so you're different now, what it means to be LBGT+

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
How to be LBGT+ in a straight world, one bisexual agendered persons story and guidance for the ones who are lost and confused. Not going to tell you how to be gay, just show you the road that most of us take

Submitted: August 02, 2017

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Submitted: August 02, 2017

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So, you’re different now

What it means to be LBGT+

By: A.L. Fair

So, something triggered you into finally realizing who you are, and I want to emphasize that, who you are not what you are. For me it was when I was twelve on Easter day at my grandmother’s house, real classy I know. I watched a music video by Tegan and Sarah called “Closer” which featured a lesbian couple. It was like being hit by a train, “Oh shit, I’m gay.” Or so I thought. But that was the start or at least official start of my very LBGT+ life.

The Prequel

When I was like five, my friend and I were watching a movie, she suggested that every time someone kisses, we should kiss, I went along with it and it sparked something in me, a little spark that continued to grow. I would watch movies and see the women and think, I want to not only be like them, but I want to be with them. But at the time I thought that you only had one choice, man and women nothing else. This was due to the lack of representation in my life, not because my parents sheltered me, but because even in adult media there was no LBGT+ characters or plots.

However, I can clearly remember any touch of gayness in my life, and latching onto it with a fury. When Katy Perry dropped her bopper that was “I kissed a girl” I freaked out over it. I would listen to the song as much as I could and would try to make sense of the song in my seven-year-old brain. But I knew deep down me and Katy were onto something, kissing the same gender.

And as the little artist I was, and the bigger artist I am now, I was obsessed with the female form. I thought women were so beautiful, and that the world just needed to see their beauty. I was so curious to see the female form in full, even though that would have been not that great for a seven-year-old, so I’m kind of glad I passed that one up.

Little did I know of the bubble that was getting bigger in me, and that just five years later it would pop.

The Happening

So, here we are, Easter Sunday, the greatest day to figure out you are gay in my opinion. I was sitting on the couch while people were running around the cramped, hot, Boston condo, watching the music video for a song I really liked. Then I saw women kissing, it wasn’t like I didn’t know about being gay or being a lesbian, it was just I had never seen it in action. The small spark in me met gasoline and exploded.

I mulled it over for about three hours and thought “Well that’s enough time” and came out to three of my friends. I did this while hysterically crying and not knowing what to say, but to my dismay, all supported me. And from there on out, the whole “lets come out”, just became “let’s let people know who I am.”

Slowly I came out but the first person I came out to besides my friends was my mother, in the car, again classy, right? I found out many people come out in a car, maybe to trap the other person and themselves so no one can run away from the situation, or tell anyone. I was even the one who suggested going to the mall, just to tell her. And you know what, she understood, and I know for some of you it won’t be that way, but truly people seemed to change their mind when it’s their kin. People seem to adjust to the new idea’s because now they can picture say a gay person, a trans person, etc. They have someone they can ask questions and get to know them as a person, not their sexuality or gender.

Now your story

So, you now have realized, what’s next? If you’re anything like me, you’re going to come out like it’s nobody’s business. But some of you will want to wait, which can be good and bad. The good part is you can plan what you can say, how you want to do things, and just finalize everything. But with that you can also over think the process and end up psyching yourself out and not going through with said plans. You can also over plan and assume how people react which can be damaging if it doesn’t happen the way you want it to. But take everything I say with a grain of salt because I am one person with one experience, I don’t want anyone reading this to think “Oh well fuck, I’ve fucked it up, pack it up boy’s the jig is up.” Just pull back for a bit and put things into perspective, wait for your freaking out to hit plateau, then try again.

It’s over now, the initial freak out, but here is where the real race begins, this is where the lungs start to hurt and your legs burn, this is where your self-doubt kicks in. You have had your whole life planned out, you were going to have a nuclear family and apple pie waiting on the window sill, yeah well fuck that. It’s going to be something you hate, something that feels so unusual that it just isn’t right. The best way to describe it is you spent your whole life up to this point in a box, jammed, twisted, and slapped into. Now the box has burst open and you are floating outside of it, watching it fly away.

It will almost be the feeling of homesickness, because it is homesickness. You spent your life in the home of others conformity, and now you have your own home in your new reality. It’s hard to adjust to the freedom and not see the walls that you were so used to. But you have to tell yourself, “this is who you are, don’t take the easy way out.” Because guess what, once those walls fall and you fly out, going back is not going to be the same. You are going to realize how cramped and trapped you feel, and you’ll think “what the fuck am I doing here?” And if I being honest with you, what are you doing trapping yourself in a place you don’t want to be?

It might take a while to be okay with yourself, but you can find paradise in this suffering you are going through. At some point your constant running is going to feel like flying, and your pain is going to turn into happiness as you watch the world fly by.

The thought on your mind could also be “Is it really necessary to come out?” but at some point, or another you can start to feel like you are missing out on the world around you when people don’t know what’s going on. It’s like a one-way mirror, you can see into them but they can’t see into you. Try to remember as well, they are your friends and family, they want to know about you, they want to be in the loop on your life. I personally felt like if the people around me knew, I would be seen as half the person I was before I came out to them. But for me, it only took one person, one person to say, “You know what, I change my mind about being concerned with how you feel about me, fuck you.” And my friend is it liberating to watch the opinions fall flat.

And why I tell you all of this, is because no one can truly prepare you for the road ahead, because we all travel different paths, but in the end, everyone looks a little similar. And some people will try to tell you different things, especially straight people. I’ve had shit said to me like “Oh don’t even worry, we love you so who cares?” Well I care, and they can never know what it’s like to come out, no one can unless they have. Love from an ally is needed but guidance from one is not, because they never travelled our path.

I remember a while ago I saw a Tumblr post (Of course it was a Tumblr post) about “being corrupted.” People will sometimes say, “Did someone make you this way? Who did this to you?” which is the basic way of people asking who corrupted you from your “normal” life. But the post said something along the lines of “Did some older gay man persuade you?” and they said I wish they did, I wish I had someone to guide me through what I’m going through. You could say that smacked me into a new realization, I never thought that I could truly extend a hand and not change someone, but guide them. In the media, it’s almost always, “Oh I didn’t know I’m gay until this handsome white guy gave me that one look.” Which might be the case for some, but for most it’s horse shit. No one corrupted me, no one changed me, I just found me.

With finding yourself, you find a new you that not a lot of people know. It’s isolating to be the only one that knows you, a new form of loneliness takes over and you can’t remember a time you felt so unlike yourself, but completely yourself for once, all at once. The best remedy for loneliness was surrounding myself with people who trudged the same path I did. I joined a group called GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) and to say it cured some part of me I never knew needed curing is an understatement. Even if you don’t have a GSA find someone you can relate to, one the internet, or in real life, people are there, and alive and waiting for someone like you.

None of this is a simple task, but it isn’t an impossible one. Someone once asked me if I could go back and ask to be cis gendered and, straight would I? Or would I stay agender and stay bisexual? I thought for a second then laughed, hell no. I would never give back the memories and friends I made, I would never give back my armor and my weapons, and most of all I would never give back my flags, because all of them give me the person I see in the mirror. They are a person I want to keep, they are bright and lively, full of color, unlike that straight girl I used to see.

I’ve had few regrets, but not enough to make my life worthless, far from it. And if anything, I don’t regret a single decision that brought me here. And I dare anyone to tell me that I should be someone I’m not, because tell me, who died and made you master of my life again? The person in the mirror is a warrior with a crown, and they aren’t taking shit anymore, I’m not someone that needs to be saved, and neither are you. Guidance isn’t something that should be denied, so once you found your way to the finish line, be a couch, a torch for the rest out there, the ones that are just as confused and scared as you are. Fuck nuclear family, let’s be abnormal together.


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