floating in mid air

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
a story about how i just feel like shit everyday, i have no outlet and i am lost.

Submitted: August 02, 2017

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Submitted: August 02, 2017

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You ever wanted something so bad that the more you thought about it the more impossible it seem to get? I am always thinking of ways to find peace, I just want happiness and it seem to far way right now. There was a day when I was 12 and it was a Saturday morning, I believe it was spring, that day felt perfect, there were clouds but just enough to let the Sun shine through, the trees were full and had this light glow upon them. I remember thinking that if I can take this day and just fit it into my regular life I should be just fine, but just like all things I love they tend to want to run away or just disapear. As a kid things seemed normal, but the older I got the more reality started to punch me in the face and there was nothing I could do about it. Things you would have love to go unnoticed popped up all at one time and you can't accept it because it wont allow you too, watching love one's leave, watch your parent abuse their body, crying out loud and cant be heard because everyone around you is doing the same exact thing, crying for help. I'm 23 now I have two beautiful children and a beatiful girlfriend that hates me to the fullest, its hurts a lot but when your the blame for that hatred it becomes more and more painful. Me and her were ok when we first met and then things fell down hill, Obsession became more a problem, I became selfish and rude, she begin to stick me but also building this hatred I have inherrited today. I can say one thing though meeting her was and still till this day is the best thing that could have ever  happend to me. My children, how can I desribe them? Clarity is this emotional, beautiful, universal human, she makes being normal boring, with her galactic eyes and moumental smile she is beyond life its self. Cahlil, he is this weird,cocky, handsome alien that all the humans are going to love, the best way to describe my son is this, if there was a party going on everyone there are just guest and he is the DJ he controls the vibe, the life, and the setting of the party. Without them things are blank, life becomes distasteful.At this point in my life I am batteling with worldly things, I know that someday I wont be here anymore and that I would have left a shitty memory of myself, so now while I am alive I must fight to build a better memory for my kids, so that when they have children of there own my grand kids can enjoy stories about me and love me and cherish me. I always say if you dont take risk then you die being curious, so whats my risk? what do I stand to be rememberd by? I wish I didnt feel so alone and dark. My heart is breaking in littles pieces day by day but theres my family being that piece of tape holding whats left for the better. I am sick and hope that I am healed so that I can continue fighting and striving for my family, they need me and I will not let them down. When I leave this earth, at my funeral I want just my kids and girlfriend there, and I am going to ask my babies not to cry or be upset bcause I'll always be near them even though im not physically. One day I'm going to take my kids with me to the spot me and their mom hung out at, that compass area was beatiful and the times we shared there are more then wonderful. She dont know this but I use to love how she smiled at me, and the way she laughed and how committed she was even though I was not the greatest boyfriend. I hope one day she find it in her heart to forgive me and take down her barrier made of metal and let me in. I hope my family care about me when Im long gone from this planet, but until then ill be floating in midair.


© Copyright 2017 Christopher Kinder. All rights reserved.

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