The Donahues Episode 268

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan becomes paranoid about Trump sending goons to follow him, and ends up missing Hansbay's Independence Day celebration over it. Kimberly turns fifty, but Luke becomes suspicious about her relationship with Ethan. Ryan and Sarah go camping Japan's Suicide Forest, and learn to appreciate life more

Submitted: July 06, 2017

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Submitted: July 06, 2017









“This ghost town's my compound, I'm a saboteur. Your town's my smoke cloud, I stay at war. By night shift I don't exist, chump, saddle up. A dust to dust motionless struck belly up”

  • Stefan Burnett


(We start with a shot of fireworks blowing up in the night sky. Pan down to Kimberly and Luke sitting on lawn chairs in their backyard, watching them. They are surrounded by Micah and Doyle. Luke and Kimberly are holding glasses of wine, Doyle is drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and Micah is sipping on a Miller Light. Kimberly sips on her glass of wine)


LUKE: (To Micah) You know, at our next house, we could have a backyard big enough to host our own fireworks show next year.


MICAH: That’d be nice.


KIMBERLY: We could do that in this backyard too.


MICAH: Yeah, she’s right.


LUKE: I’m gonna have a big backyard is what I’m trying to say.


MICAH: You should see my backyard. It might as well have no corners. And legally, it doesn’t. We’re in my backyard right now, technically.


(Luke chuckles)


LUKE: That’s why we trust your legal prowess, Micah.


(Luke sips his wine)


MICAH: I’d follow you to the gates of Hell, Micah.


LUKE: I know you would.


KIMBERLY: (To Doyle) How have you been, Doyle?

DOYLE: Very good, thanks for asking! I recently splurged and bought myself a new pair of socks. First new pair of socks in a quarter-century for this old bat!


KIMBERLY: Let me see ‘em. (Doyle rolls up his pant leg to show white socks. Kimberly shakes her head) Disappointing.




LUKE: Whoa, Doyle, roll that thing down, this isn’t a peep show for Christ’s sake.


DOYLE: Sorry, Mr. Bossman. (Doyle rolls down his pant leg) Am I fired?


LUKE: Of course not, Doyle, I’m just giving you a hard time.


DOYLE: Please just fire me.


MICAH: Oh, look, it’s the finale!

(The camera cuts to the fireworks, which begin to get faster and more explosive, before ending in a blaze of glory. Cut back to Luke, Kimberly, Doyle and Micah)


LUKE: Happy Fourth, gents!


(Luke raises his glass, and everyone else joins and clinks them together before sitting back again)


MICAH: Bit of a bittersweet Fourth, isn’t it though? I mean, the President is a cyber-bully. It’s enough to make you question your sanity, but even more than enough to make you question his.


KIMBERLY: Trump’s a piece of shit. How could anyone vote for that human garbage?


LUKE: Don’t worry, there’s only 1300 days left in his Presidency.


DOYLE: I think Mika Brzezinski is a smart and attractive woman.


LUKE: And Joe Scarborough?


DOYLE: …I think Mika Brzezinski is a smart and attractive woman.


KIMBERLY: I’m gonna go to bed, okay, Luke?


LUKE: You are? But we were going to grill up hot dogs.


DOYLE: I have a gluten sensitivity, so I can’t eat buns-


LUKE: Shhhhh. (To Kimberly) Are you sure?


KIMBERLY: Yeah. I’m really tired.


LUKE: Okay. Goodnight.


(Luke stands up and kisses Kimberly. She walks into the house)


MICAH: Is she okay?


(Luke sits down)


LUKE: I think this house search is stressing her out a tad.


MICAH: Yeah, that can be a big burden.


DOYLE: When I bought my one-bedroom studio apartment in 1992, I had an ulcer so bad I was out of work for a year!

LUKE: Doyle, let me ask you something.


DOYLE: Go ahead.


LUKE: Why are you wearing a tie and slacks? You’re not at work, and it’s eighty degrees out here.


DOYLE: I just always wear this. It looks good on me.


MICAH: A short-sleeved dress shirt looks good on no one, Doyle.


LUKE: Yeah, you know what? Micah, start digging Doyle’s grave again.


MICAH: Yes sir.


(Micah grabs a shovel and begins digging in his yard)


DOYLE: Whoa, guys, come on, I’ll-


LUKE: You have to change, he’s making your death hole, Doyle.


MICAH: This isn’t great soil either, Doyle.


LUKE: Bugger off, it’s great soil.



LUKE: Good.


(Micah throws the shovel down and sits down. Doyle sighs)


DOYLE: …Can I borrow some of your clothes, or?


LUKE: Start digging, Micah.


(Micah picks up the shovel again)




(Cut to Ethan standing in a forest. His suit is shabby and stained with dirt. He hears a loud thud behind him, and he turns to see nothing. He turns back around to see his father standing there. He is startled)


LEONARD: …You spoiled that orange.


(Ethan furrows his brow and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a rotten orange)


ETHAN: …This?


(Leonard nods his head)


LEONARD: Welcome, to the Metaphorest.


(Ethan unclenches his fist and the orange falls onto the ground. It grows fresh again, and Ethan looks at it, and then looks to see his father is now gone)


ETHAN: …This is all a bit heavy-handed.


(A naked Kimberly grows out of the ground)




ETHAN: Wow. (Ethan approaches Kimberly) What are you doing here?


KIMBERLY: Luke knows.


ETHAN: Don’t say that.


KIMBERLY: He saw it in TIME Magazine.


ETHAN: Come on, that makes no sense.


KIMBERLY: TIME magazine.


ETHAN: I shouldn’t have had that article published.


KIMBERLY: TIME magazine.


ETHAN: Are we on the cover? Because at least then we’d be on the cover?




ETHAN: We could call it “fake news’ maybe?!




ETHAN: Damnit, why not Newsweek?




ETHAN: Should’ve at least been Playboy. (Kimberly turns into dust in his hands. Ethan starts crying. He then turns around to see President Donald Trump standing before him) The fuck do you want? (Trump opens his mouth and makes fax machine noises) TIME Magazine?


PRESIDENT TRUMP: I’m after you, Donahue.


ETHAN: You’re a low-life.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: But I’m charming.


(Trump smiles)


ETHAN: No. You’re not.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Did you see me with the Irish press?


ETHAN: You’re worthless.




(Trump skin turns into tree bark and his clothes and hair into leaves. Tree Trump’s eyes close, and Ethan starts sinking into the soil)


ETHAN: NO!! NOOOOO!!!!  (Smash cut to Ethan waking up in a cold sweat, panting. He reaches over to his bedside table to grab a glass of water, but there is just an empty cup) Fuck. (Ethan throws the cup across the room, and it smashes on the wall) Time to start the day, I guess. (Ethan checks his phone. It’s 2 O’clock in the morning) Goddamnit. (Cut to Ethan sitting in a Starbucks, enjoying a coffee while scrolling through his phone. He looks across the room to see a man in a trench coat and sunglasses sitting on the other side of the room. He’s looking at Ethan, but then suddenly picks up a newspaper and starts reading it) What the, hell?


(A woman walks over to Ethan)


WOMAN: Oh my Gosh, Ethan Donahue!?


(Ethan looks over at the woman)




WOMAN: I’m Beth Eldridge, remember?


ETHAN: Uhhh-


BETH: From Hansbay Elementary PTA.


ETHAN: Oh. Yes. Of course. Hi, Beth.


BETH: I know you’re a big time councilman now, so I won’t take up too much of your time-


ETHAN: It’s fine, we don’t actually work that often.


BETH: The Elementary School cafeteria only serves quail right now. So, we need- (Ethan looks over to see the man who was watching him is now sitting at a table in the middle of the Starbucks, and is watching him over the newspaper) more variety-


(Ethan turns to Beth)


ETHAN: More quail, got it, I’ll bring that up at the next meeting, thanks, Beth.


(Ethan gets up)


BETH: No, wait-


(Ethan walks over to the man and sits down in front of him. The man puts his newspaper down)


MAN: Can I help you?


ETHAN: Why are you watching me?


MAN: I was watching the game on the TV behind you.


ETHAN: This is a Starbucks, not a Sports Bar! There’s no TVs in here!

MAN: Then I was looking at something behind you!

ETHAN: You’ve already changed your story, so I’m not going to believe your NEXT explanation! Jesus!


MAN: I’m JUST a Tourist, dude! How’s your ex-wife by the way?


ETHAN: Dude, you are SO blowing your cover.


MAN: Forget you, you’re rude. Who do you think you’re talking to, huh!? I have an office in the Wh- uhhh, I-


ETHAN: In the what?!


MAN: The, uh, the Whataburger corporate offices. In Texas.


ETHAN: What the hell is Whataburger?


MAN: I have to leave.


(The man gets up and leaves. Ethan shakes his head and walks back over to his table, and sits down. He takes a sip of his coffee)


ETHAN: …It’s fucking Trump.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah packing their bags in Sweatshirt’s apartment. Sweatshirt is drinking coffee, watching them)


SWEATSHIRT: Are you guys really doing this?


RYAN: It’s been a dream of mine for a long time.


SWEATSHIRT: You guys might happen upon dead bodies, isn’t that more like a nightmare?


RYAN: Trust me, my nightmares are much worse.


TRACY: Don’t get lost, it’s easy to get lost in the Suicide Forest.


RYAN: Uh, excuse me, the real name is the “Aokigahara Forest”. Don’t test me.


TRACY: Can I punch him?


SWEATSHIRT: You don’t have to ask my permission.


SARAH: Sorry, Tracy, he feels very strongly about this place.


RYAN: It’s about a two hour drive, did you pack snacks, Sarah?


SARAH: Let me get some out of the pantry.


(Sarah walks into the kitchen)


SWEATSHIRT: Oh, suuure, take whatever the hell you want.


(Sarah gets into the pantry)


RYAN: She won’t take that much, we’re only staying for a day, and let’s be honest, I don’t eat very much.


(Sarah comes out of the kitchen with several bags of chips)


SARAH: I’m ready to go if you are.


(Ryan zips up his suitcase)


RYAN: I’m ready.


(Sarah and Ryan kiss as Tracy and Sweatshirt look on)


TRACY: Remember when we were in love like that?


SWEATSHIRT: You bet. So exhausting.


TRACY: I know, I would hate to be there again.


(Cut to Sarah driving the car on the road going through Aokigahara forest. Ryan is sitting in the passenger’s seat, while the radio plays “Monitor” by Siouxsie And The Banshees)


RYAN: I haven’t seen any dead bodies yet…


SARAH: I don’t think they’ll be visible from the road, Ryan.


RYAN: Would it kill them to hang up a few by the side of the road, though? Just to give people a sense of what they’re getting into?


SARAH: Ryan…I shouldn’t have to explain this to you, but this isn’t like a theme park ride.


RYAN: I know, I know, but come on, let’s not shit ourselves, we know what we’re here for.


SARAH: Camping! In a beautiful forest!

(Ryan nods)


RYAN: Sure we are.


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah walking into the suicide forest, wearing large backpacks. Ryan takes out a large roll of ribbon, and begins releasing it as they walk along)


SARAH: What’s that for?


RYAN: People get lost in these woods pretty easily. A lot of them even change their minds about committing suicide, but then die anyway because they can’t find their way out.


SARAH: Jesus. Yeah, keep rolling that shit. Even though it’s technically littering.


(Cut to them walking in the forest, now deeper in)


RYAN: I haven’t seen anything yet.


SARAH: I can’t believe I have to remind you that that’s a good thing.


RYAN: Oh, shit.


SARAH: What?


(Ryan kneels down and puts the roll of ribbon down. He picks up a wallet)


RYAN: It’s someone’s wallet.


SARAH: Oh, God.


(Ryan opens up the wallet, and takes out a Japanese driver’s license, with a picture of a middle-aged Japanese man with black hair and a mustache)


RYAN: Looks like his license expired in August 2015. So this guy is probably dead.


SARAH: Uggghh, this creeps me out. Put it down.


(Ryan puts the wallet in his pocket and stands up)


RYAN: Just in case we run into him, though, I’ll keep this on me.


SARAH: Why would we run- (They both continue walking) into him?!


RYAN: Not everybody gets their license renewed, Sarah, maybe he’s around here.


SARAH: How much money is in that wallet?


RYAN: Not even that much!

SARAH: God, I don’t know, maybe let’s go back.


(Ryan grabs Sarah’s shoulders and they both stop)


RYAN: Sarah, we’re fine. We’re just here to camp, remember? We’ll just find a good place to set up a tent, and we won’t move too far in any direction.


(Sarah breathes deep)


SARAH: Okay.


(The two hold hands and keep walking. Cut to Ryan pitching the tent, while Sarah watches. Ryan is hammering down a peg. He stops to wipe his brow)


RYAN: Physical labor SUCKS.


SARAH: Do you want water?


RYAN: I want you to help. (Sarah puts in a peg on the other side. Ryan looks into the sky) You know, it’s Independence Day back home.


SARAH: And your mom’s birthday’s in a couple days, right?


RYAN: …Yeah, it is. Thank God you reminded me of that. What’s she turning? Forty-seven? Forty-nine?


SARAH: Fifty.


(Ryan looks over at Sarah)


RYAN: …Yeah, I think you’re right. I am a shitty son.


(Ryan starts hammering)


SARAH: No, you’re not.


RYAN: I don’t call her enough. Especially considering I live in another country.


SARAH: I haven’t called my mom since we got here. It’s not worth the international charges.


RYAN: Who’s WORTH an international call charge?


SARAH: Mitch Hedberg.


RYAN: He’s dead.


SARAH: Okay. Then, nobody.


(Ryan chuckles. Cut to Kimberly sleeping in her bed. Luke comes in, wearing his underwear. He shakes Kimberly awake)


LUKE: Kim.


(Kimberly wakes up, annoyed)


KIMBERLY: What is it?


LUKE: I just got off the phone with our realtor. We got the house.


(Kimberly sighs)




LUKE: It’s an early birthday gift! Sorry to wake you up, we’ll talk in the morning.




(Kimberly closes her eyes, and Luke dances into the bathroom. Cut to Kimberly sitting in front of the TV, drinking coffee. An MSNBC newscaster is on air)


MSNBC NEWSCASTER: Something, something, Trump, something, Twitter, something, news media, something, Trump, something, healthcare, something, dead, die, death, destruction, doom. We’ll be right back.

(The newscast goes to commercial. Luke walks in)


LUKE: Pretty late for coffee, no?


(Kimberly turns around)


KIMBERLY: I wanted coffee, so I made coffee.


(They stare at each other)


LUKE: Okay, well, anyway, we should probably hire movers pretty soon.


KIMBERLY: We can’t do it ourselves?


(Luke walks over and sits on the couch’s arm rest)


LUKE: That would be a huge undertaking, Kimberly. We’re only two people.


KIMBERLY: What? Do you have a few statues in the storage room that are a bit too heavy?


(Luke chuckles)


LUKE: You know I only have a FEW statues. And they’re all in the guest bedroom to discourage people from crashing here. I hate freeloaders.


(Kimberly sips coffee)


KIMBERLY: I just don’t see the point in spending a bunch of money for movers when we can do it ourselves.


LUKE: Kimberly, I don’t think you understand, we’re RICH! We don’t NEED to have a point to spend money, I tipped a gas station cashier, today but just in case you need more encouragement, we have a LOT of shit in this house, including stuff you never unpacked from your last house!

KIMBERLY: Don’t yell at me!

(Luke sighs)


LUKE: I’m sorry. Moving is stressful. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.


KIMBERLY: Tomorrow’s my birthday.


LUKE: Right. We’ll talk about it Friday.


(Kimberly shrugs)


KIMBERLY: Alright.


(Luke sits down next to Kimberly)


LUKE: I don’t want you to be angry on your Birthday Eve, Kim.


(Luke rubs Kimberly’s back)


KIMBERLY: I’m not angry, it’s just…Hansbay means a lot to me, and I’m sad to leave.


LUKE: I know. But Hansbay and all its great attractions will be there, just a few miles away. And hey, maybe we’ll come back for the Olympics in fifteen years, huh?


(Kimberly chuckles)


KIMBERLY: Yeah, that’ll be magnificent. Jesus, I just realized I’ll be sixty-five by then.


LUKE: Don’t worry about that, I’ll make sure to only feed you soft foods.


KIMBERLY: Shut up!


LUKE: And I already have your wheelchair picked out.


(Kimberly playfully shoves Luke)


KIMBERLY: Stop it!

LUKE: Just don’t think about that stuff, Kim.


KIMBERLY: I’m trying not to. Holy hell, I’ll be getting an AARP card in the mail soon, won’t I?


LUKE: Yes.


KIMBERLY: Ugggh!!!


LUKE: It’s alright. I can make you feel as young as you look tonight, if you’d like. You and I could go in the back of my car, pretend it’s prom night?


(Kimberly chuckles)


KIMBERLY: I threw away my prom dress. Because it was covered in vomit and pig’s blood. It’s not what you think, someone ran over a pig in the parking lot outside the hotel that night.


LUKE: That’s still horrifying.




LUKE: Wear whatever you like, just let me give you an early birthday present.


(Kimberly sighs)


KIMBERLY: Sorry, Luke, I’m just tired. Maybe tomorrow.


(Luke nods)


LUKE: Okay. It’s fine. See you tomorrow, birthday girl.


(Luke kisses Kimberly on the forehead, and walks into the bedroom. Kimberly furrows her brow)


KIMBERLY: (Under her breath) Birthday girl? (Cut to Kimberly in her office at work, on the phone) Why aren’t you here?


LUKE: (On the phone) I’m gonna come by at lunch, don’t worry, we’ll have a birthday dinner. But I’m trying to box a few things up first.


KIMBERLY: Don’t touch my room, okay? I’m afraid you’ll sell my beanie babies and I’m still waiting for those things to appreciate.


LUKE: Got it. See ya later, Kim.




(Cut to Luke hanging up the phone. He is in the game room upstairs. He takes a box and walks into Ryan’s room. He sees the bed is made, and there is a framed copy of Depraved Hallway Fern’s 2014 record “Televising Cremations” on the wall. There is also a Needledrop stamp of approval, featuring a photo of Anthony Fantano giving a thumbs up, on the record. He then walks into Ryan’s closet, and sees a big pile of wristbands, which he begins shoveling into the box, and then he sees a dozen or so spiral notebooks labeled “Emotions/Thoughts, 2016”, “Emotions/Thoughts, 2015, with a foreword by Trent Reznor” and on and on until 2004)


LUKE: I better not. (He stands up and sees a box on the top shelf of the closet labeled “Ex-GF/BF photos”. He opens it, and a ton of them pour out) Bullocks. (He grabs the photos, which include nude photos of Kristel, Sarah, Michelle, Catherine, Terrence, Brennan, Michael and so on) Jesus, I’m gonna end up on a bloody list. (Luke hurriedly puts the photos back in the box and puts the box back on the shelf) I better focus on the stuff under the bed. (Luke goes over to the bed and looks underneath it, and sees a ton of loose clothes. He starts gathering them up, and stuffing them into the box. Luke then happens upon an appointment card at the edge of the area under the bed. He looks at it and it reads “Hansbay Psychological Associates, 1952 Woodhouse Plaza, Suite 202, Hansbay, Vermont 05482, 802-822-2333 Fax 802-822-2861” and then written on the line it says “Ethan / Dr. Perth” and then the day “Tuesday” is circled, and below that the date “6-13-17 at 5pm” is written. Luke furrows his brow, and then quickly gets out from under the bed to look at the card in better light. He examines it furiously) The fuck is this doing here? (Luke breathes a little faster, and puts the card in his pocket) It’s from last month. Ethan couldn’t have given it to Ryan, he’s been in Japan all summer and, why would he do that anyway? Why would it be in here?! (Luke takes the card back out and looks at it) Tuesday, June 13th. (Luke sits on his bed and thinks) I was out of town that previous week.


(Luke grinds his teeth in anger. Cut to Ethan looking over Facebook pictures from his father’s funeral, in the dark, in his room. He sees a man standing in the back of the room, wearing sunglasses, reading the newspaper)


ETHAN: Jesus CHRIST, who reads newspapers at a funeral?! They’re after me, man. They’re after me. (Ethan downloads the picture, then prints it out on his home printer. After it prints, he takes a tack and tacks it to his wall, and wraps a string around that point and connects it to a printed out Starbucks logo. He sits back and looks at what he has so far) Maybe I’m just being paranoid.


(Cut to President Trump sitting behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. Jared Kushner, Steve Bannon and H.R. McMaster are sitting in chairs in front of the Resolute Desk, while Reince Preibus, Sean Spicer, Vice President Pence and Stephen Miller sit on the couches, facing the President)


H.R. MCMASTER: It’s our belief, Mr. President, that the missile North Korea tested yesterday was an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile. However, it’s unclear whether North Korea can mount a miniaturized nuclear weapon capable of reaching the United States.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Should we nuke?


H.R. MCMASTER: No! No, no, no- (McMaster laughs) no, we should probably ramp up diplomatic pressure and beef up our military presence around the Korean peninsula, sir.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Whatever, tell Mattis to deal with it.


H.R. MCMASTER: Yes sir.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: I just want to take this opportunity to say how unfairly I am treated by the lying, dishonest news media.


H.R. MCMASTER: Yes, of course, sir!

STEVE: Absolutely, totally dishonest human garbage.


VICE PRESIDENT PENCE: They’re disgusting, Godless people.


JARED: So true, dad. So true.


REINCE: They can suck an egg, if you ask me.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Shut up, Reince.


REINCE: Yes, sir. Please don’t fire me.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Calm down, you’re fine. Alright, we done here?


H.R. MCMASTER: Mr. President, we just started.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: We’ll pick this up later, I have to go golf before I head to Europe again. I’m a terrific golfer, you have to understand.


VICE PRESIDENT PENCE: Best golfer I’ve ever seen.


JARED: He just makes me look like a little baby out on the golf court.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Alright, everybody but Steve, Steve and Jared can leave. (Vice President Pence, McMaster, Reince and Sean all leave. Jared, Stephen and Steve stand up) How are we doing on the Donahue situation?


STEVE: We’ve got people following him. The little cuckservative won’t get away with disrespecting you, sir. (To Jared) No offense, Jared.


JARED: It’s okay, Steve. (To Trump) I could try calling him, telling him I could call the dogs off if he apologizes to you.


STEPHEN: Wait, did we end up sicing the dogs on him?


JARED: No, that was a metaphor.


STEPHEN: Damnit. I really fought for those dogs.


STEVE: I don’t think Jared should call, it didn’t work with Brzezinski.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: It didn’t work with who?


STEVE: Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. President, it didn’t work with low I.Q. crazy Mika Brzezinski.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: That’s better. Okay, boys, if we find evidence of Ethan’s affair, tell him to put it out immediately. He’s clearly not gonna apologize to me.


JARED: Yes, sir.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Damnit, I need a Coke.


(The President pushes a button on his desk)


JARED: Ah! Please, sir, warn me when you’re gonna press that, it makes me nervous.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: You see that- (Trump points offscreen) nuclear football over there?


JARED: Sir, don’t do this.


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Oh, come on, Jared, don’t be a pussy. Play catch with me.


(Cut to Mayor Satch speaking in front of City Hall, on the night of July 4th. Conan, Amy, Chairman Edelman, Councilman Graves, Sloane, and Councilwoman Cusick, are standing behind him. Citizens and members of the press stand before the Mayor, who is behind a podium)


MAYOR SATCH: As we celebrate America’s 241st Birthday, we must remember the incredible sacrifices our men, women and little puppies made for our country! (Applause) And don’t forget the ballet dancers, who shine like stars in the sky! (Confused, sparse applause) Thank you. Let’s also thank our city council for their hard work since the election. One of them has a son in the military, Ethan, why don’t you come up and say a few words?


(Chairman Edelman walks up to the podium)


CHAIRMAN EDELMAN: Councilman Donahue is, not here, for some reason, and he hasn’t been coming to work the last several days. We’re very concerned. And I figured I’d make this known in public. Anyway. Commence the fireworks!


(Edelman backs away from the podium and Mayor Satch comes back to the podium)


MAYOR SATCH: Thank you, I’ll order the police to do a welfare check on his apartment. Without further ado, citizens of Hansbay, I give you, fireworks!


(Mayor Satch and everybody else begin applauding as fireworks commence. Sheriff Warren walks over to Mayor Satch)


SHERIFF WARREN: You want us to look for Donahue?


MAYOR SATCH: Yes, please go make sure he’s okay.


SHERIFF WARREN: If he’s dead, you want me to bring him here?


MAYOR SATCH: He won’t be dead, don’t be ridiculous. But yes, if he is, bring him here, this “public” thing has worked out so far.


(Sheriff Warren nods and walks away. Cut to Ryan sleeping in the tent in the Aokigahara forest. Sarah’s hand dips in and shakes him)


SARAH: Ryan.


RYAN: Hmm?


SARAH: Wake up.


(Ryan opens his eyes)


RYAN: What?


SARAH: There’s this guy who wants to talk to us.


(Ryan crawls out of the tent and sees a Japanese park ranger)




RYAN: Hi, sir. Can we help you?


JAPANESE PARK RANGER: Please, do not do it. You have so much to live for.


RYAN: Oh. (Ryan chuckles) No, we’re not planning on-


JAPANESE PARK RANGER: I know you teens love “Romeo, Juliet”, but do not kill you!


SARAH: I don’t know if teens love “Romeo & Juliet”-


RYAN: And we’re not trying to kill ourselves-




RYAN: Nice to meet you.


KOKKAI: You will not want death after I show you how good life is.


SARAH: We aren’t interested-


KOKKAI: In life?


RYAN: Dude, we get this is your job, but we’re just trying to camp.


KOKKAI: Everyone here just wants to “camp”. But then they kill self.


RYAN: …Fair point.


KOKKAI: Come with me.


(Sarah looks at Ryan)


SARAH: Let’s just humor him.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: Okay…


(Ryan and Sarah follow Kokkai. He brings them over to a large tree, where a spotted woodpecker is jack-hammering away)


KOKKAI: You see great stabbing bird?


RYAN: Is that what you call woodpeckers?


KOKKAI: He has no worry. He stabs wood. That is his job. He is happy with job. He wants no more than what he have.


RYAN: Interesting.


(Ryan rolls his eyes at Sarah. Kokkai walks over to a Mole peeking out of the ground)


KOKKAI: And then there is blind ground train.


SARAH: The mole?


KOKKAI: He spend all day in dirt. But he still find time to enjoy breeze.


(A breeze blows through, and Ryan closes his eyes to enjoy it. The mole remains where it is, clearly enjoying the breeze)


RYAN: …It is nice out here.


KOKKAI: You like that, Mr. Mole?


(The mole digs back underground and leaves)


RYAN: Bye, Mr. Mole.


KOKKAI: Come over, see lava cave.


SARAH: The “lava cave”?


(Kokkai walks them over to some lava caves)


RYAN: What is this?


KOKKAI: Aokigahara is forest growing on hardened lava from the eruption of Mount Fuji in year 864. These caves made out of lava.


RYAN: That is so cool.


KOKKAI: Let’s lay down on floor, yes?


SARAH: Is that a question?


RYAN: Come on, Sarah, let’s do it.


(Ryan, Sarah and Kokkai lay down on the ground and look up through the trees)


KOKKAI: If you have enough love in heart, bats come out lava cave.


SARAH: What?!

RYAN: Really?


KOKKAI: Yes. Try hard.


(Ryan looks over at Sarah)


RYAN: We might as well try, I really wanna see bats. If only to bite the head off one like Ozzy.


SARAH: I doubt having love in our hearts would bring out bats.


RYAN: Stop doubting! This is Aokigahara! Anything is possible!


SARAH: This is a SUICIDE forest!

RYAN: Exactly! That’s why it gives me so much hope.


(Sarah sighs)


SARAH: Here goes.


KOKKAI: You feel warm love in your heart? I feel it.


RYAN: Hmm. Yes. It’s very warm.


SARAH: I don’t feel it yet. (Sarah takes her hand and puts it down Ryan’s pants. Ryan smiles) Ah. I feel it now. It is warm.


(A ton of bats fly out of the cave and circle around them, and they open their eyes)


RYAN: Oh my God, it worked!

(Sarah and Ryan laugh and hold each other)


SARAH: Wait, are they gonna hurt us?


KOKKAI: No, they are friend bats.


SARAH: Oh, good.


KOKKAI: My work here is done. If you ever feel suicidal again, just feel that warm love, or grab your boyfriend’s dick, and I will return.


(Kokkai bows, turns and leaves. Ryan and Sarah turn to each other and start making out, as the bats fly back into the lava caves. They make out for a little while, but then they both notice a Japanese man standing on a bucket, underneath a tree branch, holding a rope)


SARAH: Oh my God.


JAPANESE MAN: Don’t mind me! Carry on!


(Ryan and Sarah run over to him)


SARAH: Sir, please just talk to us before you make any rash decisions.


JAPANESE MAN: Listen, I didn’t mean to create fuss, I am just very, uhhh, how do you say it?


RYAN: Sad?


JAPANESE MAN: No, not that.


SARAH: Depressed?


JAPANESE MAN: No. Ah! I have it! Despondent.


RYAN: Why is it that so many Japanese people we run into speak such great English?


SARAH: Sir, what’s your name?


JAPANESE MAN: I’m nobody. Goodbye.


(He throws the rope over the branch)




RYAN: Please, just tell us what troubles you!

NOBODY: You really want know?


RYAN: Yes.


NOBODY: My boss fired me for my job.


RYAN: Does he mean-


SARAH: You know what he means!


NOBODY: My wife slept on a man without me!

SARAH: I’m pretty sure I know what he means by that.


NOBODY: And my daughter had a love for me that went gone!


SARAH: I can’t make heads or tails of that one.


NOBODY: I can hear you!

RYAN: I’m sorry, sir, there’s just a language barrier. Let’s try something. Sarah, grab my dick.


SARAH: Shut up, Ryan. Listen, sir, your family needs you!


NOBODY: Not anymore, I lost my job. (He puts the noose around his neck) I am sorry, but I cannot listen to this any longer.


SARAH: Please don’t, sir.


NOBODY: You tried. I guess. Here I go.


RYAN: Do you have your wallet and cell phone on you?


(Nobody looks at Ryan)




RYAN: Your wallet? Your cell phone?




RYAN: Why’d you bring them here?


NOBODY: I-I-I don’t-


RYAN: You thought you might decide against this, didn’t you?




RYAN: …You know, I tried to kill myself once. Three and a half years ago. In a cave. I was so close to slashing my own wrist, but then some employee of the nature reserve came in, and, I could’ve just done it real quick, but, something told me to stop. An instinctual itch for survival, I guess. A few hours ago, were you sure you were gonna kill yourself?




RYAN: So if you step down from that bucket, you don’t know if you’ll regret it in a few hours, or be thankful. You’re playing with probabilities.


(Nobody starts crying)


NOBODY: …I…I don’t….oh, ??????????.


(Ryan extends his hand, and Nobody takes the noose off and takes Ryan’s hand. He gets down on his feet and hugs Ryan. Sarah starts crying, as Ryan pats the man on the back. Cut to Luke and Kimberly at dinner. A waiter is talking to them)


WAITER: Our special tonight is a glazed roast, served with a side of fresh meat, and a rack of boneless wings.


KIMBERLY: Is there a specific animal somewhere in there?


WAITER: We prefer not to say what we use for our meat. (Whispering) Because it might be a violation of the Endangered Species Act.


(The waiter winks)


KIMBERLY: I’ll have a Caesar salad.


LUKE: For me, as well.


WAITER: Very well, then.


(The waiter walks away)


KIMBERLY: So, how was packing?


LUKE: …Fine. I didn’t get much done. I’m still showing the house to prospective buyers anyhow.


KIMBERLY: Well, I just want to let you know that, I had my reservations at first, but I am very excited for this move.


LUKE: …Are you?




(Luke smiles, clearly trying to hold back anger)


LUKE: Splendid.


KIMBERLY: Is there something wrong, Luke?


LUKE: …Jesus, I didn’t want to bring this up at your 50th Birthday dinner, but, yes, there’s something VERY wrong. (Luke takes out Ethan’s appointment card and sets it on the table) You see this?


(Kimberly looks at the card, and then looks back at Luke)




LUKE: I found that in Ryan’s bedroom. Why was it in there?


KIMBERLY: I don’t know, Ethan came back to the house after Leonard’s funeral, he could’ve dropped it.


LUKE: In Ryan’s room?


(Kimberly squints her eyes)


KIMBERLY: Yeah, why not?!


LUKE: Why would he be in there?


KIMBERLY: Maybe we were nostalgically observing our son’s room?!

(Luke squints)


LUKE: Were you?


KIMBERLY: Fuck you. (Kimberly splashes water in Luke’s face) You just assumed I fucked him in that room?!


(Luke wipes off his face with towel)


LUKE: Why would this just DROP out of his pocket -


KIMBERLY: You know what? Fuck it. I did fuck him in that room. You’re a genius. You figured that out with nothing to go on.


LUKE: You’re serious? (Kimberly tils her head to the side) YOU’RE SERIOUS!?! (Kimberly shrugs her shoulders, as Luke grins his teeth) You…fucking…. bitch. (Luke stands up) Happy Birthday.


(Luke walks away. Kimberly puts her head in her hands, as a bunch of waiters walk over, wearing “Happy Birthday” hats)


WAITER: One, two, three, FOUR!

WAITERS: Happy Birthday, Happy Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday-




(Cut to Kimberly sitting at her dining table, sipping on a glass of wine. Jacob walks in, wearing his “Shinebox Pizza” shirt)


JACOB: Hey mom. Happy Birthday.


KIMBERLY: Oh, thank you, honey, come here.


(Jacob goes over and hugs Kimberly. Jacob then sits down at the dining table)


JACOB: Where’s Luke? Aren’t you supposed to be at dinner with him?


KIMBERLY: Luke is staying at a hotel tonight.


(Jacob furrows his brow)


JACOB: What happened?


KIMBERLY: …We got in a fight. The details aren’t important.


JACOB: On your 50th birthday-


KIMBERLY: Shhhh, 49th birthday, from now until age 60, okay?


JACOB: Got it.


(Kimberly sighs)


KIMBERLY: Adult relationships are complicated, Jacob. You’ll understand someday.


JACOB: I understand now, I’M married!

(Kimberly sighs)


KIMBERLY: You’re right. I’m sorry. Just please stay here with me for a little while.


(Jacob nods)


JACOB: Okay. I just need to call Renee and let her know.


KIMBERLY: Text her.


(Jacob looks at Kimberly)


JACOB: …Okay…. (Jacob texts Renee, then puts her phone away. Jacob then looks at Kimberly) do you want to talk?


(Kimberly shakes her head)


KIMBERLY: …No, not really…


(Cut to Sheriff Warren and two police officers outside Ethan’s apartment. The two officers are holding a battering ram)


SHERIFF WARREN: I’m gonna knock the door, say (high voice) “housekeeping”- (regular voice) and then if he doesn’t answer, I’ll give you guys the go-ahead.


POLICE OFFICER: Why do you need to pretend you’re housekeeping?




(Cut to a guy with a soul patch with a microphone, a “” t-shirt and a camera man, downstairs from Ethan’s apartment)


BREITBART REPORTER: They’re about to break in, let’s pounce.


(They slowly creep upstairs. Cut to Ethan in his room, in the dark, only illuminated by the glow of a computer screen. His clothes and hair are disheveled, and he has a short beard. The room is littered with coffee cups and Chinese food containers)


ETHAN: Okay, okay, okay, so, only SOME of my extended family members are secret Trump White House operatives. I’ve narrowed this down a LITTLE bit. Oh, God. (Ethan grabs a framed photo of his father and sits on the ground) Maybe my papa knew too much. Maybe they neutralized him. Oh, papa. I miss you so.


(Ethan kisses the picture of his father, when he hears a knock at the door, and looks to his left)


SHERIFF WARREN: (Offscreen, high voice) Housekeepiiing!


ETHAN: Jesus, that might be a Trump operative RIGHT NOW! (Ethan breathes in and out) Just relax, Donahue, get a knife just in case. (Ethan gets up and takes a switch blade off his desk and approaches the front door. He looks through the peephole) Warren? (Ethan opens the door to see Sheriff Warren, the two cops with battering rams and the Breitbart camera man) Warren, you’re a Trump operative, too?!? I- (Ethan notices the cameras) Who the hell are-


(The Breitbart reporter gets in front of the camera)


BREITBART REPORTER: This is Scotch Stitchley of Breitbart News, and this left-wing whacko city councilman thinks Trump is out to get him. The left is unhinged, we need a Civil War. TRIGGER WARNING! This regressive leftist might spew period blood all over us.




(The Breitbart reporter and camera man run away giggling)


ETHAN: Oh, my God.


SHERIFF WARREN: Councilman, are you okay?


(Ethan sits down)


ETHAN: I miss my father.


(Sheriff Warren kneels down)


SHERIFF WARREN: Of course you do, son. But you missed the Independence Day celebrations.


ETHAN: …I know no one’s going to believe me, but, Trump is actually trying to destroy my career.


(Sheriff Warren sighs)


SHERIFF WARREN: (To another officer) Let’s see if we can’t hospitalize him for “exhaustion”.


POLICE OFFICER: Yes sir. (The officer picks up his radio) We need an ambulance over here.


(Cut to President Trump sitting on a bed in a government-owned guesthouse in Hamburg, Germany. He is watching the Breitbart video of Ethan emerging from his apartment on Twitter. He nods his head and laughs)


PRESIDENT TRUMP: Very good, boys.


(The President begins to compose a new tweet. He types “Weenie Ethan Donahue is unhinged, & I’m gonna let everyone know. He’s a liberal hack, but I have tapes to reveal the true him. Embarrassing!” He is about to send the tweet, when Melania comes in wearing a nightie)


MELANIA: Get off the bed, asshole.




(President Trump puts his phone away, gets off the bed, and takes a sleeping bag out of a nearby suitcase as Melania tucks herself into bed. Trump lays on the sleeping bag and blinks a few times. Cut to black)



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