My Best Friend Alec Baldwin

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Nothing like finding out you're the next messiah to make you feel the real need to go out for a beer.

Submitted: July 28, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 28, 2017



My Best Friend Alec Baldwin

George found himself in a lit room with no windows or doors or light sources. He was seated in a Mid-19th Century German made brown vinyl recliner. He perused the room and found it to be very similar to his childhood room save for the absence of doors and windows and furnishings. He felt the need to stand up and look around but as he went to get out of the chair he heard foot steps approach behind him.
“Hello?” George said as Alec Baldwin stepped past the chair and stopped in front of him.
“Hello, George.” said Alec Baldwin
“You’re Alec Baldwin.” George said.
“No,” said Alec Baldwin, “I’m a being of light who is technically of the same time period as you, however, my species came about thousands of years after your kind went extinct. You see, I was able to ascertain from what you and your evolutionary equivalents would only know as particles and light impressions, the most fitting human celebrity to host you; given the era, nation of origin, and ethnic composition of your original. And just so you are not left wondering where your projection currently is, I’m telling you now that you are safe in Brett’s truck, tripping on LSD harder than either of the men with you ever have come close to.”
George said nothing.
“I know all of this seems strange but I want to assure you that you are not in harms way and are encouraged to speak and ask questions freely as you would with a friend or teacher.”
“Tripping? Fuck. Am I dead? Didn’t the police kill me?” George finally asked.
“Oh you really needn’t worry yourself with the police, George. Look past your immediate fear and anxiety and try to let yourself be curious. Don’t you want to know where you are?”
“I remember before I was here the police came into the nurses office and hit me in the head or something. I don’t know if I’m alive or you’re the devil or-“
“George,” Alec Baldwin interjected, “Look to a point on the wall…any point.”
George looked straight in front of him and stared at the navy blue paint on the wall and saw himself on his phone, sitting in the nurses office in the hospital, and flipping through photos of half naked women. Suddenly a swarm of police burst through the glass and shot George with a taser which rendered him unconscious.
“Hospitals and police raids; my goodness, the thrill!” Alec Baldwin said, such an amazing mind you have…so riddled with emotion and experience that you’re head played on past your body like a film at the sheer sight of me.”
George again said nothing.
“To be quite honest It is not strictly scientific the purpose of my bringing you here. The sight of my true form could easily put your kind into a coma and my language could never be comprehended by a human being. I and my team are what you would call an anomaly. In a society that has evolved past the need or desire for perfection I’ve found a new hope for it. The perfection of the human being. The only species in the history of the universe capable of perfection and also perfect disarray. Even the basic need for imperfections in what humans considered perfection was, in a sense, perfect for humans and their cognitive abilities.”
“Humans can never be perfect.” George said.
“True!” said Alec Baldwin, “But humanity can be improved drastically, like a parabolic curve of negativity that never lands on an axis. In fact, it was only the desire for a perfection that they could not truly comprehend that led humanity to a fall from perfection…Let me put it this way, because the English from your time and region is not my strong-suit: Perfection is merely the continuation of an historical average of activity. A woman bleeds and is in pain every month and that is considered perfect for a young healthy human female.
“I want to go home.” George said, “I feel sick.”
“Oh no no no, George. I want you to hear about where you are headed. I need you to know the true nature of your current spirit of existence even if only for a short while so you can re-learn it all, and more, during your lifetime.
George puked and watched the light green chunks fall through the floor.
“You see, George you are going to have one hell of a life and my team and I are making sure of it. You will never be murdered or maimed or have any other stress or harm other than what is necessary to keep you authentically human. You’re experiences with certain works of art such as the writings of Aldous Huxley and movies such as The Matrix were created to guide you down a very specific path. The very notion of the psychedelic did not even exist in the time or world of your original.” Alec Baldwin knelt down next to George, “And from them you will build something incomprehensible. Universally desirable.”
“So Aldous Huxley is one of you?” George asked.
“You don’t seem to be understanding; and that is to be expected, but the reality is that a man named Aldous Huxley never existed. We wrote him into your history for a purpose. Your mother and father and your friends and…romantic interests…” as Alec Baldwin said this a vision appeared before George and he saw in it every sexual act with every person that he had ever experienced, at which, he puked again. “All of it was designed by us to guide you to something that will further a cause that will have profound benefits to our worlds.”
George began crying, “I must be out of my mind. I can’t help but think that I’m dreaming or I’m on a show. I-I don’t even have a word for this.
“But you do!” Alec Baldwin stood up and exclaimed, “And that’s exactly right. What you’re experiencing here is being molded by your cognition to fit into a reality that your consciousness can digest. Although my words don’t directly translate so it is near impossible to help you more fully understand this sort of mumbo-jumbo, but I think you’ll find it amusing that your experiences with the HBO series West World is precisely why Anthony Hopkins was not used as a host…that and Silence of the Lambs.
“My mother and father. My friends. None of it is real.” George stared blankly into his lap.
Alec Baldwin walked around behind the chair, “Oh they are real beings, George. Everyone in your life and even those in your world simply put there to influence you all have personality archetypes based on real people from human history and were re-programmed by us. As a matter of fact, I designed the personalities of your closest friends; the ones that will always come back to you, as it were. George, you’re an eskimo trying to dream up a sandy beach.”
“And Eskimos can never dream of sandy beaches.” said George.
George looked over to a smiling Alec Baldwin.
“Although these friends you have were not nearly as carefully curated as your mother and father,” a voice came from behind the chair again.
“Oh George you’re in for a treat, I’d like you to meet-“
“Jodie Foster,” George looked at her in disbelief, “My mother is Jodie Foster?”
“And father,” Jodie Foster laughed, “It was chosen carefully.”
George put his head in his hands, “I’m never gonna come back from this.”
“Oh don’t even worry about that. We will only allow the existential stress of this to go so far into your psyche,” said Alec Baldwin, “Like I said, you are not in harms way and we have ways of being able to accurately gage the amount of stress you can experience without mental deterioration. You’re far too important to our work.”
“I don’t understand, if you want to make a better world, why would you give humanity a science to be understood or multiple religions?”
Alec Baldwin and Jodie Foster looked at each other and laughed
“Every time,” Alec Baldwin said, wagging a finger at Jodie Foster.
“Forgive us, but we’ve spoken with many humans and we have this joke about how no matter whether or not they care for it in their lives, for some reason, they always ask about it here.” said Jodie Foster.
“It’s a very interesting case, your humanity.” said Alec Baldwin. “We came about this close to scrapping it and using the world we gave you as a power source, but around the time that we built the pyramids, a chain of events shattered our previous understanding of human life and the manners in which our kind could participate.
“It may be hard to believe but I was once the head of conceptualized religion for the re-organic human here in our world.” said Jodie Foster.
“Catchy title, huh?” said Alec Baldwin.
Jodie Foster rolled her eyes and continued, “Myself as well as a few others realized quickly that existential trust was not only helpful but necessary for the health and happiness of human individuals as well as their society. Once people gained enough cognition and a fear of death they scrambled to our newly formed religions, the Gods of which, have obviously always been modeled after us; Immortal, All-seeing, and we added all knowing even though as you’ve learned this is not entirely true of our kind.”
George sat in what he now realized was his great grandfather’s chair, in awe.
“What brought us both back into the interest was the possible extension of, the previously thought perfected, messiah theory.” said Jodie Foster. “Although, obviously we don’t call it that, we’ve tried countless different ways of introducing our light to humanity; introducing different forms of belief at different periods of history or-“
“Pardon me but before you continue, you might be intrigued, George, at how different history goes when the wasps of North America and Europe are introduced to a much newer and more fashionable Islam instead of Christianity.
He paused for a moment, “They call them wasms.” Alec Baldwin howled.
“Talk about catchy.” Jodie Foster laughed. The two calmed themselves down and turned back to George who relaxed in his chair.
“Apologies, George.” said Alec Baldwin, “We have a lot of fun with humor as most of our kind are not biologically capable of finding things f-“
“And on a serious note,” Jodie Foster interjected, “We believe we found a missing part of conceptualized religion and our messiah theory that made unity impossible in every scenario.” She looked deep into George’s eyes, “That’s the edge we’ve given you, son.”
“And believe me,” said Alec Baldwin, “Once you fully realize your destiny, the existence of the other faiths will be a non-issue.”
They turned to George with confident postures and bright smiles.
“This just makes no sense to me,” George said, “I-I mean I’m not even that successful or smart. I-“
“Now now, that will all come in due time.” Jodie Foster said. “The other chosen ones from your world all thought the same thing, but were all able to more or less achieve part of their purpose. Our real goal. The one that is constantly evolving, which excites us tremendously.”
“If there’s one thing we’ve learned about humans it’s that anyone can be anyone.” said Alec Baldwin.
George lifted his face, “and what if I don’t want any of it? What are you going to do if I go back and kill myself.”
Alec Baldwin drew a deep breath and met eyes with Jodie Foster, “We are running out of time so i’ll just show you,” Alec Baldwin pulled George up by his arm and they walked towards a door that appeared behind the chair, “I want you to picture yourself as the exception, and this,” Alec Baldwin swung open the door, “As the rule.”
The bodies were so plentiful from the doorway that they looked like grains of sand painted over an endless canvas.
“Most people from the first human history, at least the originals we could salvage chose what you suggested.” Jodie Foster said.
“Those are people,” George said. “You are truly the cruelest most evil beings God ever made.”
“We have been your God. Who created them, we may never know. That’s what you will come to understand. And furthermore, who are we cruel to?” Alec Baldwin said, “The best things the current humanity can hope for is a good life and death with dignity. You see, we’re not here to study the psychological suffering of children who die of starvation or exceptional people who become afflicted before they can reach greatness. None of these things are part of our plan. None of these things are what we hope to eventually integrate ourselves with”
“This is twisted.” George said.
Jodie Foster grabbed George by the arms, “Think on the enigmatic ideas that stick in your world, among your people, that are never appreciated until suddenly…they’ve been there forever. No one knows anything about their origins and therefore no one learns anything.” Jodie Foster let go of George, “Don’t you want to change that?”
George looked down at his hands that were by this time turning white.
Alec Baldwin nodded at Jodie foster before turning to George, “Be a part of a greater humanity than the one that existed and exists. One with real truths and tangible Gods, George.” Alec Baldwin placed his hand on George’s back and led him back behind the door, “Be the eskimo that dreams of sandy beaches.”
















“Wake up, man” Brett said
“Jesus. What happened to him?” Randall said
“All those tabs, oh man, we have to get him to a hospital.” Brett said.
“No! not a hospital,” George said waking up suddenly in Brett’s truck outside of a 7/11.
“Fuckssake man, I’m never dropping with you again, Geo.” Randall said
“What? is he fine now?” said Brett. He heard George groan, “Fucking told you, he’s chillin’”
“Dude, man you had me so shook, bro,” Randall said, “You were babbling about aliens watching you masturbate and shit. Like for real; foaming at the mouth and shit.”
“He wasn’t foaming at the mouth, dumbass.” said Brett.
The chatter continued among the boys as George sat up slowly in the backseat, “I had this feeling I figured it all out and then…then…”
George opened up the door and puked onto the street. In his vomit he saw a vision of lifeless human bodies strewn across an endless shore. The sight made him shutter and he was unable to move for a moment before speaking,
“Is Alec Baldwin famous?”
Brett and Randall looked at each other and howled, “Gone!” in unison.
“Well Goddamn, I’m glad you’re back. I hope you at least got something out of it.” Brett said as he got out of the truck.
Randall opened his door and got out of the truck before turning back to George, “You want a beer?”



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