Mental Ilness, Anxiety, Depression, BPD

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

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Submitted: September 24, 2017

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Submitted: September 24, 2017



I feel like an alien, I don't belong, I don't want to be here, I'm not made for this earth, nobody understands what it's like because you just can't put it into words and even when you can you feel like a burden or like you're crazy or attention seeking.
You know everything and yet you know nothing, constantly questioning who you are because once you think you know that illness comes tapping at your door and you suddenly feel lost again.
From a troubled past of bullying and being made to feel so small and insignificant, guilt trips, abuse, neglect, abandonment, death, violence, a broken home and self harm..
Nothing has ever felt like home. 
Always thinking about giving up, never being good enough, wanting to fit in and be loved but at the same time all you want it to be left alone and not hurt anyone. 
Being completely fine one day then losing control the next.
Locking yourself away and shutting everyone out and then when you're finally alone you get hit with depression and crave someone to pull you out.
Problems with your self image and having to grow up too quick.
Abusive or unstable relationships where they react in a way which triggers the things you try so hard to keep hidden away.
Begging and crying to friends, family, hospitals, councillors and doctors to please just fix me I can't take any more of this.
Feeling confused, over emotional, over reacting and having sudden mood changes the second someone says or does something that makes you feel unworthy, uncomfortable or disrespected.
Being a lone wolf, all the others can say is that you need help but they don't give it, that you're crazy just because they don't understand.
Do they even realise the pain and suffering you go through or the struggle to get up every morning, if it's so damn hard for them can't they see how much harder it is living with someone in your head constantly telling you to doubt everything and having to learn and figure out what it is that's happening to you how hard it is to live with this shit.
They always leave.
Constantly having to make sure you're not being annoying and always saying sorry, like, sorry for asking someone to do something like get you a glass of water, little tiny things you apologise for because everything you do feels like you're just being a burden on everyone.
Even when I crack and I'm hurting and I try tell someone it's not you I'm just stressed out or going through a tough time I apologise again and again for putting them through this, for sharing my feelings just hoping they'll understand or come up with a way to help me when it just fucking helps to share what's going on with me so i assure myself I'm not crazy just in pain. 
I can just look at someone and know they're judging me, seeing how ugly I am, looking at my messy cheap make up, ugly scars and even if I open my mouth and try make conversation I'll be labeled attention seeking.
I'm meant to be here and that's the hell I live with, I have no fear, nothing can hurt me, I can't be killed. I'm supposed to suffer here so risky behaviour is just showing off and testing my limits.
I'm always apologising for everything I do and everything I feel and I hate being around good people knowing I'll only destroy them and ruin them and they'll think they've done something wrong when my mood changes out of nowhere.
It's not fair.
Every time I start to feel good and normal and like I'm getting better something happens and when I lose myself and have some kind of episode I end up in trouble, being told I need meds or to be put away just because of the way I react to how people treat me, because I'm so sick, tired, stressed and hurt.
You want to lock away and sedate a person for being sad, confused, lost and looking for someone to understand and re assure them that they're not alone and that maybe one day someone will love them.
Socially awkward, hating people and feeling scared whenever you're alone with a stranger in a room, can't even talk on the phone anymore.
Big crowds of people will either make or break you.
Try blend in maybe nobody will talk to you.
Lying about little things like not being home so they leave your stuff at your door and you can get it when they leave.
Impulsive behaviour and doing crazy things just because.. well.. I haven't even figured out why I do what I do.
I just figure fuck it, what's gonna happen? It can't be any worse than this.. 
Easily influenced and yet stubborn as hell.
Self hard, OCD, Depression, Anxiety Disorders, Social Disorders and Fears, PTSD, Personality Disorders and many fucking more.
11 years of diagnoses and still no answer or help no matter how hard you beg you just can't be fixed. 
Being able to FEEL things others can't imagine. 
Never good enough and constantly just thinking about doing anything possible to make someone happy so they don't leave you.
You will never believe that they genuinely love you you know that not true look at you it's impossible.
The self harm? That was the reason you got me into so much trouble? 
Calling people who shouldn't get involved making it worse..
Just feeling so out of this universe you have to feel something, be back in that human skin you've drifted out of.
Ever stubbed your toe? Cut off your arm and then I'll see if you even remember your toe hurts.
Kill a small pain or trouble with a bigger one and it goes away.
Maybe it's a release, maybe it's a way of punishing myself, maybe a way of fixing myself.
So how can anyone ever stick by me?

Ask me how I'm feeling,
Ask how you can help, if you can help.
Ask if I'm okay,
Keep me entertained, boredom is a trigger.
Don't ever let me have enough time to start over thinking.
Re assure me everything will be okay,
Take me somewhere I love.
Surprise me.
Don't put me in an uncomfortable position.
If I'm mad, stay away.
Come back as soon as you can.
Don't escalate or fight back, I don't mean to be cruel I'm just dying on the inside, tell me no matter how hard it is or how I'm feeling you'll never stop trying.
Ask me to tell you what it's like, try to understand.
Help me,
Music is my medicine.
I make bad choices and act distant because I don't want to get close to anything and commitment is really hard just please take it slow and get to know me.. 
I'm worth it I swear.
These are some of the things I have learnt about myself and have to cope with 24 hours a day,..
It's really hard and every day I think about how much I hate being on this earth, 
I'm still learning and it's not my fault I'm stuck with this demon inside me, all I ask is you treat me very carefully and once you finally break those walls I have so damn much to give.
I'll latch on and be faithful, honest and true and you'll be the only thing I see and nothing else with matter, completely and utterly for just one person who can put up with me.
I didn't ask for this so don't punish me for the things I do, help me through the storm.
Fix me. 
I'd do anything to be normal.
I'm wearing a mask, a skin suit I don't think is mine, i play pretend and act like I'm okay and happy and social because I know how bad it really is I have to pretend just to try. Convince myself I'm okay because it's scary knowing what they'd do if they knew you were insane.
They'll lock you up.. better put your suit on before you see anyone.
Nothing feels real and my whole world is fake, searching for something to hold on too.
One tiny little funny look from someone or too much stress can completely shut me down and change my perseption and mood in an instant.
I go into lock down mode and just need to find somewhere to hide all alone.
I don't want to kill MYSELF, im not a danger, im not a bad parent, I just don't feel like I'm in control or that I was made for this world, I just want to be human.
I don't ever understand what's going on, this is just what happens when I wake up til the time I, if I, go to sleep.

© Copyright 2019 Jacquie Kaige N'Kylo. All rights reserved.

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