I Lost The Key (finished)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: August 21, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 21, 2017



I lost the key


His side

You are reading this because, you are either really, really bored (or extremely docile). Boredom sucks doesn’t it. Well… no it doesn’t. You want to know why? Oh, right I am writing this alone in my cold dark basement. I may or may not have lost the key. I lost the key.

Anyway, the reason boredom is great because I am writing this due to boredom and, you, you are reading this due to boredom. It is a golden ratio of boredom. And, if you didn’t get that clearly obvious setup and pun. Delete this file, unplug your computer, shove your wet fingers into a socket and bash your keyboard repeatedly over your head until you get a severe concussion.

Did I mention that I am alone and insane and locked inside of a cold dark dungeon/utility room/ basement which I may or may not have lost the key for. I lost the key. You know what, I am going to make this into my diary.

Day 2?

Oh yeah, I have only been in here for 2 days. Also the heating and electrics are in this room so it is now a warm dimly lit dungeon/utility room/ basement. Food wise, there is a box of 10-year-old crackers. That is all. I refuse to open them.  Also, I just washed the towels with extra fabric softener so, they are really fluffy and soft. I am probably the comfiest prisoner in existence I have ever known. Except that one guy, man, that is a weekend I am never getting back. Anyway, I am going to sleep now. It’s 7pm (way past my bedtime). I am 32. Yes, I still have a bedtime. If my Dad knew I was here he would yell at me to go to bed and then leave. Without getting help. The spirit of family.

Day 3?

I spent the whole morning going through all the boxes lying around here. There was a box filled with rope. That is all. The rest are just boxes filled with rat poison. When I was a child my mother put some weird looking liquid in my auntie’s drink. I obviously knew It was poison. However, when I questioned her about it a few years back she said it was sleeping potion which is why she has been sleeping for the past 20 years. It is a shame, I actually quite liked my aunt. Only met her that one time though. Good news though, I found an old phone, I’m pretty sure it was my dad’s. It has a bunch of weird contacts like xxxVickyxxx. Now I know what he was doing at all those nights out with his “mates”. Scumbag. I later discovered that there is no service down here. Of course. Oh well, I am not having a terrible time. I can always eat those 10-year-old, stale crackers. Actually, second thought, I better not. Hey I just remembered, Mum is supposed to visit tomorrow. I can listen out for the door and yell “help” until she hears.



Day 4?

Mother didn’t visit. I’m starting to get worried. I am really quite hungry. I did find some vintage wine to drink. It is vile. But hey, it is something. I have however, devised an escape plan. Step 1: ESCAPE. Hey, I didn’t say it wasn’t an imperfect plan. Wait, that is a double negative. Hey, I didn’t say it was a perfect plan. Is that right? Probably. The search for the key that I should’ve started ages ago has begun.

Day 5?

The key is not here. F**k. Wow that was my first swear. That wasn’t half bad. F*** s*** b******. I will stop now. Perhaps I can find a pin or something. Wait no, the doors lock is unique and large. No pin would fit it. F*** I am really hungry. Damn it!

Day 6?

I am getting desperate. I am now seriously considering eating those crackers. Also, I drank all the wine. I can just about make out the keyboard. I have started to analyse my situation and, I have come to the conclusion that I can’t have lost the key. I just couldn’t have. The door was wide open. I must have either locked it and slid the key under the door or it locked itself. I need to get out.

Day ???

I am pretty sure I passed out. For how long I am not sure. I don’t remember what date it was when I did. I feel really light headed and I think I am seeing things. Things have definitely moved. Such as: the lock has moved by 10 degrees and the bleach by the door has knocked over and, the rat poison box is missing 3 cans. I am very much insane. This is how Sherlock feels. Huh. Not as cool as I would imagine.

Day ??? V2

I ate the crackers. I regret it. I feel really ill. I need medicine.

Day ???V3

There is no medicine. I am going to die. Wow. This took an extremely dark turn. egsjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjaiiiiiiiiipaapgugppppppppppppppgryuh777777777777777777777777777777


server: “Hello, welcome to purgatory. May I take your order.”

Caleb: “Hey! You entirely ruined the tone you arse!”

server: “Sorry, what are you talking about?”

Caleb: “Nothing. So I died, huh?”

server: “Yeah. No shit Sherlock.”

Caleb: “Christ, I never thought purgatory would be a metaphorical fast-food drive thru being served by a bitchy teenager trying to earn enough money to go to college”

server: “It’s Angel Academy bitch. And, yes, yes you did”

Caleb: “What?”

server: “Purgatory is different for everyone”

Caleb: “Oh?”

server: “It is whatever you first think it to be”

Caleb: “Well, what if you don’t ever think about it?”

server: “He/she chooses where you go”

Caleb: “Who?”

server: “I don’t know I have never met the fucker. Why do you think I didn’t assume it’s gender?”

Caleb: “you wanted to be politically correct?”

server: “No, I couldn’t give two shits”

Caleb: “Oh. Hey! Nothing is censored anymore!”

server: “Yeah you are dead. Who the fuck cares?”

Caleb: “Please stop?”

server: “No”

Caleb: “anyway, Can I go to heaven please”

server: “That’ll be £44.95 bitch”

Caleb: “um…”

server: “I am joking; dick ‘ead”

Caleb: “Oh. Ha HA.”

server: “goodbye”

Caleb: “Thanks”

server: “No, No, No. Thank you”

Caleb: “No problem”

server: “I was being sarcastic”

Caleb: “fuck you”

server: “Naughty language!”

Caleb: “shut up”

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP. Ow. Christ my eardrums. Shit, that was painful. Hey, I like not being censored. The room I was descending into was completely white filled with millions of office desks. Shit. I thought I was going to heaven. Because, this, this is my hell. “hello… welcome to heaven offices… reason of death and name… please”. Man, her voice is slow and wheezy. I hate it.

Secretary: “Excuse me…sir… you entirely spaced out.”

Caleb: “Oh right, my name is Caleb Peacock.”

Secretary: “Reason of death……………………. Please”

Caleb: “Oh um I locked myself in my basement”

Secretary: “let me check our… databases”

The old woman dressed in white then turned around to face her computer. Or what looked like a computer. This gave me a chance to look around. I saw… nothing it was so white everything looked the same.

Secretary: “please… stop…”

Caleb: “sorry?”

Secretary: “…looking around”

Caleb: “right”

Sectary: “No… you didn’t…”

Caleb: “SORRY?”

Secretary: “… die from self-lockage… in your own basement”

Caleb: “No?”

Secretary: “you were locked inside and poisoned. Same fate as your mother. Same killer perhaps”

Caleb: “what?”

Secretary: “you are docile aren’t you?”

The other Side

32 years prior. 18-year-old Sharron Peacock and her boyfriend Jay Stone committed an armed robbery on the Smith household (bungalow). They killed the husband severely injured the wife and stole away the 2-month old child.

“We will do whatever you say just don’t hurt us!” John Smith exclaimed with extreme caution and worry. He was quivering and standing in front of the door to the main bedroom; where his wife and child were hiding. “take whatever you want. Please!”.

Sharron pulled the trigger to her battered old sawn off shotgun. John’s head was instantaneously splattered across the room and fragments of the once secure wooden door dropped to the ground. “what a Twat.” Said Jay stone, smugly with a twisted broken smile on his face. The smile seemed contagious as his psychopathic girlfriend adopted it instantly. Within seconds the shattered wooden door was kicked down by the fat beast that was Jay Stone.

“sorry to cause you bother.” Sharron said with a gleeful tone. She was relishing every moment of her victims terrified expression. “but, your deer,” She paused. “dead husband, said we could have whatever we wanted. She then quickly glanced around the room. She then realised that they were as poor as she once was. “F**k.” she muttered, under her breath. “I want… your son please.”

“what!” Jane Smith shouted. She then stopped herself from continuing remembering that Sharron was clasping onto a shotgun. “you heard me. The child. Now!” Even Sharron was unclear why exactly she wanted the child. She reasoned to herself “I must take something”. Jay then stepped forward. His grubby hands poised out in a grabby position. “one moment.” Said Jane calmly.

“Fine!” yelled Sharron. Jay stepped back behind Sharron. Clearly he was disappointed that the victim was so reluctant.

 Jane turned, crouched and spoke softly “I will be back.” She smiled realising the terminator reference she had just told her infant son. She then swiftly remembered her situation and began to cry. She picked up her son gently and placed him onto the untidy queen sized bed. She then stands up and gestured to her son. Sharron moved closer and picked the infant up. Jay then jumped up and grabbed Jane’s arm. Tightly. She screamed. Loudly. Then, with one quick flowing movement Jay Shattered her elbow. She screamed even louder and lashed out with her leg. One of the 10 strikes hit him in the testicles. That was the only one. However, it was enough. She swiftly dived out the window and ran down the street straight towards an open area. Jane wasn’t daft. Even though it was late at night and absolutely no-one was around. She then listened out for a cry of a baby or anything to let her know that her son liked this just as little as she did. Nothing.

 Purgatory V2

Caleb: “what happened next?”

Secretary: “why are you so invested in your own life story/murder?”

Caleb: “1. It is really interesting 2. You can’t answer a question with a question and 3. What the fuck happened to your slow and wheezy voice”

Secretary: “Oh, I just use it to piss people off it cracks me up every time. I thought it would ruin the tone. So, I stopped. I can keep doing it if you want.”

Caleb: “No. No. No”  

Secretary: “thought so.”

The other side V2

It was Christmas bbeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrp

 “sorry, what was the year? That machine censored it.” I asked clearly a bit peeved I had missed the date.

She paused angrily, realised what had happened and she then started from the beginning again. Oh right, it was the year rrrrrrrrreaaaaaaaaaaappppp Christmas day…



“never mind.” I said ashamedly and quietly.

…and much like jane said she would she returned. Why she chose to arrive on Christmas day was beyond anyone. Perhaps she had only just tracked you down and wanted to see you as soon as possible or she did it for dramatic effect. However, rather stupidly I might add she chose to arrive to a criminals Christmas party with no police and only a small knife for protection. And, a party it certainly was. Over the years Sharron and Jay had grown quite a heavy reputation and had built up a sizeable gang of filthy scumbags. 20 to be exact. Although, Jane was prepared, she had spent the last 5.5 years training up and tracking you down like some sort of deranged kill bill wanna-be.

 Anyway, Jane took the back entrance as she decided that stealth would be her friend. Her first road block was a large man with a very short and flabby neck who, was serving himself some premade alcoholic beverage that looked like puke and whale tears all in one tasty juice of liver problems and cancer. she slipped the knife carefully into her pocket. She was saving it for Sharron’s neck.

 She grabbed a small plastic bag and swiftly pulled it over the large man’s neck. She then struck him in the back of his leg then, as he was falling over, Jane pulled as tight as possible. Consequently, the bag snapped but, it was too late for the large man he was very, very dead. Stepping over the body, she moved to the doorway. “alright.” She said calmly trying to convince herself that what she was doing wasn't insane suicide. She peeked around the corner, someone was coming. A skinny man this time. Clearly he hadn’t had any form of alcohol for about 5 minutes and he was feeling very deprived. Good news, he was absolutely 100% hammered. Why anyone this smashed would want any more to drink was clear. Alcoholic. As the man walked in the room the door closed slightly behind him. “perfect.” Jane said extremely quietly. Jane slid quietly across the laminated floor and stuck out her leg. He tripped and his head smashed against a counter. Blood began to gush out of the now huge gash in his head. Add this to his high alcohol levels and he was dead instantly.


She decided that from here on out, she needed a very good plan. After a few seconds she had devised a plan with a plan with a 12% success rate. “Not good enough” she said under her breath. Realising however, that it was in fact, her only option she began to search the room for a blunt object that she needed for her plan to work. Voila, a cricket bat was lying on the floor. Why there was a cricket bat in the kitchen she did not know. What she did know was that she really didn’t care why there was a cricket bat in the kitchen. She took a step and grabbed the bat and began to look around for the electricity controls. “Fuck.” She muttered, now knowing the electric controls do not belong in the kitchen. Then, she spotted the giant and evil looking door that was for the basement.

“Can you see where I am going with this?” The sectary spoke, suddenly; destroying the mood.

“No.” I said. This was in fact a lie. I had a small idea of where the plot was travelling. But, I was really enjoying myself. “wow. You really are an idiot.”

Right. Well. She quietly pushed against the door; expecting an ear breaking screech to occur. Nothing. She hurried down the stairs seeing the electric controls at the bottom. She flicked everything off. The party was a standstill. She heard the words “sort it out you, fucker!” obviously spouted out from Sharron’s hate filled mouth. Someone approached the door and ran in. Jane then jumped out and spun the bat around smashing him in the back of the head. She then turned the strike around and slammed the bat downwards sending his head flying towards the concrete floor. Jane moved his body behind the box and flew up the stairs knowing that she needed to be quick in order to alert suspicion.

She crawled across the floor into the lounge. She began her rampage; swinging her bat wildly dodging gun fire; bodies dropping,bullets flying all around her hitting everything except herself. Including, Sharron's sleazy gang members. Another one, another one and another. The only one remaining was Sharron. “Hang on” she thought. “where was Jay.” She hurriedly looked at the bodies on the floor. Nope. None of them matched his overweight body shape. Horror struck her face. She spun around; to slow. The butt of the pistol smashed into her face.

It was at this point that you woke up and ran down the stairs and peeked over the banister. Somehow you slept through everything except this. What you saw was a strange liquid being poured into your “aunties” drink and you witnessed her drink it and then watched as she was moved towards the back door.

In reality, Jay had a loaded shotgun poking her in the back through a hole in the chair. Sharron then told her “drink this and you can see your son. He is in the back garden.” Blinded by the fact that she could see her son again, she missed the fact that she was just in the back garden 10 minutes ago and there was no way he could have snuck out by then. She gulped it down, not caring about what was in it. And was then swept off her feet and moved towards the back door. Which was conveniently, right by the now wide open entrance to the basement.

Sharron gestured towards the back door and said “ladies first.” A smug expression grew on her face. Jane reached out grab the door handle and was swiftly denied by Jay. He shoved her; hard. She tumbled down the steps backwards each slam knocking huge clumps of blood and air out of her. Her leg was thoroughly broken and her head smashed against the concrete. The last thing she saw was the door slam shut behind her and the last thing she heard was loud howling laughter ensue.

“the rest.” She said slowly. “you know: Jay was swiftly dumped (murdered) after Sharron found out about Vicky. You grew up and Sharron moved out visiting every week making sure you didn’t touch her stuff.”

“How did I die then?” I said finally ready to know my demise.

“well it is simple really. Sharron was fed up with you. Bored of manipulating you so, she waited in your house for you to head to the basement” She paused. Obviously to make sure my “peanut” brain was keeping up.

“right” I said. Following the story Perfectly I might add.

“she then locked you in and came to check on you a week later. To make sure you were dead. You weren’t. So, she poisoned you, quite carelessly knocking over things and forgeting  to replace the poison. You of course, noticed. And, after a day, you died”

“Wow. Holy shit. Who would have thought your own death would be so cool?” I said excitedly.

“No-one. Welcome to heaven… chump” She said, re-adopting that fucking voice.

“Oh. Just me then.” I said, trying not to look disappointed.

“You… ain’t half… bad” She said smiling.

“thanks” I said cheering up slightly.

“You’re all bad” She began to laugh

“thanks” I said in a semi sarcastic tone. Wow ending on such a shit pun. You know what no! This is not the end.



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