Listen For Me

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
I just want someone to listen.

Submitted: August 03, 2017

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Submitted: August 03, 2017

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The arguments grew colder when the words "I'm here for you" changed like the seasons when my trust was completely melted into a self reassuring state really viewing my position. The countless things on my mind I'm unable to discuss because none of my thoughts are actually kept between us, but rather everyone you'd choose to whisper to as if I wouldn't notice. I want nothing sacred, yet I want privacy when needed. Hard to really express myself when everyone expects me to smile through every trial and error. My life is not a joke, is what I tell myself every night before I rest my soul. Thinking of those who think of me. I just pray to myself I find a better piece of happiness before a breaking point comes. I stopped asking people for help a long time ago because it made no sense for me to be 20 years old without a common mind to stand on my own 2 feet, dish out any obstacle already stringing along plus the extra still awaiting me around the corner. It seems the things I've feared the most to try my best to avoid was my actual reality. Afraid of being alone at one point in time without a family to answer my calls, so I tried to keep in contact with my mom for a little before I soon noticed the shenanigans were still happening right in front of me even years later. Afraid of not having a soul to feel my heart when in need of someone to converse with, or just give me input on a decision but nothing was kept between us as others knew whatever I said as if they were there as well. From there I just stopped sharing personal issues, thoughts, ideas, etc. and just keep most conversations going with responses revolving around stupid subjects. I don't believe in religion, nor do I believe in God leading to so many I knew getting angry and distancing themselves. Yet not one soul has been successful to actually respectively feed me some good information as to why I should continue to give it a go again. As I am able to elaborate on how much weight has been lifted off of me, and the gains I've made since then without wasting anymore of my time just waiting.

Even as I'm getting into detail about what's truely on my mind daily now, I still find it pointless as many more will brush past these messages. I feel I have the heart of a lion with the body of a God as I put my mind, body, and soul into moving forward dishing out whatever work lies ahead to give myself a better since of a brighter future. My thoughts have evolved, my music has become songs I sing outloud trying to call for help, my smiles have weakened in numbers as my face of determination has given over to a bigger goal in my sight. So many that hold insecurities that agitate my eyes when I see the same crap everyday without any improvement. I want brothers and sisters, yet they distanced themselves from me long enough for me to know they don't live up to that title anymore. I sit up at 3a.m. rubbing my eyes like maybe I'll wake up from this bad part of the dream in a bed of my own. I wake myself up 2hours before work everyday because I want a bed of my own. I want a room of my own. I would like a to be able to tell my co workers I'm going "home". They say home is where the heart is, but my heart has been moved from couch to couch, house to house, broken heart after broken heart. However, these do not phase me even a bit as I can only wrap my mind around reality which is just keep moving forward as the Sun continues to rise. I wanted groceries of my own without worried of feeding myself the next day because if I had any left overs they'd cause great grief upon others. For whatever reason I work 8+ hours straight without any breaks becuase I don't want to waste a second of my time sitting around considering my position. As I get older the world looks colder from a sober state of mind. Women come and go out my life as I attach little to no feelings to them after we both get what we came for in the end. Unable to discuss a future with them because with my thinking of 10 steps ahead I've already replaced them with another before they decide to stop replying and give someone else the attention.

i believed in a lot of crap coming up in a hopeless city. Being fooled by too many only seeing me for a check made me feel cold hearted at one point in time where I was ready to fish for a better life no matter how many miles away it'd take me. I shouldn't have to belong to any society in order to live a wealthy life. They promise me all my wildest dreams will come true. We sit and talk about what I desire as they already know what it is I require becuase they've been watching me for many many many years. As I stare into the mirror I become more certain that I'm willing to give up my soul in order to live a decent life just to get away from the terrors I've lived up until now. A long look at my position is only driving me closer to accepting these deals without hesitation with the words "nothing to lose" written on my body from head to soles. I must be honest to have a lot of pride, but I'm broken inside. I grew tired of ignorance so I keep my mouth shut when coming close to those willing to wreak havoc on the innocent. I stared into the eyes of many with broken hearts just as I, but I could do nothing except continue to focus on my own life with all the issues following me everyday. My phone stays with a full charge, but there's no good conversations being recieved as the days of recognizing the bs make it harder for me to fully trust, sympathize with others without feeling it means nothing and will be held against me in the court of ignorance where judgement has no love for a poor man. I don't know why I even sat here and explained what was all on my mind here. It's not like I can discuss any of this with just anyone anyway or ever really. What you can take from this is that none of this will even matter the next day when I push harder for a better position on this planet we all stand on.


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