped were real, but when reality hits hard with you sitting on a bench in a park on a cold night wiith no where to go. You start to breakdown the fairy tales people tell you in order to keep your faith strong while you still sit holding your stomach waiting on the next meal to somehow come around. That just so happened to be the beginning of my first dream a couple weeks ago. It was 10th grade all over again, and it seems i was a knuckle head as i didn't want to play sports in school because i didn't see a future in that which would make me comfortable. My mother disagreed with most of my decisions. I don't blame her for having an opinion, but I do wish i had my Father to consult with on the options I had in front of me. Sorry to say he was somewhere around a liqour store and looking forward to the hit. That night i sat on the bench in the park asking myself how many more times will she put me out of the house? How long will she be angry at me for the financial issues I was seeing just as clear as everyone else in that house? What's the use in kicking me out knowing the streets are dirty and no place for a kid to be after midnight? Those were the very questions that sparked my mental to be very cautios of the people that claim to love me. Through that night i lay on the ground outside hoping the Lord would hear me, yet nothing but cold breezes hit my face harder with every half hour that passed. The dream later took me to a friend's house where she kissed me when i woke up on the couch. It looked like we were catching the SuperBowl on TV, and the cake on the coffee table suggested it was her birthday. I recall me looking at her phone then getting angry which as soon as she noticed my facial expression change, she tried to defend herself. In the middle of her first sentence i yelled "F*** YOU B****!", In the moment i didn't care nor did i care after she walked away. I woke up from the dream to use the bathroom, but as i lay back down to sleep I found myself in the same dream in the same place i was sitting. It wasn't until i played that situation back in my mind that i realized the same situation happened in reality, and it shouldn't have gotten that far as i could've just been more understanding to apologize for getting angry at someone who really loved me deeply. I didn't see her again in the dream, but i left a note on the seat reading "Sorry doesn't mean much to most people because it doesn't pay the bills, but i want to recognize you for the most important person in my life as you have brought me so much happiness and comfort. You did right by leaving me as you deserve much better than any man who would ever dare to look at you as anything less than a queen. I'll never call you a b**** again, take care." In that moment i actually felt good about myself and carried on down the road where i would later be shot in the torso in the dream by 2 random goons for walking in the wrong area? That was the end of the first dream.

The dream offered me a second chance, and a chance to see what i should have done in order to reduce the number of people that despise me. In all honesty I don't believe anyone truely loves me unconditionally without me having to pay them something in return. The simple fact that i watched people I've grown up with my whole life leave me alone for during the most important events i would've very much appreciated them to attend such as football banquets, graduations, or even just a game. Instead I realized I'm not here for them, I'm doing this for me. Trying to live for other people's attention will leave me dead as i would drown in a pool of hell with those unhappy thoughts raging everyday. That brings me into my next dream, standing in front of those 2 goons that tried to shoot me down. 1 of them missed where i was able to disarm him and run to the nearest house. I found myself in front of my aunt's house knocking on the door. She opened the door hugging me asking me where I been, which i couldn't answer because i was just as lost as her. I was just happy to be around a person that seen me as a son. There's no need to pretend in front of her as we roll blunts together and talk about life just as hard it looked for me based on what I went through. I noticed the questions made me realized everyone pretty much asks me the same questions about if I'm ever sad all the time. I smile all the time because I'm really living in the moment trying my best to enjoy second i get with as much love as the universe has to offer. There's no need to try to hide any pain because that only kills me after so long. I blinked my eyes in the dream and found myself back in my 93' Grand Merk heading to Miami where my friends down there were awaiting me. I walked through the door and there was one of my friends sitting on the couch with the video game ready for us to play. I sat down getting into the first quarter where i soon heard my phone ringing. Someone said "come to the room". As i opened my door, there was the most beautiful little girl sitting on my bed crying. Without hesitation i asked, what's wrong? She said, Mommy won't give me back my sippy cup, Daddy. I sat next to her hugging her, and picked her up heading to the kitchen where her mom was standing in front of the stove making pasta. I gave her a cup full of apple juice, and in that moment as i stared in her hazel eyes. I knew that was my daughter. Her hair was straight dirty blonde touching her back, yellow skin, and cute nose like her mother. I woke up after I put her back down to go to work.

I'm in love with the fact that even though love may not be everywhere i go, i can create love to make living life around me a pleasant experience. I can't help but feel like the few times found myself walking through the valley in the shadow of death in dreams seems to be my last few moments of enjoying life before wondering into a dead end. My next dream begins with me finishing up the remaining packages at my job. The boss sits me down to notify me of the hours i've acquired throughout the week which is the most I've seen there, but still not enough in my eyes if i want to do everything i want that weekend. As i walked out the office to the outside, the sky was dark and there were 2 moons. One was a half moon, and the other was a full moon. Both lighting up the night sky making the stars seem dim. I still was confused as to where i was, and the feeling that i was hundreds of miles away from home. At the same time it felt like i didn't have one to call my own. As i walked those streets more and more i noticed i was back in my old neighborhood which was very dangerous. I walked to the nearest store, and layed on the ground to rest my eyes for 2 minutes. When i opened them i woke up in a home with other kids and a girl i once seen as a potential wife one day, but we were close friends at soem point in life. She came over to me and showed me to the table where breakfast was made, then she mentioned it was the last day of school. I brought no bookbag just a pencil for exams. Getting off the bus in what i thought was my college campus puzzled me because as i walked to the cafeteria i saw the same layout as my old high school cafeteria. There to the right of the stairs was the 1st table where i seen all my close high school classmates getting ready to say goodbye as we all head off to travel for the summer. It was a pleasure getting to laugh and hang with the whole gang one more time. When the last bell for dismissal rang i knew it was time to go home. Everyone met on the steps in front of school hugging and dapping each other wishing this moment would last forever, but we all knew this was a part of growing up. After everyone left i was still confused as to where my home was, so i took some familiar streets until i seen the previous house i payed rent at. I knocked for a good while before neighbors told me that nobody had lived at that address in years. It was night time and i began to worry about where i might be going next. I rode my bike in search of the house where that nice man and woman picked me up from that corner store. I was very determined to get there as i peddled very fast down the streets of Riviera Beach. I took the last turn down an alley way where the shortcut lied ahead for me to make it to their door step, but my front tire went flat so i was left walking the rest of the way. An uneasy feeling came over me as i walked further up the road seeing two familar girls walk by and behind them were 2 guys that looked like they didn't belong in the area. I tried to walk past with limited contact, but the guy in a red shirt pulled out a pistol to point at me. He pulled the trigger, but the gun jammed and he signified his partner to do something. I threw down the bike but the gun unjammed and he shot me in the leg. I woke up on the couch to the girl i mentioned earlier with the rest of the kids behind her. She cried, "Eric ! We were looking for you, You didn't come straight here after school. We were very worried! This is your home, Eric. Remember that." I smiled at everyone a`round me then hugged everyone. It was breakfast time, and noticed my leg was wrapped so i peeled it off to see how severe the shot was the night before. It was a small wound that looked like it was almost fully healed. I just had a limp when i walked now which was a small price to pay for walking in the darkness by myself. As i woke up from the dream this morning, i thought back to the girl at my side and wanted to say this to her. "I didn't notice before but those small gestures of you just saying hi, and giving me advice on pretty much everything that came to mind really provided me with the strength to keep moving forward. To know that you're there for me even when i feel like the world don't love me no more is all the reason i need to say I love you, and I'm happy to call you my sister, much love Destiny."


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