I love you. Always and forever.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just something I want to share in relation to my recent deceased dog.

Submitted: July 31, 2017

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Submitted: July 31, 2017

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This is the first time I have ever gone through something like this. I thought the world was going to collapse when I first heard the news. I thought a lot at that time. What was the cause to that? What if we dealt with it sooner? Why I was not there when it happened? How would I ever gonna live without him?

 

Some may say “You’ll get over it”, “There's nothing you can do, so just stop whining”, “Don't need to make it as such a big deal”. For me, it is a big deal. A huge deal. He was my friend, my family, my comfort, my love. I cried for two days, no matter what genre of songs I listened just want to cheer me up, my eyes were never dry.

 

The point is, I cried in secret. I always cried in the bathroom, on my bed when everyone was asleep. Somehow I didn't want my family to see me cry, I was never the most opened person when it comes to my parents. I guess I do not want them to be worried, or maybe I just do not know how to express myself in front of them.

 

On the third day after he was gone, I did not cry for a whole day, well, at least not during daylight. But when the lights were out, I started watching photos of him on my computer. I did not want to open that file with his name on it, I knew that I would burst into tears the second I saw his photos. I did it anyway. It had been two days since I did not see him. No bell ringing when I came home, no one sneaking under the dining table when we were eating, no barking when the door bell rings, no one came to me when we were using the vacuum, no bed with him sleeping on it next to the TV. I missed him so much, like, too much.

 

It was exactly as I thought, the water could not stop when I saw his pictures. I saw the little cage we used when he was small, all the beds that he used, we changed his beds like every few months, we bought cotton house-like beds with “roofs” on it in the winter so that he could feel warmer. He used to never getting out of that “house” because it was so warm inside. He would just sneak his head out of the “house” to see who was home, and he would go back to sleep right away.

 

Thinking about him, missing him, crying day and night were not the worst part of it. Do anyone ever not wanting something to happen, and when it did happen, you were so desperate that you could not believe that was true, and you started dreaming in your sleep, that that “thing” never happened, that he was still alive, you could still see him every day you woke up? And when you woke up in the morning, every day, you were aware that it was just a dream, nothing you wished came true. And you started doing the above things all over again. That, was the worst part of it.

 

Even though I still am going through that loop every day, I stopped crying. At first, I was thinking, did that mean I was starting to get over it? There was a part of me feeling relieved. It was never fun when you could burst into tears out of nowhere. It hurts, like you could not breathe, and you just wanted to smash yourself into the bed, even the walls. At first, I was quite relieved that I did not cry when I thought of him. However, I felt another type of sadness. I was so afraid that I did not love him enough to keep mourning over him. That would be tragic for the both of us.

 

But I was wrong, again. Eyes without tears do not mean you can stop mourning. Actually, it was much worse. Not having the energy or intention or whatever it is to make you cry, is the signal of you starting to suppress your feelings; which is something you definitely do not want to experience. It was like a void in your heart that nothing seemed to be filled. You felt like you were never gonna be happy again, no matter how many things you had done to distract yourself, after those distractions, you would still be feeling all the sadness, depression, and desperation. The only one good thing was that you would not have a sudden emotional breakdown in front of everyone. However, when you were alone, everything would just come back all over again.

 

Today was the last time I saw him. Everything I worked so hard for the past 2 weeks to suppress my feelings towards him came back from just one glance. I broke down so fast that I did not even focus my eyes on him. He slept just like he indeed was sleeping, like he always did. I thought there would be some appearance changes after all this time, I was glad that they were not. He was still the same as he was, the one I loved, love so much, for the last 10 years. It was much harder than I thought, watching him lying there, knowing that you could never wake him up, that you had to say goodbye to him, for the one last time.

 

What I said about earlier about not letting myself to reveal my emotions in front of my parents, I could not care much then. What I had planned to control my emotions, what theories I had proposed above, were all bullshits once I laid eyes on that little thing, that cute, lazy, gluttonous, always sleepy, timid little thing. And you would know how much you loved him, and you were sure that he felt the same way.

 

I could not press the button, I could not even watch that guy close that door. I urged myself so hard for not simply just take him into my arms and run out of that place. My heart was ripped into pieces once I stepped foot in that place. It was a torture, the whole thing happened today was a torture. I do not think I can ever forget what happened today, not just today, but the last 2 weeks.

 

It seemed like everything was set and done after today. I had been trying to write this piece for 2 weeks, but I could not. It was just too hard to re-experience the whole thing. Why can I now? Maybe it was just because the mug for containing all the emotions to myself was at capacity after today.

 

“They may not mean the world to you, but you definitely mean the world to them.” That was wrong, you certainly do mean the world to me. I love you more than anything in the world, this is the only thing you need to remember. Your last few days might not be easy for you, I know you suffered, but you are at peace now, I know you are. I wish you are. You will not be alone, you will have countless of your kind being with you. And a couple of decades later, I will be there with you too. I do not know if you had the happiest 10 years of your life, but you did give me the happiest 10 years. It was my honour, my fortune meeting you.

 

Here are the last words I would like to say to you:

I love you. Always and forever.

 


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