You're not my friend

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

TRIGGER WARNING Eating disorder and depression related content.

Written at various stages of anorexia recovery. The lines and stanza's are intentionally various lengths :)

Submitted: July 18, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 18, 2017



Let go of my hand.


“But I want to be your friend forever

Best friends in fact,

Promise me we’ll be together

Stay with me, make this pact”


“I’m the one who truly loves you

But you already knew that

Take my hand I’ll help you

Be loved through losing fat”


You told me I was beautiful

Or at least I could be

Every pound shed got me closer

And further away, perfectly


Weighing myself on scales

Always tipping and ripping my heart

With the weight of the world on my shoulders

Waiting for my life to start


I’d wake up feeling exhausted

So tired from the night before

You’d been watching at the window

Whispering words I couldn’t ignore


You insisted I’d been "weak" that day

And calculated my calorific intake

You ignored my hair upon the brush

And even more at stake


You gripped tight in terror

When I started group therapy

meeting the fellow warriors

you'd befriended just like me


A collateral grave yard

of shattering bone

heart broken Skelton's

Scattered alone


Eyes scorched with drought

missing something unobtainable

minds filled with doubt

and life unsustainable


The dizzying aray of stars

Left me euphoric and wanting more

As my stomach growled in hatred

Which made you laugh, I’m sure


You were my drug of addiction

Dancing through my blood stream

Holding me too close in the morning

And accompanying every dream


You told me to fight through the pain

I “wasn’t in this alone”

You were with me at every milestone

You were with me to the bone.


You love draining me, I know that now

Within my thoughts, in every dream,

Warping my mind

Tearing the seams


You intentionally over power

Voices of concern

As yours screams even louder

until my eardrums burn


Viciously whispering

Poisonous kisses in my ear

but now I’m not listening

now you feel the fear


I’ll protect my organs

You won’t make me die

I’ll Count my value in kindness

And not BMI


There's a hunger inside me

too delicious to resist

it's the striving to live

and not just exist

You’re not my friend, Ana

with your scratching claws

And most importantly

I’m not yours


The words may hurt me

But they’re not sticks or stones

They may dysmorph my reflection

But it’s you who’s alone


Friends tell me they love me

And I almost believe

That I’m deserving of everything

you said I wouldn’t be


I’m tired of the counting

And of the self-hate

To be honest I’m just tired

Of trying to lose weight


One day I’ll see the beauty

You’ll never understand

you’re not my friend Ana


now let go of my hand.

© Copyright 2018 Rubie Phoenix. All rights reserved.

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