You're not my friend

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


TRIGGER WARNING Eating disorder and depression related content.



Written at various stages of anorexia recovery. The lines and stanza's are intentionally various lengths :)

Submitted: July 18, 2017

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Submitted: July 18, 2017

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Let go of my hand.

 

“But I want to be your friend forever

Best friends in fact,

Promise me we’ll be together

Stay with me, make this pact”

 

“I’m the one who truly loves you

But you already knew that

Take my hand I’ll help you

Be loved through losing fat”

 

You told me I was beautiful

Or at least I could be

Every pound shed got me closer

And further away, perfectly

 

Weighing myself on scales

Always tipping and ripping my heart

With the weight of the world on my shoulders

Waiting for my life to start

 

I’d wake up feeling exhausted

So tired from the night before

You’d been watching at the window

Whispering words I couldn’t ignore

 

You insisted I’d been "weak" that day

And calculated my calorific intake

You ignored my hair upon the brush

And even more at stake

 

You gripped tight in terror

When I started group therapy

meeting the fellow warriors

you'd befriended just like me

 

A collateral grave yard

of shattering bone

heart broken Skelton's

Scattered alone

 

Eyes scorched with drought

missing something unobtainable

minds filled with doubt

and life unsustainable

 

The dizzying aray of stars

Left me euphoric and wanting more

As my stomach growled in hatred

Which made you laugh, I’m sure

 

You were my drug of addiction

Dancing through my blood stream

Holding me too close in the morning

And accompanying every dream

 

You told me to fight through the pain

I “wasn’t in this alone”

You were with me at every milestone

You were with me to the bone.

 

You love draining me, I know that now

Within my thoughts, in every dream,

Warping my mind

Tearing the seams

 

You intentionally over power

Voices of concern

As yours screams even louder

until my eardrums burn

 

Viciously whispering

Poisonous kisses in my ear

but now I’m not listening

now you feel the fear

 

I’ll protect my organs

You won’t make me die

I’ll Count my value in kindness

And not BMI

 

There's a hunger inside me

too delicious to resist

it's the striving to live

and not just exist
 

You’re not my friend, Ana

with your scratching claws

And most importantly

I’m not yours

 

The words may hurt me

But they’re not sticks or stones

They may dysmorph my reflection

But it’s you who’s alone

 

Friends tell me they love me

And I almost believe

That I’m deserving of everything

you said I wouldn’t be

 

I’m tired of the counting

And of the self-hate

To be honest I’m just tired

Of trying to lose weight

 

One day I’ll see the beauty

You’ll never understand

you’re not my friend Ana

 

now let go of my hand.


© Copyright 2018 Rubie Phoenix. All rights reserved.

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