Redemption of an Outcast

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: August 14, 2017

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Submitted: August 14, 2017

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In a dark dungeon I lay curled up with my knees up to my chest and my arms wrapped around my knees. I though to myself if I would curl up tight enough I might disappear and that would be the end of this endless sinking feeling that had been tearing me apart. I felt lost and the more I felt I was free falling into the depths of myself, the more I could see deep within me I had sunk to the worst possible place. 

An inner chamber that was so obscure the word shadow does not even begin to describe it.  I felt I was in a place where everything had been hidden even my own light and all I could see was darkness that was so frightening my instinct was to hide or better still to run away from it.  However this time I had nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.  My short breaths a sign of the agonizing pain that had taken over my body made it difficult to stay clear a few faint thoughts crossed my mind that by now almost felt suspended in time. What was this feeling? And why was it so ugly and painful even though I could not put a face to it?  How was I able to sense it or see it even with my eyes covered?Did it have a name or a face?  How did I land here? Is such place even real? Why does it exist and why was it hidden from me? These questions flashing through my mind were not this clear rather mixed with excruciating pain that was making it hard to know whether I was thinking them or they were thinking me.

I knew these questions were seeking answers, however no answer was forthcoming except a feeling of dread and In that moment I felt as if my heart was going to burst out of my chest and that the surge of energy was so strong it seemed in that moment that every pore of my body was waiting for an excuse to liberate it out of my system. Instead I succumbed to a cry that became a howl that was so deep it felt as if it was carrying lifetimes of hurt and pain. In the end the tears became the only faithful servants who heard my call of despair from within and volunteered to release what felt like eons of accumulated pain. These faithful servants and witnesses of the devastation of my inner world were like gentle creatures simply carrying the pain on their shoulders all the way to my eyes to give me a temporary relief of what otherwise would have been an unbearable experience, that had turned a moment in time into what felt like eternal damnation or hell.

The dictionary’s definition of Hell:  A place of perpetual fire where there is eternal punishment for the wicked.

Through the centuries the scriptures indoctrinated us to look out for this as a possibility in the afterlife. Surely this a testament of what would be considered a deserved punishment by a wrathful God who needs to set the records straight by banishing a sinful human being forever into a state of oblivion never to be remembered.  Of course nothing is further from the truth, however something truthful hides within this definition that I believe is a lot closer to our experience as human beings from the earthly perspective that plunges us straight into hell when we are faced with our own inner demons.  This human experience is accompanied by the dread or feeling of being rejected by those around us and that we are in turn forgotten by them and by the almighty God.  However the biggest tragedy is that when we are faced with this illusion we in turn forget ourselves. A place of such isolation becomes in a moment both a place we wish to run away from and an almost impossible place to escape, turning it into the ultimate living hell.

I believe that we spend most of our lives hiding this one aspect of ourselves in the attempt to feel safe in the eyes of the world, but mostly protecting ourselves from the perceived notion that we may never escape from such a dangerous place, all the while unconsciously living in fear and dread that it would take us hostage and in turn deliver us as the Outcast both inner and outer. This place of hidden damnation is Shame and lives within us all like a patient enemy that knows it’s turn for revenge will come and then it can rise to it’s glory of devastation. It’s home a place without comfort or light, and the only way it can survive is when it begins to feed of the only life that it can hold hostage and that is your soul.  For some it creeps up, hiding behind guilt and hurt, and for some it simply appears one day and it feels as though you have become a prisoner in your own body and no matter where you look from that moment your eyes are clouded by this subtle and insidious companion which you feel you never invited let alone gave permission to plunge you into hell.

 

But hell it has been! And this is my story through hell and back.

This is a story about my fall and my redemption from being an outcast, not only in the eyes of those around me, but an outcast from my own inner sacred Garden of Eden. There where joy and fulfillment lies, but most importantly a recount of my journey from the burning fire of my inner hell to forgiveness.  I am here to share it in the hope that it will help you find inspiration as I map this unchartered territory that is so rarely brought to the light perhaps somewhere along the way the clarity I found and the scars I endured in this battle that is often fought in silence and usually never revealed may assist you to navigate a dark world offering you a light to guide you and in turn offer you insights as a way to learn from my fall and emerge into your divine essence and personal empowerment.

I am sharing this with the deepest humility for the journey itself has been one to uncover a deep sense of connection to the Divine. It has put me on notice not of my worthlessness but rather my preciousness and the special place I hold in the Heart of God, and to confront my volatile humanness that can be restored to it’s Royal Divine Dignity only through deep surrender and devotion to the Higher Power or God.

I feel fortunate to have been a witness to a deep process that has helped me to begin a profound healing journey, in the hope to emerge to a more authentic self and to rebirth myself into the new garment of the Divinity made manifest through the acceptance of Christ not as a mere idea but as an experience of invested Glory of Divine Love and Acceptance.This was clearly a delicate and powerful process of dismantling an old garment, a habitual and very ingrained garment indeed one that I am sure I have been carrying for so long the thorn fabric saturated with my own self inflicted pain had become stuck to my skin so much that I could hardly make out that it was just a garment and not my very own skin.

The subtle and precise process of re-investing myself into this new garment of Christ Light was one of meticulously removing the old garment all together rather than attempting to clear the stains and to do so I had to first see and confront a deep issue in this instance the garment itself that was hidden from plain sight because it had become part of the identity I was wearing.  This revelation also brought another level of clarity and that is the awareness that this was not just a personal issue rather a collective issue that plagues humanity at large a sort of dilemma that touches each and everyone of us deeply whether we are aware of it or not.

Looking at our western culture it has become clear to me that most humans are on automatic pilot and very few are aware of the insidious inner issues that color or more to the point stains their world with illusion and pain with which they in turn share with the world around them.  It seem obvious that in the attempt to hide or better still pretend to hide issues like these most people enter relationships damaged and as relics of themselves hoping to magically experience love, peace, joy and connection. Instead issues like these often have been swept under the rug, where emotional and psychological wellbeing is often trivialized by most people with the notion that if we can bypass or hide the deep wound we carry within which is shame, and sugar coat our lives with the pretense that everything is fine, we might go unnoticed and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately this is not the case, in fact most people’s lives are plagued by these very wounds and relationships are left to bleed when the effect of these unhealed wounds strike often with devastating consequences.  Although modern psychology explores the human psyche and it’s effect on our wellbeing, I believe having delved personally and deeply into my being has given me such a clear insight and with it the ability to offer something of the essence that is infused with my unique view and experience. It has opened up for me a doorway into the refined process of detecting, understanding and putting light on denial and how I believe we spend most of our lives hiding and pretending that if we can uphold a perfect persona that somehow we can be accepted and loved for who we are and seen as ultimately good human beings.  Of course whilst this is the ultimate truth, and whilst we are perfect in the eyes of our Lord Christ and God we must first, as I discovered during this process, admit to our human flaws and with it the sometimes wicked ways our inner demons have sculpted the false image dressing us of a garment that is without a doubt one not worthy of our pure nature when we are bathed in the Light of Christ.

With this intent in mind and heart, I believe it is time we start opening ourselves up to the vulnerability of being seen and in doing so perhaps we might open a doorway in dealing with the many facets of our humanness in a way that is more accepting and ultimately healing.  This may become a small step towards relinquishing the need to wear unnecessary masks of adaptation and self betrayal in order to live authentically and without the fear of being rejected and unaccepted. To do this we must first relinquish the idea that we are almighty and rather accept that of our own we can do nothing!  And accept that unless we fully merge with the Divine in total surrender we are just like vagabonds without aim, and without purpose or without a way to actually making it HOME to Christ and God!

Please accept at this point that I am not attempting to introduce God as a religious concept, in fact I am absolutely certain God does not need an introduction in this instance but is rather the Master builder and writer of this story or should I say of this journey that is as much His journey as it is mine.

Considering that this breath I am breathing is His breath without which I would not be able to be in this body nor would these fingers be able to type these words that are teamed with every ounce of intelligence, knowing each molecules in my body is powered 100% by God Source or Divine Intelligence, I think it is fair for me to say at this point that God is the One who has orchestrated not just my journey but my ability to write about it and therefore in my experience God is real as real as this moment within which I am alive.  So whether you are a believer in God or not or whether you have been disappointed by the established institutions, I invite you to just sit for a moment in silence close your eyes and question yourself this. Is your breath in this moment a given? Are you doing the breath or is this a gift of the mystery of God that was given to you from the moment you took your first breath? Can you control it? Can you stop it even with your will power?  If not then please realize that this miracle of life has been with you from the moment of your existence and therefore deserves if not belief in God at least a moment of gratitude that without it you would not be able to be alive. Are you with me on this one? Whilst this is not attempt to convert you or make you believe in my experience it is my way of expressing gratitude to God by acknowledging it as my truth. It is the first point of humbleness of my insignificant yet precious to God existence.

Now let me move to the other reason as to why I am sharing this story.  I believe that the place I visited in the past weeks that resulted in me uncovering this deep and dark aspect of myself is also a place that is visited by many who in turn, instead of emerging from it end up choosing another way out. Unfortunately the tragedy of this is that although they may have succeeded at halting the unbearable pain and the reason behind their pain, their message never makes it into our world. Because once they are gone, silence is the only thing that they leave behind and with it many unanswered questions. Those left behind and who are sensitive will be able to hear the cry of the desperation that their loved ones felt only as an echo.  However often no matter how much they search within that echo answers to the mystery as to why their loved ones had to depart that way may never really come.

Delving into the underworld where our deepest darkest secrets and fears are locked away and recognizing some of the inner faces we dare not look into the eyes of,  may hold the key to not just avoiding these tragic experiences but may well hold the promise of redemption and true healing.

I call the descent into this underworld, the descent to hell, and whether it is shame that contributes to the descent into hell or not, I believe now that it is closely connected to to a deep sense of unworthiness of love and happiness.  And whether the unworthiness comes first or shame first is like trying to solve the riddle of what comes first the chicken or the egg? It really matters not what comes first, I guess the point I am trying to make is the predicament in which we find ourselves in once we plunge into this dark underworld is really what we are concerned with and the reason is because once we become hostage of such treacherous grounds it sometimes becomes a survival of the fittest kind of a battle and unless we are aware of what we are dealing with and strong especially if we did not get outside help it can be a very dangerous proposition.

When we are visitors of these depths, the way it usually plays itself out in the outer world is one becomes completely oblivious to reality. We begin to filter everything through this dark lens of sorrow and pain, which means that reality although distorted becomes very real to the perceiver. The outside world looks like a very lonely place to live in and the sense of rejection, which of course comes from being disconnected from one’s true Christ like nature, becomes the only place of abode.  Once in this predicament it sometimes becomes impossible to see a way out. This hell becomes the burning place of despair from which place many do not escape alive. 

From my experience I believe there is nothing more painful to a human being than feeling an outcast, rejected, unwanted, and simply deprived of feeling included and accepted. There are of course other painful human emotions such as grief for the loss of loved ones, a child which is by no means even in the league of such an experience however this too in my view is a form of grief and is synonymous of loss in this instance a deep loss of sense of self, as often we do identify our self worth and sense of self in relationship to others. I believe we do this because our nature as social species and interdependent to one another, makes it difficult for us to survive in a way that is totally autonomous and independent without feeling alone, or disconnected.  As social beings I feel we thrive in the sense of belonging.

Having said this I believe there is another way to expose this insidious inner malady that is most likely at the core of human misery. I believe it is time to confront what has been hidden so that we can shine our humanness instead of having to carry shame as a burden, by wearing masks to cover it and behaviors that shield us from being authentic in the hope that we are never found out. Unless we expose it’s devious plot we may never emerge out of it and set ourselves and those around us free. It is without a doubt a brave thing to do, an act of faith an almost mission impossible, an attempt to navigate unchartered terrain with no map and no weapons but one’s own heart and deep trust and faith, one that as I discovered and found out almost risking my own life, was worth risking. The reason I say it was worth risking my life for, is because I was fortunate enough to delve so deep and with such faith and trust that the gift I emerged with far exceeded the value of what I personally discovered. 

Perhaps the circumstances around my story are not so tragic, however the experience of shame was so totally devastating.  The intensity I felt was so all consuming,  that only through my inner strength and willingness to be burned by the flames of my inner hell I was able to then rise and bring back this experience as a testament of my human goodness in spite of whatever lied hidden within my inner chamber and to this I owe thanks to Christ, the Divine Mother and God, so I hope you will bear with me and allow me to unfold this story for you so that I can invite you to participate into the mystery and reality of something deeply and profoundly transforming.

So here goes….

About eight weeks ago I ended a fifteen years marriage.  Whilst no marriage breakup is ever easy I found my experience to be particularly painful perhaps because it touched my very core or perhaps because I have always experienced everything in life intensely.  It has been by far one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make in my life, firstly because deep in my heart I loved my husband, but especially because we also have a son who is 13 and whom I adore.  Whilst I would love to write about how I got to that moment, attempting to explain it in a few words I feel would not do it justice.  Suffice to say though that by the time I got to that diabolical moment I was already broken and grief stricken.

The grief I had been feeling had been ongoing and had deeply intensified in the last six months, however it had been there for years prior to the breakup, most of which was detectable only in moments of disharmony between us.  I was for the most part deeply unhappy in the marriage I felt lonely and emotionally abandoned, the man of my life the one I deeply loved and adored had lost interest in who I was, and my needs went progressively unmet and dismissed as they often went unheard or attended to. What was once a spontaneous merging of two hearts had become a painful journey of effort, each attempt had become like trying to escalate Mount Everest.  A painful climb that left me often feeling exhausted and drained.  It was like we were speaking two different languages, literally! I became increasingly anxious and needy and the more I was trying to gain his love and approval and to somehow recreate the magic that was once between us the more he withdrew and pushed me away. On the exterior he became more of a pleaser yet there was an un mistakable subtle language that became the testimony of his displeased and resentful self, which was painful enough, till one day I gazed into his eyes and Love was no longer residing there in it’s place I saw contempt this was definitely the beginning of the end.

My heartbreak had obviously began a long time before it started showing sings on the surface, and whilst I was in denial about it as much as my husband was, there were obvious sings that no lover that knows the true ecstasy of togetherness can miss. It is that unmistakable synergetic alliance that the lovers who recognize in the other the ‘one’ or the ‘beloved’ without having to make oneself understood or try to understand the other, the recognition that the perfection of the moment requires no input at an intellectual or logical level because there is a flow and an understanding where gestures, gazes take precedence, that mystical language that is spoken by the lovers who are attuned with one another without uttering a word where no misunderstanding is ever possible. As the realization of the death of such alignment was surfacing I became desperately attached to wanting to recreate it, and in doing so failed miserably.

To accept that moment of disintegration of my world as I knew it was the initial painful stage. And whilst I knew at that point that it was over and that Love no longer resided in his heart I somehow could not accept it, and so I stayed for a while longer, though during that time the unthinkable happed. I became the worst version of myself and with that burden I carried both the pain of the revelation of seeing the shadow of my former self emerge and him play a game of power unlike any other, whilst I carried both the pain of my lost love and also my lost love for my self, until the day I decided to walk away not only I did so without my Love but also without my Self.

No human being should be stripped of their sense of self however it happens all the time that somehow we relinquish our power to others whether consciously or unconsciously and begin to instead adopt an identity that resembles more how other see us than how we truly are, and this was my predicament. By the time I left I had become the nagging, annoying, demanding, controlling and aggressive woman, so in short a man’s worst nightmare! In truth though behind every gesture there was an increasing cry for Love and the more I felt rejected the more I craved the Love that never came which started a vicious circle that in the end was eroding into my sense of self worth and esteem,  I felt unlovable, unlikable, and my hopeless attempt to gain ground saw me in turn  plunge deeper into the hell that I was already experiencing.

The sense of deep isolation and rejection I felt in my relationship by that point was so total that it had also filtered through all other areas of my life. I became restless and unable to co-create magic in my life which till some time earlier I was always able to do. The essential bond of our relationship had died obviously a lot further back than I cared to admit, and my attempt to recapture that magical something was a little like trying to hold running water in the palm of my hand. The more I tried to squeeze to hold it the quicker it was dissipating.

There are thousand of psychology books that deal with this subject in a more professional and in depth manner and in no way I am an expert or am I attempting to explain it from that perspective. However from what I have read I have discovered that it is well documented that often separation or loss create powerful cathartic experiences. This does not occur before throwing us into chaos the unknown and pushing us to navigate through the unchartered terrain of negative emotions like fear, anger, guilt, regret, hate and disdain, which is in essence unresolved hurt, and when these emotions are raw, pain is inevitable resulting of course in lack of clarity.

When I said unchartered terrain, I meant that it does not matter how many times we have experienced those emotions, truth is when they are connected with ending a relationship it ‘s like navigating a new terrain altogether.  The grief and sense of loss is so total and from what I learnt it is probably because when we decided to move away from a partner it feels as if part of us is being torn out of our body but also the loss of sense of identity feel like there is nowhere to turn to.

The other thing I experienced is that it does not matter how ready we think we are even if we are making that choice, the reality and the impact of dealing with this loss is so deep and radical it almost feels as if we are going crazy and when we are not going crazy it feel as if we are going through a death and nothing can prepare us for impact.

After my initial decision to leave I began to create resistance, due to my own fear, about loosing the familiar and stepping into the unknown. In short I was terrified!.

Looking back now I am sure that because our interactions were clouded with disappointment and hurt, and I say our because my husband by that point was also in reactive mode, in a heated moment of not feeling comprehended I was unkind both in words and deed for a moment and although I received my fair share of unkindness from him, what I had done had repercussions on me.

After verbally arguing, I pushed him and grabbed his glasses and crushed them to the floor. This incident was the culmination of a few months of intense exchanges, some of which resembled what I can describe as aggression mainly from my part at least in an obvious way. However he too did not miss out on retaliating, and whilst at times he looked like an innocent by-stander his inner aggression by way of ignoring me and leaving me in my own upset state for days was a testament of two individuals who had lost their capacity to clearly set boundaries, and also initiate healing but mainly to care for one another.

Although I had began observing this outer aggression in the past few months almost to my disbelief it was clear to me that this symptom was hiding a far deeper and subtle aggression and indeed I was to discover that this was so only later.

What I was to experience in the days that followed that heated moment where I had lost my center was short of a miracle and something that initiated a total and radical transformation in me. However it did not come without it’s fair share of deep pain. In essence the pain was so intense it felt as if I was going to die and died I did. But first let me explain how and why I am still here or what of that “I” died that day and what emerged from that experience.

After our separation we decided to co-exist under the same roof. And whilst it seemed my husband had almost instinctively found his perfect comfort zone of not having to ‘deal with me anymore’ and yet at the same time live under the same roof without having to change much of what was familiar to him, he seemed to have found a renewed sense of freedom which meant he started going out at night and also not returning sometimes till the next day, without me obviously knowing his whereabouts.  This arrangement was never discussed rather it became quickly the default place of operating, under the new circumstances and whilst it seemed fine for him It became instead for me increasingly painful to cope with it.  The reason was mainly because I found it hard to switch off my emotional body and not reacting to his indifference and also at times what I felt was clear crossing of my personal boundaries, which of course he had no idea he was doing by ignoring me, not talking or making any attempts to talk or resolve some of the issues that where now pending.  Suddenly the moment we were no longer a couple all other issues like the financial issues, the care of the household and also of our son’s needs became a hindrance and difficult to manage as they were no longer part of our integrated living as a couple. In short we had become strangers under the same roof living in a state of limbo with this open wound that seem to increasingly become more painful.

I spent most of the time crying.  I felt I had become hostage of my bedroom, where I spent all my time, I felt frozen in time, helpless and without a way out,  my home no longer a familiar place of love and harmony. Whilst he was operating his business from under the house and seemed to function just fine, especially whilst he was able to avoid and ignore me, I had pretty much collapsed into grief for weeks, and therefore I was not able to work, or function in a way that was supporting me financially or otherwise.  Since most of my work has been through the years to support and assist others as a healer, and therapist, it became virtually impossible for me to step into that role whilst I was dealing with so much grief, nor did I feel I had the physical energy to self promote my work, as that has been the basis of it’s operation.

The other difficult thing for me was that I was literally camping in my master bedroom and whilst there was the convenience of it having a separate entrance and bathroom, I had to set up a little kitchenette area so I could cook for my self and my son. To make it practical I set up a small electric stove next to the sink in my bathroom as it was the only place I could cook and then wash up, unthinkable right? Well that was my only option if I was to avoid bumping into him in the house.

Aside from the discomfort of having to cook in my bathroom which in retrospect looked like a genius idea, I was really struggling with the indifference the silence, not talking and ignoring one another, but also having to witness his evening outings without being able to know his whereabouts was deeply hurtful. I spent endless nights up crying and feeling a deep sense of rejection, betrayal, abandonment and loss everything intensified. I had no idea how to go from being his partner/lover to simply adapt to this arrangement of being housemates. I guess it made sense to him however it made absolutely no sense to me.  To make matters worst I was totally isolated for weeks and felt no desire to see other people or go out and find things to comfort or distract me so I was deeply immersed into this grief and I guess I am sure you would agree by now that this was definitely a recipe for disaster!

So by the time I got to argue with him the day I pushed him and broke his glasses I was at break point and carrying so much pain in my heart that it was really a no brainer as to why the situation got a little out of hand and perhaps did not really match that kind of aggression but the truth is I was reacting to me feeling so violated and hurt that it simply became no longer containable. I was beside myself and I wanted that hurt to end. I realized that the wound that was open would not be healing if he was under the same roof and so I was proposing that he left. Of course he refused and the argument became more heated as by then I saw his defiant behavior as a deliberate tactic to continue hurting my feelings, and also controlling me and manipulating me into submission and continuous instability,  which I found insulting and hurtful.  His exterior calm demeanor showing indifference to my obvious distress amplified my pain.

After receiving  my fair share of verbal abuse from him in a moment of non clarity I thought it would be a good idea to get some back up help so a called the police in the hope they would help me to resolve the issue in question which in that instance was that I was requesting him to move out of the house as I was finding it too emotionally distressing to be under the same roof since we had already been separated for about 6 weeks.  The police arrived and after my sincere confession as to order of events, and a deposition from my husband, I was handed a domestic violence order as the accused.

This initial impact of judgment from the authorities created an immediate wave of emotions from anger, guilt, indignation, fear of being seen as bad, rejected but mostly I felt a sense of injustice as I felt I had arrived at that point obviously somewhere along the way having experienced hurt and rejection, but also having experience a more subtle or passive form of aggression in my relationship which of course was not something tangible by those who had not lived in the relationship.

So in this instance this double betrayal was like adding insult to injury and for hours after that moment I was in disbelief. The realization that my honesty  was used against me and that instead of my husband protecting me he handed me to the system to be dealt with by obviously adding his side of the story, was probably one of the deepest disappointments I felt in my life.  And whilst I knew that he was intimidated by the events I was bewildered as to how he persuaded himself to simply do away with me in that way.  It sounds strange looking back now but in that moment I felt as if he nullified fifteen years of our being together I felt he took his rejection and dismissal to the ultimate place of indifference and that gesture was enough to bury any bit of love I may have felt for him from that moment onwards.

That moment of judgment and betrayal came as a total shock as I felt my soul bare naked in front of these two men in uniform who in my view displayed a false sense of authority given to them only by a system that is obviously not really in touch with the human dilemma but rather is part of a system designed only to exacerbate and aggravate issues such as these.  

Two men who knew absolutely nothing about our journey together saw it fit to simply dish out a piece of paper that implied I was an aggressor without taking into account anything that even remotely may have taken me to that break point.  I felt again my vulnerable humanness was violated in a difficult moment where probably all I needed was reassurance that I was lovable and ok rather than being judged and penalized.

Looking in the eyes of these frightened men who pretended to be strong just because they were wearing a bullet proof vest and some guns made my realize what a sick society we must live in, if we delegate these issues to people who have no idea how to deal with the human condition rather they simply put in the too hard basket without considering the emotional and psychological implication it may have on people.  I felt violated when they pointed to the fact that a few incidents were enough to make me stand out as what they considered to be an aggressor and therefore that I committed domestic violence which meant I was to be reprimanded by a judge, it was then that I saw Shame for the first time at least with this intensity.

The initial emotion that was covering shame was of course anger and frustration, the reasoning behind it was because I felt that not only I was already hurt and in grief from enduring years in what felt like an unfulfilling relationship, not only had I been feeling that I was at the receiving end of what I later identified as a passive aggressive relationship, the symptoms of which were so subtle that the years of denial of my husband about it, slowly creped into my unconscious settling as my own self doubt and self rejection.  Not only this subtle yet powerful process had eroded into my self esteem and self worth contributing to my feeling of isolation and depression, I was now confronted with being an aggressor.

So after my initial shock I went to my room and sat on my bed the immediate impact of this reality was so devastating all I could do was cry actually sob at the injustice of it all.  I tried to get some sleep that night and at 2:00 am that morning the Police turned up at my doorstep to officially serve me with the court date and the temporary order.I guess I could only describe that moment as the epitome of insensitivity from a system that is obviously not in tune with humanness for to be woken up from sleep just to be served a piece of paper defies any human intelligence, especially when the issue in question was definitely not to the extend of needing such urgency. Anyway looking back now even that moment played it’s part.

After they left I sat silently on the bed with this piece of paper staring at me and it felt as if there were a thousand fingers pointing at me. It felt as every judgment I ever had and every wrong doing or blame I received from others was totally justified and therefore now set in concrete as I was officially guilty!!!  I looked at this piece of paper a testament of what seemed like my inadequate self, for quite some time. The silence in the room became deafening but the roaring sound of my thoughts was now filling every single space in the room. 

Some of those thoughts I could have sworn were most likely there to anaesthetize a pain that became unbearable. I cradled myself in song thinking about a story I heard many months prior about a tribe in Africa that when someone commits an offence or does something bad, the tribe surrounds him and begins to sing to him what an amazing person he is, and how lovable he is, repeating to him all his good qualities so that he may restore himself back to his authentic and beautiful self instead there I was alone having to face my supposed wickedness.  Of course by that point I as grief stricken and now also fear stricken as to the implication of such judgment and ordeal to face I could not hold myself up to feeling guiltless rather I felt ugly, bad and an outcast as I knew the news of my behavior would travel fast into the family and those around me.

This I believe was the momentI felt I had fallen from Grace and there it was written in black and white a socially unacceptable behavior a moment of expressed anger was exposed.  I thought guilt was the responsible party for my pain, no wait it was anger, grief, disappointment, indignation, and then I began to fall deeper within. The deeper I went the darker it became each emotion with its own quality, texture and face and then eventually as I delved deeper amidst the dark space almost undetectable I saw Her standing in a corner with ragged clothes and no facial expression this time I saw her face, it was painted grey and she had dark circles under her eyes her shoulders almost looked as if they were pulled down by gravity as she had no strength to pull them up.  It looked as if she had been there standing and waiting forever but somehow forgotten and dismissed and the darkness around her was enveloping her.

She was not looking at me but I had a feeling she wanted to, her head bowed down in total disgrace with no hope to be redeemed, she was Shame the outcast whose role was to initiate me into the descent into hell!  No sooner I spotted her I felt a pull into a dark ally and the faster I felt I was walking the deeper I was going.

Dread and Fear were now the only companions and whilst I now could only sense them I could not help but feel there was a hand holding mine almost as if to reassure me.  How could that be I thought to myself that Shame is reassuring me? Is she not here to descent me into hell so that I too can be forgotten by the world?  Was she not waiting for me so that she could exercise her revenge on me to satisfy all that has ever been unworthy of Her existence? Funny how some moments of darkness can bring also the most subtle glimpses of light and clarity.

The deeper I sank the more I struggled to surface, it was then that my rational mind came to what seem like the rescue mission like a devious army that is only out to conquer an enemy but has no clue how to do it.  So the next day I began to think how to avoid the situation including how to expose my husband for contributing to this situation.  I felt after all he was partly responsible and that he should take half the blame.  I felt unjustly blamed for a situation that surely had two parties in it,  I thought does it not take two to tango? What happened to the one that was dancing with me the dance of my demise? Has he abandoned me mid dance? Surely I can summon him to the court and get him to at least acknowledge that he had been dancing with me till that moment when the music stopped and therefore he is partly responsible for this?  So I started preparing a counter attack, it was good enough to at least create a stir in the pot, exposing my husband’s weaknesses and his contribution to this event I thought would have given me some satisfaction.

However the more ideas I got to disentangle myself from the pain I felt, the more the intensity of it was getting stronger. I recognized by that point that I was afraid of humiliation and the truth was I did not want to face that.  By that point my logic was trying to override the pain my justification to delegate at least some of the blame became a temporary avoidance strategy. However soon I realized that I was really just delaying a very important healing process, which of course till I received the invitation and accepted it I was not able to step into it.

The hearing was a week from the incident and those days were crucial in undertaking a deep healing journey.  Firstly that week I had to deal with the first part of the humiliation as I was contacted by a number of people from the Police department who were assigned to counsel me and also to advise of the possible outcome and implication of holding a temporary domestic violence order. The conversations were lengthy and I had to talk about the issue but also listen to different people give me their version and advice on the matter. Including my lawyer whom I had contacted and whom by that point was instigating more fear in me, by proposing the order could have escalated and prevented me from being in the house or seeing my child.  So for days I fluctuated between justification, self rejection, criticism, blame, guilt, shame in short I was terrified. 

I felt I embarked on a solo dance that was no longer in tune or in harmony with who I truly was.  I discovered that in spite of all this inner dance I was still stuck in more pain which I could not seem to eradicate from my system.  It felt that no matter where I went I could not hide from it, because I was now uncovered, seen, just like Adam and Even in the Garden of Eden I felt exposed and that even though others could not see or hear my thoughts God could!

So after a long and painful actually agonizing few days, I decided to do something that was going to change everything. I decide to follow the trail of my pain! I followed it and the deeper I went the more ammunition I found for self rejection self blame and of course projection. 

I began to soon notice that there were so many incidents in my life that resembled that same situation, and I could not help but feel that they were somehow all connected. These were times when I felt I had been betrayed, rejected, excluded, criticized,  judged,  but incidents where I had done the same, and  it was in that moment that laying  in the dark dungeon with Shame started making sense.  I realized that Shame was the initiator of that which was occurring and had been occurring in my life resulting in rejection, feeling excluded, criticized and betrayed. And the reason I felt Shame was creating all those circumstances that brought to life the behavior was because it felt an outcast and abandoned by myself others and by God.

Of course the way that this experience was now manifesting through circumstances in my outer world was that I was unaccepted by others and to support that illusion,  I was now to stand and be made guilty and therefore even more rejected.  

This intricate cover up story was actually very simple, Shame had been orchestrating my life movie for years and it was not till this moment that I was able to see She was the main character and the Star of the Show!  A very intricate psychological thriller, almost ingenious, to the point of going totally undetected at least till I faced this deepest and darkest truth!

A few pennies started to drop but nothing was to prepare me for the next level of revelation in this journey.  The first thing that happened once I identified Shame was the initiator of this drama and that this deep emotion actually went as far back to even before I can remember I released the need for revenge. Instead I set myself on a course of confronting my own inner judge who obviously up to that point I thought was outside of myself.

Once I released my need for revenge and instead checked in with my inner pain connected to Shame, I was then offered a revelation that came a day before my court case.

It happened after I had called a friend in desperation and after she came to meet me in a park where she found me sitting on the curb with my head between my hands totally lost and of course covered in Shame!  After we had a long talk, I ended up inviting her for coffee. And over a warm mocha and coffee, we talked about so many things some obviously struck her and at one point she paused she looked at me and said “that’s amazing, your insights about these things you are speaking of is totally surprising to me, I cannot believe that you are going through so much distress and your clarity is impeccable, it almost feels like today you have come to help me, rather than I came to help you, and I would say without a doubt this is a Divine Appointment’!

And a Divine Appointment it was indeed!  Because little did she know that statement transformed me inside out!  In that moment I realized that I was not unacceptable or an outcast, rather that I was worthy good at heart and that in my Soul I always long to uplift and inspire therefore it was time I did the same for me in that instance.  No sooner I came to this insight I had to drive her home, and whilst driving on the way back home, I heard a soft almost angelic like voice whisper in my right ear these words

 “My daughter accept this invitation with grace, accept it and walk with dignity and humility, tomorrow accept to be judged and know that the scent of a rose can never be contaminated…You are that rose’ she continued and said  “Your acceptance of this judgment will be your freedom”

She then told me she was La Madre, which in Italian means The Mother.It was the first time I heard a statement that resonated so true and was totally void of any judgment. It was clean, clear uncontaminated with human preconceived ideas of me. It was as if She knew me inside out and she knew deep in my heart I was a worthy child of the Divine. It felt She knew that nothing about what I had done was really intended for harm, and that I was just hurt and was not able to hide it, but mostly that my heart was in innocence and that innocence could never be tainted. I guess that is what She meant when she said that the scent of a rose cannot be contaminated.It felt as if I was residing in that acceptance a place that I had never truly left a sense of freedom and surrender pervaded me.

I came to my room and spent the rest of the afternoon in tears this time of deep gratitude, and by the evening something more revelations came to me. As I kept visiting my inner chamber with the intent not to loose track of my inner healing process, I was shown that in truth the domestic violence I was being accused of was related to something a lot closer to home.

 I realized that essentially I was guilty of something that had eluded me for most of my life and that is of violating myself.  In esoteric teachings I learnt earlier in my life that the body is the temple of our soul more precisely it is the true ‘home’ we inhabit. So how had I committed domestic violence against this body, mind, emotion and soul?

I had committed domestic violence against my inner being every time I did not honor myself, every time I did not stand in my truth, or when I did that I then dismissed myself with self doubt and self rejection. I had committed domestic violence every time I said yes in my relationships especially this last one, when I wanted to say no, and every time I gave permission to be touched even when it did not feel right. I violated my body by sometimes not nourishing it with good food, my mind by allowing negative thoughts and behaviors to consume my inner world, and my emotions to dictate who I should be, based on who others established I should be. I committed violence against myself when I forgot who I truly was, and that is a child of creation, love manifest and divine inside out, warts an all.

Discovering this truth was a revelation and it opened instantly a portal wherein I could see where the distortion that created the inner and outer violence originated from. I then saw all the unkind actions of my mother and my mother’s mother, and of all the people in my life. I saw how through the years those I loved and myself had been hurt through the actions of those who in turn never apologized for having acted in an unkind way that may have inflicted pain. I saw the hurt of the very single human being and realized that every single one aside from those enlightened ones that have freed themselves from the wheel of Samsara carried that seed forward into our humanity as it is now. I saw my own imperfections too. Seeing the origin of the past hurt that created shame was already a discovery seeing the generational hurt and shame extraordinary, but seeing the connection to the entire human existence was truly what I consider a revelation and miracle to behold. I am not sure why I was being revealed this and how it related to everything I had ever experienced to that moment regarding my own shame, but somehow in a strange kind of way it made perfect sense.

It was then in that precise moment that what I now would call the silent witness that I felt I was connected to at all times during this inner journey, nodded to me in acknowledgment that what I was seeing and feeling but mostly what I was acknowledging would set me on the right course towards my healing. The silent witness I felt was a Higher Power that was overlooking my every move, word and deed. It felt as if it had no gender, identity, or color. The best way I could describe it is as a Presence that had not agenda, it also had no emotions or thoughts connected to it, it was totally there in that moment and was never not there but rather always there. It even felt it was there from before I myself was there.

I was shown by the silent witness that everything and everyone is connected and therefore admitting guilt and doing so consciously with heart and intent would dissolve the imprint carried from generation to generation. The silent witness then showed me the layers upon layers of denial that individuals including myself have used to cover this painful aspect of themselves resulting in the amplification and the perpetuating of pain and suffering. It made me see how I avoided my own shame by covering it up with layers of self denial, and at times insisting on upholding a perfect persona for the sake of others and their acceptance.

The silent witness showed me many things but mainly the destructive path that humans take that result in failed relationships because of the unwillingness of accepting, admitting, and taking responsibility for this deeply destructive emotion and how Shame created a deep collective wound that had not been healed for eons and this is why I was also feeling the pain so intensely because I had tapped into the collective Shame. As strange as it may sound this place of despair opened a portal of connectedness and universality that I cannot explain in words, It was almost as this was a juncture where everything comes together into oneness. The only other time that I experienced this was during deep mystical states of pure joy and bliss and ecstasy.

Now this was curious to me because I could not understand how such place of darkness and despair could reveal itself to be the same connecting point of universal truth and oneness.  Could it be that the depth and height that we are able to connect into are one and the same and are part of the Source or God that is undividable or separate? Could it be that the black and white, the good and bad is simply an illusion?  Is it possible that as in the yin and yang there exists the unified field meaning that one is inside the other as they cannot be separated.  The light is in the dark and dark in the light, which in turns comes to the dark which is the light?  This made me ponder, and I am still pondering on it, however one thing is sure, and that is that this profound experience of connection to the dark aspect of my soul became now a place of revelation rather than a place to fear.

The day passed and finally the dreaded day arrived and on the day of the court case I walked in with intent as I was invited by La Madre whose presence I felt as she posed her hand on my left shoulder, and whilst most of those present in the room including my husband who so lovingly from a higher aspect of himself was collaborating with all those present to make sure I was ‘justly served with the guilty verdict  were unaware of this Divine Alliance I had formed with the Divine Mother who graciously gave me her Love and support helping me to stand in commitment to my healing,  I knew this moment was going to make a difference in my life.  I realize then that the invitation I accepted was to come and heal my inner violence by admitting that I had been guilty of doing so, and that this was the only way I could free myself from this pattern. What I did not realize till that moment was that in admitting to this guilt and shame that I felt and it being connected to that point of unity and universality by me releasing myself all collective shame was also lifted as well.

I am sure you might be curious as to what this means and how is it possible that I felt the underlying violence that others commit was also lifted with my conscious action, I guess the only way I can explain it is like this. The moment I admitted with heart and showed remorse for what transpired, I released the energy that was keeping me hostage, which was judgment and since the way we view the world outside of ourselves is always through the filter of our inner world, it seemed normal that as I freed myself of judgment of my shame in that moment all of a sudden everyone else was also free of it!  I have no idea if that lasted a split of a second or it set course as a ripple to continue to effect consciousness on this planet, suffice to say it felt like a deeply liberating moment that started something within me which is now a continuum and unmistakably real.

However before I run ahead of myself, I now need to share another part of the journey that was a bit more subtle which part was also connected to this healing process.  It was the part where I had to somehow find the courage to release something deeper. Whilst I had admitted to an outside authority or judge my guilt and in turn released it from within, I had to confront pride.

But before that I must share my exit and then journey back home from Court. As I walked out of this building not sure what I had done, or not done, I felt both a sense of relief but also somewhat a strange burden. I wandered the inner city street like a lost soul and no sooner I got down the next block I found a protest of hundreds of people protesting their right to freedom of sorts. How interesting I just came out of a court and now I am seeing all these people claiming to want justice and freedom. I turned a corner and a few hundred meters up the road stood a magnificent church that I know so well, as it was one I got married in.  I walked in and there I found comfort for a moment. I sat in prayer for a few minutes and then in front of me was a bible. I opened it and this was the page I read

“ Psalm 22”

My God my God why have you deserted me?

Why are you so far away

Won’t you listen to my groans and

Come to my rescue?

I cry out day and night but you don’t

Answer and I can never rest

You are the Holy God ruling from

Your throne

And praised by Israel

Our Ancestors trusted you

And you rescued them

Whey they cried out for help you saved them

And you didn’t let them down

When they depended on you

But I am merely a worm far less

Than human and I am hated

And rejected

By people everywhere

Everyone who sees me makes fun

And sneers me

They shake their heads and say

Trust the Lord if you are his favourite

Let him protect you and keep you safe

You Lord brought me safety through

My birth and you protected me

When I was a baby at my mother’s

Breast

From the day I was born I have been in

Your care and from the time of my birth

You have been my God

Don’t stay far away when I am in trouble

With no one to help me.

Of course this psalm continues and is quite lengthy but this message rang so true to my heart that I began to weep.  It was after a while I realized there was a young man standing in the isle. He was tall with dark hair, he looked indian, and oddly enough he was wearing a jacket that said Italy on it, given that is where I was born I thought that was quite synchronistic. He turned around and asked me if I was ok, and of course at that point I sincerely said to him no, not really I am not ok!  He sat next to me and turned out to be a writer and a young man who was studying in Brisbane. A gentle soul with a wonderful outlook in life, I felt his wisdom was beyond his years, and it was easy to pour my heart out after all I was in the house of God and what a better place than just share my sorrow with a stranger who was quite compassionate and understanding.

My journey back home was not as interesting and although I felt something profound had shifted in me from that whole experience in court  and God’s message and messenger, I also knew that I had to deal with another part of this journey, a part I felt without which would have made every single step, every experience, every moment of this journey completely meaningless. To do the next step I had to first ask myself some deep questions and they were :- What was it that enabled me to undertake this deep journey with humility and surrender?  What was the key that opened the doorway to my healing?  What did I have to find in the ravel, and what was the ‘gold’ I had to dig for?

To that my answer was that the initial part of this process was self acceptance, but the key to releasing the deeper hidden flaw that was pride, was self forgiveness first and forgiveness for the other and the situation, and to realize that I had to truly release blame and I mean both ways.

I had to step into my heart and discover that it is in there that the Gold is hidden. Once I removed the distance between who I think I am and who others think I am, and who I am deep in my heart and soul, once I unraveled the truth of who I am and that is a child of Christ and that my humanness may be flawed at times, however also that it is not the flaws that define me. I was able to see with crystal clarity that what actually defines me is my willingness to see my flaws allow myself to be exposed and transparent and then make an effort to cultivate more acceptance and kindness for the flaws in me and in others. It allowed me to uncover the truth of my original innocence as a child of Christ that is always essentially connected to God and that it is this Divine Nature that defines me if we could describe it this way. Ultimately what I mean is that we are limitless and our true nature boundless. I was able to observe this from a place of neutral and it was in that moment that I felt it was time to release another inner demon.

The amount of justification that this energy engaged my mind in was an extraordinary effort. However fortunately I was able to override even this. It took me just over a week to arrive at this release.  It was a morning when I was having breakfast with my son, and as we were chatting all of a sudden I looked into his eyes and through them I saw myself reflected and the message that came to me in that moment was “What example do I want to give my son”? And so I took his hand and went downstairs where my husband was, and I allowed my son to be a witness for a moment of forgiveness. I told my husband that I was not going to let myself be held back from resentment and that if he accepted an embrace I was open to it. So he accepted and we embraced and I said “I am sorry”.  Needless to say no sorry came from his mouth, then again forgiveness is never about what others do but rather to do with our ability to raise above our own limitations regardless.

Now since that moment of self-forgiveness and therefore forgiving the other much has transpired. I have fallen and risen many times within this journey, but one thing I have discovered and that is that just because you have forgiven in a moment it does not mean that your mind will not wander in dark places again seeking to blame one self and the other. In fact quite the opposite! However one thing that I am always aware of is that each time it happens I am willing to stay open to my own healing process and neither project nor suppress that which is transpiring in that moment.

Today just as I was completing this writing, I had the pleasure of reading a book that deals with healing shame.  It’s a book based on Christian principles and of course none other than Jesus is the central theme on how to feel redeemed from shame. Part of the teachings are based upon the relationship we have to God and that we can re-connect with God as He has already forgiven us and in particular those of us who feel outcast, rejected by the world and are feeling self shame, and unworthy of love.  Those of us who feel unaccepted, misunderstood, and unwanted, those of us who have retreated in isolation for the wound we carry is too deep. God the Merciful one, is apparently beside those who feel helpless, and hide in despair that somewhere along the way they have failed.  Well all I can say is Thank GOD for that! For without God’s GRACE I don’t believe any of this Healing would have been possible.

For now though as I explore this deep sense of loss and what feels like a failure in my life I look within myself and observe a tiny light, a ray of hope that this too shall pass and I can’t help but feel that there must be a reason as to why all of this has transpired. Is it that I am here to bear witness of my humanness? Of the rise and fall and rise again of our glorious self that whilst it appears sometime it creates havoc and disruption, what is actually doing is simply rearranging our reality to be aligned with who we truly are and that is LOVE.

I believe LOVE is made up of many divine qualities some being, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, kindness, caring, empathy, surrender, courage, determination, and humility this last one being I believe the cornerstone of them all. And unless we are humbled we are never truly close to the Divine and also the Divinity in others. I believe this life is a working ground to strip us of all that is in the way of becoming invested in these divine aspects that are the essential nature of our being.  But one of those divine qualities that will always call to our Heart is patience,  patience with oneself for falling, and then again for not being perfect,  for making mistakes, and for hurting others, whether  consciously or unconsciously.  Patience and Kindness towards myself have been the hardest to practice during this process.  Expecting to be different, has been the biggest stumbling block.  Looking at myself through the judgment of others has amplified my sense of inadequacy and imperfection and I feel I somehow need to be different but I keep reminding myself that in the eyes of God I am already perfect just as I am.

I realize I may still be a long way from completely releasing myself, however I do believe that each step in that direction is an indication of the willingness and also the purity of intention. What I am learning in each moment is that as I chose to be and do better I am contributing to creating a better version of myself.

A few weeks have passed since the beginning of this writing and deeper and more profound lessons have risen since. One evening a few weeks ago I was on my own and decided to take myself to a restaurant. ‘dinner for one’ I though might be a good place to start practicing my new solo life. So I sat at a table in front of me an empty chair. I ordered a Thai Curry and and an entree some lovely vegetarian spring rolls. I was savoring my entrée and suddenly as I looked up in the empty chair in front of me, I saw a face it was quite distinct and clear long brown hair a beard, then the body covered with a pale white robe. No sooner I focused on it, I realize It was the Christ. I immediately began to say in my mind “My Lord I am not worthy to eat at your table” A soft male voice spoke before I could finish this sentence and He said this “You are worthy to eat at my Table” then I felt my hand being guided to a spoon to pick some rice from the bowl in front of me, and the voice said picking a spoon of rice, “This is the Father, then with another spoon of rice “This is the Son” and a third one “And this is the Holy Spirit now eat”.  He then continued “I have come to remove all the thorns from your Heart” He sat at the table with me for some time then he vanished!

That evening I came home and he appeared again and began to recount about my Inner Sacred Garden a place of Healing where He takes me and teaches me many things. But this is another story for another time.

For now all I can say is I believe that no journey is ever complete in other words I don’t believe we arrive anywhere but rather that here the point of arrival is always a new beginning. So as I continue to journey through the challenges that I am yet to face, I now know one thing for sure and that is that my heart is ever expanding and my mind ever so curious like that of a child to learn everything there is to learn about my glorious divinity expressing as humanness.

I may not be home, and I may not have arrived anywhere but here in the grace of this moment. I know I did not get here by myself, there were a lot of players that contributed to this journey so far, each and everyone precious in their own right? Have I truly forgiven, have I been released, will I be a better human being? I believe so, as I open myself to being a willing student of life, I am always going to be free and no longer a prisoner of a dark dungeon rather a woman who with courage found her way through the dark and discovered that no dark place on Earth inside or outside of ourselves can ever keep us from being who we are and that is children of God and therefore Love incarnate. Regardless of the hurt we cause ourselves and others or the hurt that others cause we are all hurt children until we find the Love of God and begin to act through this Love.

I don't think I would have made it through this journey without the help of La Madre and our Lord Jesus Christ, to him I owe him my healing and also my life, to him I dedicate this writing, as a devoted servant of God Laws of Divine Justice and Mercy.  Some people go through life imagining there is a God, hoping this all merciful God will come and soothe their pain, never to quite receive his Blessings. In my experience I was blessed by the grace of God, and I basked for a moment in the presence of Lord Jesus and La Madre or the Divine Mother. Was this alliance just a figment of my imagination?  Perhaps, but when one’s heart becomes imbued with Love, Acceptance and Trust after all, it must be that some Divine Intervention has been at work. I let you be the judge or maybe just the witness of this experience and if by any chance something in your heart lights up, then by all means be blessed and be inspired by it.

I can only say thank you Jesus, thank you Divine Mother and thank you God.

In deep gratitude, reverence and humility, may you walk this path with gentleness and grace, knowing that you are and have been always a child of God and therefore Free!

In Love’s resonance and deep humility
I am a child of God

Elohisa K’Inan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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