The Donahues Episode 269

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Jacob has to find a way to protect himself while making deliveries, Ryan encounters new obstacles while drug-dealing solo in Tokyo and Ethan heads to Los Angeles to escape the wrath of Luke and to fund-raise and network, but he is unpleasantly surprised by one of the attendees

Submitted: July 21, 2017

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Submitted: July 21, 2017









“No one but me is walking under palms that give no shade. I'm leaving you today. How cruel was I to think that I could make you change? Oh, give me some shade”

  • PJ Harvey


(We start with Ethan driving a rental car with the sun-roof down, through sunny Los Angeles. He is wearing sunglasses. He breathes in)


ETHAN: The Golden State. Good to- (Ethan’s face starts spasming, and then he starts spitting) fucking bugs. (Ethan gets a call, and he answers it) Hello?


(Cut to Chexton Graves in a ball room, with many well-dressed men and women milling about, and drinking, in front of a dais. Chexton is on the phone)


CHEXTON: Ethan? Where are you? The pre-fundraiser lion show has almost begun!


(Cut to Ethan)


ETHAN: Hold on, I can barely hear you, let me put up my sun roof! (Ethan presses a button and his sun roof slowly forms over his head) Alright, go ahead.


CHEXTON: If you don’t get here soon, then you’re gonna miss the knock-knock joke Barbara Streisand has been teasing towards all night.


ETHAN: (On the phone) I’m not gonna get there until seven, Graves, I’m sorry.


CHEXTON: But why?!


(Cut to Ethan)


ETHAN: I have an interview. And it’s gonna be a doozy.


(Cut to Cenk Uygur behind the desk at The Young Turks)


CENK: Hey guys, we have a great interview for you today, he’s a former Republican who left the party over Trump and became a Democrat, he was on our show briefly at last year’s RNC and DNC, and last November he was elected City Councilman for the city of Hansbay, Vermont. But more importantly, he’s being challenged from the left by one of our Justice Democrats. We’re still three years out, but we already have a Justice Democrat who will try to wrest the Democratic nomination from him then. Please welcome, City Councilman Ethan Donahue. (Cenk turns to Ethan, who is sitting at the desk) Councilman, welcome to The Young Turks.


ETHAN: Thank you so much for having me, Jonks.


CENK: it’s Cenk.


ETHAN: What did I say?


CENK: It’s fine, Joe Manchin mispronounced my name too. Councilman, you requested this interview. Why?


ETHAN: Well, I heard about the Justice Democrat you guys were running against me, and I felt like I had to make my case on the air for why I am the Democrat to represent progressive values in the Hansbay City Council going forward.


CENK: Okay, well, we should probably tell everybody at home about your potential primary challenger, his name is Conrad Gleason, he is an ice cream truck driver from your district, and he is an activist for peace, the environment and the fight for fifteen.


ETHAN: He sounds like a magnificent young man.


CENK: He’s forty.


ETHAN: Well, you know how idealistic and naïve ice cream men are. I mean, they sell ice cream for a living.


CENK: Alright, well, let’s talk about what you sell, Councilman. This graphic- (A graphic comes up listing Ethan’s corporate donors) shows the top five corporations that donated to your 2016 campaign. Mylan Pharmaceuticals, the Cardova Corporation, CitiGroup, Altmire Racquetball and some ol’ weird beekeeper at the edge of your town. (The graphic comes down) Those first three matter the most, one is a pharmaceutical company, one is a conglomerate that includes food, financial services, private prisons and a chain of coffee hotels, whatever the hell that means, and then the third one is obviously, a very large bank.


ETHAN: In my defense, CitiGroup is only the 4th largest of the Big Four Banks in the country.


CENK: …Right. Would you say these donors influence how you vote?


ETHAN: Of course not, I mean, how often do I need to vote on racquetball anyway?


CENK: No, Councilman-


ETHAN: And who gives a care about bees? The mainstream media always tries to make a big deal out of bees, but don’t believe the hype,


CENK: Councilman, it’s the bank, the pharmaceutical company and the mulit-national conglomerate we’re worried about. Do you serve the people, or do you serve them?


ETHAN: Did you see Donald Trump Jr.’s emails? That was crazy-


CENK: Please, Councilman, answer the question.


ETHAN: Shank, I don’t pay attention to who gives me money.


CENK: You don’t?


ETHAN: I’ve never even heard of the list you’re giving to me right now.


CENK: Sir, one of these companies is run by your ex-wife.




CENK: Yes.


ETHAN: You learn something new every day.


(Cenk sighs)


CENK: Sir, you’re not gonna win over our audience this way.


ETHAN: No offense, Shonk, but can we wrap this up? I have somewhere to be.


CENK: Where is that?


ETHAN: …Barbara Streisand is going to tell a knock-knock joke I don’t want to miss.


CENK: Is it at a fundraiser?


ETHAN: …Listen, we can’t win without that money.


CENK: Thanks for coming on the Young Turks, Councilman.


(Cut to Ethan speaking with Chexton at the fundraiser. They’re both holding glasses of sauvignon blanc)


ETHAN: It was humiliating.


CHEXTON: At least they didn’t ask you about your on-camera paranoia last week.


ETHAN: I honestly would’ve preferred that! At least I have an explanation for that, how can I explain taking all this money?


CHEXTON: We need it to win.


ETHAN: But we NEVER win!

CHEXTON: We won, didn’t we?


ETHAN: Yeah, but we’re from Vermont, it doesn’t count!

CHEXTON: Honestly, I think The Young Turks is funded by the Russians and is invading your mind.


ETHAN: Please stop it.


CHEXTON: You know what should be stopped? This wine!


(Chexton throws the wine over his shoulder)


ETHAN: What the hell are you doing?!


CHEXTON: We’re rich, we can just do shit like that, right?


(A pair of custodians come over and start washing out the stain in the carpet)

ETHAN: I guess so.


CHEXTON: Great. I’m gonna get a Red Bull and some of these screaming live fish on the table over there.


(Chexton walks away. Ethan sighs and looks around, when suddenly, California Democratic Party Chairman Eric Bauman approaches, with Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti in tow)


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: Donahue! How are ya, ol’ so-and-so?


ETHAN: Hello, sir.


(Chairman Bauman brings Ethan unexpectedly into a bro hug)


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: Come here, you son of a you-know-what!


ETHAN: Oh. (Chairman Bauman relinquishes Ethan and pats him on the shoulder) I didn’t realize we were such close friends, Mr. Chairman. Since, you know, we’ve never met before.


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: Everyone’s my friend at fundraisers, my friend. Have you met Mayor Garcetti?


ETHAN: No, it’s a pleasure, Mr. Mayor.


(Ethan shakes Mayor Garcetti’s hand)


MAYOR GARCETTI: Pleasure. Who are you?


ETHAN: I’m a City Councilman for Hansbay, Vermont.




(Mayor Garcetti nods and walks away)


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: He’s just shy.


ETHAN: I don’t think that was it.


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: There’s someone here you might know, and he wants your endorsement.


ETHAN: For what?


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: U.S. Congressman from California’s 25th district. It’s been in Republican hands for twenty-four years, and the guy in there right now is a nut named Steve Knight. Climate change skeptic, anti-gay, he called Social Security a “bad idea”.


ETHAN: Jesus.


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: Yeah. This guy represents a part of LA county, for God’s sake.


ETHAN: And who’s running against him?


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: Time for the big reveal. COME OUT!

(A man with a big black sheet over his body waddles over)


ETHAN: This should be good.


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: Introducing, the next Congressman from California’s 25th District-


(Bauman pulls the sheet off to reveal Robert Altmire in a suit)



(Ethan looks shocked)







CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: He’s a reality show star. That kind of thing worked for the Republicans, why can’t it work for us?


ROB: If I debated Steve Knight, all I would need to do is show my six-pack. (Rob lifts up his shirt to show a somewhat flabby stomach) I mean, I’ll have it by the time the debate comes around.


ETHAN: Eric, Rob is not only unqualified to be a Congressman-


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: Not a problem anymore.


ETHAN: Granted! But he’s also not a Democrat! He supported Romney!


ROB: But I opposed Trump! Which means I either become a Democratic Congressman, or I get a show on MSNBC. And I prefer the first one.


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: Plus, Ethan, you also used to be a Republican.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: Chairman, you don’t understand- ROB, PUT YOUR FUCKING SHIRT DOWN! (Rob puts his shirt down) Chairman, you don’t understand, Rob is unlikeable, ignorant, arrogant, fuck, he’s the perfect candidate, isn’t he?


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: That’s right.


(Ethan puts his head in his hands)


ROB: I’m gonna be a Congress-man!


(Ethan lifts his head up)


ETHAN: He just said “Congress-man” like a four-year old says “fire-man”. How is he gonna get the Democratic nomination!?


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: We’re putting all our money behind him. He just wants your endorsement.


ETHAN: Why would he need it? No one knows me here.


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: It’s important to him.


(Chairman Bauman pats Rob on the shoulder as Rob pouts)


ETHAN: …Christ, fine, I’ll endorse you.


CHAIRMAN BAUMAN: Wonderful, let’s get a round of champagne and then go listen to Barbara Streisand’s knock-knock joke!

ROB: Can someone run to the liquor store to get it, though? The champagne here tastes like ass.


(They all walk over to stand before the dais as Barbara Streisand takes the stage. There is complete silence as she takes the microphone)




AUDIENCE: (In unison) Who’s there?

BARBARA STRESIAND: A broken pencil.


AUDIENCE: (In unison) A broken pencil who?


BARBARA STREISAND: Never mind, it’s pointless. (The audience goes into uproarious applause) Now, who here pledges 15,000 dollars?


(Cut to Jacob driving while wearing his Shinebox Pizza uniform)


RADIO: You’re listening to 104.7, THE SOARING HAWK- (Hawk sound) All the rock and roll hits of the 70s, 80s, and today!

JACOB: What happened to the nineties and the oughts?


RADIO: We don’t want to talk about the nineties and oughts, okay?! Stop calling us! Comin’ up next, it’s Duran Duran with, “Hungry Like The Wolf!”


(“Hungry Like The Wolf” starts playing, as Jacob drives towards Burlington International Airport. Jacob takes out his phone and makes a call, as he turns down the radio)


JACOB: Hello?


VOICE ON THE OTHER LINE: Burlington Tracon.


JACOB: Hi, this is Jacob from Shinebox Pizza, I’m driving towards Burlington International right now, where am I supposed to drop off this pie? The doorstep?


TRACON OFFICER: No, we don’t really, you know, have a doorstep. You shouldn’t go towards the passenger part of the airport, you should exit Airport Circle and then go to Cross-under number 4.


JACOB: Cross-under?


TRACON OFFICER: Yeah, just look for a sign that says “Tracon” and then follow that until you see cross-under number 4.


JACOB: Okay…


TRACON OFFICER: You’ll see a line of service vehicles. Stay in that line for a while.


(Jacob exits on Tracon)


JACOB: Okay, I just exited on Tracon.


TRACON OFFICER: Have you seen cross-under number four?


JACOB: I see a homeless guy pissing himself while flipping me off.


TRACON OFFICER: Should be coming up then.


JACOB: Yep, I found it.


(Jacob exits on cross-under number four, and arrives in a line of service vehicles leading up to a gate where security personnel are check-pointing arrivals)


TRACON OFFICER: Great, I’ll send Ted down there to pick it up.


VOICE: (On the phone, in the background) Is that pizza coming or what?!


TRACON OFFICER: (To that man) You’ll get your fill, old man! (To Jacob) Sorry about that.


JACOB: That’s alright. Bye-bye.




(Jacob hangs up. Jacob pulls up to security personnel and rolls up his window. Keith Rohrabacher is the officer)


KEITH: Do you have a shipment of jet fuel?


JACOB: No, I have some-


KEITH: Get out of the line, get up on the curb.


JACOB: Oh. Okay.


(Jacob pulls up onto the curb)


KEITH: No pizzas go through here.


JACOB: I was told to bring pizzas through here-


KEITH: Are you calling me a liar?


JACOB: No, I’m just saying there may be a mistake.


KEITH: Hmm. I don’t like the implication.


JACOB: What? Listen, I’ll call Tracon.


(Jacob dials the number)


TRACON OFFICER: Burlington Tracon.


JACOB: Hey, this is Jacob from Shinebox Pizza, can you talk to security so they’ll let me in with the pizza?


TRACON OFFICER: Of course, hand the phone to me.


(Jacob gets out of the car and tries to hand the phone to Keith, but he walks away)


JACOB: Wait, sir!

KEITH: That guy sniped me last week.


JACOB: What do you mean- (Jacob opens his car’s door and grabs a pizza box) I just want to give you this delicious pie!




(Jacob puts the phone back to his ear)

JACOB: This guy is being a dickhead.




JACOB: Yes. You know what? I’ll handle this myself.




(Jacob hangs up, grabs another pizza and starts to approach Keith and another security officer)


KEITH: Whoa! Stay by your car!



(Keith and the other office pull out firearms)



(Jacob drops the pizzas and puts his hands up)


JACOB: Okay, you guys win.


(Cut to Jacob, Jesse and a black-haired, male delivery driver standing around in the kitchen at Shinebox Pizza)


JESSE: They pulled guns on you!?


JACOB: Yeah. It was insane. And they inspected the pizza to see if there were any bombs or anthrax in them. And then they started eating them…


(Cut to Keith Rohrabacher shoveling pizza into his mouth while scolding Jacob)


KEITH: (Mouth full, slightly muffled) You should be ashamed of yourself!!!

(Cut back)


JACOB: It was scary, man. I got a little PTSD from Afghanistan, you know?


BLACK-HAIRED GUY: Is that like a, STD?


(Jacob looks at him)


JACOB: No, Cole, it’s post-traumatic stress disorder. Why would I randomly mention I got an STD from the war?

COLE: My granddad did once.


JACOB: I mean, well, I’ve never been tested, but…I’m pretty sure I didn’t.


COLE: …But yeah, delivering can be dangerous. That’s why I always keep katanas in my trunk, so just in case someone tries to rob me, I can quickly go and grab the katanas out of my car. And then go use them on the person.


JESSE: As they wait politely for you to do that?


COLE: Shut up.


JESSE: I just bring a pocket knife, bro. (Jesse lifts his shirt to reveal the pocket knife in his pocket) There are plenty of crazies out there, including a lot of guys that want me to be gay.


JACOB: Right. Most of them want money.


JESSE: They want money and my masculinity, more like.


JACOB: Maybe I should get a knife or something.


COLE: I have some extra katanas in my car, but you might do better with a battle-axe.


JACOB: I appreciate it, Cole, I really do, but, no.


(Cut to Ryan sitting in a crowded dance club in Tokyo. He is sitting in a corner while numerous Japanese girls and guys dance to Japanese EDM. A Japanese girl crashes onto the seat next to Ryan, and puts her arm around Ryan’s shoulder)


JAPANESE GIRL: Ryan, get up and dance!

RYAN: I don’t dance unless I’m on drugs, Jitsuko.


JITSUKO: Then get on some drugs, I can wait! There’s a whole buffet in the bathroom, you wouldn’t believe…


RYAN: I can’t, Jitsuko. Sarah wans me to be a sober butterfly tonight. (Sarah takes out a bottle of whiskey and takes a swig. Jitsuko looks at him) Alcohol doesn’t count.


JITSUKO: Whatever.


(Jitsuko kisses Ryan on the cheek)


RYAN: Jitsuko, don’t.


(Jitsuko pokes Ryan’s nose)


JITSUKO: Your girlfriend does not change the fact you are pretty!

(Jitsuko giggles and runs back into the crowd. Ryan sighs)


RYAN: This client recruital could be going better.


(Ryan walks up to the bar and sits down. Many Japanese men and women are speaking to each other at this bar. The bartender walks over to Ryan)


BARTENDER: ???????????


(SUBTITLES: “What can I get for you?”)


RYAN: Get me a- actually- (Ryan holds up his bottle of whiskey) I’m set. (The bartender nods and walks away. Ryan taps a Japanese man on the shoulder and he turns to him) What’s up, man? Hey, if you guys are looking to party tonight, I’ve got some shit that will blow your minds.


JAPANESE MAN: I no speak English.


RYAN: Oh, sorry. ????????????????????? ??????????????????????? ????????LSD???????????.


(SUBTITLES: “This shit will blow your mind. You will look at the color and you will laugh at ton. I have marijuana, LSD, mushrooms”)


JAPANESE MAN: ?????? ????????????? ???????????????????? ??????????????????.


(SUBTITLES: “Awesome! How much does it cost? And about how long does it last? I've had some bad experiences”)


(Ryan looks clueless)


RYAN: …Fuck, I only practiced that one pitch. (Cut to Ryan standing in the bathroom at the club, looking at the mirror) You can do this, Donahue. (Ryan breathes in) Here we go. (Ryan turns around, opens a bathroom stall door and vomits in the toilet profusely. After he’s done, he gets up and looks in the mirror again) Alright. Let’s go sell drugs.


(Ryan is about to leave when Sen comes out of a bathroom stall and looks at him)


SEN: Well, look at this bloated bag of dicks.


(Ryan turns to Sen)


RYAN: You know English way too well.


SEN: I heard you were selling.


RYAN: What are you doing in the men’s bathroom?


SEN: It’s the perfect place to get last-ditch dick. Must be why you’re in here.


RYAN: You can’t tell Sarah-su, okay?


SEN: Why? Will she call the police? Because then you’d be better off killing her.


RYAN: Sen, you have to keep quiet.


SEN: Why is it such a-


RYAN: Because she’s afraid if I get back in the business, the Yakuza will find us. I’m telling you way too much.


SEN: The Yakuza’s after you and you’re in a seedy downtown Tokyo night club?


RYAN: Oh, fuck. Is this place Yakuza?


SEN: There’s like a 90% chance. And you’re dealing on their turf, if that’s the case.


RYAN: Shit. Good thing I avoided all the men in derby hats I saw. Thanks for telling me.


(Ryan begins to leave)


SEN: Don’t leave, Ryan- (Ryan stops) I was gonna have you watch me pee. You’ll never get this chance again!


RYAN: I’m gonna assume you’re very drunk. (Pause) Then again, I have always been interested, go ahead.


(Sen goes into the bathroom stall and Ryan leans against the wall to observe what she does. Cut to Ryan sitting on the couch in Sweatshirt’s apartment, watching TV while Sweatshirt does dishes)


SWEATSHIRT: You know, you could help me out a bit.


RYAN: I’m tired, dude, I had to work all day today.


SWEATSHIRT: Doing what, we’re still not sure what you do!


RYAN: Let’s just say, I deliver pizza.


SWEATSHIRT: So you deliver pizza?


RYAN: Yeah, that sounds good.


SWEATSHIRT: That’s not an answer!


(Ryan gets up and walks over to Sweatshirt)


RYAN: Don’t worry about it, bro. You worried?


SWEATSHIRT: I’m worried you’re not helping with anything.


RYAN: I will. As soon as I’m back from an errand.


(Ryan heads for the door)


SWEATSHIRT: Pick up eggs while you’re gone.


RYAN: Can’t.


(Ryan opens the door and shuts it. Cut to Ethan sitting at a table in the ballroom at the fundraiser. He’s sitting next to Chexton and Rob. They all have champagne, and are listening to Wells Fargo CEO Timothy Sloane)


TIMOTHY: I swear, the President’s son is as stupid as they come. “Hey, do you want dirt on Hillary? The Russian Government would love to give it to you!” “Sure, do you wanna meet on camera?”


(They all laugh)


ETHAN: So, is little Donny gonna fall on the sword for big Donny?


CHEXTON: How does that conversation go?


ETHAN: “If you don’t become the patsy, no more sleep-overs in the White House”!


TIMOTHY: But, he wouldn’t get to have sleep-overs in the White House either way, because he’d be in prison?


ETHAN: He’s a Trump, he won’t think that much about it.




(They all laugh. Senator Feinstein comes over and sits down)


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: Sorry about that, I got pulled aside by a kind man who works for a defense contractor.


ETHAN: Lovely to meet you, Senator.


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: Likewise, Councilman.


ROB: Dianne, who do I have to blow to get a man’s drink around here?


(Feinstein chuckles)


ETHAN: Rob, please, call her “Senator”.


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: It’s fine, Ethan, Rob’s a friend.


ETHAN: …Really?


ROB: Yeah, ABC donates a lot of money to Dianne. And that’s where my reality show THRIVED.


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: I admit I have a soft spot for it.


(Ethan grinds his teeth)


ETHAN: Is that right?


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from politics and turn your mind off.


ROB: You are so right, girl. (Feinstein giggles) It’s called self-care, you kick your feet up, pour yourself some chardonnay, and watch My Four Exes Fight Over My Stuff on ABC, Wednesday at 6pm pacific, nine eastern.


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: Oh, I loved the episode where you had your ex slide topless on a slip and slide to get your coffee table.


ROB: It was fun shooting that. A lot of takes, though.


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: But I thought it was-


ROB: So, who do you think’s running in 2020? I think you’d be the perfect candidate, Dianne.


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: Oh, please. I’m eighty-four years old. By 2020, I’ll be 87, so if I served eight years, I’d be ninety-five by the time I left office.


ROB: You’re eighty-four? I could’ve swore you were 59.


(Feinstein chuckles)




ROB: I can’t stop telling the truth, that’s why California’s 25th needs me.


ETHAN: Urggggh. (Ethan clears throat) Sorry, I had something in my throat. Who else do you think would be good in 2020, Rob?


ROB: I like John Glenn. He’s an astronaut, it’s easy to take the American hero angle.


ETHAN: He died at the end of last year, Rob.


ROB: And there’s your sympathy angle.


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: I like Cory Booker.


ETHAN: Absolutely!


TIMOTHY: He’s fantastic. (Timothy raises his glass) To Cory Booker!


(They all raises their glasses and clink them together. They take sips of their drinks)


ETHAN: My ex-girlfriend thinks it should be Bernie Sanders.


ROB: He’s way too old.


ETHAN: You just said a 95-year old dead person should run.


ROB: Do you want Bernie to run?


ETHAN: Hell no, he’s not even a Democrat!


TIMOTHY: DAMN STRAIGHT!  (Timothy breaks the glass in his hand) I should go take care of that.


(Timothy wraps a table cloth around his hand and runs off. Rob  turns Ethan)


ROB: So, how are you, Ethan?


ETHAN: I’m great, thanks for asking, Rob. You seem very popular around here.


ROB: Aw, are you sad that you’re not? Don’t worry, you’re still very popular with my sister, from what I hear.


(Ethan glares at Rob)


ETHAN: Excuse me?


ROB: Don’t play dumb.


ETHAN: (Whispering) You need to tell me how you know.


ROB: When I was being briefed on this fundraiser by Vermont democrats, they mentioned it.


ETHAN: (Whispering) Well, how do they know?!


ROB: They don’t, it was just a rumor, but thanks for confirming it.


(Ethan closes his eyes)


ETHAN: Fuck.


(“Signed, Sealed, Delivered” by Stevie Wonder begins playing in the room)


ROB: Get your shit together, Donahue, or that lefty will grab your seat in three years.


(Cut to Dianne Feinstein on the dance floor)


SENATOR FEINSTEIN: Rob, come dance with me!

(Rob looks at Ethan)


ROB: Thanks for the endorsement. (Rob stands up and walks towards Feinstein) Let’s see them moves, Dianne!


ETHAN: God, I fucking hate him.


CHEXTON: I feel you, brother.


ETHAN: Fuck off, Graves.


CHEXTON: Yes, sir.


(Chexton stands up and leaves. Cut to Jacob rolling garlic knots in the kitchen at Shinebox Pizzeria. A waiter with a beard and Shinebox Pizza baseball cap is helping him)


WAITER: So, do you like music at all?


JACOB: Yeah, you know, I like music. I mean, most people do.


WAITER: Have you ever heard of Starving Orphan Massacre?


JACOB: Are they on Top 40 stations?


(The waiter laughs)


WAITER: Nah, man, they’re like a doom death band from Croatia, they’re-


JACOB: What’s your name again, man?




JACOB: Rich, you would probably get along with my brother.


RICH: But not you?


JACOB: Do you like sports, or video games?


RICH: I like video games.


JACOB: Do you like video games by Entertainment Arts?


RICH: Ah, I just saw a table come in, I’ll catch ya later, man.


(Rich walks away)


JACOB: That’s what I thought.


(Jesse walks in)


JESSE: You have a delivery up, Jacob.


JACOB: Cool. (Jacob walks over to the counter where they post the deliveries, behind the register. He sees the delivery says “CHRIS HAYES, 778 FULLERTON STREET, ZIP: 05482, 802-420-6969, 4  LARGE CHEESE PIZZAS, 2 TWO LITER BOTTLES OF SPRITE, SUBTOTAL: 86.25 TAX: 5.17 DELIVERY FEE: 2.00 TOTAL: 93.42 SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS: BRING A HANDLE OF WHATEVER YOU GOT (NOT 21 YET, I’LL PAY YOU BACK)”) Oh shit.


(Jacob turns to Jesse, who is loading up a delivery)


JESSE: What?


JACOB: Jesse, do you want to take this one?


JESSE: Nah, man. I’m delivering to Mayor Satch’s house, and I’m gonna need time to convince him to dismiss my parking ticket for taking up two handicapped spots.


(Jacob sighs)


JACOB: Alright…


JESSE: Why? Do you know that guy?


(Jacob looks at Jesse)


JACOB: I wish I didn’t. Tune in to MSNBC every week night at 8PM eastern to find out why. Or, I guess you’d have to meet him in person. (Cut to Jacob pulling up to Chris Hayes’ house. He gets out of the car and pulls a bag of pizzas and two sprites out of the car) I better get a good tip for this.


(Jacob walks up to the door and rings the doorbell. Immediately, Chris Hayes opens the door)


CHRIS HAYES: Holy shit! It’s my number one homie Jacob Donahue, how the fuck are ya, dude?


JACOB: I’m great, man. Here are your pizzas.


CHRIS HAYES: Yeah, follow me, I’ll show you where to put ‘em.


(Jacob sighs and follows Chris Hayes downstairs to his basement, where he has a flat screen television, Pulp Fiction, Fight Club and Jimi Hendrix posters, and an impractically tall bong on the coffee table)


JACOB: This place is very…basi-


CHRIS HAYES: Awesome, I know, it’s my Stoner Cave. Do you wanna guess how I get in here?


JACOB: Where do I put these pizzas?


CHRIS HAYES: Just put ‘em on the fold out. (Jacob takes the pizzas put and puts them on a folding table. He then puts a bottle of Sprite on the table as well) You know what that’s for, right?


JACOB: What? No.


CHRIS HAYES: That is for LEAAAAAN, my friend.


JACOB: Lean? Come on, man, you don’t do lean.


CHRIS HAYES: Not yet! (Chris Hayes jumps up on the couch) Let’s get slammed on lean and pillow fight, what do you say?


JACOB: Sorry, dude, I have to work. Like I am, right now. This is a business transaction.


(Chris Hayes jumps off the couch)


CHRIS HAYES: Come on, dude, say you got lost! Better yet, say you hung out with me, and then tell everyone!

JACOB: That wouldn’t-


(Chris Hayes pulls out a lighter)


CHRIS HAYES: I know you need a little weed in your life, Jacob.


JACOB: I don’t need anything, okay? Except cigarettes, I’m literally addicted to those.


(Chris Hayes gets closer to Jacob)


CHRIS HAYES: Come on, man, I have Cards Against Humanity we can play!

JACOB: Dude, there’s only two of us, and do you have the original or the expanded?


CHRIS HAYES: Fuck! Was I supposed to get the expanded?! (Chris Hayes turns away) You’re fucking this up, Chris Hayes. (Chris Hayes turns back to Jacob) We could get so high that we eat this pizza really fast and then watch a stupid movie, like, uhh, I don’t know, PLEASE JUST HANG OUT WITH ME!!


(Chris Hayes grabs Jacob by the arms)


JACOB: Chris Hayes, let go! This is not okay!




JACOB: I really don’t want people to know I was here, man!


(Chris Hayes grabs Jacob by the collar)




(Jacob pulls out his pocket knife)



(Chris Hayes puts his hands up and backs away)


CHRIS HAYES: Whoa, dude!




CHRIS HAYES: Bro. (Nervous laughter, then he wipes his brow) I was just dicking around with you, homo.


(Chris Hayes goes in for a nut tap, but Jacob points the knife at him)



(Chris Hayes puts his hands up)


CHRIS HAYES: It would just be friendly!

JACOB: I’m leaving!  (Jacob leaves the room. He then comes back in) Thank you for choosing Shinebox, have a great night.


(Jacob leaves. Cut to Ryan walking down a Tokyo street. He walks past someone reading a newspaper on a bench. The person coughs. Ryan stops and turns around. He walks over to the man. The man lowers his newspaper to reveal he’s a very elderly Japanese man, who starts coughing profusely)


RYAN: Sorry, never mind.


(Ryan walks away)


OLD MAN: ?????????????????!


(SUBTITLES: I have bad lungs, snowflake!)


(Cut to Ryan walking into a dark alley by a night club. A woman comes out of the shadows wearing a hoodie obscuring most of her face)


RYAN: Oh. Hi. You’re more slender than I- (The woman takes off her hoodie to reveal she is Sarah) goddamnit.


SARAH: What the hell!?


RYAN: Who told you?!


SARAH: Who do you think?


RYAN: Fucking Sen. Listen, it’s only temporary!


SARAH: You’re putting us in danger! Me, specifically. I’m a defenseless white woman who had to stand in a back alley waiting for like an hour.


RYAN: You didn’t HAVE to set this ruse up, you know?


SARAH: You didn’t HAVE to be so late!

RYAN: I’m a FUCKING drug dealer, I’m ALWAYS late!

(Sarah sighs)


SARAH: You have to stop. This is dangerous.


RYAN: Sarah, we live in a country where 88% of the population doesn’t speak English! How the fuck else am I supposed to make money, without speaking the universal language of weed!?


(Ryan pulls out a baggie of weed)


SARAH: We could pursue music.


RYAN: I have no band.


SARAH: We could be the band.


(Ryan squints)


RYAN: Like an obnoxious couple’s band?


SARAH: …Yeah. Like an obnoxious couple’s band. (Ryan raises an eyebrow) With a dark edge.


RYAN: And what? We’ll book a venue before we go back to America next month?


SARAH: Sen gave me an in at The Inn.


RYAN: …Don’t tell me “The Inn” is the name of a Japanese music venue-


(Cut to The Inn, a Japanese music venue. Ryan and Sarah are on stage in front of a microphone. Sarah is holding an acoustic guitar. The two are dressed in full-on goth attire, complete with black make-up, fish nets and white face make-up and spiked dog collars)


SARAH: This next one is an ode to the sun.


(The camera pans to the edge of the stage, where a Japanese man in a suit stands in front of a microphone with a spotlight on him)


JAPANESE MAN: ?????????????.


(SUBTITLES: This next one is an ode to the sun)


(His spotlight goes out as we pan back to Ryan and Sarah, who begin to sing in unison, into the same microphone. Sarah plays acoustic guitar)


RYAN & SARAH: Sun, sun, oh, miserable sun. Floating there, raining down light, on you run. Like a swinging lamp at the end of the day, can’t you take us out of our misery?


(Pause, as Sarah strums the acoustic guitar)


RYAN: Turn off that light, and let us float, with our fears and our wants all exalted. It’s clear to me now that the value of humanity has most assuredly halted.


SARAH: I once saw a man in the distance, tip himself over the horizon. It’s not clear to me.


RYAN: It’s not clear to me.


SARAH: It’s not clear to me what he had his eyes on.


RYAN: He was never seen again. Not alive. Not dead. Just stuck.


SARAH: He was just stuck. Eyes barely above quicksand. Starving.


RYAN: Being eaten.


SARAH: Controlled.


RYAN: Mistreated.


SARAH: Dragged.


RYAN: Torn.


SARAH: Exploited.


RYAN: Shorn.


RYAN & SARAH: Sun, sun, oh, miserable sun. Floating there, raining down light, on you run. Like a swinging lamp at the end of the day, can’t you take us out of our misery?


(Sarah ends with an outro acoustic guitar passage. Then they conclude, and bow, as people cheer and applaud. Pan to the translator, who again has the spotlight on him)


TRANSLATOR: ??????????????? ????????????-


(SUBTITLES: Sun, sun, oh, miserable sun. Floating there, raining down light-)


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah having dinner with Sen at a Tokyo restaurant)


SEN: You guys did so great out there, everyone in the audience dug you.


RYAN: We could tell. It was cool.


SARAH: We could be like Sonny and Cher.


RYAN: Come on, Sarah-su, don’t say that, we’re in public.


SEN: The Shogun will be very impressed when I tell him about this.


RYAN: Who’s the Shogun?


SEN: Hirohito.


(Ryan and Sarah squint)


SARAH: Wait…that’s not Hirohito from the Yakuza, right?


SEN: …I mean-


RYAN: You IMMEDIATELY answer that if it’s “no”!


SEN: Guys, I don’t know what he does, that’s not my business-


RYAN: Oh, my FUCK.


(Ryan covers his face and Sarah leans forward)


SARAH: You had us perform at a Yakuza-owned club, you crazy bitch!? NEVER mention that we performed to him, EVER! Are we clear?


SEN: Fine, fine! Jesus, I didn’t know it was such a “no-no” for you guys!


(Ryan uncovers his face)


RYAN: Should go without saying, Sen.


SEN: Let’s get round of beer.


(Sen beckons a waiter over)


SARAH: We’re still celebrating?


(Cut to former Hansbay Mayor Chapman speaking at the Democratic fundraiser in Los Angeles)


MAYOR CHAPMAN: And that’s the first time I met Ethan Donahue. He was a brutal right-winger then, he’s a reluctant left-winger now, but hey, at least he’s on our team. As the only black Mayor of any town in Vermont, and as one of the only black people in Vermont, I always could tell Ethan was one of the Republicans who valued treating people equally. I knew this in my heart. And my heart doesn’t lie to anyone but my wife. So. Without further ado, please welcome, City Councilman from the great city of Hansbay, Vermont, ETHAN DONAHUE!

(Mayor Chapman steps aside as people applaud for Ethan as he comes up onstage)


ETHAN: Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Working with you, or more accurately, working against you was one of the great pleasures of my life. (The audience laughs) I’m a newcomer to the Democratic Party, yes, but I believe fundamentally the Democratic Party is a force for good. A moderating force in American politics, tempering the racist, alt-right fervor of the Republican Party. (Applause) President Trump and his thugs in the White House are profiting off the Presidency, and actively obstructing justice in the investigation into Russia’s attack on our election and potential collusion. The Democratic Party has done none of these things. And I believe what defines the Democratic Party most is what it’s not. We are not the other guys. And that’s good. (Uproarious applause) Thank you. Thank you so much. (People start throwing roses onstage) Oh, you’re too kind. Thank you. (Ethan bows several times as the audience calms down) One of the dangerous Republicans we have in Congress right now is Representative Steve Knight, the fourth worst Steve in Washington. (Laughter) He is a climate change skeptic, he opposes the rights of our gay brothers and sisters, votes with Trump consistently, and has a terrible haircut. That is why. (Cut to Rob) I am here to say. (Cut to Chairman Bauman) that… (Cut to Ethan) I hope the Democrats can nominate someone great to beat him next November. (Cut to Rob throwing his hands up. Cut to Chairman Bauman shaking his head. Cut back Ethan) Thank you so much. Please keep giving us your money.


(Ethan walks off stage, as the crowd applauds. Cut to Rob walking after him)


ROB: I can leak the Kimberly story right now, you know!

ETHAN: Go ahead. I’ve been knocked down so many times and have gotten right back up. (Ethan turns to Rob) I’m going back to Vermont. If Luke wants to face me, I’ll face him. Otherwise, fuck the whole thing. I’m not running from this anymore. They can’t take my seat away for at least three years and I’m tired of people holding shit over my head.


ROB: Why don’t you like me?!


ETHAN: You’re an obnoxious, arrogant fuckbag, that’s why.


ROB: But I have success! Money! Semi-fame! Don’t you respect that at least?


ETHAN: The way you got it, sister? Not in the slightest.


(Ethan walks away. Cut to Jacob sitting in his car outside Shinebox Pizzeria, looking nervous)


NPR: Today is the six-month mark of the Trump Presidency, and the President is once again stirring up controversy. In addition to the unusually long meeting with President Putin at the G-20 two weeks ago, and the controversial e-mails Donald Trump Jr. received last summer about a meeting with a Kremlin-linked lawyer, Trump remarked in an interview with the New York Times that he would not have hired Attorney General Jeff Sessions if he knew he would’ve recused himself from the Russia investigation. Sessions maintained today he would not resign. President Trump warned Bob Mueller it would be a “violation” to look into his personal finances unrelated to Russia, and sources tell the Washington Post that the White House is attempting to discredit Mueller so they can justify firing him. The President is also reportedly asking his legal team about his pardon powers, and whether he could use them for his top aides, family members, and perhaps even, himself. This is NPR.


JACOB: Pardoning himself?! Well, fuck, that’s the ultimate conflict of interest, right?! What a fucking crook! Nut up and impeach him, Republicans! Mike Pence is waiting to shit all over hard-working Americans for you, if you could just trash the toddler psychopath then ObamaCare would get repealed tomorrow, I bet.


NPR: The President, in the last several days, have repeatedly urged Senate Republicans to continue pursuing a healthcare bill despite the effective failure of TrumpCare several days ago. But with Senator McCain’s recent brain cancer diagnosis, the outlook for the President’s agenda, seems bleak. Sources in the Republican conference point out, however, that President Trump was too busy playing with a firetruck at the White House on the day he needed to corral votes for TrumpCare.


JACOB: See what I mean!? (Jacob turns off the radio) Ugh. I’ve gotten so desperate to stall, I’m actually listening to the news. I need to go in there.


(Jacob gets out and walks into Shinebox. Jacob gets on a wall-mounted computer and returns driver on his delivery. He sees Shawn, and Shawn walks over to him)


SHAWN: Hey buddy, why’d that take so long?


JACOB: Oh, you know…why? What have you heard?


SHAWN: What have I heard? Dude, stop yellin’ at me.


JACOB: I’m not-


SHAWN: I’m just kidding, Jacob, relax.




SHAWN: You pulled a knife out on Chris Hayes-


JACOB: Listen, I’m so sorry, I was scared-


SHAWN: Almost everybody here has.


JACOB: …Really?!

SHAWN: Yeah. The only reason we haven’t banned him is his parents are rich and they get big orders.


JACOB: …Huh.


SHAWN: Don’t worry, bud, just remember to call me next time something like that happens, and let me know you might be late coming back.


JACOB: Okay.


SHAWN: Oh, and you have another order up there for Chris Hayes actually. Four boxes of Garlic knots and a Caesar salad, you know what, I’ll just take it.


JACOB: Yeah.


SHAWN: Let me borrow your knife, though.


JACOB: No problem, here you go.


(Jacob hands Shawn the knife. Cut to Ryan and Sarah sitting on couches in Sweatshirt’s apartment)


SARAH: Well, we’re nowhere now.


(Ryan gets a text, and checks it. It says “yo dude finally got time to meet up”. Ryan looks at Sarah)


RYAN: I still have this.


(Ryan gets up)


SARAH: Ryan!


RYAN: Sarah, it’s just some teenager who wants weed. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.


SARAH: How much weed do you have left?


RYAN: This is the last of it! People don’t like weed in Tokyo that much anyway.


SARAH: Then what is your customer base?


RYAN: Foreigners, mostly. A lot of Australians, too. Those guys stay sunburnt even here, it’s crazy.


SARAH: Just come back as quick as possible.


RYAN: Okay. Love you.


(Sarah looks up at Ryan)


SARAH: Love you, too.


(Ryan leaves. Cut to Ryan walking on the street. He approaches that same night club from earlier, but now several Tokyo police come out of it. Ryan immediately tries to nonchalantly walk to the other side of the street, but a car passes through, blocking his ability to do so)




(SUBTITLES: Stop right there!)


(Ryan turns around as the Tokyo police officer approaches him)


RYAN: Sir, I’m just crossing the street.


TOKYO POLICE OFFICER: ?????????????????????????!


(SUBTITLES: I don't know English, Yoshi, get over here)


(Another officer, Yoshi, comes over)


YOSHI: ??????????


(SUBTITLES: He only speaks English?)


TOKYO POLICE OFFICER: ?????????????????.


(SUBTITLES: Seems like he only speaks “idiot” to me)


(The two laugh)




(SUBTITLES: You want to translate?)


YOSHI: He just said you only speak idiot.


RYAN: What?


TOKYO POLICE OFFICER: ???????????? ?????????????????????.


(SUBTITLES: Not that part, Yoshi. Ask him to empty his pockets)


YOSHI: Empty your pockets.


RYAN: The fourth amendment clearly states, that-wait, do you guys have the fourth amendment here?


YOSHI: ???????.


(SUBTITLES: More idiot speak)


TOKYO POLICE OFFICER: ?????????????????????.


(Yoshi holds Ryan)




(The officer rummages through his pockets and finds a bag of weed)


TOKYO POLICE OFFICER: ?????? ??????????? ???????.


(SUBTITLES: Marijuana. You disgust me. Take him away)


(Yoshi grabs Ryan)




(Yoshi throws Ryan into the back of a Tokyo police car. Cut to black)



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