this is not happiness

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


a day in the life of a girl and her pain.

Submitted: October 07, 2017

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Submitted: October 07, 2017

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Walking through such a familiar place to you, somewhere you've been a thousand times before, 

But this time feels different, 
You watch as the rain falls, notice how each shop looks darker, less lively, 
So many faces around, they all feel as if they are watching you,
You look at the floor, try to breathe normally but can feel the sadness rising in you, 
Bubbling away at your insides and ready to spill over,
You catch a sob and try to ignore the tears forming in your eyes,
This is not happiness, 
You can feel the black hole inside of you, whirling around, eating every ounce of happiness you possessed, 
This is not okay, 
You start to clench your fists with the urge to hurt yourself, 
To feel pain and see blood, 
A sure sign you are real, 
A sure sign you are human,
This is not unusual, 
You look at the place you work and feel sick to your stomach, 
You put on a fake smile,
You try not to break down when your boss asks if you're okay,
You rush upstairs, 
Holding back the tears,
Attempting to fight away the demons, 
You are not okay, 
This is not happiness, 
This is your pain.
 
You made it through the day,
You made it without breaking down, 
Without showing anyone you weren't okay, 
You finished work, 
Checked your phone, 
Nothing, no one cares,
It is raining again, 
Reflecting how you feel on the inside, 
You watch as people run from the rain, to avoid getting wet and ruining their look,
You stop, 
Look up to the sky, 
Take in the coldness, you don't care what you look like,
You feel tears running down your face, 
No one notices thanks to the rain, 
You make it to the bus, just,
You stare out the window all the way home, watch people being happy, having a normal life,
You hope no one sees you cry, you don't want that attention,
You can feel the black hole becoming stronger, whirling around in your stomach, worse than this morning, now eating away everything,
The urge to bleed, 
To feel pain, 
To feel human, 
Fills you, encourages you,
This is your pain, 
You make it home, you practically ran from the bus stop,
You go to bed, hide under the covers, away from the world,
You cry, sobs turn into tears, tears into hysterics, till it's too late to stop,
You dig into your skin, nails piercing the skin, drawing blood,
You welcome the pain, like an old friend,
Eventually you fall asleep, the only peace you'll get in your fucked up life,
This is not happiness, 
This is your pain.


© Copyright 2018 Grey_Moon_. All rights reserved.

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