Dal Segno al Fine (Awakenings Book 6)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 6 (v.1) - Ch. 6

Submitted: August 27, 2017

Reads: 14

Comments: 1

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Submitted: August 27, 2017

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I looked in Margo’s room when I got up.  The coffee was made and I knew it was too early for Jordyn to wake up, but I didn’t see her anywhere.  She was avoiding me again.  I sighed.  Jordyn greeted me and I glared at her.  I took my coffee into my room and got ready without talking to her.

Work sucked that morning.  I couldn’t concentrate and I kept organizing everything in the wrong place.  It took a lot of effort to smile for customers when I felt like I was dying.  As I was ringing up a customer, the bell over the door sounded and I looked to see Margo there.  I felt better knowing she came to see me.

Margo told me about Jordyn’s idea for her to restrain Margo.  I was much more comfortable with that idea, but the more I thought about it, the more it didn’t agree with me. I was her Dom, I was supposed to protect her and take care of her.  Wasn’t that the very definition of love, selflessly giving?  The only reason I refused to do the scene with Margo had been because I was too scared, I was too anxious, I couldn’t handle the image of Margo broken.  What about what Margo needed?

She still wouldn’t sleep in my room.  Without Margo’s warmth, it was difficult to fall asleep.  I grabbed a notebook I kept nearby and opened it to start writing some music I’d been hearing.  What I found in the notebook broke my heart.  

Page after page was filled with words like ‘pain’ and ‘blood’, written in thick, scratchy black letters.  Pictures of bullet wounds and dead eyes plastered the pages.  Poems about death and fear tore my heart out.  Were those the things Margo saw when she closed her eyes?  Was her mind still so fearful that blood and death consumed her thoughts?  I couldn’t not give her what she needed, especially if her pain was so overwhelming.  She never talked about the incident.  I had no idea she suffered so much at that point.  I should have.  I could be the man she needed, the Dom she needed.  I would put my fears aside so that she could conquer hers.

I didn’t know how to start the conversation and I was pissed off at myself for not knowing what to say and taking so long to say it.  I finally told Margo she couldn’t go through with her plan with Jordyn.  But I couldn’t get the words out right.  Nothing I said was coming out the way it sounded in my head and Margo kept getting more and more pissed off. 

I watched Margo remove her collar in horror.  “I can’t keep having this argument, Cian.”

I felt sick to my stomach.  I refused to take it from her.  “That’s yours.”

Margo shook her head, tears filled her eyes.  “I can’t be yours if this is what we keep coming to.”  She sighed and placed her collar on the table before walking out.  She left me.  

Isn’t that what I was most afraid of?  I grabbed the pearls and stared at them.  The air was strangled from my body and I couldn’t get enough in.  Jordyn came out of her room and led me to the couch.  She instructed me to put my head between my legs and asked what happened.  I held up Margo’s collar.  Jordyn made sure I was ok, then left for class.

I knew Margo would come home, so I left her alone.  I planned out what I wanted to say to her.  I wrote it down and practiced it.  After I felt confident in my words, I played it out on my keyboard.  It was a slow, desperate, haunting tune, but it calmed me.  Being able to write music again put my soul at ease.  

Margo took forever to get home.  I sat on the couch waiting for her after I finished playing.  I fingered her collar.  Why was she so ready to run?  Why didn’t she seem willing to fight for us?  

The door opened and Margo walked in.  She awkwardly acknowledged my presence.  All the words I’d planned out left my mind and I just needed to touch her.  She melted into my kiss.  “I’m sorry.”  I gave her one more kiss because I could.

Margo looked at me, dazed.   “What are you sorry for?”

I hoped what I planned to say would come back, but it didn’t.  I almost took her into my room to play the song I’d written.  It expressed my feelings about doing that scene with her better than any words I could find.  But she needed the words.  “I feel very overwhelmed.  I have so many thoughts and I’m having a hard time sorting all of them out.  I wasn’t trying to tell you not to do the scene, I was trying to tell you not to have Jordyn do it.”

Margo tilted her head and leaned closer.  “Why would you change your mind?”

Why the fuck couldn’t I just get the damn words out.  I tugged on my hair, but the words still wouldn’t come.  “I keep not articulating myself well. I want to do it with you?”  I phrased it as a question because I still wasn’t sure I expressed myself correctly. 

Margo’s eyes lit up, but she was still skeptical.  “Really?”

The woman was my life.  I couldn’t sit back and watch her go through that and not go through it with her.  “Of course, what kind of Dom, or man for that matter, would I be if I couldn’t give you the one thing you actually needed? I hate this, but it’s what you need and this isn’t just some scene, you really need this to get passed what he did.  There’s no choice between having you and doing this or not having you.”

She touched my face and I leaned into her hand.  “I wasn’t making you choose.”

“I know, but it would’ve come down to that.  I don’t think we would’ve been able to get over it.  There would’ve been too much pain and resentment to reconcile.”  Our relationship didn’t need any added pressure.  

Margo looked at me, fear in her eyes.  “You won’t resent me for this?”

“You were right when you said I needed this, too.  We can’t make choices based on fear.”  I needed closure just as much as she did.

“You’re really ok with this?”  Margo looked at me sideways.

“Ok is a strong word. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this has to happen and I need to be there for you.  We’re going to do this together.”  Margo squealed and threw her arms around my neck.  I was pretty sure that reaction alone would make it worth while.  “And we aren’t discussing this before hand.”  Margo didn’t need to worry about what to do, she needed to be in the moment and she needed to trust that I wouldn’t hurt her.  We had other things to talk about since that was taken care of.  “So you’re quite the runner, huh?”

Margo winced.  “You were right, you know?  About our relationship ending if we couldn’t do this together.  It’s easier to quit and run than it is to watch our relationship implode.”

I held her hand.   “You can’t run every time something gets tough.  I know earlier I was acting like a damn fool, but we need to have calm discussions that don’t end with you leaving me.”

She looked up at me, shyly.  “Can I have my collar back?”  Fuck, yes.

I couldn’t keep watching her walk away from me.  “Don’t take it off again.” I looked at her and she nodded.  “I’m serious, if you want to end our relationship, then end it.  Don’t throw this in my face because you’re pissed.”  I attached her collar and kissed her throat.  They were right where they belonged.  “Will you come back to my bed now?”  I was exhausted and needed to get a good night’s sleep.  Margo nodded.  “Good, I have not enjoyed it without you.”

I spent the next couple days meticulously planning everything.  I thought of any and all possible outcomes and prepared accordingly.  I spoke with the club manager and Gideon, the rope master I went to for advice in New York, and everyone agreed to be there for support and to make sure we were in a private area.  I figured doing it at the club would be even less like Lewis’ home and I wanted to make it as different as possible.  Jordyn agreed to be there, too.

The morning of finally came and I was a mess of nerves.  I really didn’t want to see Margo like that again.  Margo was still asleep when I woke up, so I left her a note and began preparing for the day.  

I went to the club to set everything up and Gideon approached me.  “How are you?”

“Fine.”  But my voice was shaky and high.  Gideon raised an eyebrow.  “I’m a fucking wreck, but I’ll be fine.”

Gideon watched me for a few minutes.  “Can I help with anything?”

I shook my head.  “Absolutely not.  It’s all in my head and I don’t want anyone messing it up.”

He chuckled slightly and turned to walk away.  “I figured.”

I had gotten new white sheets and laid them out.  I put a blanket warmer underneath so they wouldn’t be cold when Margo arrived.  Instead of bright, harsh lighting I placed candles all over the room, soft classical music drifted through the room, and I had her favorite essential oil diffusing.  I made sure I had all the right tools and toys.  I held the ball gag in my hand and cursed Lewis.  I had fantasized about Margo wearing ball gags for ages.  After seeing her bound and gagged for him I couldn’t stomach the thought.  

I went to my store and downloaded some of Margo’s favorite music to keep her distracted on our way to the club.  After that I headed home to get Margo.  She looked calm and comfortable in the clothes I’d gotten for her.  I hoped they would keep her calm throughout the evening.

We drove to the club without speaking, but she enjoyed the music and seemed fairly calm.  Her demeanor changed the second we arrived at the club.  Her breathing spiked, sweat appeared at her temples, and she started shaking.  I felt the same way, but we could do it together.  “I’m right here.”  She looked at me and her eyes widen with worry.  This wasn’t about me, it was for her.  She didn’t need to worry about me.  I’d be fine.  “Stop whatever you’re thinking.”

Margo didn’t calm down at all.  I didn’t know what to do to help her.  As soon as she stepped in the room she stopped breathing, but whimpered.  She turned to leave, but I grabbed her.  She’d hate herself if she didn’t at least try to go through with it.  I grabbed her face to focus on me.  “Look at me.”  Her eyes were filled with fear and shiny with unshed tears.  I wanted to take her pain away.  “It’s me, we’re at the club, Jordyn is here.  You’re safe.  Breathe with me.”  I took several deep breaths until her breathing synced with mine.  I led Margo into the room, but held her close and breathed loudly so she could focus on that.  

When we stood in front of the medical table, I turned her to me.  I needed to set boundaries and rules for her.  Even in her fear, she was beautiful.  “You won’t be able to use any safe words, so you’ll need to use this bell instead.  Ok?”  She nodded.  I helped her up onto the table.  “You are safe with me.  I will never hurt you.  Use your bell and the scene immediately stops.”  I got on the table behind Margo and held her close to me.  I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths to calm my own nerves, but it seemed to help Margo, too.  

It was time to start.  I wanted to turn and run.  I helped Margo lay down on the table then turned away from her where I had the supplies I would need.  I rested my hands on the table and focused on Margo.  Her voice, her smile, her touch.   I grabbed the ball gag and handed it to her.  “Just feel it, hold it, touch it.  It can’t hurt you.”  She played with the gag, her eyebrows scrunched and lips pursed in deep thought.  “Open for me,” I ordered when she handed it back to me.  I attached the gag as carefully as possible.  “How does that feel?”  She nodded at me, but her eyes weren’t convincing.  

The important part was next and I needed to make sure she completely understood everything I said.  “Listen to me, if I ask you a question and the answer is ‘yes’, ring the bell one time.  Do you understand?”  One ring.  “Good girl.  One ring for green.  What color are you right now?” One ring.  I would’ve dropped the damn bell by that point, but I pushed on.  For her.  It was all for her.  “Two rings for yellow.  What color are you?”  One ring.  “Good.  If I ask a question and the answer is ‘no’, it’s going to be two rings.  Understand?” One ring.  I had to see if she was really paying attention.  “Do you want to have sex with Xander?”  Her eyes lit up with laughter and she had to choke back a laugh with the gag in place.  Two sharp rings of the bell.  “Drop the bell and the scene stops immediately.  Ok?”  One ring.  “Are you ready?” One ring.  I wasn’t at all ready.   “Ok, can I have a second?”  One ring.  I smiled at her patience with me and rested my head on her chest.  I focused on her heartbeat, the sound of her life.  She was with me, she was safe, she was alive.  I took one more deep breath and straightened up.  “I love you.”  She rang the bell once.  Her love was the only thing getting me through that.  I kissed her forehead once.

I gingerly bound one ankle to the table and walked to the other side to bind the other one.  As soon as she was bound, her breathing came too short and too fast.  Her reaction came suddenly.  She would hyperventilate if she didn’t calm down.  “Chuisle, are you ok?”  Two rings. I grabbed her ankle to undo her, but she kept squirming to get away, the sound of choked sobs filled the room.  “Chuisle, I’m right here.”  She sat up, frantically trying to get the bindings off her.  I kept talking calmly to reassure her while I undid them for her.  She began ringing the bell constantly, her breathing too erratic.   She threw the bell, narrowly missing my head.  Once the straps were undone she scrambled to get off the table, but fell and tried to crawl to the door.  

I grabbed her and wrapped her in my arms.  “Sh, it’s me.”  Instantly Margo became to relax.  I undid the ball gag and massaged her jaw to loosen up.  Her breathing slowly returned to normal, but the tears continued to fall down her face.  I held her while she sobbed.  “What happened?”

“He was here.”  Her voice was quiet and broken.  I was done.  I couldn’t watch her do that again.  

“No, chuisle, no one is here except me.  It’s just us.  Lewis is dead, remember?”  Had he not died that night, I would’ve hunted him down and killed him myself.  Margo looked around and sighed.  “Ok, we’re done.”

“No.” Margo pushed me away, but I didn’t budge.  “One more try.  If I freak out again we can call it a night.  One more time.”  Her eyes begged me silently. 

She needed it.  I could do one more time, but if she panicked again we were done.  Reliving my worst nightmare sucked all my energy.  “One more time.”  She kissed my cheek and I helped her back on the table.  I hummed the song I heard whenever she was near me to calm my nerves, but it wasn’t working.  I bound her to the table, she was much calmer that time.  I was not.  I made sure she had the bell and placed the blindfold over her eyes.  “Are you ok, now?”  One ring. “Is Lewis here?”  Two rings.  “It’s just Cian and Margo?”  One ring.  “Are you safe?”  One ring.  I stepped back to look at Margo.  I knew she was safe, but she looked broken and bloody.  I turned to grab a flogger just for some sensation play, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick it up.

I silently walked to the door.  My vision was blurry and I couldn’t catch my breath.  Jordyn looked at me, silently asking if I was ok.  I shook my head.  “Stay with her.  I need a minute.”  I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, my head between my legs.  All the memories and feelings from that night that I tried to repress came back like a tidal wave, hitting me over and over.  I knew I was crying, but I couldn’t stop.  I had almost lost Margo and everything about that day hurt.  I didn’t know how long I sat there trying to calm down, but I finally gathered the strength and courage to face my fears.  I could do it for Margo.  

Jordyn stood silently beside Margo when I came back.  I was grateful for her presence.  I waved at her to say I was ok and she left.  I looked at Margo and focused on the differences.  She was calm and clean and beautiful.  There was no blood, no stench of death, no dirt, no loud music or bright lights.  It was just Margo overcoming her fears and offering me herself.  I hated how hard the thought made me.  

I touched her thigh lightly.  She didn’t jump or squirm, she hummed quietly.  “You’re mine.”  One ring.  I didn’t need the flogger or anything else I had brought to use.  I just needed her.  Skin on skin.  “I’m pretty sure I have an unhealthy obsession with you.”  I worried about sanity all the time.  She was all I ever thought about, all I ever wanted.  Each time I had her made me crave her more than before.  It never stopped.  I wanted her then, I wanted to bend her over and pull her hair, listen while she tried to scream my name but couldn’t.  I was positive no one had ever wanted anyone as much as I wanted Margo.  “I shouldn’t want you this much.”

She arched into my touch.  “All the time, it never stops.”

I had to touch her more.  I had to make her feel good.  I slid my hand down her shorts, she was soaked.  She whimpered around the ball gag and squirmed to get closer to me.  “Are you always wet for me?”  One ring.  It blew my mind that I could have that affect on her.  Even in her fear she wanted me.  I needed to end the scene soon, because I had to get her home.  Intercourse wasn’t allowed in the club.  I needed just one more minute to touch her.  I pressed my fingers to her clit.  A strangled groan came from Margo and the bell fell to the floor.  I hurried to take off the blindfold and ball gag. “Are you ok?”  I held her face in my hands and realized she hadn’t dropped the bell in panic.  She was blissed out.  

She offered me a lazy smile.  “So good, but I need you to take me home.”

I had Jordyn take her to get some water while I cleaned up.  I thought about how strong Margo was.  Her ability to overcome amazed me.  I had never known anyone with that kind of strength and courage.  She was everything good in the world.  How I ended up being the lucky fuck that she loved was beyond me, but I’d take it.  

 


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