Calexit

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


When California leaves the United States, it's new citizens soon realize that living in a "progressive democracy" isn't easy.

Submitted: September 26, 2017

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Submitted: September 26, 2017

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CalExit

After several failed attempts to leave the Union, in the year 2020, because of the re- election of President Trump, CalExit IV was passed. With the support of millions of dollars from the liberal high tech corporations of Silicon Valley and the entertainment industry, a campaign of presidential proportions had been launched to convince the residents of California that it was time to tell President Trump goodbye. Minority leader Nancy Poloicy enthusiasctically led the movement, the public voted for it with enthusiasm and revised their constitution accordingly.They then sent a member of their delegation to Washington to propose an amendment to the constitution allowing California to withdraw from the Union.  The amendment received the required two thirds approvals in the house and senate. It was then sent to the 50 state legislatures where it received the backing of more than thirty eight states, all of whom were happy to be rid of it. That made it an independent country. It elected Nancy Pelosi President.The liberal news media (Not Even Worth Seeing) rhapsodized about how wonderful it was that once again California would lead the way as a progressive model and show America how a country should be governed. GovernorJerry Brown (son of a governor, former Serecetay of State of California, former governor of California, former presidential candidate "governor moonbeam", California governor again, second try and failure for presidential nonmiation, two term mayor of Oakland, California Attorney General, and in is third term as California governor) was not happy. He thought it was his turn to be President.

California changed its name to Pacifica Grande.  This made its Spanish speaking inhabitants, who were in the majority, very happy. They were now in the fifth largest economy in the world, with a GDP of three trillion dollars. The new country immediately issued its own currency, El Peso Grande, and declared itself to be a “Progressive Republic”. The one peso bill featured a portrait of the new President, Nancy Pelosi, the mother of her country, smiling benevolently down on the holder. The fact that the Pacifica Grande had a two trillion dollars national debt made it difficult to convince other countries to accept it for payment. They insisted upon American dollars. The citizens of the new republic were told that they would have to exchange their foreign currency (dollars) for new pesos, as they came to be known, at the rate of $5 for one new peso. Dollars were no longer legal tender in their country. This did not make them happy. 

Being a progressive republic did not come cheap! Providing health care, food, clothing and a place to live in country that considered these to be “entitlements” required a large government and budget. President Pelosi explained that some tax increases might be necessary.  When Pacifica Grande issued its income tax rates of 90% for  top 10% , 75% for the next 40% and 0% for everyone else, there were celebrations in the inner cities and cries of anguish in the suburbs. Tax lawyers made fortunes by finding loopholes for the 10%ers that got them down to an effective rate of 30%. The wealthy liberal citizens weren’t stupid. Neither was President Pelosi .She was quick to respond.

“You didn’t build that!” she told the high tech industry, stealing a line from President Obama. “Apple, Microsoft, (she didn’t know that they were located in Washington) Google, Facebook and the rest of you used our (she now considered everything built by the former federal government to be the new republic’s property) roads and infrastructure, and our citizens, and part of what you built belongs to us. We are imposing a 15% gross profit tax on all business, to be paid in addition to the already established business taxes.” The stock prices of these companies fell dramatically. But that still was not enough to pay for all of the entitlements, so a VAT was imposed upon the unfortunate people that still had to work for a living. If you didn’t work and lived on your entitlements you wouldn’t pay any taxes at all. Life could be nice for some people in a progressive republic! Many of the people in the 75% bracket decided to leave their jobs, sell their homes and drive back to the old country. It would soon prove to be a good choice.

As small business closed because they couldn’t’ afford their high taxes and payrolls (the legislature had established a 20 new peso an hour minimum wage), unemployment started to rise dramatically because most of the inhabitants of Pacifica Grande worked for the minimum wage. President Pelosi was quick to assure them that they would be all taken care of, that they would receive two thousand new pesos a month in unemployment payments. She repeated her slogan from the Obama years,” Anyone who can’t find a job will now be free to stay home and write poetry.”  That statement caused a run on the Pacifica Grande real estate market as many more of the new countries citizens put their homes on the market so that they could l return to the old country. This caused the value of their homes to crash.  Most of the offers came from the unemployed, and would be paid for with new pesos.  Since the American exchange rate was $1 for 5 new pesos, the financial loss this would impose on the sellers had the effect of a “Berlin wall” keeping them in the new republic. Life for them was difficult, but it was about to get worse.

In North Korea Kim Jong-un woke up one day with a severe pain in his head and ringing in his ears. He did not attribute this to the excessive amount of Number One alcohol he had consumed the night before. He believed that it had to be the American CIA attacking him with some new weapon it had placed in orbit above his country. He called his generals and ordered an immediate missile attack on Washington. They hesitated for only a few seconds, considering the alternatives. After all of the recent tests, they only had one missile left. It could not reach Washington, what should they do? Launch the missile now and die when the Americans responded later, or die now for not obeying the order. They launched the missile.  As it raced to its maximum altitude of 37,000 kilometers America’s missile defense system began tracking it and calculating its destination. First reports showed it to be targeted on Washington. President Trump was informed immediately and ordered preparations made for a response and his cabinet to meet in the White house bomb shelter.  Soon more data was received by the tracking system and it became clear that the missile did not have the range to reach Washington, but would descend on the country of Pacifica Grande instead. This information was immediately sent to President Trump . A discussion with his gathered advisers ensued. What should they do? The general consensus was that Pacifica Grande had not requested their assistance so there was no legal justification for their interfering in the situation. They were not American citizens and had no treaties with the United States. After considering that for a few seconds President Trump ordered the missile defense system to stand down but the military to stay on full alert and a warning sent to Pacifica Grande. Unfortunately, no diplomatic channels had been established between the two countries because President Pelosi had not considered it a high priority. It took a while to get a phone call through to someone in her office.

As the missile descended into the stratosphere its defective heat shield began to glow and soon burned up.  This caused the hydrogen bomb inside of it to vaporize harmlessly in the stratosphere, leaving only an empty, burnt out nose cone descending towards Earth. It landed in Sacramento, in the front yard of the governor’s mansion. President Pelosi, unaware of the missile attack, was descending the staircase in front of the mansion when she noticed the half buried shell in the soil near the staircase. Believing it to be some new age flowerpot, she called her gardener and told him to plant some roses in it.

While being driven to her office her telephone rang and she was made aware of the attack on her country. She ordered a meeting of all of her top advisors so that they could determine a proper response. They had no army or weapons (they had previously declared themselves to be a peace loving country with no enemies) so they could not make a military response. After much debate they agreed on what the proper response for a progressive republic should be. President Pelosi went on television to read it.

“Today a benevolent socialist country accidently launched a missile that landed harmlessly in our republic. No damage was done to us so there is no reason to be concerned. I attempted to talk to the dear leader of the country, but he was too busy to take my call. However, I am sure that he deeply regrets what happened. So stay calm and go about your to everyday lives, you have nothing to worry about.”

The next day a petition to rejoin the Union was circulated on the internet and received twenty five million signatures.  A few days later the Pacifica Grande congress voted unanimously to rejoin the Union. They petitioned the American congress for re-admission. Congress passed an enabling act stating that they must re-name themselves the State of California, agree to follow all of the laws issued by the Federal government, specifically not be a sanctuary state or allow any sanctuary cities, and obey all laws concerning drug usage. It was a difficult choice for President Pelosi to make, but she deemed it necessary for the welfare of her people, so she accepted the conditions that made her determined to build up the military might of California before pushing for CalExit V.


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