inside my head

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: The Lovers of The Words on Pages

Submitted: July 22, 2017

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Submitted: July 22, 2017

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It's there CONSTANTLY. 

Even when I'm alone but especially in the company of others. 

That voice in my head. That STUPID voice. The one that constantly tells me what I'm doing wrong, people are staring, stand up straight you're walking like a man, people are staring at the way you walk, you're so ugly people are staring, so many dead ends your hair is a mess people are staring, people are talking about you, those girls are laughing at your ugly clothes, laughing at your shoes, who even wears those anymore, stop being so awkward everyone is noticing it, you look so uncomfortable everyone can tell, you're friends don't even like you they just feel bad for you, what are you wearing?! People are staring, people are staring, people are staring.

The simplest tasks like running to the shop is terrifying. There's people EVERYWHERE. All staring and judging. Standing in the line waiting to buy a drink and some sweets the voice appears again. People are staring at you buying that much food they think you're fat. Everyone can see how awkward and uncomfortable you are they all think you're weird. 

Lying in bed at night trying to sleep and it's there. Reminding me of all the awkward things I've done and embarrassing moments, reminding me how everyone was laughing and  judging and calling me weird and although they didn't say it I could tell they think I'm weird. 

I don't fit in.

EVERYTHING is a struggle. Panic attack, after panic attack, after panic attack. Will it ever stop?

I can't control my emotions and I can't control the voice. It controls me. It decides what I can and can't do not only in social situations but what I can and can't do with my life. I want to try and get a job but every time I consider it the voice reminds me how awkward I would be, dealing with customers etc. How fat and ugly I would look in a uniform, how many people would stare and talk and judge me. 

The anxiety eats at me and at times  it gets so much that I literally can't deal with it, i feel like ripping off my skin and pulling my hair out please just leave me alone. I consider ending my life every single day because I don't know what to do and I don't know how to stop the numbness. I don't know how to get my life together I don't know how to go out and be normal and make friends and enjoy life I don't know how.

I've gotten so good at hiding it now that no one even knows, they think I just like to spend time alone and that I've just pushed every single one of my friends away because we've simply outgrew the friendship and drifted apart like what always happens but it's not what has happened. I can't do it I can't go out every weekend and pretend to enjoy myself and pretend I am fine when I am not. It's far easier to do it when you're alone because you don't have to hide. Even if I tried the voice wouldn't let me. Even now as I'm writing this it's there, telling me I shouldn't post this because people will judge and say I am attention seeking and what if my family sees? What then. I don't know I don't know what will happen but I need to tell someone I just don't know who and I don't know how so this is the only way I feel I can do it.


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