The Doll (working on a better title)

Reads: 1628 | Likes: 58 | Shelves: 56 | Comments: 2

Book by: The Bard

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Status: In Progress | Genre: Fantasy | House: Booksie Classic

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Harry Crumble had found it when he was trying to by a brooch for his sick wife. Why did he feel compelled to buy it and why did he start to have the same dream every night after that.

Fantasy death magic

Chapter 1 (ver.1)

Chapter 1

Submitted: August 15, 2017

Harry Crumble finds the doll. Him and his wife get bad news. Read Chapter

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Recent Comments

Islebabe

Comment | 242 words

Wed, August 16th, 2017 10:34am

This story was very intriguing. Although, I would not pay 500 bucks for an ugly, creepy doll. After reading it, I wanted to know more about the doll as well. Great story idea. Now for the constructive part. I am in no way good with grammar and all, so if you don't agree just ignore my feedback completely. These are just some minor mistakes that stood out to me.
*hinted at. He
*could imagine
*with his thinning hair
*suddenly realized (not relieved)
*held it out to him
*any place
-Instead of 'the oriental' why not 'The store owner or the elderly man. We already know he's Asian.
-Not sure what you meant by 'he put it in his desk. What desk?
*He let it go
*a slow motion
*young and healthy
*took a shower and got dressed
*He had decided.
-have to accept, not except. Except= but, leave out. Accept= to agree, to receive it willingly.
*but what was he to do?
*when her health worsen.

Like I said before, you don't have to agree with me. I like to read and offer honest feedback. I do like where this story is heading. Nice job. By the way, you do not have to read my story.I read your post in the Forum and was intrigued by your description of your story and the reason behind it. It drew me to your story. This is not a 'tit for tat' review. Happy writing.

Author
Reply

Comment | 62 words

Wed, August 16th, 2017 3:49pm

Thank you for the tips on how to improve my story. Most of that chapter was written when I was just writing to take my mind off other things. I never went back to really see if I had messed it up, I only finished it and posted it. You may change your mind about the price before the story is over.

N. C. Ferrao

Comment | 74 words

Sat, September 2nd, 2017 12:09pm

Creepy, but very interesting. I agree with Islebabe about not paying 500 bucks for a creepy doll, but as you said there is more, so I am excited to know. Also, I can't seem to understand what attracted him towards the doll in the first place. I am guessing that too is covered in the upcoming chapters.
I liked the way you described the scenes and the flow was good.
Looking forward to read more.

Author
Reply

Comment | 33 words

Sun, September 3rd, 2017 6:46pm

all will be reveal in due time, well maybe not all but most questions should be answered. I am working on the next chapter on this story also, but it is going slow.