I Will Always Be Waiting For You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
This short story shows how mental illnesses can affect a romantic relationship.
Kindly do not proceed further if you are still hurt by a break up or at a bad place due to a mental illness.
I would love feedback!

Submitted: August 11, 2017

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Submitted: August 11, 2017



“Hey you” were the words that stirred her from a shallow slumber. Still only being half awake, she was sure that she woke up in another nightmare until she saw his face smiling down at her. Heaving out a sigh, she reassured herself by declaring that everything was okay. The voice in her head, the shadow that possessed her in especially bad times, cowered at the radiance and warmth of his smile. To her, the best part of her day had only begun. For he always seemed to calm her down just by being present in her life. Every touch, every caress and every whisper soothed her, acting as an elixir to the core of her being.

As she smiled a little and reached her hand out in order to touch him, he backed away and shook his head while giving her a goofy grin. “Follow me, sleepyhead” came his words that beckoned her to go outside under the starry sky. The grass felt like silk under her feet. The stars kept blinking at them. They were bathed in moonlight that illuminated his face that she would look at while he slept. She called out, “why are we here again?”. She could hear the shadow mumbling something but her focus was limited to the man in front of her. But something felt turbulent. Unlike how it usually would be, he didn’t held her hand. He kept walking ahead of her while humming the song that reminded her of him. It was the song that she believed was made for them. “It was all because of you. Everything went wrong because of you”, the shadow suddenly screeched into her head and gripped her mind tightly with its claws.

With her heartbeat rising rapidly, she let out a heavy sigh and looked up at the night sky filled with darker shades of blue, indigo and violet with blackish hues among them. She liked spending time while staring at the sky as when she observed something enormously bigger than her, she realized that her problems are tiny and can be dealt with. Although the blood flowed robustly and beat a constant tune in her ear, her face showed no change. She would do anything to not worry him, even if it meant running away and hiding from the shadow.

She felt familiar arms wrapping around her and she felt the tension easing and steadily abandoning her mind. Somehow, her shadow in her mind feared him as if it knew it could never win if he was around. “You’ve been awfully quiet, love. Is everything okay?”, she inquired. “Just thinking about past times” came the words before he hid his face in her neck. She began twirling the ends of his hair with her fingers and said,“Whatever it is sweetheart, let it out when you can. I’m here for you.” She could feel his beating heart. Him being there was everything she could ever ask for.

With time passing by, the dark of the night kept departing and giving way to the blinding heliotrope spreading in the sky but they stayed in each other’s arms. “Let’s go inside, love” she suggested and let go of him. His warmth separating from her body left her with a longing for something she didn’t recognize. For someone who was always looking for something to call home, she found it in the man with whom she fell in love. 

As she turned away, the grass that felt like silk now felt like offering a consistently dull sensation of pain. With a foreign feeling in her chest, she looked back towards where he was only to find nothing present there. The shadow in her head started howling with laughter. Its claws were at her neck now, almost touching so she knew it was there because of the twinge but it didn’t hurt as much. Yet. 

She started looking everywhere she could, she couldn’t bear the loss of his presence. “It was all your fault. You made him go away. It’s you who did this. It’s always you.”, the sinister voice chanted in her head. She couldn’t shut out the shadow or cut him off from the chant. Her hands immediately went to her temples. She started speaking over the shadow’s chant, denying every blame that was put on her. When that didn’t work, her hands tried scrunching her skull and she begged the voice to stop. What she thought was probably not something she would usually think. Her mind was just not her own anymore.

“Sweetie, what’s taking you so long?”, her favorite voice called out. The one that made her smile on her darkest of days. ‘He has already gone inside!’ she thought knowing she had to hurry. Ignoring her heart that was beating so wildly as if it would break out of her chest any second, she ran inside the house. The voice in her head was still laughing for some unknown reason. She wanted to run into his arms again. She knew that was something that will surely make the shadow stop screaming twisted words at her. If she gave in to what the shadow said, it would make her a mess again. She didn’t want that, for herself or for the man waiting inside for her.

She thoroughly searched every room but he was nowhere to be found. Where could he have gone? “Wake up, you fool! He wasn’t here in the first place”, bellowed the shadow, making her go into a state of frenzy, “Don’t you remember? It was you who pushed him away. It was you who couldn’t love him. You who never learned how to love. You who couldn’t help him when he needed it. You who made him believe that you didn’t love him. It was all you. Only. You.”, the shadow kept roaring and crying into her head, “Why couldn’t you be enough? Why couldn’t you show him that you loved him? Why did you let him go? Why? Why? Why!?

She didn’t realize when the tears began streaming down her face. She had sunk on to the ground now. The one she loved was nowhere to be found. Her ‘home’ was no more. She knew that she was the one who made it happen. One could say she seemed devastated, if the word could do justice to what she was going through. Soon, the shadow did what it invariably loved to do - It possessed her, thoroughly and entirely. She was no longer herself. The shadow fed on her soul, leaving her helpless. She felt her energy and her life-form slowly escaping from her body. She wanted to shout out, to call out his name, to see him, to touch him, to feel him next to her. None of that would work though, the shadow had a taut grip on her now. 

Her chest felt heavy and she couldn’t breathe. The yearning for him increased tenfold now that she believed what the shadow preached to be true. She wanted to apologize, again and again and again till he would forgive her. But forgiveness didn’t come easy. The love they shared was eaten up, bite by bite, by their respective shadows. Each time the shadow possessed either of them, they felt worse for not being able to offer help or support until it all ultimately ceased. She now remembered what had happened between them. She knew it to be her fault and there was nothing she could do to change that now. For change will come when the partner is willing to cope up with you which requires their presence in the first place.

It was all my fault. I never wanted to suffocate you.” she wept, her breathing seemed to stop for a second until she caught her breath audibly several times. Between her cries, she kept blabbering what she never got to tell him. “I wanted to make you happy. I know I’ll never be enough but I wanted to try for you. All my life I never wanted something but you, I wanted you as if it was the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I never had a home till I had you. I considered you mine. I thought it would be enough if I kept waiting for you to come back.” She felt as if her insides were being ripped apart slowly but steadily enough to feel the pain. Like thousands of daggers being plunged into the skin as they are twisted and pulled out slowly. The discomfort only elevated when she bawled out ’I want you back’ repeatedly.

And suddenly she jerked awake, in the truest sense. The shadow seemed to be bored of her now as it finally let her out of the nightmare. With tears plopped on her pillow and a throbbing head, she hurried out of bed, looking for him. It was when she saw the picture frame holding his photo that she realized she could never have him back. Her desolation kept igniting and something twisted her stomach. He who was warm like the Sun and gentle like the breeze was now gone. She felt her heart breaking into millions of pieces. She disliked herself for not being enough to have someone around. She hated herself for not being able to stop him from leaving. She loathed herself for not being able to make him happy.

All she had was him. And now that he was gone, she had nothing to go on for. It was as if a precious lost part of herself that she had found was cleaved from her. She kept looking at nothing in particular for hours even though it felt like it had only been a few minutes. The emptiness was now enormous and the yearning, gigantic. How could she keep going on after all she had done to him?

Honestly, it was staring at the knives in her kitchen, that she had been doing for hours. Was she brave enough to leave? Or would she try to stay? She kept wondering all day.

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