"Praying For Knowledge"

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
taken from my book, "Must You Find Out?"

Submitted: July 25, 2017

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Submitted: July 25, 2017

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"Praying For Knowledge"

-

I'd pray for the knowledge of what's wrong with me

But I think I already know thee answer

"I'm just not the type

__of who I like"

So

__that being said

"What can I do

__about that?"

"Not a damned thing"

__according to the rules

"I'm supposed to let go

__and let God change me

____for me"

Which

__I know

____will never happen

So I will continue to lack love

Where love is not given

To feel alone

Because I live in reality

To not know life without torture

Day after day

Night after night

Week after week

Month after month

Season after season

Year after year

Decade after decade

Era after era

But not century after century

But only because I won't live that long

They say my pills

Will keep me in control of my mind

But it won't keep me in control of my life

I can't even make plans for myself

Because when I do

__God only laughs at my plans

____and stops them

Alters them

I demand my rights to complain

But at the same time

__no one will give them to me

So my story remains untalked about

I'm supposed to just let

__God

____and the rest of the world

______walk all over me

But this isn't "happiness"

This is a "chaotic mess"

I can't begin to tell you

__how fucked up everybody is being

____fucking up my life

Because nobody wants to hear it

Nor read it

But I can't make the world happy

__and keep this all to myself

Or I'd be people pleasing

__and short circuiting my own recovery

And that's where life contradicts itself

"Change is not possible"

But "change is thee only way"

And all I can do is take the blame

But never get any better

The choices are never mine

And I can't even die

So jump out of my mind

Take a look out

And die inside

Looking at everything I see

__around me

I don't ge better

I just explain it better

And that's not how every one else's lives are

So that makes things unfair

But for me to make that clear to any one

Would only leave me

__looking like I'm playing the victim

Which would make me a target

__for ridicule

____and shame

And scramble the words

__all up in my brain

Causing me to believe them

And whatever words those are

Would be thee authority

Of my plain

__useless

____pointless existence

That I don't even have the right

__to call a "life"

-

07-24-'17

D. L. Cannon


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