You're Not Good Enough

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic

A blog post about the situation that caused me to fast (give up) makeup to improve my self esteem, confidence, and self worth.

Submitted: September 27, 2017

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Submitted: September 27, 2017



My stomach was in knots as if I had eaten sushi that had sat out just a tad too long. My mouth tasted like copper pennies which was a tell-tale sign that I was fighting the urge to yack. I knew I wasn’t actually going to be sick but boy, did I ever feel like it. As I opened my car door to slide into the seat the whole horrible ordeal from 5 minutes past flashed back into my mind’s eye. I could see myself all over again babbling and stumbling over the answers I was trying to concoct on the spot that the interviewer had asked me. I could see her raising an eyebrow as I made no sense and made a complete and utter fool of myself. The man who sat next to her penned down my incoherent stuttering but he may as well have just scribbled a big ball of lines. My face was reddening and my palms were sweating and the interviewer asked the nail in the coffin question, “what did you do to prepare for this interview?”.

I slammed my car door shut, tipping my head back I gently hit it repeatedly against the head rest in frustration. “What did you do to prepare for this interview?”. My eyes met themselves in my rearview mirror and my stomach dropped all over again. My eyes were perfectly lined and my long onyx colored lashes were curled just so. I inspected the rest of my face. Skin was prepared to a fantastic clear complexion and a dash of blush graced the bridge of my nose. A faux dewy reflection from my highlighting cream grazed the tops of my cheekbone and tip of my nose. My lipstick stained lips trembled as I fought the tears that were making their way to the surface. “What did you do to prepare for this interview?”. This. This is what I prepared. Nothing but superficial cosmetic war paint. How had I let this go so far? How could I have rolled out of bed spent hours making sure I looked my best and walked into an interview totally unprepared and coming across as an airheaded bimbo!? This isn’t who I am. Despite that, it is still who I have gradually and subtly become. When had I allowed my priorities to submit completely to the idol of beauty. When had I become so blind?

You might read that and think I’ve gone off the deep end by jumping to such a conclusion. But, this is something I have struggled with for a long time. I’ve had convictions about my obsession with having the unattainable skin-deep beauty that the world seems to demand from women. I brushed it off as myself just being overly sensitive. It took this encounter to shine a very bright light in one of the darker corners of myself. How much money and how many hours had I sacrificed on the altar to the metaphorical gods of beauty. Begging them to finally grant me the beauty I searched for. But if I’m being real with you, and myself, I wasn’t really looking for beauty in the traditional sense. I was desperately awaiting the perks I had disillusioned myself into believing came with the gift of traditional beauty. Confidence, acceptance, love, friendship, popularity, success, an all-around easier life…. I scoff at myself as I write down what is truly inside my heart. In my rational mind I, without a doubt, know that that reasoning is so far from true reality it’s laughable. But in my heart and soul it had become a dark strange beast that was very much real to me. I secretly fueled it, fed it, and allowed it to grow into a dominant beast with the ability to speak into my life. Every time I put another girl down because I felt “prettier” than her, I fed the beast. Every time a man showed interest in me simply because of my looks, I fed the beast. When that same man left me, moving onto another woman, and I would begin to compare myself to the other girl simply based on looks, I fed the beast. Every time I prioritized my looks above my personality, I fed the beast. But worst of all when I would wake up in the morning and choose to do my makeup rather than pray, read my bible, or do my daily devotions I opened the cage door and allowed the beast I had been faithfully feeding loose to wreak havoc in my life without any ability to stop it. It would influence my behavior, talk down to me, destroy my self-esteem, and make me feel worthless. What’s worse is even when I would put my makeup on the monster I had fed from birth turned on me and told me I was still ugly and worthless. Now what?

God had been nudging my heart during devotions and prayers about the amount of time and credence I put into my makeup routine. I felt guilty but I would ignore his gentle voice urging me to change this part of who I was. Gently he would whisper to me that he could show me who I really was if I would just allow myself to let go of the death like grip I had on the reigns of my life. But I wouldn’t. I couldn’t imagine myself not getting ready to perfection and not attaining all the “benefits” that came with beauty. Even though I knew this was a pathetic and self-defeating cycle I had more faith in that than I did in my Creator who knows EXACTLY what is best for me. I tried to cheat the system and cut back on how much makeup I would wear but never fully gave it up the way the Lord was asking me to. I would feed the beast a little less until he would howl for more unrelentingly and begin to open the doors of my insecurities letting a flood of self-doubt and self-hate fill me until I gave in. All the while the Lord was patiently holding His hand out to me for a way out. The Lord though is a perfect gentleman and will not force me to live my life differently than I really want to. He will send me reminders, allow situations to happen, and allow me to go through hardships to change my perspective on what is important. And I praise him for that! I praise him for the awkward encounter I experienced at this interview. It was humbling and embarrassing and forced me to take a good hard look at myself and where my values truly are. Humbling is the best thing that can happen to someone. Humbling is a lot like the growing pains we experience in puberty. It’s uncomfortable and can be painful but it is a necessary part of growing into a better person.  

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stunned by how deep I just got by simply talking about makeup’s role in my life. Rereading what I just wrote I’m actually in tears. Remember, I am not speaking for all womankind. I am strictly speaking for myself and the burden I am struggling with. I am NOT saying makeup is evil. I am NOT demanding you to stop wearing makeup. I do NOT think every woman who wears makeup is insecure. I’m simply telling you how my addiction of trying to catch the ever-evasive vapor that is beauty, confidence, and acceptance THROUGH using makeup has damaged my self-worth. Simply put, I allowed the makeup industry to have the ultimate say in my life whether I was worthy or not over God’s opinion of me.

This is why I am fasting from makeup. To finally let God take control over my life, self-esteem, worth, and personality. So, he can show me who He created me to be without the distraction and crutch that I’ve grown dependent on to get me through life. I am SO excited (and a little nervous) to take this journey with my Savior and myself. I truly believe that He is going to reveal a lot to me and about me during this time of fasting the most superficial thing about myself. Notice I am saying “fast” and not “quit”. I do believe there is a way to wear makeup that is not damaging or idolizing. I just haven’t found that balance yet. I believe it will come once I can be confident in who I am in God’s eyes and not the worlds, or even my own. Let me know if this spoke to you or convicted you so we can support each other in growing closer to the Lord and with that becoming happier individuals. 

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