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Okay, I don't know why the font fucks up on this chapter. 

A year earlier

 

I must have a weak mind. It’s too easily damaged. I awake to a rotten smell and a throbbing in my head. I keep my eyes closed, feeling too weak to open them. I realize I’m sitting down on something hard…must be the ground. A strong stench fills my nostrils and my brain says alley. I open my eyes and it’s confirmed. I groan trying to move my sore body, but before I can even stand up I’m given an order.

 

"Hey Mister try to stay still, you're bleeding.” A  child like voice says. There’s a small Hispanic accent in her voice. I look to my right, and standing there is a little girl. She looks a mess. Her clothes have definitely seen better days. The maroon hoodie she’s wearing looks a size too big as the sleeves hang past her hands. Her black jeans are faded and torn at the bottom, and the shoes…she might as will have been barefoot. The only nice looking thing about her is her coil black hair falling over her shoulders and stopping at her hips.

 

“Bleeding?” I question, looking over my body.

 

"Yeah your head." she says, starting to walk closer to me. “I tried to get most the blood off, but it kept coming back.” She adds, and I notice the new looking bandages in her small hands. She reaches me and begins to peel off whatever was previously covering my wound. “You must have really made someone mad.” She says.

 

"Too bad I don’t remember.” I reply. She begins to place a band-aid across my right temple. Amnesia is an old friend of mine. Sometimes I can’t remember whole days and people I’ve known all my life, but in time it all comes back. Although, this time feels different. As I sit here trying to think of the last thing I remember…nothing comes to mind, everything is gone.

 

“I found this in your pocket. I wasn’t trying to steal; I thought you’d have a phone to call the ambulance.” She says, holding out a chunk of money and a small piece of paper. I narrow my eyebrows at her for invading the privacy of my pockets. I take the items from her hand and read what’s on the paper.

 

Get your fucking mind straight and come back with an apology, it’d be a shame and a burden to have to find you a replacement after all these years.1413 Golden Drive.

~Morgan

 

“Morgan?” I mimic, trying to recall the name that seems so familiar. "Hey kid, what's your name?" I question, as if her name will ring any bells.

 

"Umm...it's Blair, but that's a stupid name so I don't like it." She replies, looking at the ground frowing.

 

"Could be worse." I reply.

 

“I would ask your name, but I bet you don’t remember do you?” She says, crossing her arms as I start to stand up.

 

“Obviously.” I reply before rolling my eyes. “Where is your mom? You look like you need a bath.” I add, leaning off the wall and trying to maintain my balance. I stumble, placing my hand on a nearby trash can to keep from falling.

 

“Be careful mister!” She demands, running to my side.

 

“I’m fine, but like I said where’s your mom?” I repeat, standing up straight. The little girl drops her head and sighs.

 

“I don’t know. We got into a fight and she left me here.” She answers and it baffles me. My eyes widen and suddenly I have more added to my list of questions and concerns. “I was asleep right there a few nights ago,” She starts and points to a corner not too far behind us. “There’s too much shadow down here at night, so no one really sees me. I was asleep and then something heavy hitting the ground woke me up. I opened my eyes and there was a big person walking away from you.” She finishes, and looks up at me.

 

The information is a little helpful, but I still can’t remember anything. I push my problems to the side and continue to question the girl about her situation. Within a matter of seconds I find out she’s only nine years old.What type of mother abandons a child, a girl at that?I don’t feel like the most compassionate person, but I have morals or so I’d like to think.

 

“You know mister…I have an idea.” She says with a little smirk. I raise an eyebrow and wait for her to continue. “I don’t like my name and you can’t remember yours, so how about we give each other names like we’re some secret ninjas!.” She adds and laughs a bit. I look down at her, thinking of how foolish that sounds. Child wonder…how refreshing.

 

“Secret ninja names, that’s ridiculous.” I finally speak.

 

“Oh come on for all you know you could be a ninja.” She says jumping into a stupid stance. I roll my eyes and start to walk towards the opening of the alley. “Hey, don’t go!” She calls after me and I continue to walk. She runs beside me.

 

"I don't have time for a kid, go away." I state, starting to walk faster.

 

"But you owe me. I made sure you didn't DIE!" she exclaims, starting to slightly jog in order to match my speed.

 

“I don’t owe you anything but a thank you. I already got this whole amnesia shit to worry about.” I say coldly.

 

“Amnesia?” She questions.

 

“When you can’t remember a fucking thing about yourself.” I answer as we near the opening of the alley.

 

“You cuss too much, you must have been an angry person.” She says.

 

“Shut up. You’re annoying and giving me a headache!” I shout, but it doesn’t faze her. She energetically leaps in front of me. Her dark brown eyes look sincere, and her small puffy lips have formed a little frown.

 

“I’m sorry about your situation, but I really need someone.” She pleads. I want to say screw off…but I can’t do it. I sigh really hard.

 

“For all you know I could be a creep, a pedophile.” I reply.

 

“I’m gonna call you Sunny. It’s a happy name.” She says smiling wide, and holding her hands over her heart. She's completely ignored my words, either because she's really stubborn or simply because she doesn't know what pedophile means.Secret ninja names…Suddenly a name comes to mind…like it had been there before, like it meant something.

 

“Daiyu…” I reply, almost too quiet to hear over the cars passing by. That’d be her secret ninja name.

 

“Daiyu? Where’d that come from? I like it!” She says.

 

“I..I don’t know.” I answer.

 

I don’t know anything at all.

 

 

A/N: As always, if you see any errors let me know. Also, I hope this chapter along with future chapters doesn’t seem too rushed. I’m trying to keep my stories relatively short because if not I’ll lose motivation for them and I don’t want to leave my readers hanging, so if it feels rushed please let me know. 

 

 

 

 




Submitted: August 10, 2017

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Vance Currie

I love this story. I think you are writing even better than before. The dialogue is entertaining and realistic. The chapter did not feel at all rushed to me, and if you wrote it in a hurry, I am doubly impressed. I spotted only one typo (at least I think it was a typo) which I have marked with an icomment. ~ Joe

Fri, August 11th, 2017 9:41pm

ShadaStorm120

Aw, I loved this. It was great, a whole chapter dedicated to when he found her. I'm glad to know who she was. She seems like a wonderful girl. Very fun and happy. I feel quite bad for her situation, but it's good she found him, even if he isn't too keen on her tagging along. I feel this is the start of something great between the too :) great job Poetic! :D I'm looking forward to the next update :)

Fri, August 11th, 2017 10:55pm

LeParadisNoirPoetique

I think when the beginning of a story is vague like your opening chapter, the following chapter as a slight flashback is a good option because it keeps the mind of your main character fresh. I didn't expect Daiyu to be a young orphaned girl, which she is now, so I agree with Shada, it was great having this chapter purely on the flashback.

If this was rushed I can find no faults. You writing has gotten better, and I think that is down to keeping chapters vague. Most people want to see description, and I say fuck that, because why describe everything for the reader? You know me, the dark king of never describing anything, so I feel you should cut descriptions down, keep things vague, and chapter by chapter you can open up a little more about your main character. This way you will have to story for him all the way through your novel.

The encounter between the two is realistic, because things like this happen. Your dialogue is brilliant, and I still love the different fonts for dialogue and thoughts. Fucking genius. Daiyu is willing to take a chance because she hates the element of being alone. Your writing style has a more realistic beauty about it, and it's beautiful to see in action. This is great Poetic, and you better continue :p

Fri, August 11th, 2017 11:35pm

B Douglas Slack

I left what may seem like a lot of suggestions, Poetic. They are not criticisms, but more in the role of pointers for punching up your story with verbs that are more active. If a person or thing is 'starting to' do something, then convert the next verb into the active form. For instance, 'starting to run' is 'sunning'.

This chapter shows a great deal of promise for what is to come. Good amnesia stories are an adventure of discovery for both the reader and the protagonist. Having little Blair/Dauyu along for the ride is a great beginning.

Bill

Sat, August 12th, 2017 8:24pm

BriannasBooks

Another brilliant chapter :) I really liked how he started to uncover more information as the chapter went on, and I really liked Blair; I thought she was so sweet :) This reminded me a little of Spike and Chester from Looney Tunes, lol. Both of the characters have very strong personalities, and you can clearly see how different they are, although they do have something in common, which is that they are alone. I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapter :) Well done! :)

Fri, August 18th, 2017 3:03am

James McMahon

I don't feel it's rushed at all honey. It's fine. It flows along at a good pace for me. I'd read a short story of your writing, or a whole book for that matter. I am interested to see how the story develops.

Wed, February 10th, 2021 1:18pm

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Thanks again!!!

Wed, February 10th, 2021 7:29pm

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