castles in spain

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


a bit of a laugh

Submitted: August 09, 2017

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Submitted: August 09, 2017

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Castles in Spain

 

May our current excellent relationship long continue, that’s what he said in his broken English. He’s Spanish you see and he likes to think he knows colloquial English terms. He was very upset when I told him that under the circumstances I’d have to let him go. I listened to his protests of course and I suppose I’ll have to give him a good reference; but it does go against the grain!

Before you make up your mind let me tell you a little about myself and then relate the tragic circumstances that forced me to discontinue our relationship.  I’m the fourteenth earl of Barking and my family name is Pickersgill I can trace my ancestry back to the Doomsday Book. The family coat of arms dates back before William the Conqueror; it’s a red cross potent on a white background, with three lions rampant and two unicorn’s tripant; beautiful! Obviously the family’s been disgustingly wealthy since the slave trade and after that the seventh earl established the brewing business; he was a bit of a black sheep of course but the family coffers did benefit from his wheeling and dealing. Our family seat’s in Hertfordshire set in a thousand acres, we also have a small shooting box in Norfolk but this unpleasantness relates to our estate in Spain; three thousand acres in Andalusia a few hundred miles from Cadiz; beautiful villa overlooking the mountains. I only mention all this to underline that we are not talking about a nobody.

I go to Spain at least once a year and on this occasion I rang my steward Pedro; he looks after everything. My wife had gone down three weeks earlier but I just wanted to keep Pedro on his toes. The conversation went something like this. Hello Pedro everything ok? Si senior!

 Have you arranged to fell that large tree that was blocking so much light from the conservatory?

 Si senior he has been cut down.

And have the decorators finished painting the outside of the house?

No senior!

Well how long will it take them?

The decorators have left senior! Why?

 When the tree fell on the scaffold senior she collapsed!

What happened?

Well senior when the scaffold collapsed it spilled 20 gallons of white paint and much toxic chemicals into the swimming pool.

Well get it cleaned up man!

Si senior but it is taking longer than expected. Why?

Well senior we have to request a heavy lifting crane to get the horse out of the swimming pool.

Horse out of the swimming pool; what horse?

Well senior you remember the Appaloosa stallion in your fine stable; well he fell into the swimming pool.

Not the stallion I’m going to send to stud next year and collect £10000 for each mare that he covers? Si senior.

Well I hope he’s ok?

Ah no senior he is dead.

Dead what happened?

Well senior he must have drunk some of the contaminated water in the pool and it poisoned him; the vet say that he have to be put down.  

Pedro, that’s terrible; terrible, how on earth did he get into the pool in the first place?

Well senior the firemen were having great trouble getting all their equipment up the steep drive; and it was suggested senior that the appaloosa horse be hitched to the old cart to drag their equipment up the hill. Well senior, when they unhitched the horse outside the house the flames frightened him; made him bolt and he fell into the pool.

Flames, what are you talking about man?

Well senior, you remember Manuel, the handsome young gardener I employed last year, well his cigarette started the fire.

You mean he’s burned the equipment shed down? No senior the Villa caught fire.

How did Manuel start a fire in my villa?

He was in bed senior. It was a hot sticky night senior and he lit a cigarette and fell asleep.

Why was he in bed in the villa?

He was in bed with your wife senior.

In bed with my wife that’s disgraceful; tell him he’s fired.

Cannot do that senior; why? He is dead senior.

Serves him right, the scoundrel.

What about my wife is she alright? Si senior she was not in the bedroom at the time of the fire, she was talking to the police on the downstairs telephone. Talking to the police; about what? The car crash involving the Bentley senior, car crash what car crash? On second thoughts don’t tell me about the car crash.

What damage to the villa Pedro? Well senior the roof she is destroyed and five of the six bedrooms are gone and three bathrooms are also kaput!

So downstairs is not damaged?  Ah, no senior the water the firemen used to quench the fire ran through the ceiling and damaged much of the wall paper and carpets.

Just a minute Pedro, what about my exquisite Salvador Dali painting; the one that’s insured for six million pounds. Ah, Si senior the police are confident that they will recover it soon; and it will be returned to you.

Recover it! What are you talking about Pedro where is my painting? I do not know senior.

But you must know man; it was hanging on my study wall. Si senior but the night before the fire we have two intruders.

Intruders what do you mean? Well senior, the middle of the night and Maximillion the Doberman starts to bark and is very agitated; I hear noises in the villa and call the police.

The police arrive senior and one of the intruders is running hot foot across the garden with the painting under his arm. The police can see senior that Maximillion is chasing the intruder but may not catch him before he reaches the gate.

So one of the policemen senior discharges his weapon. I know this policeman senior he is my cousin; he is short sighted senior. He missed the intruder and shot the Doberman senior. Shot my faithful Doberman Maximillion that’s disastrous; disastrous 

But good news senior, I cornered the second intruder in your study, he have a knife senior.  But you remember senior that you left your golf clubs behind your desk in the corner of the study. I do remember Pedro; they were in that fine leather bag I won in the club championship last year. Si senior!

Well senior I took the driver out of the bag and I hit the intruder. The club head bounced off his shoulder and stuck him on the head. It was a forceful blow senior because when the club head hit his head it became detached from the shaft. I was left with only the shaft to defend myself senior.  So I grabbed the three wood senior and deliver another crashing blow to the villain. He tried to defend himself and the shaft hit is forearm and bent at right angles ; however senior this last blow with your three-wood stopped him in his tracks and the police apprehended him.

 Let me get this straight; are you telling me Pedro that you’ve smashed my new Ping G30 driver with the ultra lightweight shaft and ruined my new Ping G30 three wood, also with the light shaft, Si senior.

Well as you’ve probably guessed; I had to tell him, anyone who can’t look after a gentleman’s golf clubs is untrustworthy so I’d have to let him go. He was very upset!

 

 

 1250 words

 


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