The Battle

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Yesterday News

An epic battle between characters and collaborators. If you want to collaborate, just tell me, and send me whatever you want to add, and I will. If you add to it, you may also post it on your
account. Current collaborators: Bruvton, and BrosterToaster.

Submitted: September 28, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: September 28, 2017



Step, step, step. The sound of footsteps echoed throughout the drab, dreary alleyway Ivan had found himself in. He had no recollection of how he had ended up there nor did he know why he was there -- all he knew was that he had to leave. Something was with him, he wasn’t alone. The thought tore at the back of his mind as he shuffled through the dark alley, his dark boots splashing in the puddles as he scampered forwards. His heartbeat was incredibly irrational and so was his breathing. Ivan felt as if he was being hunted, though he couldn’t even tell if it was just his imagination torturing him. Everything felt so surreal that he almost believed it was a dream, though the vivid sensation of his damp, black hair that stuck against his forehead from sweat and the continuous sound of something around the corner seemed to keep reminding him that it was all quite real.


He heard it again. The noise. It was behind a dumpster. Ivan was shaking like a madman. He peeked behind the dumpster to find the source of the noise. It was was a used vibrator, abandoned mid-use by an old lady. Ivan puked and ran away. Meanwhile, in Russia, Sergeant Ivannakoff Andalsosneez and Corporal Gesundheit Yuneedatishu typed in the nuclear launch codes to launch at the White House in America. Donald Trump was looking at top secret files on his computer when he got a notification. It informed him about the nuclear missiles heading right for him. “That’s not pleasurable,” he stated as he closed his 37 tabs, zipped up his pants, and put away the yummy-smelling hand-cream. He set off to send nukes to nuke the nukes. Bruvton saw the nukes being launched, so he hopped on for a ride. “YEEEHAW!” he exclaimed. “LET’S OBLITERATE THOSE ROOTIN’ TOOTIN’ SOVIETS!”


As Bruvton rode on the nukes in his drunken state, he had some sort of realization of what exactly was happening.
“Wait…” he mumbled as he gripped onto the metal fins of the nuke. He didn’t know what to do -- he either had to jump off and fall to his death or intercept the Russian nukes and also die. While fighting against the intense wind that was blowing against his face, he struggled as he scaled the side of the nuke, managing to spot a parachute. Without giving much thought as to why there was a parachute for something that wasn’t meant to be ridden, he grabbed it and hastily attached it to his body. He flew off of the nuke, opening the parachute as he did so. Bruvton didn’t know why or how he had managed to get out of that situation alive, but he did. Ivan on the other hand felt a buzzing in his pocket and instantly grabbed the item, suddenly remembering everything as he looked at his phone. His uncle, Ivannakoff, had sent him to America to act as a spy, though he suspected that Ivan had betrayed Russia. In the end, Ivannakoff had sent Ivan away to anywhere else so he wouldn’t interfere with his plans. Ivan however, had managed to do some damage by leaking classified information to the U.S., as well as putting in odd safety equipment where others would’ve thought were unnecessary.


But secretly, Bruvton was the one who not only equipped, launched, and built the entire Nuke, and timed it perfectly that he would land right in front of Ivan. “Hay, fam,” he addressed, then shot Ivan in the head with a sniper-rifle mixed with a shotgun and a sword. His head exploded brutally, and Bruvton quipped, “My weapons are mind-blowing, aren’t they?” Suddenly, a superhuman cyborg Ivannakoff showed up, and said, “My name is Ivannakoff Andalsosneez. You killed my son. Prepare to die.” One arm was turned into a flamethrower, and the other a missile-launcher. Bruvton was ready for this moment all along. But what he wasn’t ready for was Gesundheit Yuneedatishu! Gesundheit flew in on a jetpack to aid his friend. It was an epic battle, but in the end, Bruvton, all bloody and bruised, was the last to survive. He shot and sliced Ivannakoff and Gesundheit until there was nothing left to slice or shoot.


Though everyone else had been brutally murdered and Bruvton was the only man standing, he didn’t realize Gesundheit's twin brother, Blessu, had witnessed the entire scene. He stood there, wide-eyed as he stared at the dead body of his beloved brother.
“You killed him…” he mumbled, utterly shocked. He didn’t know what to do, yet he did know that he wouldn’t be able to win against the man who had defeated three of his coworkers. Blessu turned tail and bolted away as fast as he could, tears in his eyes as he swore to himself that he would get revenge. In the distant background, the aforementioned nuke collided with the enemy nuke, blowing up in a giant explosion of nuclear radiation and destruction. Luckily, Blessu was already far from the blast radius by the time it exploded though the same couldn’t be said for Bruvton, who was wiped out by the force of the explosion.


Cinematic cut to a pile of rubble. A hand pushes through in the shape of a bloody fist. It was Bruvton. He pulled himself out majestically, and stood as the wind blew past him. Suddenly, he was shot in the back of the head. “This isn’t the Bruvton you’re looking for!” The real Bruvton shouted. He wondered how the evil, dumb clone of him had been released. Bruvton took the place of old Bruvton, being all sexy and majestic and stuff. His best friend, Jonno, walked up behind him. “Dang,” said Jonno. “We did a tit-load of damage. How will we fix it?” Bruvton looked at his trusty friend and replied, “As a wise man once said, if we throw money at the problem, it shall be fixed!” “Oh, Bruvton,” Jonno said, “you’re so rich, famous, and cool!” They walked off beautifully to fight crime, drunk hobos, and anything negative in the world, and pick up ladies the whole time!


But what Bruvton and Jonno hadn’t realized was that one of the said women they picked up had actually snuck an explosive nuke into one of their drinks, somehow being extremely concealed despite being a nuke. Turning to the side, she spoke into a hidden microphone that was attached the collar of her jacket.

“General Ivan, I have proceeded with the plan,” she whispered, the man known as General Ivan nodding approvingly on the other end of the line. Bruvton had no knowledge of this, but the man he had shot back then with a shotgun sword was in fact not Ivan. It was simply a holograph of himself, used to distract the opponent from the real person.

“Good,” he responded, leaning back into his office chair. “Soon I’ll avenge my parents…” he mumbled to himself, closing his eyes.


Upon closing his eyes, one of Bruvton’s clones snuck up on Ivan. Ivan turned to his computer, and turned on some “special entertainment”. Absolutely grossed out, the Bruvton clone walked up to Ivan with a pistol. “End of the line,” he said dramatically, shooting him in the face. He died. Bruvton Clone tested the DNA to make sure that it was Ivan. It was. Meanwhile, with the real Bruvton, he noticed a nuke in his drink, and placed it on Kim Jong Un’s Desk. You might wonder how he got there. Well, you see, they were in North Korea all along. Bruvton was a super-secret spy on a super-secret mission to defect all of the North Korean nukes and to make them blow up on the spot, obliterating North Korea, putting the citizens out of their misery. Bruvton was going to cause them to explode in the air, but he only had a day to do it, and he was done. He swam back to Canada, and watched as North Korea absolutely exploded. He was a hero, but nobody would know. He came back to Canada and got a bunch of rewards, and was humble and stuff.

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