virtual reality

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: July 07, 2017

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Submitted: July 07, 2017

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I have a sick mind, I live in Melbourne but think I live in Santa Barbara USA. My dream to  be American never came true. So I fantasize that Ii live in beautiful California. I have a roving eye so I believe i am muslim and have 4 husbands and 8 kids with them.  I don’t like being old so I believe I am 33 after reverse aging when I am 60.

It gives me great mind relief and that’s the purpose it serves. I guess it’s my way of handling the isolated world I live in, no one to talk to.  I see myself as mom to the kids I see when I go for my walks. I believe I am a great Doctor who worked to alleviate pain and suffering in the world. And also living or ever.  Otherwise life is stark. I can’t handle the realities of life. Day dreaming gives great relief and futuristic thinking, of all the possibilities, a living for ever where everyone has excellent health.

Maybe I am not sick at all. Maybe it’s virtual reality. Maybe I am a Piscean. Maybe I should get checked up by a psychiatrist. But what do  they do ? Nothing at all.  I have tremendous courage but I fear life. I don’t believe I can handle it. Please God help me handle real life. I could drown myself in drink and lie in a drunken stupor but no I live with my demons. I have bipolar. I am always going to the doctors these days and I am sick and tired of it.  Yet for all that I have  raised  beautiful kids. I got myself checked out by the doctor and they said I just have an active imagination. That I am mentally very strong to live as a migrant with no extended family for support. Maybe I will take a panadol. It will give me relief. It’s not the thoughts that make me sick. I know what reality is.  I am not sick but virtual reality helps me create a world based on longing and fantasy. Thinking of myself as 33 helps me feel and stay young. Thinking there is perfect health helps me handle my diabetes which has worsened of late. That is worrysome. I wanted many kids. Thinking of myself as 33 helps me relate to the newborns that come out on walks everyday. There is some truth in it. I was asked to be mom to my neighbour’s kid a year ago. We managed to get the lady to a Doctor. She was suffering from depression and I checked on the child everyday for a week but refused to sign the adoption papers. I have a roving eye and I am highly sexed. And I am just lonesome and the men in the neighbourhood are handsome. I like beauty and I appreciate it and that goes for handsome men. I was not always like this.  Something has happened to me of late. I know what has happened. I am lonesome. Because of the empty next syndrome and I have nothing to do. I have started to make believe. It elevates happiness to immense levels and that’s the purpose of life. To be happy. By contrast reality is even better. My kids are settled in life. I am experiencing financial security after having a cash flow problem at some stage in life. My neighbours have become my family.  I am getting a headache with all this make believe. Time for a panadol.

I just have to handle my demons. There is a rational explanation for it all.  There is no magic pill for an active imagination. That’s the flip side to being a creative artist.  I am just not cut out to be a practical down to earth person.  I am just going through ketu dasa (vedic astrology).  I wasn’t always like this. Are there any of you like me out there ? Its best to go for total reality. But not all of us can be like that. 

I am trying to adjust my thinking. Accept that I am only 60 and may live to be 100. 60 is young. I am fond of my neighbours. I have known them for over 20 years. They are like family. Even got involved in their personal problems. Foolish me. Accept that diabetes is a easily handled disease. I have a lot of growing to do. Most of all I must learn to handle my lonesomeness.  Meanwhile panadol has kicked in and I am feeling better.


© Copyright 2017 Katherine Kelly Lang. All rights reserved.

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