i thought i deserved all the pain i could feel

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic


this is a poem i wrote based on my thought process with a difficult mistake/decision i made.

Submitted: October 11, 2017

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Submitted: October 11, 2017

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“I thought I deserved all the pain I could feel”  By Jodee Lee
 

I wish I could give you a moment of my pain.

No need to fear, my intentions are pure.

The purpose being to expose my inner self.

To share an understanding of how badly I feel.

How badly I felt.

 

The guilt, the rage, the bitter, overpowering taste of hopelessness.

The thoughts of an adolescent, but looks of maturity.

Failing to understand why I could be so eyeless to the reality behind my actions.

Thinking and dwelling on my mistakes as I’m reminded of so many others.

Loathing my life.

 

Why do I feel so shitty?

I can’t stop thinking these terrible thoughts.

I don’t want to think.

I don’t want to feel.

I want to get high.

How else do I deal with my feelings?

How do normal people do it?

I’m not normal..

 

Why isn’t this helping?

I’m supposed to feel better,

But I manage to feel worse.

Why do I feel so hurt?

I hate my life.

Why couldn’t I be born perfect?

I’m so stupid..

I’ll always be a screw up..

I will never get better..

There’s nothing here for me..

I don’t want to live..

No one will miss me anyways..

I can’t take this pain any longer..

 

At this point I’ve cried so hard that my eyes feel heavy

As if I cried all the salty tears in my body.

And I pause.

I force myself to stop.

If not now, when?

How am I ever going to get better?

Am I just going to continue to break myself down until I finally think my last thought?

Till I make my last move?

Till I take my last breath?

No.

 

Because I’m learning acceptance.

Accepting mistakes of any size.

I’m learning that mistakes are forgivable.

I am not the only one.

There are others.

This is not a perfect world.

There is no such thing as perfect people or a perfect person.

Although I compare myself to perfection on a daily basis.

Always have.

 

Is that why it’s so hard for me to forgive myself?

Is that why I can’t tell myself I’m beautiful, like I tell to others?

Is that why I feel so shitty?

Because I simply won’t allow myself to be myself?

 

I’m learning about forgiveness.

That forgiveness is key to freedom from one’s guilt.

Because in this life of mine,

Time travel is nonexistent.

There is no correcting wrongs already made.

All that’s left to do is admit.

Learn.

Because if you don’t learn from your mistakes,

You’re bound to repeat them.

Mistakes have that power to turn you into something better than you were before.

 

It’s taken me sixteen years to realize this wisdom.

And all that’s left for me to do is remind myself.

I am strong.

I am beautiful.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Because I want to.

 


© Copyright 2019 jodee.a.lee. All rights reserved.

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