The Mind of a Mentally Ill Teen
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Poem by: Kyla.Ann
The Mind of a Mentally Ill Teen
Excerpts from my journal of thoughts and poems, my healthy coping skill
Kyla Owens
1-17-16
On My Mind (The poem that started it all)
The cynosure in the room at all times
I always find myself staring your way
Your presence distracts me as the world rimes
My feelings are now constantly astray
Your ebullience is fascinating
I’m in love with your personality
Your stare is completely captivating
You are nothing but banality
Our love was so very ephemeral
You were just a fragment of creation
Your existence would have caused me peril
I assumed you would bring me elation
To me you were just a realistic dream
All in all you lowered my self esteem
2-5-17
I want the people I care about to be happy. Buy it’s hard when what makes them happy, is what makes you sad.
2-6-17
There are two worlds we as people live in:
We have what is on the outside,
What others see
And what is beneath our skin,
What only we can perceive.
Our skin is our barrier,
What protects us from the walking demons
These demons cannot physically break past our barrier
But emotionally,
They can.
When they pass our border and the two worlds collide,
Our systems shut down
Our minds,
They freeze
Our bodies,
They bleed
Emotionally,
We’re drained
These demons get inside our heads,
They tell us what to think
They twist our thoughts,
We think too much
And convince us they speak the truth.
These demons, oh these demons
What a beautiful tragedy you’ve created
This human,
He’s gone
And it’s all your fault
Because you lied and twisted the truth
Maybe one day society will learn
That a demon is just a test
And maybe then,
These humans will be saved
But until then,
This is the end.
2-7-17
I’m empty:
It’s all in my head,
It’s mental
Yet when it reaches my body,
It’s pain
They work hand in hand,
And they make me crave
These opposing forces contradict each other
I want one thing but I need the other
And I’m stuck with these conflicting passions.
3-19-17
You’ve gone insane
And begun this game
Of making me feel so worthless
You twist the facts
And don’t look back
At the stability we all once had
You’ve caught yourself in a downward spiral
And controlling my life has become so vital
That I’m falling down the same broken path as you
And I too have lost control
3-27-17
My heart hurts
It’s heavy
Like a stone falling through my chest
The deeper it goes
The faster it plunges
The pain grows worse
My heart is empty
Yet it’s full of anxiety
And the nerves attached are torn apart
As each one is destroyed
Another piece of me is taken
And I fear it will not return
My heart is breaking
And I am unable to heal the wound that cracks larger and larger each day
My life is an unfinished chapter
To a mystery left to be unsolved
No closure
Just curiosity
And my heart will split completely
4-12-17
A rant
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Probably the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard. Words. They hurt you in a different way than anything physical. My body could be broken into a million pieces but the damage done to my soul and being can be 1,000 times more painful. If I break a bone, I am restricted. If i break my heart, I am even more restricted. A broken bone is just an obstacle, I will recover. But my emotions are my entire being and that takes centuries to heal. A broken bone can get in the way of everyday activities. But my thoughts can cause me to not even get out of bed. What you say will affect the way I think, and the damage done to my mindset is far more painful than a slap to the face. Have you ever stopped and thought that maybe, just maybe what you say is hurting someone from the inside out? It all starts with words. One sentence. One string of words spoken, that the recipient will hear and make them think. And your opinion of them will change them. The negativity in your words will forever poison their mind. These words will hurt them more than a damn brick to the head. Look at the girl you made struggle. What you said hurt her, so hurting herself is how she copes. She’s numb enough to endure pain like it’s relieving. Your words have eroded her insides, and all that is left is to damage what’s on the outside. Words corrupt humans. Words make people think. Words are persuasive. Words lead to actions. Why use your words to bring people down, when you could build people up? Why make someone hurt so bad that they want to hurt themselves too, when instead you could be helping them. Why cause the worst kind of damage to someone when you could just leave them alone. Sticks and stones do break bones, but words break people.
5-7-17
Flower
Like most things, flowers are more beautiful once they die. You see their entire life, all of their changes at once right before you. As each petal falls you relive its youth, adolescence, and adulthood. Once the last petal falls the shriveled and lifeless flower is vulnerable, it is weak. It’s exactly where it’s destined to be. Because no matter how much it’s bloomed in it’s lifetime, a dead flower puts forward a better story than a live one ever will.
The End
Being alive is contradicting
I want to be alone
But I need people
Yet I want people
But I need to be alone
I want to satisfy myself but satisfying others seems more important
Should I stay
Or shall I leave
Should I leave
Or shall I stay
If I’m weak they win
But if I’m strong they strive to make me weak
If giving up means closure,
Then why haven’t I done it yet
5-8-17
Rumors
My body's a temple and I refuse to let anyone in, no matter what others have said.
6-7-17
Inhale the chemicals
Exhale what’s left of you
Let in the poison
Let out the past
Let your lungs fill with poison
To let out what's left of your cancerous being
Watch the smoke drift across the air
That’s you
Dissolving into nothing
Everything you hoped about for your future
Gone in an instant
Vanished
To nothing
That’s all there is
Nothing
7-11-17
Inside of my body is poison
By breaking the seal of my skin,
I can release these toxins that haunt me
I think being forced to relive the past is the worst kind of torture
7-15-17
Addictions suck
But at the same time
Give me comfort when I need it most
Scars fade
Like memories fade
Like life fades
To nothing
7-29-17
My exterior encases my brittle insides
And sometimes I want them to see the light of day
So I break through the bond
And out pours my red and deceased soul
8-18-17
Control
Fight or flight
I’ve done both
I’ve turned my fright
Into my cloak
I build up anger
And release it all
Like fire, it becomes danger
And it soars through walls
I’ve lost it
I’m out of control
My fire is lit
And I’ve drowned in a lull
Will I ever get better?
Will I ever get help?
I’m stuck on this detour
And I’ll never get up
Life goes on
And it left me behind
Now I am gone
And I can’t press rewind
8-28-17
Accusations hurt
Fuck your lying words
And hypocritical nonsense
You will burn in hell
For the fake facade you put forward
Hope you’re struck sickened
Hope you’re in pain
Hope for the worst of ill mannered ways
Wish for your pain
Wish for you to suffer
Wish I could lower you into the ground on your death date
Would spit on your coffin
Would laugh with joy
Would be free forever if you were gone
If my life was over
What would I leave behind?
8-30-17
Worthless
The word is etched into my skin
Forever
A permanent emotion
I will always feel this pain
That you have caused me
Worthless
I will never stop feeling this
Worthless
Eyes bloodshot
Wide awake
I lay in my hard bed
Mind on your poisonous words
I’ve never felt this unfit,
For existing anymore
Let this pain end
Please
Just let me go
I want to move on from this pain
But the easiest way to move on
Is leaving
Forever
Words
Let me try and at least love myself. I’m envious of those who are comfortable in their own skin and can be happy with themselves. Don’t set me back. I may not deserve happiness, but I sure as hell want it. And no matter how far you drag me, I will escape your grip and I will run back towards my goal. I will achieve this whole happiness thing, no matter how long it takes.
8-31-17
No one understands
How dreadful they make me feel
Words are a stab to the heart
With the knife that pierces my skin
Why is it that I get so upset
To the point where I can’t cry anymore
And I can’t feel a thing
I am just numb
Unable to sense a knife to my flesh
Or the poison I let into my gut
I am completely and utterly
Lifeless
Until death do us part
And all I want to do is leave
So I’ll use the only out
Flesh blood and bones
That's all I am
My life has no value
So throw me away like I'm nothing
Like I'm worthless
A roller coaster of steady rhythms
A contradiction of affirmation
Being the center of attention in an empty room
(Define life)
This life is just a mess of emotions
You don't give a fuck
Do you
You never will
You are the reason I can’t resurface
From the sea of tears I’ve drowned in
(nothing's great so far)
Threats and accidents
Enemies and prayers
I’m just a pacifist
In this world so unclear
Love and pain
Sleep and tolerance
My emotions are feign
And I am closed off hence
Life is a journey,
Remember why you started
You feel yourself change
Like a wave,
You see it coming
It tumbles closer and closer
And suddenly there is an uproar
Emotion latches onto you
And your mind is altered
I get lost in your eyes
And my dark world crumbles,
Into eternal lightness
I am in a place
Of happiness and bliss
My body aches with joy
You make me feel this way
9-3-17
Resurface
Reemerge
Rebirth
Regain
Retain
Renew
Reacknowledge
Become
Do it all again
You hit a low
You’ll hit a high
This roller coaster won’t go on forever
Yes it loops,
But it will stop
It will let you off,
And end this joyride
Lows turn into highs
Overcome these obstacles and become more powerful
And you too,
Will be revived
9-4-17
New beginnings
Without old endings
Change is expected
But it’s hard to let go
Of the past
We’re stuck back in time
Unable to move forward
And we can’t have a future
When we live in the unrevisable
Let go
And move on
The hardest things to do
But it must be done
To blossom
And find joy
Happiness
Is found in change
I still love you
I never stopped caring about you
I still think about you
I never stopped reliving our memories in my mind
I still want you
I never stopped thinking about our future
I dream about you every night
I cry about you all the time
I think of all the ways I would change the past to still have you
I sit and wait for you to come back
But you never will
9-5-17
I get jealous even though you aren’t mine
I play hard to get
And lose whatever chance I might have had
They always find someone better
There will always be someone better
Than me
9-7-17
Silence.
Dead silence
I can hear the flames of my candles
Waving against the wick
I can hear my thoughts
Scattered across my mind
Looking for a place to call home
My heartbeat
Steady and slow,
In pace with my breath
Complete silence
Engulfs me
As I slowly pass away
9-9-17
Sometimes you have to take smaller steps. Because the lesson is in the journey itself, not the destination.
9-11-17
Distance kills
It breaks our little red string
What bonded us together
Has snapped
And our connection has blurred
Love
Is lost and
Passion has faded to nothing
We aren’t anything anymore
And I am numb to your name
What did I ever do wrong
What caused shivers down your spine at the sound of my name
Why do you look the other way when I am near
How could I have possibly wronged you,
So intense that you block out the good we once had
Why did you stop loving me
Why did you let me go
No one understood me like you did
No one wanted me like you did
No one cared about me like you did
No one needed me like you did
Yet you still left me
Left me waiting here for you to return one day
You walked away from me
From us
And left a trail of your footprints
Easily distinguishable
A trail that leads both ways
From you to me
Yet I still wait at the other end for you to turn around
And realize your mistake
Unimaginable torture
Parting with you is
I am hushed with awe
At your decision to leave me
Since you loved me,
Did you let me go?
Or is it that you hated me enough,
To move on
9-14-17
What we had was special
Then you threw it all away
For someone else
9-17-17
Life
Is pain
Fear
And heartache
Struggle
Torture
And loss
9-25-17
Hosipital
As I lay in this cot
My head is empty
Full of absolutely nothing
9-27-17
My life is not yours
My business is not to be shared
My anger has no cure
Because you decided to care
I’m sick of this game
Of going round in circles
I am no longer tame
And am leaving this circuit
Can pain not exist
May joy be a thing
I need love, hell, a kiss
To put out my flame in this cool stream
10-4-17
All I feel is emptiness
And all I want is purpose
Give me something to live for
So I can climb out of this hole
You have me pinned
Trapped, unable to move
I’m choking on the wind
Of your rapture of power and reprove
Unable to escape
I can’t catch my breath
So I’ll let myself go and
Come to an end
This migraine is trapping my thoughts in my head
Suppressing them is all I can do now
Unable to think
And unable to move
I lay in my cold bed with wide eyes
And an empty mind
Distractions
Everything is a distraction
My mind is running
Away from itself
And my thoughts roam in circles
© Copyright 2018 Kyla.Ann. All rights reserved.
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