The Mind of a Mentally Ill Teen

The Mind of a Mentally Ill Teen

Excerpts from my journal of thoughts and poems, my healthy coping skill

Kyla Owens

1-17-16

On My Mind (The poem that started it all)

The cynosure in the room at all times

I always find myself staring your way

Your presence distracts me as the world rimes

My feelings are now constantly astray

Your ebullience is fascinating

I’m in love with your personality

Your stare is completely captivating

You are nothing but banality

Our love was so very ephemeral

You were just a fragment of creation

Your existence would have caused me peril

I assumed you would bring me elation

To me you were just a realistic dream

All in all you lowered my self esteem

2-5-17

I want the people I care about to be happy. Buy it’s hard when what makes them happy, is what makes you sad.

2-6-17

There are two worlds we as people live in:

We have what is on the outside,

What others see

And what is beneath our skin,

What only we can perceive.

Our skin is our barrier,

What protects us from the walking demons

These demons cannot physically break past our barrier

But emotionally,

They can.

When they pass our border and the two worlds collide,

Our systems shut down

Our minds,

They freeze

Our bodies,

They bleed

Emotionally,

We’re drained

These demons get inside our heads,

They tell us what to think

They twist our thoughts,

We think too much

And convince us they speak the truth.

These demons, oh these demons

What a beautiful tragedy you’ve created

This human,

He’s gone

And it’s all your fault

Because you lied and twisted the truth

Maybe one day society will learn

That a demon is just a test

And maybe then,

These humans will be saved

But until then,

This is the end.

2-7-17

I’m empty:

It’s all in my head,

It’s mental

Yet when it reaches my body,

It’s pain

They work hand in hand,

And they make me crave

These opposing forces contradict each other

I want one thing but I need the other

And I’m stuck with these conflicting passions.

3-19-17

You’ve gone insane

And begun this game

Of making me feel so worthless

You twist the facts

And don’t look back

At the stability we all once had

You’ve caught yourself in a downward spiral

And controlling my life has become so vital

That I’m falling down the same broken path as you

And I too have lost control

3-27-17

My heart hurts

It’s heavy

Like a stone falling through my chest

The deeper it goes

The faster it plunges

The pain grows worse

My heart is empty

Yet it’s full of anxiety

And the nerves attached are torn apart

As each one is destroyed

Another piece of me is taken

And I fear it will not return

My heart is breaking

And I am unable to heal the wound that cracks larger and larger each day

My life is an unfinished chapter

To a mystery left to be unsolved

No closure

Just curiosity

And my heart will split completely

4-12-17

A rant

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Probably the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever heard. Words. They hurt you in a different way than anything physical. My body could be broken into a million pieces but the damage done to my soul and being can be 1,000 times more painful. If I break a bone, I am restricted. If i break my heart, I am even more restricted. A broken bone is just an obstacle, I will recover. But my emotions are my entire being and that takes centuries to heal. A broken bone can get in the way of everyday activities. But my thoughts can cause me to not even get out of bed. What you say will affect the way I think, and the damage done to my mindset is far more painful than a slap to the face. Have you ever stopped and thought that maybe, just maybe what you say is hurting someone from the inside out? It all starts with words. One sentence. One string of words spoken, that the recipient will hear and make them think. And your opinion of them will change them. The negativity in your words will forever poison their mind. These words will hurt them more than a damn brick to the head. Look at the girl you made struggle. What you said hurt her, so hurting herself is how she copes. She’s numb enough to endure pain like it’s relieving. Your words have eroded her insides, and all that is left is to damage what’s on the outside. Words corrupt humans. Words make people think. Words are persuasive. Words lead to actions. Why use your words to bring people down, when you could build people up? Why make someone hurt so bad that they want to hurt themselves too, when instead you could be helping them. Why cause the worst kind of damage to someone when you could just leave them alone. Sticks and stones do break bones, but words break people.

5-7-17

Flower

Like most things, flowers are more beautiful once they die. You see their entire life, all of their changes at once right before you. As each petal falls you relive its youth, adolescence, and adulthood. Once the last petal falls the shriveled and lifeless flower is vulnerable, it is weak. It’s exactly where it’s destined to be. Because no matter how much it’s bloomed in it’s lifetime, a dead flower puts forward a better story than a live one ever will.

The End

Being alive is contradicting

I want to be alone

But I need people

Yet I want people

But I need to be alone

I want to satisfy myself but satisfying others seems more important

Should I stay

Or shall I leave

Should I leave

Or shall I stay

If I’m weak they win

But if I’m strong they strive to make me weak

If giving up means closure,

Then why haven’t I done it yet

5-8-17

Rumors

My body's a temple and I refuse to let anyone in, no matter what others have said.

6-7-17

Inhale the chemicals

Exhale what’s left of you

Let in the poison

Let out the past

Let your lungs fill with poison

To let out what's left of your cancerous being

Watch the smoke drift across the air

That’s you

Dissolving into nothing

Everything you hoped about for your future

Gone in an instant

Vanished

To nothing

That’s all there is

Nothing

7-11-17

Inside of my body is poison

By breaking the seal of my skin,

I can release these toxins that haunt me

I think being forced to relive the past is the worst kind of torture

7-15-17

Addictions suck

But at the same time

Give me comfort when I need it most

Scars fade

Like memories fade

Like life fades

To nothing

7-29-17

My exterior encases my brittle insides

And sometimes I want them to see the light of day

So I break through the bond

And out pours my red and deceased soul

8-18-17

Control

Fight or flight

I’ve done both

I’ve turned my fright

Into my cloak

I build up anger

And release it all

Like fire, it becomes danger

And it soars through walls

I’ve lost it

I’m out of control

My fire is lit

And I’ve drowned in a lull

Will I ever get better?

Will I ever get help?

I’m stuck on this detour

And I’ll never get up

Life goes on

And it left me behind

Now I am gone

And I can’t press rewind

8-28-17

Accusations hurt

Fuck your lying words

And hypocritical nonsense

You will burn in hell

For the fake facade you put forward

Hope you’re struck sickened

Hope you’re in pain

Hope for the worst of ill mannered ways

Wish for your pain

Wish for you to suffer

Wish I could lower you into the ground on your death date

Would spit on your coffin

Would laugh with joy

Would be free forever if you were gone

If my life was over

What would I leave behind?

8-30-17

Worthless

The word is etched into my skin

Forever

A permanent emotion

I will always feel this pain

That you have caused me

Worthless

I will never stop feeling this

Worthless

Eyes bloodshot

Wide awake

I lay in my hard bed

Mind on your poisonous words

I’ve never felt this unfit,

For existing anymore

Let this pain end

Please

Just let me go

I want to move on from this pain

But the easiest way to move on

Is leaving

Forever

Words

Let me try and at least love myself. I’m envious of those who are comfortable in their own skin and can be happy with themselves. Don’t set me back. I may not deserve happiness, but I sure as hell want it. And no matter how far you drag me, I will escape your grip and I will run back towards my goal. I will achieve this whole happiness thing, no matter how long it takes.

8-31-17

No one understands

How dreadful they make me feel

Words are a stab to the heart

With the knife that pierces my skin

Why is it that I get so upset

To the point where I can’t cry anymore

And I can’t feel a thing

I am just numb

Unable to sense a knife to my flesh

Or the poison I let into my gut

I am completely and utterly

Lifeless

Until death do us part

And all I want to do is leave

So I’ll use the only out

Flesh blood and bones

That's all I am

My life has no value

So throw me away like I'm nothing

Like I'm worthless

A roller coaster of steady rhythms

A contradiction of affirmation

Being the center of attention in an empty room

(Define life)

This life is just a mess of emotions

You don't give a fuck

Do you

You never will

You are the reason I can’t resurface

From the sea of tears I’ve drowned in

(nothing's great so far)

Threats and accidents

Enemies and prayers

I’m just a pacifist

In this world so unclear

Love and pain

Sleep and tolerance

My emotions are feign

And I am closed off hence

Life is a journey,

Remember why you started

You feel yourself change

Like a wave,

You see it coming

It tumbles closer and closer

And suddenly there is an uproar

Emotion latches onto you

And your mind is altered

I get lost in your eyes

And my dark world crumbles,

Into eternal lightness

I am in a place

Of happiness and bliss

My body aches with joy

You make me feel this way

9-3-17

Resurface

Reemerge

Rebirth

Regain

Retain

Renew

Reacknowledge

Become

Do it all again

You hit a low

You’ll hit a high

This roller coaster won’t go on forever

Yes it loops,

But it will stop

It will let you off,

And end this joyride

Lows turn into highs

Overcome these obstacles and become more powerful

And you too,

Will be revived

9-4-17

New beginnings

Without old endings

Change is expected

But it’s hard to let go

Of the past

We’re stuck back in time

Unable to move forward

And we can’t have a future

When we live in the unrevisable

Let go

And move on

The hardest things to do

But it must be done

To blossom

And find joy

Happiness

Is found in change

I still love you

I never stopped caring about you

I still think about you

I never stopped reliving our memories in my mind

I still want you

I never stopped thinking about our future

I dream about you every night

I  cry about you all the time

I think of all the ways I would change the past to still have you

I sit and wait for you to come back

But you never will

9-5-17

I get jealous even though you aren’t mine

I play hard to get

And lose whatever chance I might have had

They always find someone better

There will always be someone better

Than me

9-7-17

Silence.

Dead silence

I can hear the flames of my candles

Waving against the wick

I can hear my thoughts

Scattered across my mind

Looking for a place to call home

My heartbeat

Steady and slow,

In pace with my breath

Complete silence

Engulfs me

As I slowly pass away

9-9-17

Sometimes you have to take smaller steps. Because the lesson is in the journey itself, not the destination.

9-11-17

Distance kills

It breaks our little red string

What bonded us together

Has snapped

And our connection has blurred

Love

Is lost and

Passion has faded to nothing

We aren’t anything anymore

And I am numb to your name

What did I ever do wrong

What caused shivers down your spine at the sound of my name

Why do you look the other way when I am near

How could I have possibly wronged you,

So intense that you block out the good we once had

Why did you stop loving me

Why did you let me go

No one understood me like you did

No one wanted me like you did

No one cared about me like you did

No one needed me like you did

Yet you still left me

Left me waiting here for you to return one day

You walked away from me

From us

And left a trail of your footprints

Easily distinguishable

A trail that leads both ways

From you to me

Yet I still wait at the other end for you to turn around

And realize your mistake

Unimaginable torture

Parting with you is

I am hushed with awe

At your decision to leave me

Since you loved me,

Did you let me go?

Or is it that you hated me enough,

To move on

9-14-17

What we had was special

Then you threw it all away

For someone else

9-17-17

Life

Is pain

Fear

And heartache

Struggle

Torture

And loss

9-25-17

Hosipital

As I lay in this cot

My head is empty

Full of absolutely nothing

9-27-17

My life is not yours

My business is not to be shared

My anger has no cure

Because you decided to care

I’m sick of this game

Of going round in circles

I am no longer tame

And am leaving this circuit

Can pain not exist

May joy be a thing

I need love, hell, a kiss

To put out my flame in this cool stream

10-4-17

All I feel is emptiness

And all I want is purpose

Give me something to live for

So I can climb out of this hole

You have me pinned

Trapped, unable to move

I’m choking on the wind

Of your rapture of power and reprove

Unable to escape

I can’t catch my breath

So I’ll let myself go and

Come to an end

This migraine is trapping my thoughts in my head

Suppressing them is all I can do now

Unable to think

And unable to move

I lay in my cold bed with wide eyes

And an empty mind

Distractions

Everything is a distraction

My mind is running

Away from itself

And my thoughts roam in circles