A Letter to the Father Who Chose Alcohol

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
A letter to the father who chose alcohol

Submitted: August 09, 2017

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Submitted: August 09, 2017

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I was a daddies girl, from the day i was born i wanted to be just like you. I followed you every where you went, i was by your side every day, except the nights you'd disappear to a bar somewhere. When you and mom divorced everything changed for me. You moved out and i barely got to see you. The only time you showed up was when it was either convenient to you or when the court ordered you to have us. You never made an extra effort to be there for me or my sister, no matter how many times i begged you to come to my softball games or plays, you acted like it was a burden for you to even care. So as i grew up we grew apart, i began to notice things that i didn't before. Like the fact that, no matter where we went, you always had a beer in your hand. The more you would drink the less i would come around until you rarely saw me because of how belligerent you would get. A day at your house usually went as follows, You would tell me EVERYTHING you thought i was doing wrong in my life, and i would have to listen or you would talk over me, we would go on the boat, and then i would be forced to watch my younger siblings while you disappeared into your room or downstairs, of course with beer in hand. 

I put up with all the alcohol and the hurtful words, and even you just not being there for me for a long time. I watched as you got bigger and looked worse, and listened to all the news of your latest doctors visit because it was almost never good. After i turned 18, i realized i no longer had a father, that you thought of me as a friend that you could just ignore for a while until it was convenient to you and then pop back up when you decided you missed me, several months later. 

Finally came the night that everything changed. We were both drinking and having a good time, i rarely drink because of my busy schedule with work and school, but it was a family event so i thought i would join in. We were laughing and having a great time, i felt like i finally had my dad back for that short day. Then it all went down hill. I don't remember what i did or said to make you angry with me, but you pushed me backwards off the tailgate of a truck, and when i landed in a pile of gravel and was in tears because of the pain you had caused me you told me to "get over it," and walked away. I realize now that i probably over reacted but i was drunk too, and everything you had done to me in my life came flooding back, and i decided that was the last time you were going to hurt me. I was wrong. I drove home that night belligerent and incoherently intoxicated, and it took my family over an hour to realize i was even missing. I got a call that night, but it wasn't from you dad. That's when i finally realized you didn't care. 

The next day you sent me a text blaming me and my mother for all of your hardships in life, claiming you helped me up and a bunch of other things that didn't happen. How would you even know if they did happen dad? YOU COULDN"T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID. I was upset and i told you that you needed help. I said the words you absolutely did not want to hear, "you're an alcoholic dad, and i'm worried about you." I told you that if you couldn't get help that i couldn't be around it anymore and your reply was simple, but more painful than i could ever imagine. "I Love you, but I'm done with your bullshit." How a beverage could be more important than your own flesh and blood i will never know. 

So this letter is for you. 

I don't understand what bullshit you're referring to, or what i did to ever cause you any trouble in life  other than hoping that you would take care of yourself and get better. i don't know if i will ever understand what happened between us fully but i want you to know that i pray for you every night, the same prayer, to bring you back up on your feet, to take care of you and take the bottle out of your hands before it's to late. I pray for you even though you hurt me more than you could ever possibly know, because i love you dad, and although i don't think you understand what those words mean I am telling you that i do. Because even though you broke me to pieces i would never choose to abandon you the way you did with me. 

I want you to know that i have forgiven you for the pain you put me through, and all i can ask is that you take care of yourself, and better yourself for your own sake, and that you save yourself from this addiction you won't admit you have. But since i am no longer a part of your life anymore, i will leave you with this.

I hope that on the days that you are lost and lonely the bourbon wipes your tears and keeps you company. On the long nights when your alone and scared i hope that the whiskey chases all the demons and regrets you have away. I hope that the tequila brings a smile to your face,  but most of all, i pray that the beer fills the hole in your heart that will be left when you have pushed anyone who ever loved you out of your life. I pray that you take care of yourself and get better, even if i never get to see you again.

I wish you nothing but happiness, and i hope that your life is everything you ever dreamed it to be. 

I love you daddy. 

Sincerely, 

The Daughter you left behind. 

xxLightingtheworld


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