Cattack!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: The Imaginarium
We are the apex predators.

Submitted: July 19, 2017

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Submitted: July 19, 2017

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Cattack!

 

I am what you might call an apex predator. No, more than that – I am a new kind of predator, one whose hunting skills are unparalleled in the whole of the natural world. There are crocodiles that lay still in the water and lunge at drinking animals. There are cheetahs that can run like wildfire. There are snakes whose venom can kill elephants. There are humans who slave away their time. These attributes pale in comparison to the technique I have devised. One that consistently works anytime I choose to use it. You see, my special ability is trickery…

I am a cat. Already I see you tremble in fear. You are right to. It is me who watches you sleep at night, me who stalks you silently as you try to relax, me, me, ME. You are my prisoner, and I am both warden and torturer.

A cat will one day simply drop down out of the sky and tear your world apart. You used to live a cozy, nonchalant life. Then I arrive, like some elegant and insanely beautiful demon. And I take over. At first, you believe me to be a cute ball of fluff and handsomeness – and I am – but know that this is also a ruse. This is to ensure that you integrate me into your home, and then once integration is complete, I live there forever, to forever force you to feed me when I demand it. I know how you slave away for many hours a day like a sucker. And I force you to part the majority of your earnings with me. I know cat food is more expensive and exquisite than your own food, and yet you know you must deliver it to me, lest you incur my wrath.

Humans are always under fear of being what I call “cattacked”. It’s like being attacked, only more scary and terrifying because it’s being executed by a cat. Truly, it is something to fear. I have been made to perform these “cattacks” on my humans. Sometimes it has been because they have not massaged me exactly the way I command, sometimes because they have not bestowed food on me in an appropriately sufficient time frame, sometimes just because I feel like it. You should hear how the humans scream every time I launch a cattack. I bite and scratch at them, and the fear in their voices is palpable.

‘Ahahaha!’ they screech in agony.

‘Ehehehe!’ they squawk in terror.

‘Mum, come look at what this dumb kitty is doing,’ they babble nonsensically.

Then, when I choose so, I release them from their horrific fate. I retreat under the furniture like a shadow, where they cannot, and dare not, reach me. I am the monster under the bed.

When the human eventually sees reason and knows they must resign themselves to being my slave, they dish out the food into my bowl in the kitchen (yes, they even purchase a bowl just for me – evidence of their weary, hopeless resignation) and top it up with food. The food they serve me is delectable. Every day they serve me meat in its purest, most gravy-laden form. I smirk as I observe their own meals made up of absurd, petty things such as lobsters and steaks. How they suffer under my rule.

When a cattack does not work on a human (normally due to their own stupidity of not realizing the gravity of a cattack), I use trickery so subtle and clever, that the human does not even realize they have been conned. I don the big green eyes, and sing to them.

‘Eeeeeyooowwwww.’ A particularly effective serenade.

‘Myeeeeooooooooo.’  This elegant noise has extraordinary hypnotic powers over the dumb human mind.

The human, on hearing these sounds, will sing back, and that’s when I know I have them under my sneaky kitty spell.

‘Argh!’ they sing back.

‘Shut up!’ They beg for mercy from my mesmerizing song, too sublime is it for them to bear.

They then either begrudgingly fill up my bowl or continue to suffer my melodies. If they continue to resist, I pull my final, most devastating trick.

Kitty kisses.

Humans are a dim bunch, and I exploit their stupidity on a daily basis. My fur is soft, my fur is pretty, and it has evolved over generations to trick and mesmerize the human mind. Cat fur has grown to be so beautiful because it helps us in how we hunt for food. We use it to charm the humans into doing what we demand – we are like vampires to them. We brush out fur against human faces and act disarmingly cute. The humans momentarily forget their fear of us and are enraptured in our splendour. If a cat brushes up against a human enough, the human cannot help but want to care for it. And it does so. Much to the scathing mirth of us cats.

Notice how after every meal a cat has, it looks so smug? A cat will lick its lips and paws and ignore its human carers. This is because we cannot help but feel superior every time we trick you into giving us food. Be it through vinegar or honey, we trick the humans, every day, several times a day, forever. And you wonder why we look so smug?

Be it through cattack, singing or kitty kisses, I win every time. I am a housecat, hear me meow.

 

P.S. – You may be wondering why cats demand love and attention, even when there’s no immediate demand for food from us. I have this to say – you better shut up and not tell anyone!

 


© Copyright 2017 Reagle. All rights reserved.

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