The Donahues Episode 270

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan and Ashton find themselves in the same Japanese jail cell, and they discuss how exactly they got into, and how exactly they plan to get out of, this jam

Submitted: July 30, 2017

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Submitted: July 30, 2017

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THE DONAHUES

 

“THESE WALLS”

 

TV-MA DLV

 

“I remember you was conflicted. Misusing your influence. Sometimes I did the same. Abusing my power, full of resentment. A resentment that turned into a deep depression”

  • Kendrick Lamar

 

(We start with Ryan sitting in a Japanese jail cell with a sleeping Japanese man on the other side of the room. Ryan is sitting on one of the beds, looking out the window. Ryan looks down at the ground and sighs. He rubs his eyes)

 

RYAN: I’m so fucked.

 

(Two prison guards come over)

 

PRISON GUARD: Hey! American boy! (Ryan looks up) You get transfer!

 

RYAN: …To where?

 

PRISON GUARD: Another cell! Get up!
 

(Ryan gets up and walks over as the guard unlocks the cell. Ryan is let out and the other guard puts him into handcuffs. As they lead Ryan down the hall, one of the guards takes out a wad of yens and hands half of the yens to the other guard)

 

PRISON GUARD 2: ?????.

 

(SUBTITLES: Thanks)

 

RYAN: What’d you say?

 

PRISON GUARD: Mind your own beeswax, criminal scum!
 

RYAN: How do you know that saying?

 

PRISON GUARD: Shut up.

 

(They arrive at the cell Ryan is being transferred to. Ashton is sitting inside of it)

 

RYAN: Whoa. What the hell?!

 

ASHTON: Oh, hi, Ryan.

 

RYAN: Guys, you can’t put me in here!
 

PRISON GUARD: No more words! Get in!
 

(The guard opens the door, uncuffs Ryan and pushes him in there)

 

RYAN: No, hold on! (They shut the door, as Ryan hangs onto the bars. They walk away) I can’t be with this guy!!! He’s a, he’s a rapist!!

 

ASHTON: I am not!

 

(Ryan turns to him)

 

RYAN: I was only saying that to get their attention.

 

ASHTON: That’s how rumors get started, you should be careful.

 

(Ryan sighs and sits on the bed)

 

RYAN: Why did they transfer me anyway?

 

ASHTON: They must’ve been making room.

 

RYAN: I was already bunkmates with someone!

 

ASHTON: They probably thought we were a better match. Did you have to fill out a bunkmate compatibility form like I did?

 

RYAN: Shut up. What the hell are you doing here?! I thought you left the country!

 

ASHTON: Why?

 

RYAN: I don’t know, actually. I just assumed you would, because of the whole marriage thing.

 

ASHTON: No, I stuck around. Started a new life, you know?

 

RYAN: Ugh. (Ryan lies down on the bed) What have you been doing?

 

ASHTON: I started a flower shop.

 

(Ryan scoffs)

 

RYAN: No, you didn’t.

 

ASHTON: …You’re right, I didn’t. I sold heroin outside a methadone clinic.

 

RYAN: Jesus! (Ryan sits up) You are a real piece of shit, you know that?

 

ASHTON: Well, you’re in here with me, so.

 

RYAN: Not for that! (Ryan stands up) You ruined my life, you know that?

 

ASHTON: You ruined your life, Ryan. I just, helped you do it. (Ryan shakes his head and looks out the barred window) And I loved every minute of it.

 

RYAN: You’re not helping your case.

 

ASHTON: The difference between you and I is, I don’t even try to help myself sleep at night. I do this because I’m good at it.

 

RYAN: Well, then why are you in here? (Ryan turns to Ashton) You must’ve gotten caught, right?

 

ASHTON: No, Ryan, I’m just renting the place out for a while.

 

RYAN: How’d you get caught?

 

ASHTON: I mean, you can only hide in the bushes outside the methadone clinic for so long before they catch on.

 

RYAN: It sounds like you’re not that good at this.

 

ASHTON: It was desperation, okay? The Yakuza have so much territory I can’t violate, I had to find a place that they had not touched.

 

(Ryan shakes his head)

 

RYAN: You could have gotten a job at Freshness Burger.

 

ASHTON: I never give up, bro. I have a criminal empire, you know. I run a water park in Hansbay!

 

(Ryan furrows his brow)

 

RYAN: What?

 

ASHTON: Yeah. It’s all a front for drug stuff, but it’s there!
 

RYAN: Sure you do, dude.

 

(Ryan sits down)

 

ASHTON: You don’t have to believe me. (Ashton sits up against the wall) It’s true. I’m a self-made man. You see these other fucks? Roaming around this jail like they own the place? They answer to a man, and that man answers to a man, all the way up to God. I don’t answer to anyone, especially not God.

 

RYAN: You answered to the Yakuza?

 

ASHTON: And I should THANK YOU for yanking me out of that shit. They’re assholes! (Ashton starts tapping his fingers on the bed) Who do you answer to, huh?

 

RYAN: …My girlfriend.

 

ASHTON: I don’t need those either. (Ashton taps his fingers some more) They’re just another boss to answer to.

 

RYAN: You prefer to, what? Fuck bitches? Love ‘em and leave ‘em?

 

ASHTON: That’s right. Letting people get too close is a dangerous game. Just feed your dick every once in a while, and you’re fine.

 

(Ashton taps his fingers further)

 

RYAN: …You seem a little nervous, Ashy.

 

ASHTON: They took away my ciggies before I came in here. It’s fuckin’ bullshit.

 

(Ashton stands up and looks out the window and starts tapping his foot)

 

RYAN: …You should quit, you know. Or, don’t. I actually don’t give a fuck.

 

(Ashton turns to Ryan)

 

ASHTON: Do you have some?

 

RYAN: No, I don’t smoke.

 

ASHTON: FUCK. (Ashton jumps on the bed and buries his head in the pillow) I HATE THIS PRISON!!!

 

(Ryan rolls his eyes)

 

RYAN: Don’t throw a fit.

 

(Ashton sits up)

 

ASHTON: I’m gonna ask the guards for some. (Ashton bangs on the bars) HEY! GUARDS!!! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!!

 

RYAN: Dude, why would they give you cigarettes if they took them away?!
 

(A Japanese guard comes over)

 

JAPANESE GUARD: What you want?!

 

ASHTON: If I don’t get a pack of Newports, I’m gonna scream.

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Newport?

 

ASHTON: CIGARETTES! (Ashton puts his fingers to his lips) SMOKEY SMOKEY!!!

 

RYAN: Come on, dude, that’s racist.

 

JAPANESE GUARD: You scream?

 

ASHTON: I’ll scream! I’ll do it!
 

(The guard sighs)

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Be right back.

 

(The guard walks away, as Ashton turns to Ryan)

 

ASHTON: That’s the Art of the Deal.

 

RYAN: Considering our President’s maturity level, you may be right about that.

 

ASHTON: We don’t have a President, honey, we have a Prime Minister. (Ashton sits on the bed) Although I guess you’ll be back in America before you know it.

 

RYAN: What do you mean? Do you think they’re gonna deport me?

 

ASHTON: Dude, there-

 

RYAN: Also, did you just call me “honey”?!

 

ASHTON: Dude, there’s a huge stigma against drug use in Japan. You’re gonna get deported. And probably never allowed back in.

 

(Ryan rubs his temples)

 

RYAN: …Fuck. But, but, but- what about Sarah?! What about the program I’m taking?!

 

ASHTON: Hey, dude, I’m not an oracle. You’re gonna have to figure that shit out.

 

(The guard comes back with a pack of Newports and a book of matches)

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Here! Take!

 

(Ashton takes the pack and the book of matches)

 

ASHTON: Thanks, bro. (Ashton extends his fist for the guard to pound it, but he just walks away) Rude. (Ashton sits down, strikes a match, takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth. He lights it, and exhales, as he throws the match aside) Ah, that’s the stuff. It’s cool not to have that butane taste.

 

RYAN: Wait, doesn’t this mean you’re also going to be deported?

 

ASHTON: Yeah, but I’m going to Germany. Gonna start a chain of brothels. The Munich Munch House. The Berlin Balls. I’m workshopping names.

 

(Ryan puts his head in his hands. While Ryan’s not looking, Ashton takes a cigarette from the pack, and he takes a vial of substance from his pocket and pours it into the cigarette, and puts it front end up in the pack and quickly puts the vial back in his pocket. Ryan looks up)

 

RYAN: This is a nightmare.

 

ASHTON: I feel for ya, bro. I’m on your side.

 

RYAN: Shut up, no you’re not.

 

ASHTON: You want a cig? (Ryan shakes his head) Are you sure? It takes the stress away. It’s not like you have anything left to lose anyhow. I mean, shit, who cares about your lungs at this point?

 

RYAN: Nah, man, I’m okay, I almost got addicted six months ago. And I need my lungs, I’m a singer.

 

ASHTON: Everyone knows smoking makes your voice sound badass.

 

RYAN: I don’t need the help.

 

(Ashton sighs)

 

ASHTON: …You know how I got started doing what I do?

 

RYAN: …I don’t care.

 

ASHTON: I saw a market need. Specifically, a bunch of tweaking Hansbay High students coming out of the bathroom sniffing.

 

RYAN: What a savvy businessman you are.

 

ASHTON: But the reason I made it to the top is, I went the extra mile.

 

RYAN: Smoking that cigarette helps me go the extra mile?

 

ASHTON: You’re damn right it does.

 

RYAN: Dude, I’m taking a nap. Jesus, you’re insufferable.

 

(Ryan lays down on the bed. Ashton sighs and takes a drag off his cigarette. Cut to Ashton putting the poisoned cigarette back into the pack, front first. Ashton puts the pack into his pocket, and goes over to look out the window. Cut to Ryan, who is still clearly awake. He is trying to remove dirt from his fingernails. Ryan sits up. Ashton looks over)

 

ASHTON: Oh, I thought you were taking a nap?

 

RYAN: I’m not tired, I just hate you.

 

(Ashton laughs)

 

ASHTON: Alright, buddy. We’re stuck in here, so, we might as well do something.

 

RYAN: Yeah, like what?

 

ASHTON: Share secrets?

 

(Ryan rolls his eyes)

 

RYAN: Can’t I just be in solitary confinement? At least there, it’s quiet. And dark. Honestly, it sounds great.

 

ASHTON: When I was a really small kid, like three years old, I would steal stuff from my mom’s purse.

 

RYAN: What stuff?

 

ASHTON: Just anything. Keys, wallets, pepper spray, I just liked to take stuff.

 

RYAN: Hm. I would steal her medication. She was depressed for a while, and I also happened to be, so I took her meds.

 

ASHTON: Did she notice?

 

RYAN: No, it was my dad who wanted her to take them, and she didn’t actually take them very often. She was none the wiser.

 

ASHTON: How old were you?

 

RYAN: Twelve.

 

ASHTON: I was never depressed as a kid. Or ever, actually. My life rules, if you think about it.

 

RYAN: I really don’t want to. Also, man, you’re in jail, right now, so-

 

ASHTON: Yeah, but I’ll be in Germany selling women before you know it.

 

RYAN: Don’t call it “selling”, dude.

 

ASHTON: Sorry, Mr. PC, “marketing women’s bodies”. Are you happy?

 

RYAN: No, Ashton, I’m not. Do they have not have the right to a fair and speedy trial in this country? I’ve been in here for DAYS!

 

ASHTON: Let me ask the guard. (Ashton walks over the bars) GUARD!!!!

 

RYAN: Jesus Christ.

 

(The guard walks over)

 

JAPANESE GUARD: What you want?

 

ASHTON: Could you bring us food? It’s almost dinner time.

 

RYAN: What?

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Be right back.

 

(The guard walks away, as Ashton throws his finished cigarette out the window)

 

RYAN: You didn’t ask about the trial thing!
 

(Ashton turns to Ryan)

 

ASHTON: Oh, sorry, I got distracted by how hungry I am. I’m sure he’s bringing you some grub too. It’s gonna be LIT.

 

(Ashton dabs and hops on his bed)

 

RYAN: How do you maintain that obnoxious bro positivity all the time? How do you not let things get to you?

 

ASHTON: Dude, I’m a psychopath. I thought you knew this.

 

RYAN: I mean, I did, but-

 

ASHTON: Well, that’s the answer. If you don’t care about others, you find that life gets a whole lot easier.

 

RYAN: Well, that’s…I can’t do that.

 

ASHTON: That’s why you’re weak. (Ryan glares at Ashton) Ayn Rand says caring for the self takes priority above all else.

 

RYAN: Have you read her books?

 

ASHTON: No, but I figure they justify my worldview.

 

RYAN: What happened to your apartment in Tokyo, by the way?

 

ASHTON: Some girls are looking after it for me.

 

RYAN: But you’re gonna get deported?

 

ASHTON: Oh yeah. So, I guess it’s theirs now. If they sell it, I better get that money.

 

RYAN: ...Other people are really important to me. I can’t let them go.

 

ASHTON: But don’t they keep hurting you?

 

RYAN: …No, I mostly hurt them. But things were going great with Sarah! But now my stupid actions are forcing me thousands of miles from her. FUCK.

 

(Ryan puts his head in his pillow)

 

ASHTON: Oh, Ryan. You guys were gonna break up anyway, don’t worry about how it happened.

 

(The Guard walks to the cell with two plates of fried rice, fried fish, and miso soup. He slips the dishes underneath the cell door, and Ashton picks them up, quietly puts the two plates on his bed, and reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes)

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Enjoy, fuckers.

 

(The Guard walks away. Ryan looks up)

 

ASHTON: (Under his breath) Shit.

 

RYAN: I don’t like that guy. Give me the plate.

 

(Ashton hands Ryan the dish)

 

ASHTON: There.

 

RYAN: Wow, this is a fancy jail. They serve authentic Japanese food here?

 

ASHTON: It’s a Japanese jail, it’s authentic Japanese prison food.

 

RYAN: Still better than authentic American prison food.

 

(Ryan stares at Ashton)

 

ASHTON: …What?

 

RYAN: Turn around.

 

ASHTON: Oh, right. Jesus, you and your social anxieties.

 

(Ashton turns around, as Ryan starts eating. Ryan stops for a second as Ashton begins to turn his head slightly)

 

RYAN: No fucking peeking!

 

(Ashton cocks his head forward)

 

ASHTON: You care so much about what others think of you, my God.

 

(Ryan slurps on some soup)

 

RYAN: Maybe a sense of shame would do you some good too, Ashton.

 

ASHTON: No regrets, cuz. Regrets make you reconsider your future actions, and then you can’t do all the awesome stuff you did ever again. Imagine going to an amusement park and regretting it!
 

RYAN: You are so far-removed from understanding how humans are supposed to work it’s crazy.

 

(Ashton takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth)

 

ASHTON: Yeah, because you’re real normal. Making me look away and shit. (Ashton lights his cigarette and exhales the smoke) Are you almost done?

 

RYAN: Almost. This shit is better than a lot of Japanese restaurants in America, you know.

 

(Ashton takes a drag)

 

ASHTON: Still not as good as what the Yakuza used to serve me.

 

(Ashton eats a bit of his food. Ryan finishes his food)

 

RYAN: Turn back around. (Ashton turns to Ryan) What was so great about the Yakuza?

 

ASHTON: Nothing really. Those guys were just a means to an end. Great guys, though. Those dudes were like family.

 

(Ryan stands up, putting his plates aside)

 

RYAN: So, which is it? Were they a “means to an end” or were they “like family”?

 

(Ashton takes a drag)

 

ASHTON: Both.

 

RYAN: Jesus, Ashton, are you still working for them?!
 

ASHTON: Come on, of course not. That whole thing with what’s-her-name happened. They never want to see my ass again.

 

RYAN: Then why were we jailed together?

 

ASHTON: Whaaat?

 

RYAN: What are the odds that we would be jailed together!? Why was I even transferred?!

 

ASHTON: Coincidence? I think so.

 

(Ryan shakes his head)

 

RYAN: What’s really going on, Ashton?

 

ASHTON: Dude, I know you probably have cabin fever, but you’re harshing my tobacco buzz. (Ashton takes a drag) Now take a chill pill. I could actually sell you some once we get out of here.

 

RYAN: No! Never!

 

ASHTON: Dude, just relax.

 

(Ryan shakes his head)

 

RYAN: …I have my eye on you, Delay.

 

(Ryan sits on his bed)

 

ASHTON: Oh no.

 

(Ashton takes another drag, and keeps eating his food)

 

RYAN: Just know that I’m deceptively strong.

 

ASHTON: No, you’re not.

 

RYAN: I’m not, but I’m crafty. Like that kid from Home Alone. I once tricked a kid into walking into a hole on the ground, right outside my elementary school playground. And I told him he was my new husband. And then he punched me and left.

 

ASHTON: What are you going to do when you get back to America, Ryan?

 

RYAN: I’m gonna try to contact Sarah first, try to get her back here. Then I’ll try to get my money back for the music class I attended.  Shit, Sarah will have to finish her class over there, so I’ll have to wait a few weeks before she can come back.

 

ASHTON: What will your parents think?

 

RYAN: They’ll be very pissed.

 

ASHTON: They will feel ASHAMED of you.

 

(Ryan furrows his brow)

 

RYAN: …I think they’ll be more angry than anything else-

 

ASHTON: Angry and ashamed.

 

RYAN: What’s your point?!

 

ASHTON: My point is…the world judges people like us.

 

RYAN: You and I are not-

 

ASHTON: Stop denying it, Ryan, we have this conversation all the time, we’re very similar. We’re different, but we’re similar. You hate me because of how much I remind you of yourself.

 

(Ryan grinds his teeth)

 

RYAN: Even if that’s true, you’re a way worse person than I am.

 

ASHTON: The world puts that shit on us, man, we’re just trying to get by like anybody else. Why did you sell drugs in Tokyo?

 

RYAN: Because I couldn’t get another job.

 

ASHTON: Exactly! That’s not on you. GUARD!
 

(The Japanese guard comes over)

 

JAPANESE GUARD: What you want?!

 

ASHTON: Get me a small whiteboard and a dry-erase.

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Okay, be right back.

 

(The guard walks away)

 

RYAN: My God, he’s like your servant!
 

ASHTON: I’ll show you how shit goes down.

 

RYAN: I don’t want to hear this, okay?

 

ASHTON: You NEED to hear this so you can stop lying to yourself!

 

RYAN: The lies make me feel warm inside, Ashton, don’t take them away!

 

ASHTON: I’m taking you to truth school, prepare yourself.

 

(The guard comes back and hands Ashton a white board and a dry erase marker)

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Don’t be long!

 

RYAN: Hey, could I get a Monster Energy Drink?

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Fuck you!
 

(The guard walks away as Ryan throws his hands up)

 

ASHTON: Alright, so, this is your body. (Ashton draws a stick figure on the board) Accurate down to your weight.

 

RYAN: Okay.

 

ASHTON: You need drugs.

 

(Ashton draws an arrow going towards the head and writes “drugs” above it)

 

RYAN: Come on, that’s disputable.

 

ASHTON: No. So anyway, you need drugs put into your body, because, boo-hoo, emotional bullshit-

 

(Ashton draws a cloud over Ryan and labels it “emotional bullshit”)

 

RYAN: Dismissive!

 

ASHTON: And so then you begin to associate drugs with help, what you assure yourself is temporary help, so then you subconsciously reason, in the part of the brain known as the subconscious- (Ashton puts a circle over the back of the brain and labels it “subconscious”) that if taking drugs helped you out, selling drugs must also help you out. Because your whole life revolves around drugs. (Ashton draws circles around Ryan) Your mind is on drugs all the goddamn time. And for some people, it’s alcohol, for others, like me, it’s tobacco- (Ashton draws a cigarette) and for others, it’s alcohol. (Ashton draws a bottle labeled “XXX”) And for others still, it’s Game of Thrones, because that show is addictive, have you watched it?

 

RYAN: No, and don’t start talking about it!

 

ASHTON: Oh, it’s great.

 

RYAN: I know, I know, I know! Jesus, shut up about it!
 

ASHTON: Do you see what I’m saying, Ryan?

 

(Ryan stands up)

 

RYAN: Yes! Yes, okay?! You’re right! Are you happy?! My life revolves around drugs, and it has for six years! It’ll probably always be like that too!

 

ASHTON: I use that to my advantage is what I’m saying. So can you. If you come to Munich with me, we can rule the world.

 

(Ryan furrows his brow)

 

RYAN: Are you fucking kidding me? Why would I go ANYWHERE with you?!

 

ASHTON: Ryan, this was all a set-up to kill you.

 

RYAN: …What?

 

ASHTON: The Yakuza paid off the prison guards to put you in here with me. So I could kill you.

 

RYAN: What the fuck, was my food poisoned or something?

 

ASHTON: No, I haven’t done it yet.

 

RYAN: You fucking bastard! You ARE with the Yakuza!! (Ryan points his finger) I FUCKING KNEW IT!

 

ASHTON: I’m providing you an “out”.

 

RYAN: Yeah, exactly, you’re gonna kill me!
 

ASHTON: No, not that kind of “out”.

 

RYAN: How are you gonna do it?!

 

ASHTON: Well, first the cigarette, then the food, but neither worked out.

 

RYAN: Why does Yakuza want me dead?!

 

ASHTON: You hacked into their computers!

 

RYAN: I didn’t do that, that was- nope, not gonna say his name, that would be dumb.

 

ASHTON: I don’t care about that. I was doing this to get out of my marriage with Meisa. The Yakuza caught up with me despite your friend’s LEET hacker skills. Your body was in exchange for marital freedom. But if we both get deported, and choose to go to Germany, I can be as far away from Meisa as possible, and you can be alive.

 

RYAN: Aren’t the guards going to expect a dead body?

 

ASHTON: Yes, but you have to be dead before 6pm. The guards are in on this, but the Chief of Police isn’t and he’ll be escorting us to court at six o’clock. So, I have an hour to kill you.

 

RYAN: You can’t be telling me the Yakuza overlooked that you could just wait and flee the country without killing me, right?

 

ASHTON: Let’s just say, they trust me. One of the guards is supposed to let me escape after you’re dead, but they can’t do shit once the chief gets here.

 

(Ryan scoffs and sits on the bed)

 

RYAN: How could I ever trust you?

 

ASHTON: Like I’ve been trying to tell you, dude, you chose this life.

 

(Ryan shakes his head, and throws up his hands)

 

RYAN: I don’t know, I guess I choose life! For now! (Ashton comes over) Don’t come near me, bastard! (Ashton forces Ryan into a hug. Ryan puts his hands up) Oh, God, I hate you!
 

ASHTON: You made the right decishe, my man. We are going to OWN Munich.

 

RYAN: Get off of me.

 

(Ashton relinquishes Ryan)

 

ASHTON: You’ll come around.

 

RYAN: Go fuck yourself.

 

(The Japanese Guard comes over)

 

JAPANESE GUARD: You done with board?

 

ASHTON: Yes. Go ahead and take it.

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Good. I need to explain North Korea missile to the boys.

 

(Ashton hands the guard the white board)

 

RYAN: What about a North Korea missile?

 

(The guard looks at Ryan)

 

JAPANESE GUARD: Oh. Hello, there.

 

RYAN: …Hi.

 

ASHTON: North Korea launched another missile, apparently it can reach the mainland United States, it’s not a big deal.

 

RYAN: Jesus, that SEEMS like a big deal!
 

ASHTON: Bro, their only purpose is survival, they’re not gonna launch on us unless we launch on them.

 

RYAN: Fuck, I’m scared to think of how President Trump responds to this.

 

ASHTON: Oh, he’s too busy trashing his own Attorney General, firing everyone at the White House who isn’t Anthony Scaramucci, and failing to repeal ObamaCare.

 

RYAN: How do you know all this?

 

JAPANESE GUARD: I’ll leave you two alone.

 

(The guard leaves)

 

ASHTON: …Because, they let me watch TV before they brought you in here. But they only let me watch the news. Ugh. I hate knowing stuff.

 

RYAN: How did they fail at repealing ObamaCare again?

 

ASHTON: Apparently, they had the vote, and only two of the Republican Senator people were against it, but then McCain came in, voted against it, did a thrusting motion at Mitch McConnell, and walked the fuck away. Oh, and he’s recovering from brain surgery because he has cancer up there, it’s a whole thing.

 

RYAN: I am really sad I missed that. Did Trump say he “prefers Senators who don’t have brain cancer”?

 

ASHTON: No, not publicly, at least.

 

RYAN: Well, that’s good news. I’m sure that’s all, right? I mean, that’s an awful lot to happen in just one week-

 

ASHTON: No, Trump banned transgender people from the military, Anthony Scaramucci said that Steve Bannon likes to fellate himself, Reince Priebus got fired, and Congress passed sanctions on Russia and Trump hasn’t decided to veto them or sign them yet.

 

RYAN: Christ! Has Trump been President six months of three years, I can’t tell! Can Steve Bannon fellate himself?

 

ASHTON: No way, I doubt he can touch his knees sitting down.

 

(Ryan sighs, and sits on his bed)

 

RYAN: Well, I’m glad at the very least thousands of Americans will stay alive thanks to the death of TrumpCare, even I end up dying anyway.

 

ASHTON: You’ll be fine. Germany’s lovely.

 

RYAN: I’m going there with a guy who has no problem murdering me if it benefits him at the moment.

 

ASHTON: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this, Ryan.

 

(Ashton takes out a Walkman, puts on headphones, starts listening to music, jumps on his bed and opens up an issue of Mad Magazine)

 

RYAN: Where do you get these things?!

 

(The Guard comes around and clears his throat. Ashton takes off his headphones, and looks up from the magazine)

 

ASHTON: What?

 

JAPANESE GUARD: You need help?

 

RYAN: With what?

 

JAPANESE GUARD: With-

 

ASHTON: Hisao, don’t ruin the surprise I have for Ryan, please.

 

(Hisao nods his head)
 

HISAO: …Okay…

 

(Hisao walks away)

 

RYAN: Nice to put a name to that stern, corrupted face.

 

ASHTON: Hisao’s a good guy.

 

RYAN: Yeah, if you asked him to come in here and fellate you, he would do it.

 

ASHTON: Reluctantly! But, yeah, he for sure would. And that’s why he’s a homie.

 

RYAN: How are you going to explain away not killing me?

 

ASHTON: I have an idea.

 

RYAN: What is it?

 

ASHTON: Actually, that’s a terrible idea.

 

RYAN: What was it?

 

ASHTON: I was gonna knock you out, inject you with a drug to slow your heartbeat to nearly-undetectable levels, and then have you wake up when you’re about to be cremated, kick the flame-throwing machines and escape like Bruce Willis in that one movie, what was it called again?

 

RYAN: You’re right, that’s a terrible idea! How about instead, you bash my head in really badly, but not enough to kill me, and then they’ll think I’m dead, but you can actually take me to court, and then we get deported, and I undergo an extended period of physical and cognitive therapy- no, that’s also a terrible fucking idea.

 

ASHTON: Well, we seem to be low on ideas. I could just go back to my original plan and kill you.

 

RYAN: That brings up a good question, why aren’t you doing that? I mean, you could go to Germany and escape Meisa either way.

 

ASHTON: I like bringing people to the dark side. I’ll leave it at that.

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: Fair enough.

 

(Ashton nods for a few seconds, and then punches Ryan in the head, knocking him out cold onto the floor. Ashton takes out a cigarette and lights it. He inhales and then exhales the smoke)

 

ASHTON: You know, I don’t mind this guy, he’s a good kid.

 

(Hisao comes over)

 

HISAO: Is he dead?

 

ASHTON: Yeah, but, just leave him there until the Chief gets here, that way the Chief will discover it at the same time we do, and then the whole story will be easier for him to believe.

 

HISAO: Oh, good idea.

 

ASHTON: I’m gonna pretend to go to sleep. You go off, and, uh, watch game shows or whatever you do back there.

 

HISAO: We usually just talk. It’s a supportive community. I have a lot to get off my chest right now.

 

ASHTON: Alright, just, I’ll see you later, dude.

 

(Hisao shakes his head and walks away. Ashton ashes his cigarette on the ground, and gets into bed. Ryan starts groaning)

 

RYAN: Whaa?

 

ASHTON: Shit. (Whispering) Ryan, quiet!

 

RYAN: Whaaa…

 

ASHTON: (Whispering) Play dead!
 

RYAN: Oh.

 

(Ryan closes his eyes and sticks his tongue out the side of his mouth)

 

ASHTON: (Whispering) Not, like, cartoon dead, what are you doing?!
 

RYAN: Quick, draw Xes over my eyelids.

 

ASHTON: Ryan, just stay there, for, like, forty more minutes. Tops. (Ryan groans) Cool. (Ashton goes over and sits on his bed) …What am I doing with my life? Oh yeah, exactly what I want to do.

 

(Ashton lies down. Cut to a POV shot of Ryan opening his eyes. Ashton is over him)

 

RYAN: Huh?

 

ASHTON: Get up, he’s coming!
 

RYAN: Uhh.

 

(Ashton extends his hand, and Ryan takes it and gets up. Hisao walks over with the police chief)

 

HISAO:  ????????????????????(Hisao sees Ryan and Ashton standing there)  ???? ???...????????2???????.

 

(SUBTITLES: Let's just go over to the cell here, and oh my God! It is...two completely alive inmates)

 

(Ashton and Ryan smile)

 

CHIEF OF POLICE: ??????????????????.  ?????????.

 

(SUBTITLES: Alright, unlock the cell then. I don't have all day)

 

(Hisao looks at the chief, and then looks at the Chief of Police, and then looks at the camera and puts his hands on his cheeks)

 

HISAO: ??????

 

(SUBTITLES: Oh, no!)

 

CHIEF OF POLICE: ??????????????????

 

(SUBTITLES: Why did you just say “oh, no”?)

 

(Hisao looks at the Chief of Police)

 

HISAO: ???????????????.

 

(SUBTITLES: I don’t know, sorry, sir)

 

(Hisao unlocks the cell, and leads Ashton and Ryan out of it. He gives Ashton a dirty look)

 

ASHTON: What’s good, brah?

 

HISAO: Not you.

 

RYAN: Ashton was probably asking Chiefy over here. What’s up, my man?

 

CHIEF OF POLICE: ????????.

 

(SUBTITLES: I don’t speak English)

 

RYAN: I’m doin’ pretty shitty too.

 

HISAO: Alright, let’s go.

 

(The Chief of Police leads Ashton and Ryan away. Cut to Ryan and Ashton standing before a Judge in a Japanese courtroom. They are flanked by lawyers and interpreters. On the other side of the courtroom are representatives for the Japanese Federal Government, and Immigration Enforcement. The Judge’s name is, according to a placard, Daiki Machafuko)

 

JUDGE MACHAFUKO: ?????????????????????

 

TRANSLATOR: State your full names for the record.

 

RYAN: Ryan Leonard Donahue.

 

ASHTON: Ashton “Big-Ass Baller” Richard Delay.

 

JUDGE MACHAFUKO: ????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

TRANSLATOR: You are being accused of marijuana possession and methadone possession with intent to sell, respectively, correct?

 

RYAN: Yes.

 

ASHTON: That sounds like me.

 

TRANSLATOR: ???????????.

 

JUDGE MACHAFUKO: ???????????????? ???????????????.

 

TRANSLATOR: Do you want to contest the charges? They have you red-handed.

 

RYAN: I’m not gonna waste my time.

 

ASHTON: Yeah, I’m good, fam. Can we hurry this up, actually? I have German prostitutes to hire.

 

RYAN: DO NOT translate that part!

 

TRANSLATOR: (To Judge) ?????????????????? ??????????????????????.

 

(SUBTITLES: They're not gonna waste their time. And this one likes German dungeon sex)

 

JUDGE MACHAFUKO: ?????????

 

(SUBTITLES: Who among us doesn’t?)

 

(Most everyone in the courtroom laugh)

 

TRANSLATOR: He asked “who among us doesn’t”, in a rhetorical way, and then everyone laughed.

 

RYAN: Thanks, Gaku.

 

GAKU: No problem.

 

JUDGE MACHAFUKO: ??????????

 

(SUBTITLES: Counsel for the government?)

 

(The Government’s lawyer stands up)

 

LAWYER FOR THE GOVERNMENT: ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????. ?????????????????????2?????????????????? ??????????? ???????????????????.

 

(SUBTITLES: As you know, Judge Machafuko, Shinzo Abe’s government has a zero-tolerance policy for drug use or selling by citizens, and that applies even more for non-citizen visitors like Mr. Donahue and Mr. Delay. And let's be real here, these two are just poser anime wannabes. They look ridiculous. They should both be immediately deported)

 

JUDGE MACHAFUKO: ????? ????????????????????????.

 

GAKU: He agrees, and he remands you both to immediate deportation back to the United States of America.

 

ASHTON: Ask him, if it’s not too much trouble, if they can’t just drop us both off in Munich, Germany.

 

(The translator furrows his brow and turns to the judge)

 

GAKU: ?????????????????????????.

 

(SUBTITLES: They want you to drop them off in Germany instead)

 

(The Judge sighs)

 

JUDGE MACHAFUKO: ????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????

 

(Gaku sighs and turns to them)

 

GAKU: We can't just do that, they have immigration laws too. We will drop you off in the United States and if you want to travel to Germany after that, fine! Can we wrap this up already?

 

RYAN: Rude.

 

ASHTON: Translate that.

 

RYAN: Don’t.

 

JUDGE MACHAFUKO: ????????? ??????????????????? ????????????????? ???????! ??????????????!

 

(SUBTITLES: Take them away. I have a hot date with a sex robot to get to. And you know what? She's made in Germany! No shame in my game!)

 

(Two officers escort Ryan and Ashton out of the court room)

 

ASHTON: We’ll be living on Easy Street soon enough, Ryan.

 

RYAN: How has it that you’ve been able to make me your chattel twice in a two-month period?

 

ASHTON: It’s one of my many talents.

 

(They walk out of the court room, as we cut to black)

 

DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF AMANDA REZA, 1995-2017

 

THE END


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