who am I?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

who are you? Who am I? Do we change for someone we care for? Do they change for us? Or do we just pretend and lose ourselves in it?

Submitted: October 10, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 10, 2017



 Who am I? I used to know that, have an answer for it. Now? I don't have a clue who I've become. I am a face everyone knows, a name they all whisper, but I am not me.

I am Jonah's girlfriend.  We love each other. We laugh together. We are always being called the cutest couple, the happiest couple. We go on dates, we hang with his friends....I mean our friends.

My name, is Dana and I used to be the girl with that red hair and too many freckles. The girl who played basketball, soccer, and volleyball. Who's eyes are too big for her face, who has only size B boobs, and who was independent. Who knew who she wanted to be, proud of who I already was, and then I met Jonah.

We were at school and I accidentally ran into him, making him hit his head on the door frame. I heard him say, " Please watch where you're going Kloo." I mainly looked because, he knew my name or my last name at least. He gave me an annoyed looked and so I apologized and looked at the floor. I didn't care he knew my name. I didn't want to know his. I just wanted to walk away, nobody ever complains when you run into them like that, so why would he pick on me.

I didn't get very far before he grabbed my shoulder. He was apologizing for being rude, but I didn't want him to see me right then. I didn't want him to know how such a simple reprobation, could upset me. I don't know why it did, I could easily ignore everyone else's picking on me, it wasn't an uncommon occurrence for me to be the butt of some joke.

I walked away, didn't even go to class, I ran home and found the key in the cactus pot on our porch. I walked in and let the tears fall, what was wrong with me. That night before my parents came home Jonah showed up at my house and asked if I was okay and finally told me his name. One thing led to another and we started dating.

People's notice of me changed then. They saw that Jonah liked me, and so everyone liked me. I was popular, and I was happy. Jonah came to all my games, and we would hang out after. A year passed, and Jonah changed. He had actually, even before the change, been putting me down here and there for things I'd beaten myself up for since I hit puberty. He would comment that I shouldn't snack on something or eat lunch, point out how my boobs were barely visible in my shirt, and how when I laughed it made my butt jiggle in an embarrassing way. He would mention how my thighs had a thickness to them, that made them jiggle only a little bit.

He told me when school started back I spent too much time with sports and had to quit them. He looked through my messages on my phone. Made me drop my friends. If I ever disappointed him he made sure I knew. I was happy, I was in love, they're the same thing right?

If I talked to people he didn't like I would be punished. If I didn't want to go somewhere with him I was punished. If he was mad, for any reason, whether it made sense or even related to me I was punished. He would apologize, buy me gifts, and he loved me. I loved him.

He and I had not made love yet, I was a virgin and didn't want to lose it until marriage or at least I was older. He was constantly pissed I didn't want to lose it.

One night we were at a party, he was drinking and getting high. He drove me to his house,  his parents were gone, and once we were inside the foyer  he tried to get me to sleep with him. I refused. He was drunk and I wasn't ready. He hit me hard for this and I landed painfully on the linoleum floor, still in my coat and heels, and I felt him land on me. I felt the weight of his body on me and felt him kissing my neck saying, " I love you" over and over his excuse was always, "I love you".  I fought and screamed, but he got what he wanted in the end, I was drunk and my world was blurred, my actions slow. I told him once he was done that he didn't love me and I would turn him in for rape. He was mad at me for saying this and hit my head multiple times on the floor, I don't know how many.

Who am I? I'm the girl who had been happy and independent.  I'm the girl who fell for the wrong guy. I'm the girl who didn't leave. I'm the girl  who didn't survive past sixteen. I have no happiness anymore, I have no place, and I never knew what true love was. You could be me, don't let it happen to you. Whether you're being abused by your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, sibling, parent, guardian, or whoever. Don't waste your life and let them win. Even though he had been drunk and high when it happened sooner or later it would have led to this conclusion. He was only thinking of getting complete control of me. He won, but in a lot of ways I let him. People whisper my name in fear now, they all know me, and they all wish they had been able to help me. They all wonder why it had happened, how they hadn't known, my parents had to know they hadn't been able to see what was going on with me, and my old friends had to accept that their hate of me had been misplaced. Everyone had to face that this tragedy happened and they missed all the signs and just let me die.


© Copyright 2018 Saphira. All rights reserved.

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